Archive for February 8, 2008

No Epitaph for Me, just the sea

it's alright
that woman by Loraine Ritchey –contact info thatwb@yahoo.com

Depressing isn’t it , you get to a certain age and the reality is – there more behind you than in front, and that can also be said of “life”.

I will admit to certain fears :

One– dying in the middle of the night, whilst experiencing yet another HOT FLASH, whew it's hot hot  hot image source
and having the paramedics or whomever is called -thinking that the bedclothes and pajamas that are inevitably thrown around the room had to do with hot and steamy romance and not the more mundane hot and steamy hormones gone awry.

I can hear them now as they lump my carcass down the narrow staircase:

bit old for that sort of thing wasn’t she?

Then again maybe not – they just might be cursing the staircases of the older homes. I wonder if it will be easier to hoist me over the balcony ? need another crane?

Two -that if I am to be autopsied, the coroner as he slices open my chest ( making the boobs end up even further under your arm pits than ever ) he/she will speak as my last critic -for all the world to know – into his little tape recorder:

overweight female, no distinguishing marks , flaccid stomach and brain deterioration, cause of death- BACON!”

on the wings of a ....

Then of course comes the tombstone or headstone -what to say, it is my last gasp as a writer .Oh dear! all the good ones seem to be taken. I rather liked Winston Churchill’s

I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill (1874-1965) R.I.P

and then of course the immortal words of the Bard– himself

GOOD FREND FOR JESUS SAKE FORBEARE TO DIGG THE DUST ENCLOASED HEARE.
BLEST BE YE MAN YT SPARES THES STONES AND
CURST BE HE YT MOVES MY BONES
William Shakespeare

I decided I can’t compete but “you” can try your hand at writing your own here

Better yet -I have decided no tombstones, no obits- in fact I want to be dead for at least 6 months without anyone knowing; then all those people who say nasty things about me will feel badly that they have been speaking ill of the dead.
So what to do?
The White Cliffs of Dover is in my plan
watch  the wind direction

So, with that in mind, my last trip to England had me dragging my mother up and down the Dover Coastline to find an appropriate spot to chuck me over (well my ashes that is) .

We ended up driving down a tunnel at the top of the cliffs( a bit Robert Lois Stevenson in ambiance) , all very romantic , and adventurous as we drove through the tunnel hewn from the living chalk I thought – until – at the end of the tunnel we hit a car park and a tea shanty ,

Oh dear! throw me off here and I would end up in the asphalt, and swept- not out to sea but- swept up with the rest of the litter for the rubbish by the car park attendant

and away  she goes

Since it was a weekday in November there was only one other car in the parking lot and naturally ( me being me) I got to talking with the occupants.

The husband, I think, a little shocked at my reason for “scouting out the place” suggested I might want to rethink my plan.

EEEE!!! Lass -the breeze might cause some concern to your mourners!!!

It seems that the off shore winds blow back against the land, so my solemn family standing on the cliff top saying their final goodbye just might end up getting me back and have more than tears in their eyes.

So I have to have a rethink as to just how they are going to stand at the edge of the cliffs and get me out to sea, you aren’t allowed to litter, so staying in an “urn” may not be an option. Then, I will have to find out who has the better throwing arm my son or son-in-law ….have to work that out……maybe a football as a container , no need to worry about permits hmmmmmmmm

“we were just tossing the ball officer” come along quietly  lads

But just remember -after I am dead -and you make that trip to the White Cliffs of Dover that little annoying speck irritating your eye on a windy day – just might be me!

February 8, 2008 at 12:00 am 20 comments


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