Archive for January 3, 2010

In search of my son and in search of me

It is a month today by the calendar that I lost Chris to this life, but in my parallel world it was minutes ago. You see it can’t be a month because the pain is as intense as it was on that December day.

Mainly due to the events that came into play after his death , I found myself, along with other members of his family, 2nd guessing.

We had been doing that a lot since his illness first announced its insidious presence in our lives. 2nd guessing symptoms, treatments, Dr.’s , situations – you name it we 2nd guessed. But I never thought I would be 2nd guessing my relationship with my son and who he really was!

That was doubt visited upon us by ” The committee of 19″ and his bride. They seem so sure of their righteousness, their beliefs , their ways and what my son would want. I believed they were decent people and that he was loved by his bride and I know he loved her so I was left with doubt and 2nd guessing once again. Could I be so wrong????

You start wondering when things like this happen, when you are overpowered by “might makes right” .

“Did I really know my child?

Did he and his sister really have such a close relationship?

Nikki and Chris at the rehersal dinner

Was there some hidden depth or desire for their religious beliefs (Roman Catholic) of which we were unaware?

Was I wrong to think he wouldn’t want what has happened to his family in their grief?

“What I do know beyond all doubt that my son, my flesh and blood , the child I bore, the boy I raised to manhood would never have sanctioned or agreed with the causing any one of us such great pain and sorrow, a dividing of those he loved. No ! That was not the way of my son .”

That his wish was that his mortal remains should to “interred” locked in a papish grave, held by the cold soil ?

My son, who was always quick to express his view no matter how delicate the subject, who never hesitated to make his views known – ( like them or not) had that changed ?

Would he be Ok with having that cold earth that entraps him decorated with balloons like some party game
” pin the balloons on the cremains” .

I am luckier than most, when others start 2nd guessing they have very little to help in finding answers.

We, however had a son, brother , grandson and nephew who was an artist. He spoke volumes with his work and I have all of it , to the very last things he did . It will be through his work that I will find my son and stop 2nd guessing . I will give back his voice stilled by tubes, death and those that supposedly loved and “knew him”

Photo of self – Christopher D. RITCHEY

The journey to find my son and with him myself begins…………..

January 3, 2010 at 12:04 am 13 comments



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January 2010