In search of my son and in search of me

January 3, 2010 at 12:04 am 13 comments

It is a month today by the calendar that I lost Chris to this life, but in my parallel world it was minutes ago. You see it can’t be a month because the pain is as intense as it was on that December day.

Mainly due to the events that came into play after his death , I found myself, along with other members of his family, 2nd guessing.

We had been doing that a lot since his illness first announced its insidious presence in our lives. 2nd guessing symptoms, treatments, Dr.’s , situations – you name it we 2nd guessed. But I never thought I would be 2nd guessing my relationship with my son and who he really was!

That was doubt visited upon us by ” The committee of 19″ and his bride. They seem so sure of their righteousness, their beliefs , their ways and what my son would want. I believed they were decent people and that he was loved by his bride and I know he loved her so I was left with doubt and 2nd guessing once again. Could I be so wrong????

You start wondering when things like this happen, when you are overpowered by “might makes right” .

“Did I really know my child?

Did he and his sister really have such a close relationship?

Nikki and Chris at the rehersal dinner

Was there some hidden depth or desire for their religious beliefs (Roman Catholic) of which we were unaware?

Was I wrong to think he wouldn’t want what has happened to his family in their grief?

“What I do know beyond all doubt that my son, my flesh and blood , the child I bore, the boy I raised to manhood would never have sanctioned or agreed with the causing any one of us such great pain and sorrow, a dividing of those he loved. No ! That was not the way of my son .”

That his wish was that his mortal remains should to “interred” locked in a papish grave, held by the cold soil ?

My son, who was always quick to express his view no matter how delicate the subject, who never hesitated to make his views known – ( like them or not) had that changed ?

Would he be Ok with having that cold earth that entraps him decorated with balloons like some party game
” pin the balloons on the cremains” .

I am luckier than most, when others start 2nd guessing they have very little to help in finding answers.

We, however had a son, brother , grandson and nephew who was an artist. He spoke volumes with his work and I have all of it , to the very last things he did . It will be through his work that I will find my son and stop 2nd guessing . I will give back his voice stilled by tubes, death and those that supposedly loved and “knew him”

Photo of self – Christopher D. RITCHEY

The journey to find my son and with him myself begins…………..

Entry filed under: Arts, Brit take, Chris Ritchey, death, journey, men of substance, personal opinion, weddings and funerals, writers and writing. Tags: , .

Journeys and thoughts for all the world to see! Toujours Moi – Always Me

13 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mark  |  January 3, 2010 at 12:27 am

    “Playing” ‘What if…’ hurts. It usually gives birth to even more questions, and an incredible amount of pain. I hope that the story of this journey brings you some amount of peace, Loraine. You and yours definitely deserve some.

    That last photo of Chris is awesome.

  • 2. Kelly Boyer Sagert  |  January 3, 2010 at 12:34 am

    Outstanding photo . . .

  • 3. Loraine Ritchey  |  January 3, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Mark that is why I have decided to stop playing “If” and the 2nd guessing game. I am doing a series of writings adressing the questions by having Chris work do the answering. You see his work was Chris, it was who he was.. it was his truth …..

    If you look closely at the the photo at his feet is his camera case and in front of him his tripod in that mist…….. I have to admit when that photo which I had never seen before literally fell at my feet I got shivery ……

  • 4. Loraine Ritchey  |  January 3, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Oh and Mark looking at the project Chris was doing at the time the “brief was” to put “you the photographer” in the composition he did a couple of really interesting takes on that “brief”

  • 5. Dave C  |  January 3, 2010 at 3:19 am

    Love the photo – It is like he is inviting us on this journey…

  • 6. Toujours Moi – Always Me « That Woman’s Weblog  |  January 5, 2010 at 12:03 am

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January 2010

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