When Premonition Becomes Hindsight – Part Two

March 17, 2010 at 11:47 am 11 comments

“In search of my son- in search of me.”
Part One In search of my son- In search of me
Part TwoTourjours Moi-Always Me
Part Three Always Me – Always Chris
Part Four In search of My Son-
Chris Ritchey – Thanks

Part Five Dark Humour- Shedding a Light
Part Six – The Unfinished Portrait

Part Seven– The Unfinished Portrait- The Artists
Part Eight– When Premonition Becomes Hindsight

Is premonition that little voice in your head, the half remembered dreams, pieces parts of which seemingly come to fruition years down the road?

Or how about that gut feeling you have an instant dislike to someone you meet for the first time- a complete stranger no baggage that comes with them except maybe in the future.

Why was a joyous time such as a wedding feared with such dread?

Was the box for envelopes just a “poor decorating” choice by the committee of 19 ( seeing as my son was battling Cancer) or an omen- all I know is it took everything I had to stop from throwing it in the trash.

Why do vivid pictures pop into our mind at such a time of celebration of things not wanted but that have come true?

How did I know my daughter was pregnant weeks before she knew herself? – I told my mother and Chris who both chastised me because two months before the “specialists” had told her she would never have children. Chris was furious with me :

“Mum don’t you dare say anything to Nikki you know how rotten she feels about not being able to have kids”

Why do we have de ja vu ?( most of us have had that feeling)

I have had these things happening to me all my life – but they never come when I “need them to come”. It doesn’t happen to everyone of my kith or kin –

Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking

” he has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”

and then dismiss it with
“why ever did I say that”

as post baby hormonal flare ups?

Is that why I spoiled him rotten- gave him everything he wanted – forgave him everything?

And since he was the only other one kith or kin that had “dreams” ( even as a toddler

“mummy that happened before – I dreamt it

– did he know that his life would be cut short somehow?

Did this artwork done by a young student reflect more than an assignment

Was that why he was a bit of a “hypochondriac” every little ache and pain having to be explained until Hodgkin’s Lymphoma finally reared its obscenity into his young life?

Was it my dread of “Cancer” that didn’t want the diagnosis of the “curable cancer” that made me look away from the symptoms – not wanting to take that first step on a journey whose ending would cause such unbearable pain. Like the orstrich and the sand did I not want to face what I knew was coming at us sending us into a bottomless well of emotional agony .

Was it already knowing the script when the Dr.s kept saying

” test show you are cancer free “

that I wanted to scream at them and his wife :

No he isn’t there is something wrong

( three times that happened) and each time the diagnosis eventually came back NOT cancer free at all.

And why do we have these premonitions if we can’t change the outcome? Are they just another instinct we can’t fully utilize – are we given the script before we arrive on the planet and are “remembering lines from the play”-

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances….

William Shakespeare

and no choices?????

Chris’ face book page id.

Entry filed under: Brit take, Chris Ritchey, death, personal opinion, writers and writing. Tags: , , .

When Premonition Becomes Hindsight Across the Pond- Disgraceful thinking

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ben  |  March 17, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Forgive me. I can not imagine your pain. It makes me sick to my stomach to allow your situation to even creep into my mind. I have prayed for you, that you may find peace. And for myself, that I may never know such pain. I have read your blog with a mixture of great saddness and confusion. Untill today. Today’s blog opened my eyes. I never could understand the daughter in law angle.

    Although roughly the same age, your son’s marriage and that of my own is slightly different. I will never forget my
    MOM saying she didn’t view my impending marriage at the tender age of 19, as losing a son, but as gaining a daughter. My mom raised me to be prepared to be the best father and husband I could be. She did a fine job. I am deeply thankfull for her support.

    I don’t really read the Bible , but my marriage ceremony is extremely important to me. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'” You did your job in preparing your son for his life as a husband. After his marriage, he was no longer your son but his wife’s husband. No matter how unworthy of your son’s hand she may have seemed.

    I remember thinking I would be furious if my MOM ever refered to my wife as “the name we do not speak”. That is my WIFE! even in death. I am very proud to my wife’s husband, and expect my MOM to respect her wishes not matter how they differ from hers( or mine for that matter) .Today I realized that perhaps you thought she was taking your son instead of you gainging a daughter. It’s hard to see your babies grow, Particularly when you realize that they no longer rely on us as they once did. This simply means you did your job as a parent. It’s tough to see them make decisions that we may not agree with. But then we must support them and hope and pray things work out for the best

    I am thankfull for your blog. I am very greatfull that you have demonstrated the importance of making your wishes known! I figure that since you’re being so public with your grief that you’d welcome feed back, even if it didn’t agree with you. I have refrained from commenting because I didn’t understand. I still am limited to only knowiing what you have shared with your readers. Please take this at face value. I am just a young man trying to raise my children to be responsible,productive, happy adults, just as you have done. Sometimes a fresh perspective from another angle helps. As know, I am no writer, there is a reason I do what I do for a living. Know that I mean no offense, and as hard as I tried I could not write the words as eloquently as I though then in my head, they still seem to come off as crass. For that I am deeply sorry.
    May you find peace in your life and forgivness in your heart.-Ben

  • 2. Loraine Ritchey  |  March 17, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Ben I agree with you I have been confusing…..mainly out of respect for my son….I haven’t mentioned her name and have taken her name out of comments. Which is why the ” she who will remain nameless ‘ which is a little different than ” the name we do not speak”

    I would like to hear your mom’s take on
    “After his marriage, he was no longer your son but his wife’s husband. ”

    Sorry darlin that will never be the case ASK your mum.. your life and decision making may not include your mum anymore BUT the words til death us do part ( or even marriage) don’t apply to a mother….

    I was there when my sons heart first started beating and when it stopped….

    I think you may have the wrong idea…..

    I was plased to have Chris choice of a wife..my husband and I did everything we could to make life easier for them. He was diagnosed with Cancer the day he went to choose the wedding invitations.I was proud of ANGELA and admired her for continuing with the wedding under such circumstances ….. I thought we had a good and working relationship…. apparently I was wrong

    I know my son loved her BUT if you have read EVERYTHING that I have written you can surely understand that her decision of NOT TELLING HIS FAMILY THAT HE WAS ESSENTIALLY DYING THAT LAST NIGHT, AND THEN AFTER AGREEING TO A DIVISON OF HIS ASHES SO THAT WE COULD HAVE CLOSURE AND BEING THANKED AND HELD IN GRATITUDE BY HIS GRANDMOTHER AND SISTER AND MYSELF” to eight days after the fact change her mind and NOT EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL US IN PERSON OR THROUGH A PRIEST OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER THAT THIS WAS SO because “HE WASN’T AN ORGAN DONOR’ something that is untrue as I will prove later … AND YOU TELL ME HOW WOULD YOU FEEL NOT BEING TOLD WHEN YOUR CHILD WAS INTERRED not by anyone ……it has destroyed this family the cruelty from an unexpected soure.


  • 3. Loraine Ritchey  |  March 17, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Just a note :
    I am not being dramatic when I say my husband is dying by inches……… it is the truth .I am very worried……he has no closure and cannot believe how the “extended family ” could give more pain on top of the agony we have been feeling. He doesn’t understand what he did not only to lose his son but why more cruelty was visited upon him….

    I can’t make it right .it is out of my hands..I can’t help my daughter with her pain and I can’t stop the anguish that is my own mothers anymore than I can stiop the ache that is part of me every waking moment ……..There is a terrible blame that I believe is coming to that extended family and it will be laid at their door…….they sicken me in their holier than thou and selfishness of thinking and I am reminded of their cruelty every time I look at my husbands face …..he is the nicest guy in the world…….and I can’t fix it so he can at least grieve for his son in peace….but I can an will hold those responsible “accountable” …. Loraine

  • 4. Ben  |  March 17, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Like I said, I am no writer. And different perspectives don’t always help. Sorry about the mix up on words, as an outsider, they sound remarkably alike. I have spoken to my MOM, several times concerning your situation. I am corrected, you are right. I didn’t stop being my MOM’s son, just that now I belong to my Wife, both in the eyes of the law and GOD. I am no longer identified as Leslie’s son, but as Holli’s husband. My parents take the words I spoke on the alter with the same respect that I do. They apply to all involved. Regarding this I am VERY proud.

    I am very sorry for your loss. Please do not post this exchange on your blog. In retrospect, it truely was none of my business and I had NO right to question your thoughts and feelings as you grieve the loss of your son. I have NO idea the magnitude of your pain. I have no right to second guess how you are handling a situation that is obviously very difficult for all involved. I sincerly apologize for speaking out of line.
    I pray that you May find both peace and forgivness in your life. Thank you once again for sharing with your readers.

  • 5. thatwoman  |  March 17, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Sorry Ben it automatically got posted do you want me to take it off? You have every right to your perspective and I appreciated the thoughts I truly do …….. I am not upset by them you are only commenting on a situation that is confusing ( even to me) πŸ™‚ and it gave me an opportunity for clarification

    …. God hmmm well I shall be discussing God too in my journey as I search for who was Chris and if we were wrong about his make-up did he change in those months of marriage and cancer..

    and I hope you will cmment then too from another perspective I know there was not annimosity directed at me or my family or “mother’s” πŸ™‚

    .I am at the last part of my life and maybe Churchill’s headstone is another premonition for me πŸ™‚
    Winston Churchill (1874-1965) . . who declares in his epithet:

    I am ready to meet my Maker,
    Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter!

  • 6. dave c  |  March 18, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    I have had premonitions all my life and struggled, as you are, with them. “What good are they if I can’t sort them out in time to change things?” It is almost a bit of a curse! I have no answers. All I can say is that on this issue of premonitions – I understand completely.
    Hang in there!!!

  • 7. Loraine Ritchey  |  March 18, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    I know Dave it is soooooooooo damned frustrating …….actually a couple of weeks ago I had the de ja vu thing happen at Nikkis I knew I had “dreamed it before ” what the conversation was, where I was the who was there the whole business…. only this time instead of just saying “this has happened before” I remembered a detail that came from that “dream????? and for once I spoke out loud and said “this is going to happen ……( private sorry) and it did the next day …..

    I can usually tell when I am dreaming just a dream and the mind trying to make sense out of happenings to file it away because when I am just dreaming I am always younger and a lot thinner πŸ™‚

    When it is something else well I am not thin πŸ™‚ and it is reality based sigh……. but I don’t know it is almost like a curse because YOU know you are being warned about something but you don’t know what excatly and even when if you can figure it out ….you or at least I can’t change the direction or the warning…….Not making much sense so I will leave it ..for now….

  • […] be continued …. Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)When Premonition Becomes Hindsight – Part TwoThe Unfinished Portrait- In search of Chris (RITCHEY)Go ogleVideo: Tonight’s Beck – Closing […]

  • […] “In search of my son- in search of me.” Part One – In search of my son- In search of me Part Two – Tourjours Moi-Always Me Part Three – Always Me – Always Chris Part Four – In search of My Son- Chris Ritchey – Thanks Part Five – Dark Humour- Shedding a Light Part Six – The Unfinished Portrait Part Seven- The Unfinished Portrait- The Artists (2) Part Two – Who Are We Really? Part Eight- When Premonition Becomes Hindsight Part Nine- When Premonition Becomes Hindsight – Part Two Part Ten (a) – There is an “I” in Death Part Ten (b)- I didn’t know my son- Chris Ritchey Part Eleven- Unfinished Portrait the Artistic Gene Part Twelve- Unfinished Portrait- the Artistic Gene- Part Two Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)The Unfinished Portrait- In search of Chris (RITCHEY)Unfinished Portrait – The Artistic Gene ? Part TwoWhen Premonition Becomes Hindsight – Part Two […]

  • 10. What Day Would You Choose ? « That Woman’s Weblog  |  June 7, 2011 at 12:04 am

    […] not happened and pestilence of diseased and selfish cruelty brought home to this family because the fateful wedding of that June 7th Angela (Lombardi) became Angela ritchey D O and with that union enabled her to inflict such pain to […]

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