When Premonition Becomes Hindsight – Part Two
“In search of my son- in search of me.”
Part One – In search of my son- In search of me
Part Two – Tourjours Moi-Always Me
Part Three – Always Me – Always Chris
Part Four – In search of My Son-
Chris Ritchey – Thanks
Part Five – Dark Humour- Shedding a Light
Part Six – The Unfinished Portrait
Part Seven– The Unfinished Portrait- The Artists
Part Eight– When Premonition Becomes Hindsight
Is premonition that little voice in your head, the half remembered dreams, pieces parts of which seemingly come to fruition years down the road?
Or how about that gut feeling you have an instant dislike to someone you meet for the first time- a complete stranger no baggage that comes with them except maybe in the future.
Why was a joyous time such as a wedding feared with such dread?
Was the box for envelopes just a “poor decorating” choice by the committee of 19 ( seeing as my son was battling Cancer) or an omen- all I know is it took everything I had to stop from throwing it in the trash.
Why do vivid pictures pop into our mind at such a time of celebration of things not wanted but that have come true?
How did I know my daughter was pregnant weeks before she knew herself? – I told my mother and Chris who both chastised me because two months before the “specialists” had told her she would never have children. Chris was furious with me :
“Mum don’t you dare say anything to Nikki you know how rotten she feels about not being able to have kids”
Why do we have de ja vu ?( most of us have had that feeling)
I have had these things happening to me all my life – but they never come when I “need them to come”. It doesn’t happen to everyone of my kith or kin –
Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking
” he has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”
and then dismiss it with
“why ever did I say that”
as post baby hormonal flare ups?
Is that why I spoiled him rotten- gave him everything he wanted – forgave him everything?
And since he was the only other one kith or kin that had “dreams” ( even as a toddler
“mummy that happened before – I dreamt it
– did he know that his life would be cut short somehow?
Did this artwork done by a young student reflect more than an assignment
Was that why he was a bit of a “hypochondriac” every little ache and pain having to be explained until Hodgkin’s Lymphoma finally reared its obscenity into his young life?
Was it my dread of “Cancer” that didn’t want the diagnosis of the “curable cancer” that made me look away from the symptoms – not wanting to take that first step on a journey whose ending would cause such unbearable pain. Like the orstrich and the sand did I not want to face what I knew was coming at us sending us into a bottomless well of emotional agony .
Was it already knowing the script when the Dr.s kept saying
” test show you are cancer free “
that I wanted to scream at them and his wife :
No he isn’t there is something wrong
( three times that happened) and each time the diagnosis eventually came back NOT cancer free at all.
And why do we have these premonitions if we can’t change the outcome? Are they just another instinct we can’t fully utilize – are we given the script before we arrive on the planet and are “remembering lines from the play”-
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances….
and no choices?????