There is an “I” in Death

March 25, 2010 at 10:39 am 11 comments

“In search of my son- in search of me.”
Part One In search of my son- In search of me
Part TwoTourjours Moi-Always Me
Part Three Always Me – Always Chris
Part Four In search of My Son-
Chris Ritchey – Thanks

Part Five Dark Humour- Shedding a Light
Part Six – The Unfinished Portrait

Part Seven– The Unfinished Portrait- The Artists
(2) Part Two – Who Are We Really?
Part Eight– When Premonition Becomes Hindsight

Part Nine– When Premonition Becomes Hindsight – Part Two


AND there is an “I” in death of a loved one; it is silent and unseen but it is there just the same .

As the death of my son reached out and encircled and smothered with grief those that loved him we all experienced the “I” .

“I” denotes self and with it “self”ish. We are selfish in our grief (Selfish denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self-interest or self concern)

Yes! the I is definitely there – “I” who would fight without fear and never cry – “I” am awash with tears never before cried – “I” who have to talk through attorneys as no longer can “I” trust those that hold positions of trust in their profession no longer hold my trust. ( ironic????)

“I” have learned so much about the selfishness that surrounds a death. You would think after three and a half months I would not be discovering more damnably selfish and surprising behaviours but I have.
They come to me from the most unexpected of places and people.

Wounds that are raw and bleeding once again torn open by selfishness and a loss of trust .

Lord Byron once said
We are all selfish and I no more trust myself than others with a GOOD MOTIVE.

At least two people, in whom I had a great deal of trust, have caused unprecedented sorrow since they have made the “I” in death no longer silent I find myself “abandoned by trust “.

Angela Lombardi (ritchey) sketch by Chris RITCHEY

One – I had a premonition about, the other has blind-sided me , but both I now think about with total abhorrence and a gut wrenching sickness in my being at the mere mention of their name. And “I” am changed – not for the better” because of the “I” inflicted upon me.

I have always been a cynic and have said “I trust no one ” but I let my guard down during the worst time that can be visited upon a mother and for that I have paid a terrible price. The toll on my heart continues whilst those that have put the I in death carry on, pontificating, posturing and patting themselves on the back, whilst I share my tears with the night .

I will walk the path as laid out for me – I have learned that Jean Paul Sartre was right Hell is other people and this planet can be hell and even hell has its layers .

If this punishment by “whom ever” is writing the play and casting the villains of the piece is MY Karma then all I can say I must have done something vile because otherwise there is an injustice in this Karmic Justice.
I wish for the play to close and to make my exit quietly. I can only hope the villains of my piece end up in a worst place than I am at the moment.

I am no longer a forgiving and understanding person- ( I tried to be – but in recent years I have discovered forgiveness is overrated it just opens you up and exposes the underbelly to those who would take advantage.

I have learned that to truly forgive you have to understand the reasoning for cruelty and of the act perpetrated, without understanding there can be no forgiveness ….

Recent events since Thanksgiving Day 2009 have only proven to me I am not far wrong. There are those who hide behind a mask of sincerity hiding the Basilisk that is their being,leaving a trail of venemous treachery in their wake as they slither through life with their true natures kept from all but the few.

Beware the Basilisk it maybe one you least expect.

Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, notorious opponents of exactitude, personal opinion. Tags: , , , .

American Amnesia ? It is all in a “name”- comment or commodity ?

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lisa  |  March 26, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Well said.
    Sending you peace and a BIGHUG.

  • 2. thatwoman  |  March 26, 2010 at 11:37 am

    It is so hard because in the normal course of events I / we would be trying to deal with the death of Chris and that is such an extraordinary pain in and of itself…..but the things that happened just before his death and AFTER have …. well all I can liken it to being pressed to death….

    to be laying exposed and naked in your pain the boulders placed upon your heart … the loss of your son, the grieving of your family and then having those in the “community of family” adding more and more weight with boulders that come from their selfishness and thoughtlessnes until you think you can bear no more……..

  • 3. dave c  |  March 26, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    yeah… that karma business…
    It is a lot easier to atone for something when you know what it is you have done… I must have been pretty wicked also…

    thinking of you!!

  • 4. Lisa  |  March 27, 2010 at 1:52 am

    Loraine, I don’t know where you find this stuff [the link in your comment above], but what an accurate description of how it feels to bear this grief and all the unnecessary BS that has gone along with it.

  • 5. thatwoman  |  March 27, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Lisa well maybe I know where to look as I a may have been one of the ones putting on the boulders in a past life…. that would maybe explain the punishment fitting the crime …..but what the hell did must my husband or Nikki ar my mother ever do and for that matter Chris …. I just have pain and questions…Loraine

  • 6. Lisa  |  March 27, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    “I just have pain and questions…”
    I am right there with you, my friend.

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March 2010

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