Archive for April 24, 2010

Unreal reality- the sorrow that chokes

I have learned a great deal , more than I ever wanted to know, in the past few months. I am incredibly tired and spent by the “education”.

In the Jean Paul Sartre play “No Exit” the line delivered ” Hell is other people” has come to my waking nightmare that my life has become.

I am in pieces , fragmented , flotsam in a sea of grief, my direction dependent upon the current of others.

Part of me is dying, part of me is fighting, loving , nurturing . protecting , grieving. I am a confusion of thoughts and emotions. I am no longer me-

Some mornings, as I wake to a sky still dark, I am unsure of what is real and what is a nightmare. My nightmare of reality soon becomes clear and then there are those waking moments where the confusion as to what is my reality bides a while longer.


Is my body ( brain) in order to protect the other parts of “self” loathe to “wake” me to my reality?

Can the nightmares of my sleep be less stressful that the nightmare of my reality? Can the blurring of waking to what is real in my world and the stuff of nightmares give a respite to my body?

This is so new to me – Grieving for my child, my son – a gut wrenching heart ache that rips through your very insides , hourly , daily wearing away at courage , a lack of healing compounded by”other people” – who seem to want to punish us – those that loved him – perhaps too well?

Can you love someone too much who was part of your mind and body completely from that first miraculous spark that became a life, a child inside you?

A being that shared your heartbeat, your emotions , your fears , your laughter , your tears , your thoughts, your very bodily functions and was a part of you totally for the first months of their life. That child that was in essence YOU , the mother that carried him.

A woman gives a child everything from her body as she nurtures the being that will in a few months be torn from her womb in pain and emotion . That child of her body remains in her heart and in her very being for the rest of her life.

Can one who has only been a wife and not a mother understand the all consuming self sacrificing love that grows as the child grows and does not lessen with time but is magnified by the sharing of days?

When death comes to the child before the mother ( no matter the time frame) there is once again a tearing in her body and soul and a pain that cannot be relieved as the pain of his birth was relieved by the happiness of your child’s cry as he entered the world .

The intensity of love that first filled you as you first held your child in your arms , compounded by the months when you shared a body, whose souls touched and intermingled as life grew and a life essence that is still within you no matter the passing of the years.

I am getting old and weary, I tried to fight the obscenity ( Cancer) that took my son from those that loved him – I tried to do everything and anything to give him his life , I questioned, researched, pleaded and prayed and when the time came to take him off a vent I had to let him go.

Now in my gut-wrenching sorrow my grieving has been sullied – taken from me by “love”- another kind of love perhaps one that is foreign to me a “self” ish love – I don’t know anymore I am drowning in my sea of sorrow battered on the shore of cruelty and selfishness……………….

I know not the way to grieve, to lessen the pain of those I love and whose mother I am still. I am as a wave crashing on a rocky shoreline, fragmented , to be sucked out to sea of grief only to be pummeled once more of the rocks of “other people and my own part of hell”.

April 24, 2010 at 3:21 pm 9 comments



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April 2010