Unreal reality- the sorrow that chokes

April 24, 2010 at 3:21 pm 9 comments

I have learned a great deal , more than I ever wanted to know, in the past few months. I am incredibly tired and spent by the “education”.

In the Jean Paul Sartre play “No Exit” the line delivered ” Hell is other people” has come to my waking nightmare that my life has become.

I am in pieces , fragmented , flotsam in a sea of grief, my direction dependent upon the current of others.

Part of me is dying, part of me is fighting, loving , nurturing . protecting , grieving. I am a confusion of thoughts and emotions. I am no longer me-

Some mornings, as I wake to a sky still dark, I am unsure of what is real and what is a nightmare. My nightmare of reality soon becomes clear and then there are those waking moments where the confusion as to what is my reality bides a while longer.


Is my body ( brain) in order to protect the other parts of “self” loathe to “wake” me to my reality?

Can the nightmares of my sleep be less stressful that the nightmare of my reality? Can the blurring of waking to what is real in my world and the stuff of nightmares give a respite to my body?

This is so new to me – Grieving for my child, my son – a gut wrenching heart ache that rips through your very insides , hourly , daily wearing away at courage , a lack of healing compounded by”other people” – who seem to want to punish us – those that loved him – perhaps too well?

Can you love someone too much who was part of your mind and body completely from that first miraculous spark that became a life, a child inside you?

A being that shared your heartbeat, your emotions , your fears , your laughter , your tears , your thoughts, your very bodily functions and was a part of you totally for the first months of their life. That child that was in essence YOU , the mother that carried him.

A woman gives a child everything from her body as she nurtures the being that will in a few months be torn from her womb in pain and emotion . That child of her body remains in her heart and in her very being for the rest of her life.

Can one who has only been a wife and not a mother understand the all consuming self sacrificing love that grows as the child grows and does not lessen with time but is magnified by the sharing of days?

When death comes to the child before the mother ( no matter the time frame) there is once again a tearing in her body and soul and a pain that cannot be relieved as the pain of his birth was relieved by the happiness of your child’s cry as he entered the world .

The intensity of love that first filled you as you first held your child in your arms , compounded by the months when you shared a body, whose souls touched and intermingled as life grew and a life essence that is still within you no matter the passing of the years.

I am getting old and weary, I tried to fight the obscenity ( Cancer) that took my son from those that loved him – I tried to do everything and anything to give him his life , I questioned, researched, pleaded and prayed and when the time came to take him off a vent I had to let him go.

Now in my gut-wrenching sorrow my grieving has been sullied – taken from me by “love”- another kind of love perhaps one that is foreign to me a “self” ish love – I don’t know anymore I am drowning in my sea of sorrow battered on the shore of cruelty and selfishness……………….

I know not the way to grieve, to lessen the pain of those I love and whose mother I am still. I am as a wave crashing on a rocky shoreline, fragmented , to be sucked out to sea of grief only to be pummeled once more of the rocks of “other people and my own part of hell”.

Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, grief, Love, opinion. Tags: , , .

The Draft – Click – Publish When Vanity and Mum’s advice combine to save a life!

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ngaire  |  April 25, 2010 at 4:35 am

    You write, we read. I hope it all helps with your grief which we all know will never leave you and yours. Focus only on those whom you love and cherish – those who have hurt you are NOTHING.

  • 2. thatwoman  |  April 25, 2010 at 11:46 am

    If only ….. I have been trying to do that since the day Chris died. I thought I would get through the “americanization of death”

    as is the way here and step back so as to honor the customs of the extended family’s culture and religion.

    I told myself I would get through that weekend and Monday and then proceed with our closure—–well you know what happened.

    It has been nearly 5 months and still no closure of course and the “others’ keep coming back into my world and my home and my life……this time with my dead sons belongings…
    through lovely little “notes”.and now we wait for the next round of “gifts that keep on giving grief” to be delivered……It is hard to focus on a healing grief when you are continually waiting for the “others” to pull another cruelty …..

    It does help to write – It was because of a traumatic time in my mum’s life that I suggested to her to write her life as a way of getting it out and now we all have her words in “My Book” – her story and those of her family .. Hey Willy who went to Tasmania is there too 🙂

    And Ngaire ….thanks for being there .hopefully we will meet on the bleachers at the London Olympics……..
    in the mean time I am trying to focus but as strong as I thought I was the mind is willing but the body is weak……

  • 3. aylin  |  April 27, 2010 at 2:47 am

    Read your entry a few times over a couple days. Loss is truly the great leveler. I have said to you before that I can not think of any cross tougher to bare than the loss of a child. When I read your words, I can only think of the Blessed Mother who also carried her son in her womb, cared & fed for a young Jesus and who watched as He was tortured, spit on and humiliated – all for nothing. They say there is no mother that understands and loves each soul than the Blessed Mother. I am asking her to help you heal and for Jesus to hold you in the palm of His hand during this very fragile time. I am so sorry, Lorraine. Make no mistake though, you are you, but you are “you” experiencing the greatest pain known to a mother. You are very hard on yourself expecting so much in such a short time, but if you should ask God to intervene and help you heal and to see the other side of the tapestry, you will see it. He will show you something, I am sure of that. May God bless you always.

  • 4. thatwoman  |  April 27, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Thank you for your thoughts and prayers Aylin, I am not me anymore ,.I was a fighter, I had humour ( sometimes dark) .I was solution based….I have never been one to cry .and now that is all I do every day day after day.I know my son wouldn’t recognize the puddle I have become….I know he wouldn’t want me to be like this….I hate being like this…. those that know me well they are waiting for Loraine to surface once again….. they throw me lifelines, and prayers and love……… but the anchor of depair and emptiness and pain keeps pulling me back to the depths…….

    but once again thank you Loraine

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April 2010

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