August 21, 2010 at 12:11 pm 7 comments

Boxed In and Cut by Chris Ritchey

As with many mornings since you passed from our world into the next, I have watched as the night clouds are blown gently by the dawn breeze, I watch a sky lighten and fill with colour. And I think of you.

I make a cup of coffee , sit at the desk in the den. I look through the window to the trees, they take me on a trip.

There is the one that looks like it should be on plain in Africa, the one from the french countryside, the one that weeps along with me, that should be trailing her branches in the gentle waters of an english river.

Then there is the tree that is touched with the red of anger. It reminds me – it taunts me .

Soon there will be a flash of colour outside this window , one last burst of life and then barren branches reaching into a grey sky.

The life that is green and lush will fall and my eyes will once more see the homes of man rather than the homes of birds, who delight with their song each morning accompanying my tears.

The falling tears have splashed onto the top of this old desk for many months now, they too have left their mark , the varnish has softened, the protection gone leaving exposed the heart of the wood. There is no point in refinishing because tomorrow’s dawn will bring the same tears falling from eyes that cry for you.

Today is the day I am reminded I failed – I couldn’t hold back the falling of life from our branches.

A day that is bitter sweet- it was the day I became someone else , a mother of a son- a mother of promises- a mother who gave her little girl a brother to be with her always…… a mother who gave a father a son one to continue his name .

I remember, this day of all days, all the birthdays as I watch the sun come up on a world that no longer holds you –

I think of your last birthday – another waiting room, you sat slouched in a chair at the Cleveland Clinic waiting for a biopsy on the latest lump on your neck.

Your sister and I went to be with you, knowing in our heart of hearts this was not going to be the birthday that we wanted for you -trying to hide our thoughts and feelings from you . I know I didn’t succeed in that, and I am so sorry.

As your sister approached you looked into her eyes , she tried to smile and just said


It was day not celebrated with presents and laughter but tears and fear and now another “Birthday” a day filled with tears once again and longing and not knowing who I am . And the willow continues to weep as do I .

It is a “Birthday” lost

The first Birthday without you brings the memory of the day of your first birthday we had with you –

You were OUR gift and we love you with all of our broken hearts.


Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, Fathers, grief, Love. Tags: , , .

Language of Hands- Farewell Who you gonna call?

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mary  |  August 21, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Loraine, I feel your pain on this day! I kept waking up through the night knowing that you would be going through this. How my heart breaks for your, your husband, Nickie, Jim, your mum. There are many people holding you in their hearts, especially today. I truly believe that Chris is with you always, just not in the physical sense but he is with you!

  • 2. Lisa  |  August 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    much love to you and yours ♥

  • 3. Ngaire  |  August 22, 2010 at 1:53 am

    You have the memories tho of all the other wonderful birthdays Chris had and you wouldn’t have missed any of them for quids, would you?
    Thoughts are with you and yours.
    Australia decided to have an election on Chris’s birthday!

  • 4. aylin  |  August 22, 2010 at 3:18 am

    My heart aches for you, Loraine. I can not imagine your pain today, thinking of every birthday that you shared with Chris – especially, his first when you realized just how much this little guy changed your life – and his last when you realized just how much impact he had on all of your lives. I am still praying for you and will continue to do so. God bless all of you, I am asking him to hold your in His palms, Loraine – to help you through. aylin.

  • 5. thatwoman  |  August 22, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Thank you all – I had been preparing for this day….I knew it was coming and thought I had geared myself , but it hit like a ton of bricks soehow it was worse than the days after he died , because I think I had the numbness of shock and then the anger of what happened with “them” –

    I know this sounds strange but it was as though I had a “selfish” grieving day” it was just about him and I …..and it was actually still is this morning. “dibilitating” my eyes are not working properly, the sobs that come unnanounced without warning from deep within your being actually make you felel sick and it hurts, your stomach muscles really ache your throat gets sore ……. it truly is a physical grieving because you brain is telling you calm down have a cup of tea..and your body is taking over……… but my mum and Nikki were also in a very very bad way we were all sinking at once yesterday .. my husband didn’t move from the den chair…….but none of us could help ……

    Thank you for all you thoughts….

  • […] wrote last year of your birthday- They say time heals and it gets easier- it doesn’t – I cry every single day with the […]

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August 2010

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