Archive for August 28, 2010

Needed – a Tattoo on my Forehead

I am seriously thinking of getting a tattoo in a highly visible place on my person -one of warning to the general public at large.

You see I am not who I used to be at all and never will be again. I rarely go out for various reasons but one reason is that it takes so damned much out of me . I no longer attend events but when I have to or know that I will be “in public” it takes a great deal of preparation.

I can only liken it to preparing for a role in a play, you go through the characters with whom you will be involved on that particular public stage, the good characters and the bad- how your character will deal with them knowing their roles.

In the back and beyond when theatre played such an important role in my life, I would, before my first entrance on stage, wait in the wings, hesitant , a little nervous and I would always take a deep breath and “assume the role of the character” into which I had been cast.

I find myself doing just that now in this role that fate has chosen for me.Before entering out on the world stage from the security of the wings I put on the make-up take a deep breath and try to get through the scene.

This takes a lot of effort and quite frankly I am a wreck for a couple of days afterwards. Bottling up the grief and pain for those few hours, pretending everything is OK ( no one really likes a blubbering grieving woman even if they do understand why ) so the smile is painted on, laughter forced and the pain and heartbreak that is welling up inside is “capped” under great pressure. The “IT” is the lead in this tragedy.

I had geared myself up for the Mid Ohio racing and visitors from overseas. I knew that these would be very hard days but I took the deep breath and put on the costume of the other old me”I tried to be the old me – I tried to push the pain to the bottom, I really did try to be strong.

Then came , in my opinion, the rudest man in Ohio , he was an anal, holier than thou autocratic bully if I ever came across one.

Now in the normal scheme of things one of two things would have happened. I would have politely dealt with this cretin , moved away from the area or let my son deal with him, because Chris surely would have , of that I have no doubt. He would not have let his Nana and mother be subjected to the red-faced , spittle spluttering pompous arse that assailed us ( over an umbrella) .

Unfortunately, Chris was not there and what this man got in retaliation was “ME ” not the me of old- but the me who had used every bit of her intestinal fortitude just to attend the event. The “ME” who can no longer suffer fools and idiots- the ME who is tired of self righteous sanctimonious control freaks. The ME who is no longer in control of her emotions the ME who is always endanger of “flaring” and subject to language that could make a truck driver blush.

Over react , yes I did ( first to admit it) this man became the epitome of all the crap I had been dealing with ! I didn’t handle the unscripted event at all well. It left me shaking with anger and missing my son more than ever. He just added another weight to the weight I already bear because of the loss of Chris.

Needless to say the following days left me once again in the dressing room of my real world trying to get back a semblance of strength to go back and tread the boards. Those are days when I would welcome the final curtain and the ending of the play. They are days when the only welcoming lights in the theatre of life are the “Exit” signs, but then I see in the follow spot

and I know the 3rd act has to be performed, no matter how badly I play the scene.

But I am thinking that those that attend my “play” may need a program, so they know when to leave the theatre just incase my brain explodes.

August 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm 9 comments



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August 2010