Needed – a Tattoo on my Forehead

August 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm 9 comments

I am seriously thinking of getting a tattoo in a highly visible place on my person -one of warning to the general public at large.

You see I am not who I used to be at all and never will be again. I rarely go out for various reasons but one reason is that it takes so damned much out of me . I no longer attend events but when I have to or know that I will be “in public” it takes a great deal of preparation.

I can only liken it to preparing for a role in a play, you go through the characters with whom you will be involved on that particular public stage, the good characters and the bad- how your character will deal with them knowing their roles.

In the back and beyond when theatre played such an important role in my life, I would, before my first entrance on stage, wait in the wings, hesitant , a little nervous and I would always take a deep breath and “assume the role of the character” into which I had been cast.

I find myself doing just that now in this role that fate has chosen for me.Before entering out on the world stage from the security of the wings I put on the make-up take a deep breath and try to get through the scene.

This takes a lot of effort and quite frankly I am a wreck for a couple of days afterwards. Bottling up the grief and pain for those few hours, pretending everything is OK ( no one really likes a blubbering grieving woman even if they do understand why ) so the smile is painted on, laughter forced and the pain and heartbreak that is welling up inside is “capped” under great pressure. The “IT” is the lead in this tragedy.

I had geared myself up for the Mid Ohio racing and visitors from overseas. I knew that these would be very hard days but I took the deep breath and put on the costume of the other old me”I tried to be the old me – I tried to push the pain to the bottom, I really did try to be strong.

Then came , in my opinion, the rudest man in Ohio , he was an anal, holier than thou autocratic bully if I ever came across one.

Now in the normal scheme of things one of two things would have happened. I would have politely dealt with this cretin , moved away from the area or let my son deal with him, because Chris surely would have , of that I have no doubt. He would not have let his Nana and mother be subjected to the red-faced , spittle spluttering pompous arse that assailed us ( over an umbrella) .

Unfortunately, Chris was not there and what this man got in retaliation was “ME ” not the me of old- but the me who had used every bit of her intestinal fortitude just to attend the event. The “ME” who can no longer suffer fools and idiots- the ME who is tired of self righteous sanctimonious control freaks. The ME who is no longer in control of her emotions the ME who is always endanger of “flaring” and subject to language that could make a truck driver blush.

Over react , yes I did ( first to admit it) this man became the epitome of all the crap I had been dealing with ! I didn’t handle the unscripted event at all well. It left me shaking with anger and missing my son more than ever. He just added another weight to the weight I already bear because of the loss of Chris.

Needless to say the following days left me once again in the dressing room of my real world trying to get back a semblance of strength to go back and tread the boards. Those are days when I would welcome the final curtain and the ending of the play. They are days when the only welcoming lights in the theatre of life are the “Exit” signs, but then I see in the follow spot

and I know the 3rd act has to be performed, no matter how badly I play the scene.

But I am thinking that those that attend my “play” may need a program, so they know when to leave the theatre just incase my brain explodes.

Entry filed under: a Cow -elle opinion, commentary, grief. Tags: .

The Closure- Irving School You say Tomato -I say HOW BIG????

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mary  |  August 29, 2010 at 12:26 am

    Give ’em hell, Loraine! And when it gets too much, you’ve got my number! Call me and I’ll take up where you left off! My family could tell you how I relish those moments! I know, firsthand, that it may seem insurmountable right now and that the grief will always be there, waiting to overwhelm you. I will not tell you that it will go away because it won’t. I can’t tell you it will lessen. It won’t. The only thing I can tell you is that, one day, it might become manageable. That’s the only word I can think to describe it. And I know that it will always be there waiting to take over but remember this! You have Nicky, Gavin, Jim, your mum, Ernie and a multitude of friends standing by you to help you beat down this monster of grief. And crass, sanctimonious boors that shouldn’t be allowed out in society.

  • 2. Ngaire  |  August 29, 2010 at 1:35 am

    I’m with Mary!
    I hope you put the umbrella in a very uncomfortable place for him by the way!! Whew, I’d be betting that he’s a bit more careful whom he crosses another time!!!
    There’s a nice new name for fools that I have gleaned from Jeremy Clarkson of “Top Gear” – cockhead – isn’t it very appropriate sometimes?

  • 3. Loraine Ritchey  |  August 29, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Well he may have thought the sun shone out of his back side that is where I would have loved to given him some shade 😉
    and thanks Mary and Ngaire I know there are a lot of people who are trying so hard to help me through and indeed all of us …we maybe a very little group this little family but we have received love from so many of you that are trying to ease our way …….watching another dawn come up from my goldfish bowl existence….

  • 4. Lisa  |  August 29, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    I say better to blow your stack on him than on someone close to you. We were just talking about the whole ‘suffering fools gladly’ thing last night, because I have noticed that change in myself, too. People just don’t realize that even though you are here today, you can be gone later today. Life truly is too short to go through it being a f*#%!*% idiot to everybody about everything.

  • 5. aylin  |  August 30, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    I am sorry for such a fool to be in your path. This is why they say you never know what is going on in someone’s life, so take the high road. It is truly a ripple effect – our entire lives. He will see one day just how his inconsiderateness affected you. I apologize for him now, but dont let his rudeness control you. Keep marching and dont let him bring you down. Soldier on. There is more good than bad in this world, Loraine. Really.

  • 6. Loraine Ritchey  |  August 30, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    I know and I did over react but I will say this the tipping point is reached more easily nowadays

  • 7. Mark  |  September 2, 2010 at 8:14 am

    If ya gotta give’em hell, then have at it. There are too many fools these days, and I find myself with lesser patience than what I had, and wondering more why people don’t have any common sense, or a more general awareness of who or what is going on around them.

  • 8. Luck -Petit Le Mans -was in for Luke! « That Woman’s Weblog  |  September 10, 2010 at 11:37 am

    […] readers know my cousin’s son -Luke Hines -was over here racing in the Petit Le Mans series. We managed to get to Mansfield to see the action. I sat with Luke’s mum , Tina – in some ways it was easier on the nerves as the vehicles […]

  • 9. The consequence of me! « That Woman’s Weblog  |  January 20, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    […] this post from August? what this man got in retaliation was “ME ” – not the me of old- but the me who had used […]

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August 2010

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