Gorillas in the Midst-
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
— Benjamin Disraeli
There is one who walks my path – just days after I lost my son , she too lost her son. Lisa has also written about what has happened to her , her husband and family since light of the “son” left her world.
Recently Lisa wrote about the “Gorilla in the house”
When your child dies, it is like coming home from a long trip and finding that a gorilla has moved into your house and taken over your life. You contact everyone you can think of to help you get rid of the beast. They hem and haw and shuffle their feet a bit before saying something like “…well, uh, whatcha got thar is a go-rilla and ain’t really a lot we can do about ‘em, y’know…” before sending you back home to the gorilla’s open arms.
The gorilla will wreak havoc in every aspect of your life. Your spouse may become withdrawn or move out because s/he just can’t deal with the gorilla. ………….
ED Note please follow this link for further reading and understanding
You try to live with the great ape the “Gorilla of Grief” – there are days after horrible nights when you try to avoid his logical hiding places. You know that to encounter him on such a day- when you are even weaker than you can bear could be dangerous.
These are the days you walk through the dining room not looking at walls covered with reminders, you stay out of your son’s bedroom- because it will always be his bedroom no matter the change in decor- – you make a conscious effort to avoid known trigger traps – you watch inane programs on television , that you know will have no reminders or significance.
You do everything to avoid the gorilla- you are apprehensive because you know he stalks and will jump at you bringing you to your knees with ripping sobs of despair pulled from the depths of your being .
You are scared of those times because the release is too torturous and you think you will not be able to endure for another moment .
Self- preservation dictates you must avoid the arms of the gorilla. And then a simple task of emptying the dishwasher is your undoing.
As you unpack the clean dishes your eyes alight on the ordinary drinking glasses that shine and sparkle- the new dishwasher working wonders and then the terror – in their reflection you see the gorilla –
The gorilla reminds and taunts you making you remember how your son hated the “bits” left on the glasses- no glass was ever clean enough – his eyes picked up the most microscopic piece – washing it over by hand two or three times would eventually appease his “standard of cleanliness” when it came to drinking glasses.
He so hated “dishwasher clean” we jokingly gave him plastic glasses that were thrown away . Many a holiday table found, what became a family joke , his place setting set not with the “crystal goblet” but pseudo plastic elegance.
Now as the crystal clear glasses sparkle , shine in the morning sun , smooth to the touch , showing no “bits” in their transparency as they are taken from the dishwasher-
the gorilla pounces and attacks –
and once again the simple act of everyday living becomes your waking nightmare.
You know the gorilla is there , you can feel his presence coming nearer – his prey has been located and you are helpless. Your eyes swollen , burning and red from months of tears find yet even more hot, desperate tears flowing down a face etched with loss and memories, a throat already sore from gutteral grief can no longer hold back the sounds of despair – a sucker punch to your gut causes the lungs to release the very oxygen of life – the body struggles against the pressure of the gorillas grip to breathe – your heart seems to fail and then the release as the silent scream is wrenched from you – and the gorilla satisfied for the moment leaves you once again on your knees.
YOU HAVE LOST!!!
The gorilla has found its prey once more.
The Gorilla of Grief is not soon destined for extinction