X1- November the last- Chris Ritchey

November 3, 2010 at 2:43 am 9 comments

November, the last full month of your life- 30 days hath November and I relive every one of them, over and over again. I have been dreading NOVEMBER coming- no mattter how I gear myself November has come and with it a flooding – I wake in the early hours of the morning with the memories , I go to sleep with them – I relive every moment of November- no matter how hard I try not to.

I relive the news as we sat in the Drs. office at MD Anderson that November 6th when they said there

“….there was no trace of the cancer- SGN 35 was working” ,

I relive the look on your face, the way your shoulders heaved as you let out your breath of relief, eyes hidden behind mirrored glasses which showed only a reflection of life about you.

I relive the mention there was

“an issue with your lungs, they wanted to look into “

,

I relive the fact I should have begged harder to your wife and you to stay in Texas, I should have insisted- and dismissed her her pronouncement of

“We will get it done “in network” in Cleveland”

.
I relive the fact I didn’t do more to impart to you my abject fear of that drive back you were planning.

I should’ve been stronger, I should’ve been me and not deferred to her . I am sorry my son I should’ve …….

Could I have changed the ending? I don’t know- probably not- but I should’ve tried no matter how uncomfortable it made the situation with your wife. You knew that everything we ever did was with YOU in mind. even deferring to her when everything screamed within us NO! this is wrong…..

November I watched you dying- the only time I was alone in that damned waiting room was “Thanksgiving Day” – there was no one in that place that afternoon I was sent there when something went wrong with you on the vent – The nurses and Dr. made me leave your side.
A Dr. Anderson came out to me and asked

“Do you want a clergyman?

.

Why would I want a clergyman what was happening? Is Chris critical?

“Yes! he has been!”

Is my son dying?

Yes!

I didn’t know what to do I called your wife and let her talk to the Dr. I didn’t understand , blood gasses, carbon dioxide??????????
My mind in turmoil-

“This can’t be right, dying, NO! no one said anything about dying? Where was everyone , what was I supposed to do ??? How can I tell Nikki – My God , how can I stop this , No he can’t die – this isn’t supposed to be happening…..”


Artwork -CHRIS RITCHEY

Then they all descended, the gypsy caravan of control, the people with their pumpkin pies, cold mashed potatoes and dried up turkey – swapping recipes with others that waited trying to shove food at one another and at me.

” Here you have to try some of this nut roll/pumpkin bread”

I felt like I was in some crazy house of mirrors at the fairground…….everything was distorted, unreal some Danse Macabre – a weird circus full of painted faces, mouths mouthing nothings. I felt removed as if part of a hallucination.

Then you rallied, Nikki had raced to your side, flew into your room , you calmed at her voice, you squeezed her hand and gave her a thumbs -up. She sat with you and talked to you going against all the recommendations she shouldn’t due to the H1N1 and her nursing her baby.

She had to drive the hour home by herself – strip off in the garage , scrub herself down before holding her child, and she did that time after time , because she would have done anything for her brother.

November the last time I heard your voice, the last time you spoke – I heard your last words- I saw the last tears as they fell down your cheek- I knew how scared you were.

November I watched the last movie with you , cooked your your last dinner , heard your fear and witnessed your bravery and held my breath.

Another week passed from that damnable Thanksgiving Day and November closed and with it our hope…………

And now above what remains of you a piece of granite- a monument to selfishness, control, vindictiveness and lack of humanity- does not honor you – my son- it only confirms their wicked actions toward your family!

I keep reminding myself that we are lucky in the fact that the place it marks is just a few pounds of calcium phosphates salts of sodium and potassium, and NOT my beautiful son .

You aren’t there I know that -we all know that logically– but in our hearts the idea of what they have done and do causes so much distress and it is hard for us Chris to think of any part of you locked underground and no one of yours to say a final goodbye………. you would hate it – you told us how you hated that place December 2008- what you thought of the “ceremonies” .


I know that – just as I know you disliked yellow gold, stained glass and plastic flowers and being locked in. Everynight you went to bed your door was always propped open- even in Texas, I knew why you always had to have the room with the balcony.

Meanwhile another November date that brings more pain with it.

I should’ve …….. I know that now
and Wild Horses

A SIN AND A LIE

and WILD HORSES………..

I. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/in-search-of-my-son-and-in-search-of-me/

II. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/02/03/today-the-third-is-a-trigger/

III. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/03/the-gift-chris/

IV. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/04/03/love-plus-loss-does-not-equal-logic/

V. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/05/03/no-answers-my-son-chris-ritchey/

VI.https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/06/03/vi-pers-chris-ritchey/

VII. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/no-7-chris-ritchey/

VIII – https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/fate-plus-eight-chris-ritchey/

IX-https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/remember-the-kind-of-september-chris-ritchey/

X https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/10/03/x-her-viking-chris-ritchey/

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Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, grief, Love, men of substance, Mothers, personal opinion. Tags: , , , .

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9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lisa  |  November 3, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Oh Loraine, I am so sorry. The awful things that this terrible grief does to a mother’s mind are so unfair. In your heart, you know that you made the best decisions – and the right decisions at the time – with the information you were given. I know you can’t help but relive everything over and over and over again – I hate that part of this horrible grieving process. I wish the gorilla would just bring our sons back and then go away and leave us alone forever.
    Thinking of you, sending you much love and a (BIGHUG) today ♥

  • 2. Mary  |  November 3, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Loraine, you are never far from my thoughts, especially right now. You’re right! Your son was and always will be YOUR beautiful boy! Keep that in your heart, please. And know that there are those of out here keeping you and YOUR family in OUR hearts!

  • 3. Rich  |  November 3, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    My heart swells as I think of Chris as well. Fighting the cancer is something nobody but those who are suffering will know. We remain strong for those on the outside until we ‘break’……You know everyone is always in my heart and on my mind.

  • 4. Peter Potamus  |  November 3, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    You too are a fighter, Loraine…

    There’s “alot” that will never heal… a “little” that will heal over time.

    Your son did the best with the hand of playing cards that he was dealt…. and in the process of dying, hopefully set an example for all he knew on how to handle with dignity “the inevitable”.

    Again, with the mashups of words, art, citations from literature, you have allowed your readers to come to know a little of an individual who was truly “alive” and “vibrant” to those fortunate enough to be close to him during the days that he did walk amongst us all.

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Loraine; good kids are a product of good parents, siblings, extended families of aunts, uncles, etc. and even a daft dog… his life was a reflection of the people who loved him and helped him grow to be what he indeed came to be.

    As always,
    Peter Potamus

  • 5. Lisa  |  November 4, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Peter, that was beautiful and well said.

  • 6. thatwoman  |  November 4, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Yes Peter the comment was truly appreciated- and thank you to everyone who is so supportive and caring on and off the blog- yesterday was a particulalry horrible day and the emotional incontinence was in full force as I expect it to be this month of months.

    And Peter he was truly alive and vibrant and accomplished more than I realized in his time on this planet and I am so lucky that I have his artwork that speaks for him and to me –

    the cruelty of being told that “you didn’t know your son” and the horrible 2nd guessing that was heaped upon us by people we really didn’t know- on top of the most awful pain a parent can feel was even more devastating.- the removal from his kith and kin adfter his death is and continues to be an act of disgraceful cruelty – no matter how it is justfied …..

    But again thank you everyone ! it helps and sometimes gets me through a day …….

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    […] you kept it from me. And yes! I should’ve dealt with the tooth that broke in Texas earlier, I should have done a lot of things I should’ve but didn’t so after the antibiotics are done, the pain pills kick in I am […]

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