XII- December – Omega – Alpha – Chris Ritchey
and The Alpha the beginning of a life left to those who love of torment , torture and a burden of sorrow that bends ones soul and the heart until only relief will be hopefully found in our own Omega.
In those last minutes as I watched as the paleness creep into your face as life left and a great emptiness filled me – I remember the heat of your skin to my touch – you were so hot- as if you were burning up – a flame of life flaring one last time. I couldn’t imagine how to get through the next seconds, minutes, hours. I am consumed with guilt of promises made the day you were born to never let anything happen to you and the promise made that we would get through this when you were diagnosed and that you would live your life….
– The Alpha- The beginning of another kind of hell that day of losing our hope and your life that continues to swirl and pull – no peace -a closure denied – – the discovery of wickedness that shows the depths of selfishness that can be found even amongst those that preach compassion and love – an evil wickedness that compounds and adds to the already unthinkable that of outliving your child.
As shock and disbelief mixed with grief and love stirred with wickedness of self-service of those that proclaim faith an anger started to fill the emptiness of the vessel of my being -an anger that replaced the hope- an anger that grew with every passing day fed by the actions of cruelty and selfishness of those that professed a love.
How can a year have passed?
– that is nonsense – a year No ! it is but one long,long day and longer night that we endure.
Tears still stream from eyes sore with crying, a father still weeps and listens in vain for the sound of his son’s voice – a sister still holds tight her child to gain some comfort as she grieves everyday for the loss of her little brother , a grandmother in all her wisdom cannot come to grips with what has happened to her grandson and fading eyes strain to see him once more.
I am trilogy a year later, a being filled with sorrow, love and anger …..
Instead of compassion, caring and shared loss filling the void that was left by your dying, as should be the case, we were left with even more pain – if that was possible- heaped onto the already unbearable.
We were blindsided, not thinking that it was possible to face more pain especially coming at us from so unexpected a source. Instead of a shared grief and healing the void was filled with incredulousness, bewilderment , vindictive mouthings – and then an anger- an anger that props one up when the grief becomes all-consuming, not faith, not love but anger has kept me from being totally dysfunctional !
It is an anger at a disease, and at “those” now likened in mind to a cancer that silently waits , controls until at last the malignancy of “self” shows its basilisk presence unmasked by truth.
I have written hundreds of thousands of words during this long ,long day and longer night none of which can fully describe how we love you and long for your smile , none of which can impart the pain we still feel and none of which can assuage the Lombardis, Vykas, Gotts, Gonzales and Zaworskis- any more than I could rid their pestilence and those of their “hangers-on” , the “friends” from the corridors of the Cleveland Clinic and from around your death-bed. –
I am the being your loss and their actions have made me –I am trilogy………
And as our long long day continues :
Graceless Lady – YOU KNOW WHO I AM And WILD HORSES…………