The consequence of me!

January 20, 2011 at 12:51 pm 5 comments

Remember this post from August?

what this man got in retaliation was “ME ” – not the me of old- but the me who had used every bit of her intestinal fortitude just to attend the event. The “ME” who can no longer suffer fools and idiots- the ME who is tired of self-righteous sanctimonious control freaks. The ME who is no longer in control of her emotions the ME who is always endanger of “flaring” and subject to language that could make a truck driver blush.

I really do NEED a warning label. I may look Ok – I may be smiling on the outside but I can change in a fraction of a second.

It still takes so much for me to leave this house. People have said

Oh it gets easier in time -the grief lessens- time heals

I am here to tell you THAT IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!

As I try to think of the good memories of my son and our lives together , ones without – cancer, death and diseased disciples of control– those great memories only point up the fact that my son is gone and magnifies the “missing” . I am still an emotional puddle of a person- subject to tears at a moments notice. Therefore when I go out I still gear myself to meet with people, I look for the nearest escape route incase the “floods” come forth or I can no longer bear the pain. .

I have another worry – in the past 13 months I have not met up with or bumped into any of the “committee of control.” Since I only saw a few of them on rare occasions my memory of them is “hazy”. I haven’t attached much importance to remembering their deceitful faces.

But I DID wonder what my reaction may be if I did ever bump into any other them . Well now I know –
Last week I was at a fundraiser- I sat at the back of the room so I could scan the incoming. Luckily my husband and I were soon joined by some entertaining and friendly faces.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED– I felt ( as I sat there) a hand on my shoulder and a voice saying

“how are you?”

as I partially turned to look at the owner of the hand I saw a familiar hairstyle and a partial face-

My body froze – I believed I had at last come face to face with a viper– I shook off the offending hand- I felt like I was on fire at the same time an icy cold permeated from my being.

“I remember saying as I shook the person from my being-

How dare you? don’t you dare touch me!

I felt disgust and nauseous that this woman was anywhere near me.

The faces at the table were bewildered as I turned away and the woman stepped back I looked into the perplexed face of her husband.

THEN IT DAWNED– and I quickly turned to see not a viper but a very bewildered mother of one of Chris’s friends from the past.

I could do nothing but apologize and tell her that I had mistaken her for one of the “aunts” ( Michele Gonzales as a matter of fact).

“My God, I felt like I had the plague or something

she said

” What ever did she do to you, it must have been awful to get that reaction “?

I then explained what had happened as Chris lay dying and after his death.

They were shocked and hadn’t had any idea we had been put through so much pain.

My apologies were accepted and actually the husband thought it would make a good story. I spent the rest of the evening explaining to people at other tables my reaction to this lady and why I had responded the way I did . I am afraid my behaviour was quite noticable.

I really felt badly that someone who was such a caring person experienced just the tip of the iceberg of my wrath…… BUT I know now how deep my feelings of disgust go with these people. I was surprised myself….

Nikki, logically stated, when I told her what had happened

“Mum, think about it- why would Michele or any of them care how you are or even approach you?”

But logic was the furthest thing from my emotional reaction – I didn’t think I reacted……… so make sure you don’t come up from behind and please announce yourself – as I am not myself and in my fog you may not be seen as a friend 🙂

Entry filed under: death, grief, hell is other people, Mothers, personal opinion. Tags: , , , .

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mary  |  January 20, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    As one of those who was at the table, I immediately knew what was up. There is a vague similarity of resemblance and no one faulted you! You’ve been through a really tragic experience and you’ve a lot of people who love and care deeply about you, Ernie, Nikki, Jim, Janet and Gavin. Don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks. You deal with YOUR grief in YOUR way! We’re here to support you!

  • 2. Loraine Ritchey  |  January 20, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Thanks Mary I always have said that there is a side to me that has been rarely seen but there was a flash of that that night…. I am wearing my heart and my emotions on my sleeve and can’t help it I am afraid…….. sometimes this whole period of my life seems unreal and I am going to wake up from this nightmare…….. thanks for the smiles that night….. Loraine

  • 3. Mary  |  January 20, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    You were a delight and my dad and daughter very much enjoyed meeting you! My daughter couldn’t get over how much you reminded her of her own granny!

  • 4. Loraine Ritchey  |  January 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    you have an absolutely “beautiful” daughter – she is breathtaking .one day your dad and I are going to talk over a wee dram 🙂

  • […] Nog misbehaved- So mummy said incase she does that again we have to go with her now so I was introduced to […]

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January 2011

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