Archive for October 3, 2011

October Third- The OZ factor- Chris Ritchey

The third of the month comes once again to pull at me
to pull me back to places I do not want to be-
The third a reminder of a day – a life to smother-
loss of a son and brother- little happiness – questions abound – whilst the laughter in life is no longer found.

Hard, hard days and as I meet more and more the thoughtlessness and cruelty of selfishness these past weeks – my questions come fast and furious. I was an only child- how I longed for a brother , sister to share my hopes, triumphs and fears . I longed for family , I longed for children of my own, I wanted the essence of family , the shared love I thought I was missing out on being an only child.

Blood became very important to me at a very young age. I had a great deal of closeness to my cousins in England but when I was 8 we left England for Canada and I lost those ties that bind- they were thousands of miles away . When I did have my children I instilled upon them, what I hoped they would remember , they were of the same blood- no matter what happened in their lives they would have each other- it was not to be but what is “to be ” is that I will no longer allow those not of my blood to hurt or come between those that are.

Anger I have found is a most misunderstood emotion. Anger actually has been beneficial in my world of late. It has kept me from totally puddling emotionally. Anger should not be confused with hate. Hate would be all-consuming, my grief is all-consuming – no room for hate.

Anger on the other hand, in my world, actually is a positive. Without the utter anger I felt in the past days I could not have moved my mother- I just wouldn’t have had the strength physically, it was anger that enabled me to pack 27 years worth of life into plastic bags, haul furniture and clothes up and down flights of stairs. And just when I would start to flag the thought of that selfish narcissistic cretin gave me the strength and admittedly helped my husband and myself make a “moving miracle”.

Remembering another day when my son’s future wife tried to come between brother and sister– she nearly managed that time- a time before the obscenity of cancer entered his life. I thought the only sickness he would have to deal with was the jealously his future wife obviously felt due to the bond between my son and daughter. As I watched the manipulation , I held my voice , hoping he would see the quiet coldness I saw in this slip of a girl. Would he have ever – I’m sure he would’ve, if cancer had not first laid claim to his waking moments; he would have one day recognized her for what she was and turned out to be, the Angela we saw exposed to us as a family, at our lowest ebb, underneath her trappings of “niceness” cold , cruel and calculating . Her words sent to those in the throws of grief, hardly healing just meant to maim and maim they did until anger and an anger just as cold became the equalizer .

Family , so important and proclaimed by many to be the end all and be all and yet it is family that can destroy and pillage a heart as the sickness of self is stronger from those you love than known enemies. It strikes , slithering , silent and undetected, a wounding of ones spirit.

I have mentioned in previous posts I no longer believe in Karma – I believe it is just a platitude to give one hope for some sort of justice , when there is none to be found. I could give hundreds of examples of the wickedness caused by monsters throughout the ages who lived and laughed whilst their victims screams for justice are silenced.

Since my mum has now started to settle in here , her world once more rocked by those that are “family”( thankfully not blood to me at least), I have watched some television I would never watch. One of mum’s favorites is Dr. Oz-he isn’t mine- in fact there are but one or two Dr.s that I would trust, I have seen too much coming out of the medical field lately to have any confidence in their ability .

However, this week mum was watching the episode What Happens When You Die?

The “good” Dr. went through the physical happenings and then we got to the light and near death experiences. I have my theory as to what happens but what I found interesting was one chap’s experience.

Apparently when he “died” he felt a presence next to him and he travelled through situations he had been involved in throughout his life. He relived those experiences but not from his perspective but from the perspective of the other people involved. Apparently he felt their pain , their sadness, their anger and hurt and all that they felt .

Whether or not he actually died and there was another being guiding him or whether it was his brain and all its circuits and lack of oxygen , who knows-
but I rather liked the concept of those that have heaped upon this family ( what is left of us) feeling OUR pain , anger , bewilderment and grief and reactions – karmic.

I would settle for that ……….. and that is my wish for those that are self who have hurt terribly and caused such distress to the ones I love at their weakest moments

and Wild Horses

The anger keeps me standing and tilting of windmills. As I closed the door at 1033, Oberlin Avenue for the last time last week – I felt relief I never have to deal with that individual again- he, no longer exists in my world.

I would love to be able to close the door on the Lombardi, Gott, Zaworskis, Gonzales, Vyka and Angela ritchey DO unfortunately whilst their cemetery holds hostage a son’s last remains- I have no closure – they took it from us…….. and no closure means the journey and anger continues along with grief!

October 3, 2011 at 1:25 am 6 comments



Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 231 other followers
October 2011