It is better to have an aeroplane stuck on your head than saviour syndrome
There are days you “know” are going to be very difficult when you are a grieving parent. Those days you know the “Gorilla of Grief” is waiting to pounce. You prepare for those days they are usually anniversaries you would sooner forget, memories that are nightmares and vision that is all hindsight.
If you have a job or can still have a hobby you throw yourself into those areas with a vigour born of desperation-
Please let me get through these days without thinking , without reliving the pain, to be able to breathe without holding your breath to keep back the tears.
When Chris was first diagnosed and the treatments started- the 6 rounds of chemo and a month of radiation- I wished my life away wanting desperately to get through to the other side of February. I desperately wanted it to be October when he would be finished with the treatments for the “curable cancer” – not to see him hooked up to the poisons that were flowing through the IV to keep him alive.
I recall every step of walking from the waiting room at the oncologists that very first treatment to where he sat in a chair, with others, hooked up one poison to kill the poison of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma – it is a mother’s worst nightmare and it is reality for so many. I didn’t want to relive those memories that I knew would surface.
So I threw myself back into “Lorain” as evidenced in the writing about St. Joes – https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/st-joes-community-center-three-legged-stool-one-missing-leg/
I also took on board part of my previous life when I was susceptible to what is known as the “saviour syndrome”. It is experienced by people who think they can make a difference in a situation- the “
I can do that” “I can fix that” ” I can make a difference”- I have an idea that might work-
The syndrome lessens as you become more experienced because reality, logic, beat down and eventually apathy are the cure for the “saviour syndrome”.
However , this week I had a reoccurrence of the “saviour syndrome” it just might take me away from the path of the Gorilla of Grief so I flung myself heartily back into the role of “trying to fix it”- IT being issues with the City of Lorain or at least pointing out some situations that I hoped would be proactive for the “powers that be”- it didn’t take long to remember why the saviour syndrome had been replaced by logic and apathy.I will possibly write about what happened to cure me later – I am not sure I can be bothered at the moment – but just let’s say – “they ( TPTB)” talk a good game but you know they really don’t want your input- you are the cog in the wheel they would rather not grease 🙂 and sometimes the cog is a nuisance not to be born……..
Oh well, we of the saviour syndrome types have all been there before which is why we are leery of “getting involved” again.
and now the fish is a constant companion- Oh! he has lost his tail- the remote no longer works- he looks decidedly like a fish that got caught in the filter but he and his “leash” are always with us-. He has also been called by some in the family that “damned fish”!
Gavin is not satisfied with “toys as they are” they serve many purposes other than which they were designed.
For instance the Geo Track aeroplane pictured – sounds just like the “clippers used in his “big boy haircut” he experienced a couple of weeks ago with his “poo bah Ritch”.
So on the dreaded day I went to “play” in the world of a child again.
I became the client and Gavin the “barber” with the aeroplane taking on the role of the “clippers”, unknown to me the remote for the “plane /clippers was ON” and after a little while the “mechanism” found its mark – MY HAIR and very quickly my hair and the mechanism were one .
I quickly grabbed the remote to turn off the motor but the damage was done – I had an aeroplane stuck on my head and there was no prying it loose- although Gavin did try to pull it off which was met with a “teeth gritting silent scream” so as not to scare him. I said between the agony of the situation-
Let’s go find mummy and show her what we have been doing “
We eventually made it upstairs to where his mum was having a well deserved nap – she awoke to her mother standing by her bed with an aeroplane stuck on her head. Eventually the plane was removed ( along with the roots of some of my hair) and Gavin and I had a cup of tea and played “fire truck”
But all in all I would say having an aeroplane stuck on your head was infinitely more pleasant than dealing with the results of the “saviour syndrome” this week. The imagination of a little child did chase the Gorilla of Grief away for just a few moments.