My Brain ? My sanity? The reasoning?

March 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm 1 comment

I have written about my journey
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/the-journey-continues-i-long-for-laughter-chris-ritchey/
and in particular about my brain on grief :

When Chris died that damp cold December day , the days and weeks that followed locked me in some place other than this life. My mind churned and wheeled – I tried to “wake up” from a nightmare reality that sucked me into the depths- I couldn’t think ,I couldn’t comprehend what had happened what was happening. I felt I was on some hellacious “trip”- my world was one of pictures, and sounds that made no sense, had no logic.

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/the-lowest-ebb-i-knew-my-son-chris-ritchey/

My brain tries nightly to file , it puts together stories only to find the body responding badly . The brain is supposed to be in control, but there is a usurper stronger than the brain – it is my grief . The body, far from resting, is pummelled hourly by a sound bites of life and experiences, thoughts and fears.

Try as it might the brain is furiously trying to sort, file and catalogue so the body can heal with sleep.

The brain tries to categorize my son and his place in this netherworld of real and what is not real. The brain once more gives him a voice I can no longer hear when awake, a form , a dimension, a story line that is supposed to make some sort of sense,to bring some order to the disorder.

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/to-sleep-perchance-to-ptsd/

I have tried to be totally honest in the hope that others will know they aren’t alone in their grief.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/to-be-or-not-to-be-why-and-wherefores/

Another mother,Rebecca R. Carney, who also lost her son, has an excellent blog
http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/a-few-things-ive-learned-in-the-10-years-since-jason-died/
and one post in particular took on the Five Stages of Grief- the catch all handbook .
http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/the-five-stages-of-grief/
There is a real pain physically to grief and her words in regard to the “breath we take ” I know too well

Not only did our walks give me something to look forward to and a precious friendship, but (because I had developed the habit of taking very shallow breaths in order to deal with the pain and grief) it forced me to concentrate on my health and to force more air into my lungs.

I realized I am not insane(yet??) but my poor brain with what it has been dealing with is on some sort of hyper drive.

I attended a meeting last week ( trying to escape for just a little while my nether world)-and someone asked: How are you? the look of compassion written on their face.
I found myself replying – after of course taking the “suck up breath”

Fragmented and fractured

And I am , even more so than a year ago. My brain seems to be working overtime – I have told how through “triggers”
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/01/31/the-broken-heart-trigger-response/
although I appear to those around me going to the refrigerator to get milk- that mere action they see is my body at the refrigerator door going through the motions but in reality my brain has me elsewhere, another kitchen in Texas getting a glass of milk for my dying son ( because he was dying- I know that now ).

The more and more triggers and memories flood my conscious brain ( which makes up 12% of our brain) – the subconscious ( which makes up the other 88 percent) seems to be learning and quickly bringing (unbidden) to the fore of my brain memories , places and things my conscious brain has long forgotten –
http://www.trancemaker.co.uk/hypnosis/humanmind.htm

I know this sounds ridiculous but I feel like I am in two parts in two different worlds, because the subconscious world is just as real . It is very strange because quite frankly another part of my brain ( and I am not sure where that part is lodged) is finding this fascinating.

Am I suffering from some sort of dementia? I had often wondered where someone, whose conscious brain had removed them from this reality and were locked into another reality, where they were?

Were they locked into happier times and forgetting pain and problems ? What scares me is that if I lose my grip on this “real world” I can think of nothing more frightening than to be locked into the reliving every moment of the last months of Chris’s life and the despair visited upon us by his bride Dr. Angela Ritchey over and over again without the safety net of my daughter and grandchildren to bring me back.

I have become very adept at dream interpretation- I know logically why and what my brain is doing as I try to sleep- to sort my fragmented days into some sort of fileable order. My remembered strange dreams aren’t so strange anymore – I know from whence they come and why.

I also know when I am NOT dreaming… so why this post? last night I had such a “fracturing” it was fairly terrifying – I can’t really get my head around it at the moment – I need to go through the experience again in my memory of it and try to sort it out……but all I can say it was as if there were two realities colliding……………

Tonight there is a new tv show Awake and NO that is not what triggered this instance of brain overload in me last night – I would know that 🙂

to be continued………………

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Entry filed under: blogs, Chris Ritchey, death, grief, Link -ups, Mothers, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , .

The GOOD??? Doctor – or Dentist…. March 3rd- The Missing Teammate – Chris Ritchey

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