Concrete in the lungs- June 3rd – Chris Ritchey

June 3, 2012 at 10:38 am 9 comments

The diagnostic box- self- portrait Chris Ritchey

All week long, I’ve felt the grief edging upward, through my innards, heavy- like concrete- filling my lungs, tears stuck like gum in my throat and bubbling up, spilling over into the world.

I read those words from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore and I identified with those words – like concrete filling my lungs. Every mother who grieves for the loss of their child has experienced that symptom- it causes you to take shallow breathes- it is a concrete mixed to perfect portions of love- loss- hopelessness- building a monument to grief.

My lungs feel like that most of the time – the sheer weight drags on your heart , somewhere in the midriff a cold pain spreads through your limbs , invisible hands of the monster of loss squeezes your throat without mercy with murderous intent and tears choke what little air you still breathe. You die a little , but then the body fights to live -grief explodes from you in a terrible birthing act and brings you to your knees.

Chris the words you said to me that last night in your apartment –

“Mum not being able to breathe is worse than the cancer”

haunt me still.

I wish – oh how I wish many things – I wish I hadn’t listened to “dr’s to be “ Drs in training and questioned more closely Dr’s in teams– insisted upon my own family Dr. being involved ( one I trusted) . How I wish I had been able to think, to react with my gut and my brain- I was in some unreal world where I wandered not understanding – waiting – numb- unable to function -as me. I see even now the faces of nurses , their eyes trying to talk to me – I know now what they were trying to say – that my hopes and dreams for you would not happen- kindly trying to lead me to the realization – I couldn’t bring myself to understand the unspoken. I finally roused from my netherworld to fight those that surrounded you , those who took control
– but it was too late – it was the day you died- too late………..

Oh! they ended up with the safe diagnosis ( given to them initially by a slip of a girl with a two-year residency under her belt- your wife – in that emergency room at the clinic. ) Ah! the trust of one of their own….. had they not been told H1N1 by her in the first place I wonder ………. but once again too late –

H1N1 on your death certificate . I always knew in my heart of hearts that was not the cause of your death – it was the convenient diagnosis– the eenie meanie mini moe team diagnosis-. Would the probable diagnosis have changed the outcome? Probably not. Oh! life insurances and stats were compromised with the H1N1 diagnosis- Drs. may have had to “rethink” their “treatment choices” – I am sure, but you would still not be here.

Chris Ritchey Face book icon

I have time to research , I have had time to question, time to look at records, time to read since you died- I have talked to Drs., specialists internationally, nationally and locally – gone over records – cause and effect of drugs and treatments – explored a world I was unfamiliar with – a world I wanted no part of and did not want to revisit.

In my opinion, the cure killed you before the cancer – your lungs turned to concrete – a concrete consisting of radiation , chemo drugs, time lines and possible cures. The human guinea pig and lab rat that you became may have helped someone else but not with the convenient H1N1 diagnosis – even though they did not cure- you are down in the “stats” as a success re the latest cure for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma –

Oh! too bad he died of H1N1


NO! it wasn’t H1N1 imho – you died of Acute Pulmonary Toxicityyour lungs turned to concrete and now so do mine with the Acute Pulmonary Grief………. and there is no cure for either of us .

Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, Doctors/Physicians, grief, health, hell is other people, Love, men of substance, Mothers, personal opinion. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

Lorain’s History- moved about- literally A Memory of Vipers- Chris Ritchey

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Doc  |  June 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    The only involvement Angela should have had was as Chris’ wife, not his doctor. She should have told the doctors what they needed to know about his cancer & treatment, period. Since she wasn’t really a part of any of that, though, she should have just kept her diagnostic opinions to herself. And by that same thought, her “colleagues” should have known better than to rely solely on the word of a 2nd year resident who had really only put in maybe 6mo-1yr worth of actual work.

  • 2. Loraine Ritchey  |  June 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I will go into more detail about this horrible journey right from the first diagnosis in my series on the Dr’s – but it means I have to relive that journey and those that were a part of it….. but it is soooooooooooo damned hard . IT COSTS ME SO MUCH EMOTIONALLY …….. but since every day I get searches on this blog about Hodgkins and treatment- I feel I owe it to other mothers , brothers and sisters to tell of the journey so maybe just maybe they will have more information and to watch out for certain things…….

    I am writing the Good Dr. etc series with backstory in order to help me get to the point I can relive in detail those months……..

    I trusted……. I naively thought the one with the medical training was better suited to deal witrh the “medical community…. I WAS WRONG!

  • 3. Lisa  |  June 4, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I wish I knew then what I know now. Every time I read other heart kids’ blogs, I come up with new questions and other information that leaves me feeling like “I should have known that. I should have asked about that.” Ah, the old woulda coulda shoulda gets ya every time, even though we know we did everything possible for our sons with what we had available to us then. It’s ironic that lung issues contributed to Gabe’s demise, as well. I never thought to ask about his lungs.

  • 4. Loraine Ritchey  |  June 4, 2012 at 11:28 am

    We weren’t the medical specialists , we relied upon their knowledge and treatment. I thought we had an edge having one whose knowledge was of that world as part of the family – I was so wrong to put any trust in her. … I know that now in more ways than one and what I have learned since and the experience we have had. well it leaves me less enamired of the “medics”

  • 5. warrior13  |  June 12, 2012 at 5:55 am

    just visiting your blog….and crying with your posts……I am so sorry for all your pain and the injustice of it all….I just wanted to tell you that…and I would hug you if I could.

  • 6. Loraine Ritchey  |  June 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Thank you – I saw the information about Robin Roberts yesterday and how the cure has caused her “deadly” issues – so I will try and write about the journey fully and in detail so others may then “know” questions they should ask

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June 2012

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