Computing ME and the Intensity of a Mother’s Love

September 26, 2013 at 11:17 am 2 comments

dragcomputer

I have not downloaded the Dragon Software
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/09/16/pc-beware-that-woman-pc-s-in-peril/
coward that I am , especially due to my once or should I say many times experiences of being bitten by technology. I don’t want to do anything which may mess with the latest expensive desk top and my myriad of files ( even though I can’t easily access them – thank you Windows 8!!!!). I decided instead to “persuade” my husband to download it to his lap top- he only uses it for recipes and solitaire anyway :). Knowing my penchant for wrecking technology he is understandably hesitant, although he did say

“Yeah, Ok but it will have to wait – I can’t find the microphone- I thought I had it in the box” –


As mentioned, I wanted to make a start on one of three books I have in mind .

I will start the old-fashioned way

thought I

until he gets around to “finding???” and downloading the dragon .

However, as I started on – page one- that has not worked out too well. The writing follows the direction of the “ME of the moment” that is in control of my emotional state. I started as defensive me, then angry me, depressed me, wounded me, apathetic me, logical me and then puddle me. The fragmented “ME” -I am now- all had a hand in the writing and editing and therefore it was a jumble. The 1st page has been revised more times than a politician’s platform . I can’t make up my mind and neither can my writing.

I feel inadequate, out of my depth in this instance . I thought possibly if I could “talk” the story first and edit later I might be able to make some sense when it came to a direction and editing.

I tend , because of the blog and many years of a column, to edit as I write. This isn’t going to work in this case- I am too much a part of the story. I am not a mere observer. I am a mother first , a mother who has outlived one of her children – there is a blame, a guilt a questioning of life or faith of everything that was “before” my son died , changing the ME.
chriarmsblur
I was checking my searches this morning and the search –

how intense is a mother’s love

brought the person to the following post:

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/05/06/mothers-day-what-degree-a-mothers-love-and-who-decides/
At that time, just weeks after my son died, I received a letter in my dead son’s clothes from my son’s “bride” the “healer”????? Angela Marie (Lombardi) Ritchey DO who made my love for my son something of a negative which “blinded me to who my son was” . I replied to Dr. Angela Ritchey in an open post-
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/i-didnt-know-my-son-chris-ritchey/

The wounded me , shaken me and just trying to “live and get through the days “me due to the loss of my son found it cruel and incredulous she would try to taint the memories I shared with my son. I refused to let her take anything more of him, she and her family had done enough.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/12/11/december-11th-the-beginning-of-the-beginning/

Hence the rise of the anger me” and the bitter me“!

multiple-personality
Since that time the questioning me questions intent and the worthiness of some in the supposed healing profession.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/black-box-warnings-take-heed-humira-etc/

I have realized, after these many months, the death of my son has not stopped my love for him, it is undying; if anything it grows with each “memory that should have been” is missed.

The love continues , but the love given to the son or daughter who is no longer among us has no outlet , no recipient. When Chris died , the part of me who was Chris’s mother died too. The other me– the daughter , the wife , mother of Nikki, grandmother of her children still lives and loves but I am fragmented from the “whole” . It is hard to find which “ME” will write the story but it will be “truth” no matter the ME .

Now whilst my husband is otherwise occupied I am going to look for that microphone !

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Entry filed under: a Cow -elle opinion, Chris Ritchey, death, Doctor/Physician, grief, Love, Mothers, personal opinion, writers and writing. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dr Tammy  |  September 26, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    If I might be so bold as to suggest a method to the process. Start with an outline of the chapters. This is something publishers want to see, never give the publisher “chapters”. You have years of material to put into chapters, so it is not that you don’t have the content. Use what you have. If you want to publish the book, you can shop the idea with an outline (or table of contents). Publishers are wizards at knowing what sells (even though you may not be doing this just to sell).

  • 2. Loraine Ritchey  |  September 26, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    I know thanks Tammy I am fortunate that due to my previous writing life…. two of my previous publishers will publish and I am also thinking of E books not sure really ….. I am doing the one book which is sort of book two- my mothers memoirs being book one…. of my life and experiences-from earliest memories and that book will be totally for my daughter and grandchildren ( as well as some other family members) sort of a family history not going to publish as such for the general public….probably a private print 🙂

    the 2nd one is the medical journey of the “curable” cancer ( Hodgkin’s Lymphoma the medical profession seems to think is the cancer you want ( sigh)… I get so many people who have been diagnosed with HL coming to this blog looking for answers – not just to the medical protocol, but the ordinary everyday questions a mother or father has whose child is diagnosed because this HL strike the 10 to 30 year olds ….and I believe someone has to be honest and in lay persons terms what to expect, the chemo the radiation , the insurance, the hospitals, the stem cell transplants, what to ask what to look out for what to believe and what not to believe…..but that means reliving those horrible hopeful 13 months of diagnosis til death… and I am trying to find the courage ..talking it out loud might also help because I start crying and I can’t see to type.

    The third book is about what happens afterwards- and that too is very very difficult…

    I suppose I could start with the family history but I have a long memory and led quite an eventful life in a number of countries and communities – met a lot of fascinating people including the Beatles, Troggs, British politicians of whom you will have heard- nearly married a Lord – oh dear and here I landed 🙂 love has a lot to answer for 😉 , and once I start that well it is going to take the energy from the other two . I believe they are more important will help and do more good in the long run to those who question….than my memories of

    Oh well still haven’t found the microphone- but I will 🙂

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