November 3rd- “take my breath away” -Chris Ritchey

November 3, 2013 at 1:01 pm 3 comments

Once again, my recent life has been “preparing for the suffocation” that is my grief. These past few weeks have been especially hard – I knew I would have to be laced in a corset of control – keeping me upright – bound tightly, each breath measured, so I could get through .

chrisdisplay

The art show in Cleveland was the first hurdle

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/cleveland-institute-of-art-loren-naji-gallery-chris-ritchey/
, but I knew with your dad’s and sister’s support I could manage the getting together of your work and the pre show. We three, are like three different poles bound together, lashed to one another by our love of you , supporting each other as a “whole”- but knowing it would take just a moment of weakness from any one of us and the knot of strength would come undone causing all to topple in a fragmented and broken heap.

This event was followed by the meet the young people who were awarded your scholarships both at Cleveland Institute of Art
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/flames-the-fire-of-talent-and-remembering-cia-chris-ritchey/

and then days later at Lorain County Community College.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2011/03/28/chris-ritcheys-collage-colleges-scholarships-lccc-and-cia/

You would think walking through the halls, even the parking lot, would get easier- it doesn’t! I still see you there, memories flood back but I have managed to control the intense emotions that stir knowing they would be with me and gearing up for their onslaught. I have the armour of knowing!
pumkinsgb

Yes, I have managed even when little fingers once again mimic those days of your childhood- I prepare for those flash back memories as they burst in and out of this reality.

And then, thinking myself safe in the mundane, some thing as insignificant as looking for a recipe for a friend, causes me to let down my guard on grief.I feel protected here in my home where I know all too well where the emotional mine fields are. – mumbling to oneself ,

why do I not “put things away “- why can’t I remember where I put something I just had a couple of months ago?

shootingwithguys
and then I become the victim of your death once again as my eyes focus on your face and photos I didn’t know were there or had even been taken as they appeared amongst the papers and folders piled willy-nilly in a box marked recipes!
chrischair

I am undone, the corset tightens, no longer a tool for getting through, it becomes murderous turning upon me, squeezing all breath from my lungs, the pit of my stomach recoils , my heart feels like it is stopping, I shake, my teeth clench and my jaw locks so hard as to send a searing pain through my temples – I try to carry on- to push aside and down the agony that wells up from within but I am no longer in control……. the rawness of your loss , the life you should have had , the weeks, months and now years since you died are for nought, they were not lived- I am back in that damned room watching your life drain from your face……… I am crippled by a smile………
chrisbrowns

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Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, grief, Love, Mothers. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lisa  |  November 3, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Sending you much love this day and every day ♥

  • 2. Michal Michelson  |  November 4, 2013 at 12:32 am

    also sending hugs and love…you are so articulate, and your words resonate so true throughout my whole being

    I feel as if I am in such a fog, and hope never to come out of it. This is just too hard, waking up again in the morning, another day, another week, a whole lifetime of agony left. I don’t want to burden my bereaved mom by pre-deceasing her, but I hope in my heart of hearts that she won’t live so very much longer, and then that I will fall into her grave and expire from the exhaustion of living with such sorrow. My kids have their spouses, and 2 their kids, and they will bear it as I have (losing a parent and sibling), but a child too has been too much for me.

    Life is so cruel.

  • 3. Loraine Ritchey  |  November 4, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    I understand completely Michal I just wish I didn’t…. ….. my heart is with yours Love Loraine

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