April 3rd- Unexpected- Chris Ritchey
Harder week than most – in fact a much harder March- I often wonder if this grief we carry and the containing of such leads to a weakening of the body’s defensive system. I am sure there are studies somewhere, all I know is your father has aged 10 years in the past five. He has suffered with his health and there have been two “touch and go times” in the past couple of years.
I can’t remember the last time I was totally happy ,at ease and laughing out loud is rare. I have managed to medicate myself when I become an emotional puddle – breathing , quickly turning from the trigger and replacing with other thoughts, running to Nikki’s to be with “the boys” . This week, as I said, was particularly hard- two birthdays in two days –
BUT it was the unexpected that undid me , I was beginning to now know the pitfalls, the triggers and can manage them to a point. The unexpected crashed into my life. It was innocent enough, your dad can no longer do the things he used to do. He needed help with the garden this year, his idea of growing everything in pots has left the back yard with an over growth of large pots filled with heavy dirt – he does tend to cover every space. The grape vines and Jerusalem Artichokes fight for supremacy and along with his usual cluttering
” No I can’t throw that away I might need that”
As the snow melted it was obvious to even Shadow –time to get him some help- and for the first time your dad agreed.
I was looking forward to the grand tidy up. I didn’t expect my reaction , as I looked up from the den window, to see a young man not yet 17 , dressed in the uniform of the young- jeans and sweat shirt- as he helped your dad. Oh! he doesn’t look like you but the build similar to you at 17 – it was the movement – quick and assured -the luxury of being young , a smile as your dad said something to him.
AND I broke…….. since I am already fragmented, held together with a temerous thread, it just took that sight to undo all my hard work. Logically I knew what was happening , I knew it wasn’t you or anything like you, you would have been grumbling and irritated, wanting to get the largest dumpster and dump everything .
Seeing your dad once more with a young man in the garden sharing a smile , exchanging conversation – I was undone. I couldn’t stop crying the whole three hours and for most of the days since – . My efforts to get through illnesses , birthdays , holidays came to naught . It is so damned hard but I will breathe deeply and be more prepared for the next time the young man comes into the garden- at least I will know what to expect……… I love you Chris
Entry filed under: Chris Ritchey, death, grief, Love, Mothers. Tags: broken life, Chris Ritchey, Christopher D. Ritchey, christopher ritchey lorain, death, dying young, grief, grief triggers, mothers and sons.