Archive for July, 2016
I have no words to describe the depth of emotions that racked my brain and body, surely I couldn’t survive such an onslaught for very long. Anger at the Lombardis and the rest of that “family” , the selfishness and lack of human kindness did pull me back to the surface in part but only for a few hours at a time .
I searched the internet – for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma ( Refractory) I found other lives and mothers who were suffering and had been suffering the same terror of losing their son or daughter. This whole “gutting” because that is what it feels like- you are gutted, left with just a shell of what you once were – flopping about like some fish on a dock, desperately trying to get back to the place of safety , only to be left drying and dying whilst the sun shines above and the footsteps of life echo as they pass you by – unknowing and unseeing- this had to pass didn’t it?
I would read the blogs of mothers who had been “in” the world of grief- or to some “out “ from the time of death and the place of when they had happiness. I looked desperately to read there would be some respite to this maelstrom of emotions, there would be a hope of “getting over”- moving on “finding the so called meaning to “God’s plan” or the “mysterious ways”, hope – that I too would find some crutch or way to get back into a life before.
What I have found, after these months and years, is a place where past and present combine, where the future is no longer looked at or sought after , just maybe a few days ahead- if at all .
I have survived, continued- desperately seeking some comfort and smiles with your sister and nephews, as those two little boys, shine and thrive in the light of innocence. I try to use the strength they give me to take that energy to be strong for your nana and father. There isn’t any strength left for much else- just the anger that rears up from time to time at humankind’s selfishness,the manipulators, lack of truth and hypocrisy, but it is short-lived not enough to bring me back from the past in my present and to a future .
It is with shock sometimes I have to date a document with the today’s date- like a cold bucket of water it brings me back to the present and the reality of now.
There is very little comfort in the past – because it isn’t of the long past where you had a childhood of laughter, dreams, your teenage years , soccer, college , where some comfort and smiles should be found.
No! for me and I know for others who have watched their child die by hours as days turn into weeks – it is those dying days that are the stronger as we turn over and over in our very soul , what we could have done, the what if – even the acceptance – the guilt of letting your child slip away whilst you watched helplessly and continued to be – Oh! logically you know you did everything you could but the child you carried within your body is still there crying out and there is nothing left but to answer the only way you can! I don’t suppose most of the population would understand but there are a few who will…………