
Another New Year’s Eve, fireworks and M 80′- 100’s will no doubt shake the houses , even the odd gunshot ringing in another year.
Some will celebrate and some will hold each other closer as they remember another New Year’s Eve- one that found their baby boy having to leave them and the love they had for him without a place to land .
They are called back to a time of great pain and the longing for the answer to WHY??? The year is marked by a tiny tree- planted with love
a love that grows with time, the celebration of that little life continues, without hoopla, fireworks just pure love of a child

and today the love continues as it always will…..

Gabriel Miller August 17th- 2009 – December 31 -2009 a child of “heart”
December 31, 2018 at 12:02 am
Although I write about you every 3rd day of every month as a way to release my grief, love of you and so you are not forgotten, December 3rd is looming. The dying days that start at Thanksgiving – the day I sat alone in the waiting room as you were put on the vent. I relive that day and that intensive care waiting room every year dreading I won’t be able to hold myself together amidst all the joy of turkey , pumpkins, pies and laughter.
The circus that ensued that terrible Thanksgiving Day at the Cleveland Clinic thanks to “those others” (Lombardi) who finally came to “wait”, share dry turkey and cold mashed potatoes and discuss recipes whilst you were fighting for your life sickens me still. I could never understand their reactions of party hearty , picnic time- it is a wonder they didn’t bring celebratory wine. Respect and kindness to your family as we tried to deal with the losing of you certainly wasn’t on their menu .

artwork Chris Ritchey
It starts with Thanksgiving , the defense walls are reinforced , more to protect others from the volatile emotions that are churning within me. They deserve and need their happiness, they need not be reminded of dying days. I so wish I was strong, I am not.
These days leading up to the day you died leave me , even after the years of trying to train myself to avoid the trigger moments, weak and bereft of control. I had a relative who used to take to their bed when there were situations they couldn’t handle. There is no respite for me there in amongst the down pillows. I lay awake fighting down the emotional agony of remembrance of those days .Finally exhaustion will bring sleep but the mind continues and all the building of walls to keep my emotions and thoughts in check are breached. Down pillows become wet with tears.
Honestly I don’t know how my heart has kept beating, there are times choking back sobs I can’t breathe. but your beautiful sister and two little boys whose excitement at the season acts as an antidote enabling me once again to bear the unbearable.

Your Chris Miss presents to Gavin and Braedyn will once again be delivered and I will reinforce the walls ….. I love and miss you every day but December 3rd will find the walls tumbled into nothing and I will hide from the world until I can function again.

Artwork Chris Ritchey
“Heartbreak is a heavy burden to carry as a soul weakens” I love you Chris
December 3, 2018 at 12:29 am
Recent Comments