a Cow -elle opinion | That Woman's Weblog

It is probably just as well we cannot remember our birthing process. The turmoil that a wee babe must go through, pushing out of their safe warm world, after lulled before our journey by the sounds of a mother’s heartbeat, struggling through a narrow constricting tunnel as we are squeezed and pushed, with pain, into a bright and cold world, strange noises that must assail our little ears and sense .

Is it any wonder we cry as we breathe our first?

And then there it is, we are laid on a soft warm breast and once again our mother’s heartbeat, reassuring in its lullaby of life, confirms we are safe. Wrapped in softness we are held in the arms of our giver of life. We shared that heartbeat, the DNA that made us who we are was shared for those 9 months and crossed through the placenta, give and take of the process of coming into being. Cells from the mother and the child are shared between and remain in a mother’s body. The process is called

Fetal-maternal microchimerism

The placenta generally serves as a bridge between the fetus and the mother for exchange of nutrients and wastes. But that is not all that crosses this bridge—fetal and maternal cells can cross between the two organisms intact. While maternal cells do end up in the fetus, significantly more fetal cells are transferred to the mother. The result is that the mother carries a small number of foreign cells belonging to her fetus within her body—hence the name “microchimerism.” While these non-maternal cells are few in number in comparison to total number of maternal cells, evidence suggests that these transplanted cells can actually remain for long after the end of gestation. In fact, derivative fetal cells have been found in the mother’s body up to 27 years ( if not more) after pregnancy.

Fetal Microchimerism

It is a fact….

If you are of the religious persuasion “the essence” that makes me, ME and you-YOU and not just a clone being – sometimes referred to as the “soul” in those religious doctrines .

I have listed just three religious beliefs about the “ensoulment of the child” , there are many more but like all things in religion there doesn’t seem to any across the board agreement :

The soul enters the fetus at 120 days (4 months), as established by the Hadith. ( Radd al-Muhtar ala Durr al-Mukhtar 1/202) Thus, when the age of the unborn child reaches 120 days (4 months), it no longer remains a lifeless object; rather, it is a living human being.

eshaykh.com/quran-tafsir/when-does-ruh-enter-fetus

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/when-babies-get-their-souls

Aquinas was correct that the unborn receive their souls at conception; he was merely mistaken on when conception was finished, due to the science available. As modern medicine has shown, conception in humans occurs almost instantaneously, as soon as the sperm and the ovum unite. This may occur as soon as twenty minutes after the marital act.

And those of the Jewish Faith have their own beliefs:

Most often in Jewish sacred literature, a fetus in the womb is considered a human life “under construction.” The soul is usually described as arriving when the first breath of life is taken at birth. The primary Jewish imagery for the beginning of life comes from Genesis 1:2, where breath hovers above the waters of earth before life emerges from that cosmic womb. Then, in Genesis 2:7, after the body of Adam is fashioned from the clay of the earth, G*d is described as breathing life into him. These stories frame the basis for the Jewish view that the fetus gains full human rights and status only once the baby’s head has emerged from the birth canal [Ohalot 7:6].

There is one Talmudic passage in which a Greek philosopher presses a rabbi on this issue until–probably for the sake of peace with the Greek occupiers of the Land of Israel–the rabbi accedes to the prevailing view in Greek culture that the soul is present from conception. This concession did not, however, change the Jewish perspective that the activation of the fetus’s status as a human with full human rights still occurs upon birth……..

.http://www.reclaimingjudaism.org/teachings/when-does-life-begin-jewish-view

Essence – Chris Ritchey

Since my journey through “hell on earth” began I haven’t any faith in “organized religion” – as such . I prefer what I feel to be true and science. However, maybe a baby shares his/hers mother’s ( essence) soul until the DNA or whatever changes him her from a cluster of exploding cells to our daughter or son.

I don’t have any answers, just questions, and I am not saying “anyone’s’ beliefs are wrong”. I just know, like other mothers before me, there is, for want of a better word, an intuition we carry and a knowing .

For instance my daughter, who was told she wouldn’t have children (which was devastating to her and her husband) I KNEW she was pregnant . I told Chris who became so angry at me:

“Mum. don’t you dare say anything to Nikki you know how rotten she feels about not being able to have kids”

So I said nothing until two smiling and bright faces appeared in my living room weeks later..

“We are pregnant”.

I specifically said:

“Let me tell Chris. “

I called Chris and said ” I told you so ……. Nikki is having a baby”

How did I know my daughter was pregnant weeks before she knew herself? I told my mother and Chris who both chastised me because a few months before the “specialists” had told her she would never have children.

You couldn’t know that, how did you know?

I don’t know Chris I just knew ..

Maybe it was that Fetal-maternal microchimerism .

However, as I gloated that I was right …. that horrible thought I had when I looked into Chris eyes at two days old also came to the fore – Chris was part way through his Stem Cell Transplants at the time. .

Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking

” He has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”

and then dismiss it with
“Why ever did I say that”

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/when-premonition-becomes-hindsight-part-two/

I also knew and told a doctor Nikki was pregnant with her 2nd child … he laughed at me and I said trust me on this and she was!

There are many other happenings which I will expand upon in the forthcoming “alpha” chapters. But for now I struggle to make sense of anything.

I will tell you, as I watched the blood slowly drain from my son’s face , watching his heart stop – I died too. At least the woman and person I was before that instant of death. It was also the death of “hope”

I am never going to be the same , he was gone but part of him still lived emotionally and physically within my heart and “essence”. We continued to share, even though his poor cancer ridden body was just a shell. No more laughter, anger, intelligence , love, happiness, sadness , strength or essence was left to us that was Chris.

darkness of grief Kathe Kollwitz

In that moment of death, there was another birthing – a birthing of grief.

A birthing of another person- that took over from what I used to be. And after all the months and years it hasn’t “changed or become better. The Loraine that I was is lost somewhere, but no longer here. There isn’t a word for a mother who loses her child . There isn’t any tidy little “word box” to describe us . I believe because we are indescribable .

My memories, after he passed that afternoon are pixels, fragments, broken flashes of memory , a brain that was no longer functioning properly.

There was a wheelchair, there was the hotel room, a phone ringing . Lombardis talking to Nikki .

Chris had been dead less than an hour and yet they had already made the appointment for the Funeral Home for 10 am the next morning to discuss arrangements.

Decisions in that hotel room were being made as to who would drive my car. Who would take the bags, wheel me down to the elevator, our little family was reeling , going rom one thing to another, not functioning but the Lombardis were on top of their control game.

I rode home with Nikki I don’t know where anyone else was, Jim, Gavin ( the baby ), my husband, had someone told my mum?

I have no memory I only know I wanted to call my oldest friend , Mike, in Chicago .I needed to hear an English voice for some reason , one who had shared my childhood and happiness of those days.

I walked, well fell, in the front door into my home that evening and dissolved………

To be continued…..

August 3, 2022 at 12:44 am 3 comments

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

A losing of function

Note: I have been dreading this chapter all month. I have put it off, shoved the memories back into their dwelling place. As my self- imposed deadline of the 3rd of the month loomed, I ran emotionally from remembering. My conscious thought telling me

“don’t go there ” , you can’t go back to that time, your well being is at stake. You survived that day because it was so surreal and you were protected by “unbelievability” as to what was actually happening. You were tired, emotionally exhausted things happening were cushioned with incredibility , the -this is not happening syndrome.

Days passed and the closer the 3rd of June came the more I ran from this writing. I couldn’t bring myself to do this , but the nights were different perspective altogether, I lay awake for hours, although exhausted , I would watch the moon in its phases lighting the bedroom causing the tree to outside cast its dancing shadows on the wall.

Everything in me has fought this moment, but here it is June the 2nd, 2022 and I am remembering the most painful day of my life and “my death” as well. You see, and I know those of you that have lost a son or daughter know the very moment that happens , you lose who you are too. You are not the same and you never will be ………

For days I sat by your side , those last three days being in the new Medical ICU unit were dreadful. Not only did the nurses and doctors not know who I was, and I was too tired to explain, I was falling apart emotionally and physically. Weeks of wearing the paper medical masks ( since they insisted you had H1N1), because that is what Angela had told them in ER and of course why question the “doctor in waiting”.

The mask, the dryness of the room and the stress had caused the skin under my nose to blister and scab. I, apparently, was somewhat allergic to those particular masks. One lovely nurse gave me ointment to help. There was no ointment for my swollen, to nearly three time their regular size, my legs. In this unit , there was not comfortable arm chair. This unit obviously did not want visitors so the only chair was a metal folding chair. Sitting on the cold hard metal , not moving holding his hand, only getting up to put a cool facecloth on his burning brow. I was reminded every time I did so by the marks left on your scalp as they had pulled off the brain wave electrodes, the skin was sore and red and the hair gone and slight bleeding. Someone obviously had no thought for my son as they pulled those off, but he was dying anyway! I noticed a lot of that sort of attitude in that unit, so different from the previous ICU.

Photo source http://www.neurowavesystems.com/

And so it was the night of December 2nd. I had gone , as usual walked to the unit with my husband about 10 pm. The Lombardi clan hovering in the corridors talking tacos. I had no wish to see.

Nikki was exhausted , having to breastfeed the baby and dealing with everything. Jim had brought the baby up to the hotel. Nikki hadn’t any pajamas and had purchased a pair at the gift shop. Unlike my lime green creation I had purchased, the one pair she had to buy was two piece pink, chocolate and white striped . I remember thinking they reminded me of Neapolitan ice cream.

I was surprised , as we headed to the unit to see two of Chris’ high school friends. What were they doing there????? , Apparently, Angela had been sending out texts

“if they wanted to see Chris before he died they should come”

I cannot honestly remember what I said to them , but I don’t think I was very pleasant. However, it explained why Chris’ nurse was flustered as we walked into our son’s room

“You know there are visiting hours we can’t have all you people coming in and out all night long”

I explained who I was and why I would be sitting there all night , at least until rounds in the morning. If they needed me to move I would but I would not be leaving my son. She explained that during her shift people had been in and out. I told her :

she would have to take that up with his wife because I certainly was against anyone coming into see him in this condition. He would have hated it.

My husband went back to the hotel room . I continued to sit in that glass bubble of a world, a young woman ( presumably a Doctor) would look through the glass at the monitors. I hoped Chris could hear me I hummed the lullabies of his childhood, talked softly as to how much we loved him, that Nikki and Jim were there., anything to try to give him comfort, trapped as he was, encased in machines.

My inner thoughts , I did not say outloud , I spoke them silently

” Please Chris you have to turn a corner soon , I just don’t know how much longer I can hold up, please Chris

Nurse Nicole , it was her first week in that particular ICU came in to say they would be bathing him and I could stay and help if I wished. I told her

No! he would hate me to be there for that and I would go and get something to drink and come back.

After a while I went back into the ICU , I asked whether they had been continuing the eye drops as his eyes were partially open and I had been told it could cause issues if they weren’t moisturized regulary after he came off the vent.

She went away to get an OK and came back, I said did she notice the urine bag had blood in it. No! that wasn’t like that before, I will check let me put the drops in. It was 3 am and she looked at me and said

“his pupils are fixed and dilated “

Fixed and moderately dilated pupils are seen in brain death because of the loss of both sympathetic and parasympathetic influences.

She then left to call for the head of the unit. All hell broke loose as a male Doctor , whomever he was , and the nurses as they came to our room, the man in the next room decided to have an episode and apparently passed. I waited and then the nurse said the Doctor had ordered a scan. I called Angela and told her what the nurse had said and waited.

It was 5 am by this time , Angela appeared at the desk with the Doctor, who had glanced into the room at that stats at least twice during the night . She and Angela chatted as if I didn’t exist .

Angela asked what was the prognosis?

OH ! this is the first night he had held his own

– Angela

Cool Beans! we now have to feed my boy

Dr. We have to do something about a bowel movement first

As I stood there like some peripheral groupie I mentioned the scan and that

“the ICU nurse was very concerned as his pupils were fixed and dilated and had called the Neurologist for a scan”

The Elephant Run-by Chris Ritchey

Two faces and pairs of eyes ” in the know medical (Drs.?) turned and looked at me like I was some sort of “ignorant irritant”

That young woman. presumably a Doctor, – I don’t remember her name just her face- I had seen it through the early morning hours looking at the monitors through the glass – never once coming into the room – said:
”

Oh I am not worried he is on a boat load of medication

Giggles from the “Dr. to be Ritchey ( Angela)

Oh! he is on enough medication to fill up an elephant heehehehehee!

I had such a bad feeling but I had to sleep, I left them chatting and went back to the room . I went to the chaise lounge by the window where I could see his room across the way. I fell instantly into a desperate sleep only to be woken by Nikki-

Mum you have to go back

– I said

Nikki I can’t- I can’t even stand

and she said

Mum, you have to something is wrong- I will come down as soon as Jim gets here to take Gavin

I rushed through the hallways- to this day I have no idea what clothes I had on…. I found my son’s room empty of the usual “clan”– no one was with him I went in- a new nurse said

You are wanted in the conference room for a family meeting

-I said

my husband is there I am not leaving my son alone I promised him-

Nurse

YOU HAVE TO GO!

I looked at this officious nurse and said

“I DON’T “HAVE” TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING I AM NOT LEAVING MY SON ALONE!

It was then Nikki arrived – still in the Neapolitan pajamas purchased from the hospital gift shop- like some bizarre clown outfit. I remember thinking Chris would find it funny.

She said:

Mum you go I will stay with Chris I promise

The meeting that day was about taking Chris off the vent they the hospital and they needed me there as they

“didn’t want any trouble”

They needed my permission as well as his wifes- I had the night before made sure that the staff were now aware that Nikki and I were also on his paperwork.

The Doctor, who chatted about bowel movement and holding his own just 2 hours previously was now saying his brainstem ( after looking at the scans) had collapsed and he was effectively brain dead.

Brainstem death is a clinical syndrome defined by the absence of reflexes with pathways through the brainstem – the “stalk” of the brain, which connects the spinal cord to the mid-brain, cerebellum and cerebral hemispheres – in a deeply comatose, ventilator-dependent patient. Identification of this state carries a very grave prognosis for survival; cessation of heartbeat often occurs within a few days, although it may continue for weeks if intensive support is maintained.

The Dr. explained what would happen and our options and what each option would mean when they did this-one option being surgery to release the pressure on the brain. What ever they did they were going to have to wait until one of the medications which paralyzed him wore off so it would be a little while.

NOTE: I cannot write anymore as the dying time took all day and horrors of heartbreak and ignorance continued to pummel me and my family. There was no kindness in this dying … I will have to continue on the next 3rd

to be continued……..

June 3, 2022 at 11:17 am 3 comments

May 3rd – NO LIMITS-Chapter 28- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

THE DYING TIME

NOTE: You would think , after all these years, I would have built up some immunity to the rawness emotions of what happened in those last few hours and days .

You would be wrong it is yesterday in my world. I find, as I writing, I am sucking in breaths, gasping for air, eyes fill with tears and my heart races. I can only brave the act of reliving in short stages. I have to stop, walk away and come back for a few minutes.

I don’t know how to write these memories of those hours. Will I even be able to put my pain on a page, relieve it in entirety or become clinical and write just the medical journey with the inclusion of the Lombardi’s contribution to my end of days as a mother of my son?

I suppose I will find out along with the reader.

https://www.healthcareitnews.com/

As he was moved to the new Medical ICU room with new staff and strangers, I shivered the room was the corner room looking out toward the hotel where I had been staying. I could see his room from my hotel room, the light softly glowing in the early morning morning hours. I had called my daughter and son-in law. My husband went to meet them in the lobby to show Nikki where to come whilst Jim took Baby Gavin to the room to wait.

I must have looked very strange as I waited ,away from the “Clan of Lombardis” by myself in the waiting room, as a young man in scrubs came up to me put his arm around me and started explaining something about

“blood gases elevated C02 levels ” .. hypercapnia… How Chris gases were compromised by the move. “

I had absolutely not a clue as to what he was saying , It was though I was deaf and trying to read his lips.

Who was he? What was he doing in my world ?

At that moment my daughter burst into the waiting room ran toward me , as she did so she apparently overheard the one sided conversation and as I said I must have looked dreadful.

The next thing she “melted “on the floor, collapsing to her knees, just folded up at she reached out to me and I reached forward to her. The young man caught us both somehow and said :

“please, it is alright no-one ever died from Co2 levels, we will get the levels corrected. I will take care of him!

The rest is a blur, since no-one in the family could stay in Chris room that night, and I was panicked

“How was I going to get him through that 3 in morning time slot , I so dreaded.

The flawed Hand of the Healer by Chris Ritchey

We went back to the hotel room to wait. There was a chaise lounge , I laid on it looking out across the way to Chris room and pulsating light as , I assume, people would come and go doing what they were supposed to do, injecting him with insulin, Heparin and too many drugs I couldn’t pronounce.

Nikki took the baby and laid on the bed, Jim grabbed a pillow and blanket and slept fitfully on the floor. Actually I have not a clue where my husband slept or even if he did, I am presume in one of the arm chairs.

I waited until morning, I had decided

this was enough no more were the Lombardis and their clan going to make the decisions, I was done with them and his bride.

I showered , got dressed and for the first time put on some make-up. My husband had already beaten me to it and had checked on Chris and called from the the floor to tell me

Chris stats had improved.

I went to the unit, didn’t check in with the reception station to get permission , no-one was going to stop me that morning!

I knew Angela would be in there for the Doctors rounds and that morning I was going to be part of the discussion. Unfortunately , Angela and the Doctors were already meeting behind the “glass wall”. I saw a familiar face, it was Dr. R.A of the Thanksgiving Day ” dying discussion”. She recognized me too, asked how I was.

I said:

a little better as I had been told Chris’ levels and stats were improving

Dr. R. A looked annoyed

WHO told you that? It is definitely NOT what is happening his organs are shutting down , he has had a series of “episodes” and it isn’t good , as I told you last week”

Why haven’t I been told? Why has this been kept from his family?

We tell his wife everything ( Dr. Ritchey) she has been given the complete information, it is up to her to inform the rest of you

And at that statement what was left of me, the person I always was came to the fore. I felt a strength in my voice I hadn’t had for weeks

” Well obviously there has been some sort of breakdown in the information given to us or apparently NOT given to us by his wife and her family.

You, and the hospital and this unit had better check my son’s paperwork because it is written and signed by him ( of which I have a copy at home.) that his sister and I are named in his Living Will , signed at South Pointe Hospital and we both are on that form ( notarized) as to any medical decisions and information is to be given to us directly!

Oh, she said, I will make sure the staff and unit are informed

With that she walked away and I still shaking with fear for my son and with anger left the unit to tell MY family .

Later on , after I had gathered myself together , I went back down to the unit , again by passing the harridan at the reception desk and

there it was my nightmare of 13 months previously ……playing out in front of me…. MY PREMONITION come to pass!!!!

E. Munch- 1895

No LIMITS – Chapter 4- Chris Ritchey

I awoke in the early morning hours of that first night after chemo, shaking, gasping for breath. I had a dream; it was so real.

I was in a room, in the middle of the room was an open casket in which lay my son and around this casket was Angela, her mother and father and strange people . I was drenched in sweat and tears, the realization it was a nightmare slowly came to the front of my mind.

It wasn’t a casket it was a hospital bed , but the way they had him laid out it might as well have been .

I still to this day don’t know who they all were- strangers to me ! And that was something that would have caused my son such anguish- after all he could no longer speak , they would never have dared to put him in that situation had he been able to communicate.

Angela and her mother sat holding court and allowed and embraced 8-9 people to hold a dying time…. ” death clutterers to ogle and text on their phones around his dying body” .

It was to me , it was disgraceful behavior and totally lacking respect and love on Angela’s part. I never wanted to see their faces ever again! I was sickened at the sight. I went to the foot of his bed and slowly pulled a sheet up over his lower limbs, covering the bags and bodily fluids draining from him.

Chris would have hated what was happening, being on show. He thought thought the graveside antics of the “Lombardi , Vyka , Gonzales, Gott or Zaworski at a young nephews graveside on that previous Christmas morning was despicable and told Angela at the time, when she came to pick him up for the “event”

“That is sick, no I am not going , I won’t be involved in that ! What are you thinking?”

I can only imagine what he would have thought of what I was seeing as he lay unable to throw them out, because he would have.

I hoped the induced coma meant he knew nothing of it. I wanted to grab them by the neck and throw them out on their ear myself. But I couldn’t for the sake of my son.

My face once again must have communicated what my thoughts were for Angela rose from her seat and said to the tribe

” I think we had better go………

to be continued

May 3, 2022 at 10:31 am 3 comments

October 3rd- No LIMITS-Chapter 21-Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Houston and Lorain.

The expenses were piling up. Not the hospitals bills you understand, No, everything was being covered medically for Chris thanks to the 100 percent coverage his then “resident” wife received from the Cleveland Clinic. That, in itself, was truly amazing and because their Oncologist did not enter him in the SGN 35 trial they had at the Cleveland Clinic ,as it had closed on the Friday, before he went to his doctor’s appointment on the Monday. The Clinics insurance also paid for the trial of SGN35 in Houston at M.D. Anderson.

Of course we still had to pay for the living expenses, the flights etc. Chris wanted to use their savings. People had been extremely generous when he and Angela got married in the previous June. Chris was not happy with the fact his family were paying for the Houston expenses and flights and rental car etc. He felt he should be able to cover those expenses .

Our wonderful neighbor of many years “Rich” suggested he would like to put on a fundraiser for Chris , who was almost like a 3rd son and member of his family. Chris, was at first very hesitant , one reason being he was private when it came to his illness but he also was aware his mum and dad weren’t wealthy . Chris reluctantly acquiesed in the end.

I told Rich to contact the Lombardis , as at one point ,they had also made mention a fund raiser (in the very begining) but Chris had refused as all the medical bills were being paid for under the no deductible insurance of the Cleveland Clinic. Chris’s godparents, his sister and my friends and other neighbors also wanted to help and so I left it in my neighbor’s capable hands, or so I thought.

It wasn’t until weeks after that I was told Rich, Chris’ godparents in fact everyone but Nikki were told they didn’t need any help and that Sue and Tim Lombardi and the sisters of Sue would be handling through Tim’s bank First Federal. So those that offered help in baking, food, clean up and organizing were told NO THANKS., they weren’t needed the Lombardi Clan would be doing this !

Well now of course I know the reasons. “Control” a trait that Sue Lombardi definitely has in her resume in my opinion borne out later on in the saga of the dollar signs.

Not knowing of the Lombardis decisions to keep out of the fundraiser anyone from Chris’ side I wrote blog posts and advertised as much as I could for the sake of this young couple. Chris designed the Logo in Texas

“The Committee for Chris- aka Chris’ Crew would very much like a head count by this weekend so please if you haven’t got the tickets yet and plan to come please contact Nikki at 440-282-3195

FUNDRAISER FOR CHRIS
When – Sunday – OCTOBER 25TH -1:00 -5:00

Where- Rosewood Place- 4493 Oberlin Avenue- Lorain Ohio 44053

What – Spaghetti Dinner- Silent Auction – 50/50 raffle – Browns Game ( on a big screen TV)

How Much – $15.00 – kinds under 5 eat free.

Tickets and or reservations – please call Nikki -440-282-3195

The Crew tells me there are literally dozens of gift baskets containing something for everyone – from tools, firepits, Cavs games, Browns games and everything to go with them- professional teeth whitening – Celtic goodies- romantic weekends – ( beach condo steps from the water at Catawba )- and hotel rooms- food and drink and a flat screen TV is also in the baskets- So please call is you haven’t already got your tickets- Loraine”

IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THEN WHAT I FINALLY WAS MADE AWARE OF , I WOULD HAVE STOPPED THE WHOLE ROTTEN MESS.

But I didn’t know and being in Houston I was relying on emails and half truths being told. When I questioned Tim Lombardi as to why Rich wasn’t involved in the accounting of the fundraiser as “

Hi Tim,

I hear the sales are going really well that IS good news ( and we need good news) . I did ask Angela over the weekend about the account at First Federal but she said that you were handling everything. I have a couple of questions, as you know I have run Charleston Villages non profit 501C3 for twenty years so I was a little confused……….On a personal note after the numbers and figures are all in if I could have a list of those that donated straight to the account I would very appreciative as Chris’ Dad and I want to send our personal thank you to those individuals .

he replied “

”

Angela , Sue and Tim Lombardi

Hi Loraine,Mon, Oct 19, 2009 at 3:49 PM

Hope all is well with you and Chris in the Lone Star State. Angela may have misunderstood what we did. The account opened at First Federal is a non-interest bearing account as we didn’t want to report any type of interest…….We have tried to keep track of donations and will certainly provide you with the list we have. What do you think about running a thank you ad in the paper? The generosity of the donors has been over whelming” Tim

I didn’t need to take out an ad . Tom Skoch editor of the Morning Journal ( lorain) ran an item as did The Chronicle ( Elyria) and blogs. People came through from the Highland Dance Community from all over the world with basket items, money, Nikki rallied her friends and Jims friends and realtives all donated . Since I was in Houston Nikki took everything to the bank and deposited in that damned account. In hindsight I feel sick even to this day. Nikki dropped off baskets and took flyers all around her neighborhood. Tim Lombardi was right the response was overwhelming .

People of all walks of life , professions and places apparently came to the event.

Chris and I waited to hear from Nikki and family as to how things were going. Nikki called me she was upset , apparently Sue Lombardi was telling anyone that would listen the Chris was staying in a terrible place , crime ridden . I was furious and frankly hurt , I had done my damndest to get Chris and Angela , who I naively thought would want to be with her husband as much as she could be. I was wrong about that too.

Chris came into the living room in Houston he asked what was wrong and I burst into tears something I rarely did but the emotiona and exhaustion won out.I blubed and blubbered saying I was sorry … the apartment was the best I could find.. and

I was sorry it was not what Angela wanted…

What are you talking about ? said Chris

Finally I was able to tell him what was being said….. he called his sister and told her ”

“don’t tell mum anything that the Lombardis say about anything it has upset her and remember [Angela’s sister], Allie didn’t call her mother “Psycho Sue ” for no reason. “

Later on that evening Chris came out of the bedroom after talking to Angela to tell me the fundraiser had made $8,000.00 on the baskets alone and $36,000.00 in donations etc. not counting the money that had already been deposited by Nikki etc to the account in the bank.

I learned later from the very mouth of Sue Lombardi she opened a “safe deposit box ” in her bank in Angela’s and her name for the cash from that night. I questioned them as to a list of donors and what they donated so I could write thank you notes

Sue said

Oh well we aren’t sure

I said

well you must have deposit slips..and ticket sales. There was over thirty thousand from the fundraiser alone

Where did you hear that ?

It was then I said:

Angela told Chris and I know other checks were put into the accouint at First Federal , I have that list from Nikki.

And that is when Sue Lombardi told me directly she had opened a safety deposit box in Angela’s name for that cash……..

( So much for keeping track. ) and there is more to come.

Pillars of their Church but money apparently can cause even pillars to fall for the 7th deadly sin of AVARICE!!!!!!

Avarice the 7th deadly sin

to be continued :

October 3, 2021 at 12:39 pm 5 comments

NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13

ED NOTE: These next chapters are among the most difficult to write. I have to “emotionally” pace myself so I can get through the memories both mentally and physically. . Those who have lost a son or daughter know that for the rest of your life you are locked into the “time of loss”. The days, week, months and years go by but you are held within the grasp of those last moments and times of your child’s leaving. You see, the part of you that was theirs dies too, you are not the same person you were and you never will be again. Your body adjusts, the brain tells you don’t go there, you learn to dodge the known triggers , the brain tries to protect, to stop the gutting grief from destroying what is left of you . Your mind goes into “protect mode” however, when revisiting those times intentionally in order to tell the story you are a raw and and the wounds open as the days of death once again are relived..

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights

I watched as Chris and Angela went through “security” at the Cleveland Airport. I hoped he would be able to get on the plane. H1NI ( swine flu) had reared its head and the airlines were on the lookout for anyone displaying symptoms . Since the Hodgkin’s tumors were making their presence known once more in his body he developed a cough as the lungs tried to expel the foreign body.

“Try not to cough Chris , that would be all we needed to be banned from the flight”

It had been a whirlwind of action since the phone call that morning and now I stood in the lobby of the airport drained, hopeful once again and yet wondering WHY?

Why was life being so cruel?

I had booked Angela and Chris into the Marriot Hotel near MD Anderson Cancer Center for three nights. I wasn’t sure how long the tests and interviews would take . I got a phone call from Chris that night to say they had arrived and were having room service ( was that OK? ) I told him:

I didn’t care they had my credit card information whatever makes life easier for you darling

We aren’t wealthy but I would have sold my soul for him and I would worry about the debts later.

The next day I did not leave the phone, finally Angela rang to say that although MD Anderson had also closed the trials for SGN 35 they were going to make a place for Chris on that trial as he fit the profile and he was going through a barrage of tests.

Cancer Clinical Trials | MD Anderson Cancer Center

Relief flooded back filling the void of fear once again. Then more good news, trials aren’t typically paid for by Health Insurance , again I would have sold my house if need be, but Angela being an employee of the Cleveland Clinic insurance did cover the trial even though Chris was not at their facility because he had been denied a place in the Cleveland Clinic Trial. I truly felt things may be falling our way.

After the tests they concurred Chris was right for the trial. By now we were at the start of the Labor Day weekend . Chris was set for more tests the following week and all being well the first infusion of SGN 35 on September 11th. I had contacted the family services people at MD Anderson to see about long term lodging. The hotel would be far to expensive over $230 per night at that time. I needed to get them somewhere comfortable and close.

The offices emailed me a list of about 50 hotels and apartments all of varying quality and prices. I had no clue about where anything was in relationship to the Cancer Center , nor did I know anything at all about Houston. I gave a short list to Angela to see if she could find out any more information.

Chris called that evening , the tests went well and acquaintances of both the Lombardi’s and actually of mine had interceded by phoning friends with whom they had been college roommates who lived in Houston. JD and Karen , these people were wonderful they took Chris and Angela under their protective wing and invited them to their ranch for the long weekend. I was thrilled , some normalcy for once. Chris was so happy I could have cried.

I found out that MD Anderson was huge bringing in patients from all over the world and the places available for short stay/ long stay accommodation were few and far between. I reserved a couple and asked Angela to check up on them for suitability . I lost two because “they were going to look after the weekend”

I couldn’t seem to make Angela understand this was probably NOT going to be an option. I received a call from the one Houston Apartment Corporate Housing. I had reserved a one bedroom apartment but they had someone else wanting it so I took it sight unseen. It was the Esplanade.

Angela was not very happy I had done that but I said

“you have to have somewhere to stay and Chris needs to be where he can rest. I have taken care of all the finances, all you have to do is bring your cases and get some food shopping “

It had been decided that Angela would stay until the night before his first infusion on the 11th but she would return to Cleveland on the 10th. I didn’t know what to say , I realized Angela would need to come back to sort out work and necessary details but I thought she would take time off to be be with Chris. After all this was a “trial” he was weaker than ever with the cancer coursing through his body, surely she didn’t intend for him to stay there by himself.

Angela said:“He will be fine…. there is a kitchen and he can order in pizza and JD and Karen had lent him a truck……he has to take ownership of his illness”

I was incredulous, like it or not my son was facing death and an unknown treatment. Nikki said upon hearing this :

“mum you have to go and be with Chris, he can’t handle doing this on his own” ” Who will see to it that he eats, that he is OK , you know how hard it was on him with the chemo….call an ambulance….”

I could see Nikki was also so worried so I left for Houston on September 12th, as Chris refused to let me fly on September 11th. I told him I would find my own way from the airport as he needed to rest after the infusion of the day before.

The night before I left Sue Lombardi and Tim arrived at my front door with a suitcase of clothes and essentials that Chris had asked Angela to get to me as he went to Houston with just a small bag .

Chris’s dog, Misty, was a loopy friendly bundle of happy, she loved everyone, we always joked if an intruder came to the house she would lick them to death

So I was shocked when Sue walked into the living room and Misty went mental, growling, teeth barred and barking definitely in a protective mode. Neither my husband or I had ever seen her demonstrate such behavior , she would not stop and it was very embarrassing. Finally realizing this was not stopping, my husband put her outside where she continued to bark as if the devils from hell were threatening us.

Looking back it may be because underneath all the smiles and nicety, nicety syrupy talk Sue was giving off vibes the dog could understand and saw her as a threat . I don’t know but Misty never behaved that way before or since or maybe she knew the true character of the woman who would cause us so much pain

To be continued……

February 3, 2021 at 1:12 pm 3 comments

NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

THE HOPING TIME- CHAPTER 11

I was never one for organized religion. My brain always questioning as to the logic of faith. The stories written by men with agendas put in the form of a bible, or a book, tablets, writings, of whatever faith was in vogue, translations based on the politics of the day. But I prayed to an all-powerful, all knowing being commonly known in my society as God! I prayed every waking minute silently, and every night alone I prayed out loud. Please God take me not him, let him have his life and happiness. I did the deals parents do when they believe someone magical being can overturn a fate. I would have sacrificed myself on any alter “He” deemed needed to save my son.

Almost every church in Lorain had him on their prayer chain. Churches both Catholic and Protestant in England, Scotland, New Zealand Australia and Canada reached out to the heavens in my son’s name. Synagogues, Buddhists and Native Americans joined in with their prayers . I was sent so many little bottles of Holy Water from Lourdes, from pilgrimages made on behalf of Chris that I could have opened a market stall.

The thoughts kept going through my head.

“If there is a God as most seem to believe and he has no use for me and no reason to answer my prayers surely He can’t ignore the hundreds of people who are praying for Chris, and especially his wife and family a pillar of the Catholic Church. What about their prayers does my lack of faith tip the scale against hundreds of believers?

What about Chris what did he ever do in his young life to deserve this ? His sister what had she ever done, his father his Nana? The believers told me God has a plan? Well I don’t like his plan when the drug dealer who has raped and caused hell to his parents is walking around procreating and causing such turmoil why not him I asked why Chris? I did not get an answer and ten years on nothing has changed for the drug dealer except his vehicles.

June turned into July , I watched as my son started to look better from his chemical death. He grew stronger and I started to breathe a little better. Late July found him going on a 4 wheeler trip with the guys.

Normalcy and fun , so I thought. Dr. Pohlman had told him in June he wasn’t going to have to see him until November and he had no restrictions as such, just to stay away from people who may be ill etc. When Chris came back from that trip he was obviously tired but there was something else going on . I prayed it wasn’t the cancer coming back again.

Chris opened up to Nikki that he thought the lump was coming back on his neck a compromised lymph node . My understanding is the cancer cells in the blood are larger than normal cells and so can’t get through and block the system causing the lumps ( tumors) . That of course is the very simplest of explanations , there is so much more .

Chris finally having shared his fears with Nikki and they called the staff member in Pohlman’s office he had been given as a contact. They basically said to keep an eye on it and he had an appointment moved up until August.

The Doctors decided to do a biopsy on August 21st , Chris’ birthday. I will never be able to think of his birthday in the same way again.

I drove to the downtown Cleveland Clinic wanting to throw up all the way. I was so scared I couldn’t even think straight. Chris and Angela were already there. Nikki having fed the baby,( she was breast feeding) was on her way. We sat in silence in the waiting room , Chris, Angela and I , I had no words. Nikki arrived looked at her brother and said “Birthday” he smiled . He was taken back to pre-op Nikki and Angela went with him . I sat along in a corridor trying not to fall apart, everything within me was screaming.

Chris was taken down and we went to the waiting room only to find Angela’s support team. One of them her grandmother , they wanted to get something to eat so I duly followed on. The grandmother who was nice enough in her way but in my opinion sadly lacking in forethought said:

“What a shame, on his birthday too. Oh isn’t it your birthday in a couple of days, are you having a party to celebrate”

and on she “clacked”. I thought has this woman any idea of what Nikki and I are going through. I sat quietly through the “meal”, whilst they ate and rattled on about this and that, we then went back to the waiting room.

The big board with all the operations and who was in surgery and who was in recovery kept changing. The grandmother true to form had not finished. Nikki had left me to go and express her milk. As I sat there visualizing what was happening to my son Grandmother pipes up:

Let’s have a contest , everyone pick a time as to when Chris goes to recovery, how much longer do you think it will be. Angela you are the Dr. so you start.

and they did . I was by this time bringing up bile in my mouth, I could no longer sit there , was not one of Angela’s support team going to shut this stupid woman up. Did they not see how inappropriate this was and how painful?

I got up and left and went outside crying. Nikki found me as they had no idea where I had gone. Chris had come through the surgery and was in recovery. The surgeon came out and said it went well and they were sending the sample for tests. Angela left to share the news. Nikki looked at the surgeon and said:

is the cancer back?

He was very nice and said

we have to wait for the results.

Nikki looked at him and said :

You have done hundreds of these and you can tell, I know , is the cancer back

He looked at her and just nodded.

Mum, you can’t go back into the recovery room . Chris will take one look at you and know . You have to leave.

and so I did . I don’t remember driving home . I was numb , perplexed desperate.

Chris missed my birthday but came two days after with my “candles” he always bought me candles since he was a little boy.

April 3rd- The Candle Connection- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

As soon as Chris was old enough and earning money, he would buy me special candles – the trouble was they were always artistic and expensive and I couldn’t bring myself to light them. After one more such gift of candles I couldn’t bear to burn , I told you:

“Chris, these are far too nice to burn – just buy me ones I can feel OK with lighting” .

The next birthday came the “Daisy Candles” and once again I didn’t have the heart to burn them I supposed you had forgotten the request .

I noticed the cellophane around the “Daisy Candles” was definitely yellowing and becoming brittle. My thought was to bring them into the living room where my mum, who loves daisies might get some cheer from them as a symbol of “spring will eventually arrive and with it daisies”

I brought the candles downstairs , took off the wrapper and then saw the instructions-

I realized as I read those words you had listened to me– because the candles were special- the wick would burn for 29-30 hours and when it was done the outside of the candle would still be intact and I could insert tea light candle that would illuminate the outer shell.

the thought struck me the candle was yet another symbol- how your life burned with beauty and strength for as many years as those candles had hours (29) and what was left was a mere glimmer of memories that would only burn as long as I lighted the “memory of you” . The “tea light” of the 3rd of every month where once again your life is lived!

The candles , the last he bought me, are still waiting to give a light that has been lost to us.

To be continued………

December 3, 2020 at 3:48 pm 2 comments

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Double Cell Transplant:

We went to see Dr. Brad Pohlman who had been involved through South Pointe with Chris’ initial treatment.

:Brad Pohlman, MD, is Vice Chair of Operations at Cleveland Clinic Taussig Cancer Institute. Dr. Pohlman is a member of the American Society of Hematology, American Society of Clinical Oncology, and American Society for Blood and Marrow Transplantation.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sngT_dShxsw

So much for the 95% cure rate re Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Chris was now diagnosed with Refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma , the cancer came back very quickly https://www.webmd.com/cancer/lymphoma/qa/what-is-refractory-or-recurrent-hodgkins-lymphoma

The day, Chris and Angela and I went to we went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw the Lymphoma specialist Dr. Brad Pohlman, once again we rode the rails of hope. My son wanted to do whatever it took to

get this “crap” out of me, cut it, burn it, kill it, I want to reach the age of 50″.

I looked at his face as he said those words and my heart ached for him.

It was suggested that Chris undergo a Double Stem Cell transplant , good results had been seen in a study out of California . A tandem (double autologous) transplant is a process in which you have two stem cell transplants with your own cells — done about three to six months apart — to increase chances of success.

Basically this involved removing stem cells from Chris through his blood. The need a certain amount and they did manage to get all they needed in one removal

“https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stem-cell-transplant/what-happens/

The most common way to harvest stem cells involves temporarily removing blood from the body, separating out the stem cells, and then returning the blood to the body.

To boost the number of stem cells in the blood, medication that stimulates their production will be given for about 4 days beforehand. On the fifth day, a blood test will be carried out to check there are enough circulating stem cells.

If there are enough cells, veins in each arm will be connected by tubes to a cell-separator machine. Blood is removed from one arm and passed through a filter, before being returned to the body through the other arm.

This procedure isn’t painful and is done while you’re awake. It takes around 3 hours and may need to be repeated the next day if not enough cells are removed the first time.”

He then, after harvesting, went through more Chemo therapy and in one year from his first chemo was back in the Cleveland Clinic isolation etc. to be chemically killed . There is no other word for it. We prepared as best we could because of the high risk of infection he was initially behind a glass window. The side effects of the first transplant were given to us :

Nausea and vomiting
Diarrhea
Hair loss
Mouth sores or ulcers
Infection
Bleeding
Infertility or sterility
Anemia
Fatigue
Cataracts
Organ complications, such as heart, liver or lung failure

As he went through the first of the stem cell transplants I would go to the hospital every day, he hated the food, refused to eat it. Apparently the smell of the plastic covers covering the food and the steam coming off of them nauseated him. I would cook him lunch and supper, trying to devise a menu which would appeal to the lack of appetite, high calorie content that slipped down easily, dishes he liked from childhood. Then I would take the dishes to him. The nutritionist had to OK what I cooked, but they were more nutritious than what they were trying to give him so I was allowed.

Finally the glass screen came down, he was supposed to be the hospital that first time around for at least 4 weeks. He experienced most of the side effects. I still suffer from that place and that transplant. The nurse warned me they would be putting his own irradiated and treated cells back into his body and the preservative used would smell like creamed corn and it did. The smell permeated the very air for hours. I can no longer smell creamed corn cooking or dished out without being violently ill both in mind and body.

I would arrived at 11:30 am, most of the time he would be in the chair by the time I arrived, hooked up to poisons and fluids. I would get clean sheets from the nurse every day and make up his bed. This was my only way of trying to make him comfortable, with clean sheets and freshly made bed. I would stay whilst he slept, or watched TV. Most of the time I read. I can’t remember one book or title of any book during that time.

I would stay with him in that “cell” because that is what it became for both of us a cancerous prison but with hope the door would be unlocked to a future. I would heat his supper in the hospital’s “family room” microwave – clean up and come home at 7 to get dishes etc. for the next day and start all over again.

My daughter was at the end of her pregnancy, when Chris was admitted for the first stem cell procedure. She wasn’t due until at least two weeks after Chris was due to be released from the first stem cell transplant ( Autologous) , but once again, somehow I KNEW (yet another premonition) , I was going to be torn would between hospitals – I would be travelling between hospitals and the needs of my two children. I was right, Chris was at the end of the first procedure when Nikki went into labor two weeks early .

I had just crawled, exhausted, into bed when my son in law called to say Nikki’s water had broken and to meet them at the hospital as Nikki wanted me with her when she gave birth. Even though Chris had been in one hospital being chemically killed he was on the phone to Nikki the whole time talking her through the pain of birth, making her laugh, easing her mind. They were miles apart and yet Chris was there for her as I knew he would be. Chris talked to her through the hours of labor, making her laugh, getting her through. They were always there for each other

Chris and his sister, Nikki – on the happiest night of her life

Chris said:

hey at least you will get out of there in a couple of days even when I get out I will have to come back….. hang in there … you can do this….

He said to Nikki after he heard it was a baby boy. let me tell Nana and Dad and he did . I didn’t see him for 4 days after the birth as I was with Nikki, but his counts came back quickly , quicker than expected and he was released/

Chris came home on April 3rd and met his nephew for the first time, he was amazed at how tiny Gavin was. Nikki’s house was the first place he came straight from the hospital . Nikki, with Gavin in her arms and Chris and held onto each other that afternoon ….

To be continued

October 3, 2020 at 12:00 pm 1 comment

July 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 6 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

If the night before at the Rehearsal Dinner was hot , the day of the wedding dawned humid and hotter. I don’t handle heat and no sleep at the best of times, and this definitely wasn’t a good time. For the sake of my children and family I tried so hard to act cheerful and excited, all the while with this great lump of concrete in my gut and a dread of things to come. I can only liken this feeling to having the overwhelming feeling /intuition by getting on to a plane and knowing it will crash. I knew the prognosis for Chris form of cancer Hodgkin’s Lymphoma was excellent, 95 percent cure rate, ” if you had to have cancer this is the one you would want” a few rounds of chemo and a couple of treatments of radiation and you will be fine.

BUT then why did everything in my mind scream at me there is a world of hurt coming our way ……?

artwork Chris Ritchey

THE WEDDING

I knew that Chris would be putting on a brave face, he had a round of chemo on the Thursday and it usually caught up with him by the Saturday, and here he was having to go through a horrendously busy morning, afternoon and evening. I knew he would not let on how he was dealing and feeling with all the poisons coursing through his body. He was so particular when it came to Nikki’s wedding in regard to his tuxedo, having to make a special trip to the tailor to have it adjusted the day before. Nana and Chris at Nikki’s Wedding

Chris had lost weight with the cancer and chemo and his tux was too big, but he didn’t seem to care, not at all like Chris, but then he had more on his plate to worry about.

The wedding at St. Mary’s Catholic Church officiated by Father Daniel Divis , Chris had refused the usual Catholic protocol to get married in the church , and he was allowed to do so probably due to the cancer diagnosis and the Father Divis “relationship” he had with the Lombardis.

I sat in that church , not being very enamored with organized religion as a bit of a hypocrite, but it was Chris and Angela’s day , it was her faith and she was very in touch with her faith. My husband and mother and I sat there “together but alone” .

The ceremony over , and I couldn’t hear a word, but then Angela always made me feel like I was deaf, so soft spoken was she. I had spent the morning putting together a small cooler bag for Chris and the wedding party ( mainly for Chris) to take in the limo. It had cold water , some snacks he could eat after chemo , and some cool cloths as his body temps rose after chemo set in.

Wedding over I came home showered and cried until it was time to put on the “face” again for the reception. No matter how I tried I just could not get out of this terrible feeling like some darkness was going to envelop me.

Oh ! this happy day could only get worse heat wise when the air-conditioning at the Holiday Inn failed. However, as bad as that was as I went to the gifts table to put our check in for the Bride and Groom , not a “wishing well” or a cute little decorated box but a “casket ” with flowers on the top courtesy of Sue Lombardi ‘WHAT WAS THE WOMAN THINKING – WAS THIS APPROPRIATE” Was I being overly sensitive? although the comments from my friends they too were shocked and my mother was furious.

” I knew as soon as I saw that coffin on the table it would hurt you Loraine”

The wedding although apparently enjoyed by others left me flat especially when Father Divis reacted to the best man’s speech, I wrote about it afterward , (at the time I did not mention his name BUT of course now in that blog post he is mentioned )as I was shocked , although this man of God would shock me later after the death of my son to my core !

“This was brought home over the weekend ( and I can take a joke better that a lot of people) . A speech that bordered on not only the insulting ( for me )cultural racism by a priest (Daniel O. Divis – Office of the Secretariat)who insulted every English person and non catholic at a function. He spoke of Ulster and Northern Ireland in a way that for those of us who lived through the bombings and were directly effected by the IRA and the terrorism THEY inflicted upon a population both Irish and English , that was financed primarily from this side of the Atlantic was akin to making jokes about 911. Would you tolerate jokes about 911?

So what makes it OK for a pseudo “Irish” priest of Lorain to make the jokes and insult a group of people because they are “English”? A fellow diner said it is just ignorance of the situation– I beg to differ any Catholic Priest who claims Irish lineage KNEW exactly what he was saying, which to me makes it all the more disgraceful – am I wrong??????

You tell me when is it ok for terrorism to be lauded and applauded and when is it abhorred – is it OK to make derogatory remarks as long as it is based on culture and then only one certain segment of the population’s culture – Is it Ok to do this based on culture and not colour???

Although I did have a “word” with the man- I am sure it fell on deaf ears…… So when is it OK – tell me???? because I find this grey area very confusing ?

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2008/06/08/when-is-it-ok/

AND THIS SPEECH WAS AT A “wedding”

We got through the wedding and reception,. The Mother/ Son dance was one of the toughest things I knew I had very little control left and as we danced ( and I told Chris ( who was always my confidant) I may need Nikki and his dad to help me through. He understood , he knew me so well and we were always upfront with one another. So when I was becoming “emotionally incontinent” halfway through the dance he signaled to Nikki and his dad to join us on the floor as a group. ( that did not go down too well with the Lombardi clan) .

My husband , mother and I left at a reasonable time just after the first guests were leaving. I told Chris Nana was tired but he knew and he by this time was physically showing the effects of a very long day and the poisonous chemo. I wanted to gather my child up and make him well , but all this was now out of my hands , he was a married man now!

The next day was “come over ( to the Lombardis) and look at the presents” day , we had company so I stayed with them . The next thing I remember was Chris coming round the corner with the casket under his arm with his Best Man. I said

what are you doing here?

He said:

Sue Lombardi and her mother were anxious to open up the “box” to see how much money they received

and he said

No! he and Angela would do that later .. I don’t want them knowing our business and who gave what so I have brought it here to stop their prying . . Turns out there was no check from the Lombardis in that casket,

Angela said : ” they paid for the wedding”

HA! thanks to their “bar arrangements” we paid more to the Holiday Inn for the drinks etc. than they paid for the wedding, and I know that how ? The wedding planner lady was so frustrated with them and their way of ordering her about she told me and actually gave me a discount on the total bar bill.

And so the next weeks came and went all too quickly.

To be continued …..

July 3, 2020 at 12:41 pm 6 comments

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 5- Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

The wedding plans went on. I excused myself from most of them by feigning migraines leaving my mother, daughter and husband to do the duty.

I was stretched thin on patience and discretion and retreat was for the me the better part of valor. I know my limits and I knew I could not deal with the Lombardi women ( at least not quietly).

The kick off came re the bridesmaid dresses , the drama- because my daughter ( who was, in my opinion, added to the group because of Chris’ insistence) DARED to have her dress altered to better fit. The phone call from the irate Sue Lombardi after they saw Nikki’s dress hanging at the seamstress ( without their permission) . I was curious as to WHY they apparently were at that same seamstress with their garments was never explained.

It was then after the ensuing chastising phone call from Sue, Chris who was irate, as he listened, as I dealt with his future mother in law , not angry with me but with Angela and Sue and the upset such a pettiness caused – I decided to politely back away from all things concerning the wedding, apart from paying. Truth be known they really didn’t want my input and obviously Chris was becoming caught in the middle of the women of his life at the same time as dealing with cancer.

We managed to get through the wedding shower all smiles and faking for the guests.

There was no way I could go to the “hen night”, aptly named in my opinion, so the dreaded migraine reappeared although I know I didn’t fool Chris , but he understood, he understood me better than anyone.That duty was left to Nikki and my mother .

My mother , bless her, got a bit inebriated ( thanks to Nikki) and since they were not made the most welcome by the “clan”, barely speaking to them I am told. My mother joined people at another table , after a few of the beverages my daughter ordered for her became the hit of the night with the other tables.

A dear friend, Mark, was eating at the same venue , he took some photos called me and said

” Your mum is such a character, she is entertaining the whole restaurant by grabbing a blow up man from another hen night group and dancing around the place, cheered on by the onlookers.

Not bad for a 90 year old woman.

Chris, who turned up with his friends to drive people home, laughed and said

Mum , Nana is just wonderful

I don’t think she went down too well with the Lombardi’s though.

a smile from Sue would have cracked her face in two

said Chris.

The Friday, of the rehearsal dinner on the 6th dawned so very hot and airless, totally out of keeping for early June. The wedding date was based on Angela wanting 06.07.08 numerical sequence. The dinner was planned at a facility overlooking Lake Erie in Lakeview Park. I had booked the place before it was even finished being built.

There was (of course) issues as to my choice of menu, I had decided on heavy, hot and cold hors d’oeuvres. I worked with a local caterer, who actually had been a family friend, well respected for his establishment and catering abilities. He told me that when the Lombardi women came to his establishment to check out its viability for the reception, they left him feeling insulted by their attitude . He was quite annoyed, and went above and beyond in all I asked from him.

The menu included mini Beef Wellingtons, meatballs, pasta, mini quiches, a carvery ( turkey, beef and ham) for sandwiches, salads of all kinds, crab claws and shrimp in ice, underneath an ice vase sculpture topped with flowers. Beer and wine ( no hard liquor allowed at that time) . cakes , cookies and deserts, strawberries and fresh fruit. The table fared groaned with food. However, when Angela was shown the menu, prior to the dinner ( as a courtesy I might add) , she went into the den with Chris and sent him out and he said to me….

Angela feels this needs to be adjusted , people will be coming in from out of town ( the event was set of 50) they will be hungry and she doesn’t think hors d’oeuvres will be appropriate , she suggests chicken , red skin potatoes , green beans and cheese and macaroni.

I said:

NO! Chris – this is my contribution to your wedding . I have put a great deal of thought, along with Nikki, and Nana on this from entertainment , decor and giving you something from me!

I realized Angela had not been at any of my “party planning” previously but I looked at Chris and said

when have I ever not had enough food at anything I have planned?

I called my caterer and told him what had been said and I asked him to add something along the line of chicken wings and a macaroni dish. He sighed and said “Typical”

The morning of the rehersal dinner I drove to Lakeview Park to check on final arrangement the food, tables , decorations etc. I looked out as I got into my car over to the lighthouse where Chris and Angela had become engaged.

Lorain Lighthouse – Lorain 365 ( L. Miller)

Nikki and I had helped Chris plan that July day of engagement, 11 months prior, the “asking Angela to marry me “place”. Christopher saying:

“You helped Jim to make Nikki’s engagement special you have to help me make this special too mum!

And Nikki and I did help- organizing champagne, roses, a table holding silver goblets and a boat trip to the Lorain Lighthouse on a beautiful day. Anticipating celebration Nikki and I, dad and others sat on the patio of the Jacalope restaurant looking out at the lighthouse happy for the young couple on this very special day.

So why, as I sat in the car looking out at the same scene- the same lighthouse shimmering in the heat of the day the afternoon before the wedding, albeit from a different perspective – why did, I feel such panic and the “knowing” this wedding should not take place?

I looked out on a shining blue lake, sunshine kissing the waves and argued with myself:

“What the hell is wrong with you, why aren’t you happy you should be happy –
Yes, Chris has been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s but the prognosis is good, why aren’t you wanting to celebrate?

Angela has stood by him through this diagnosis, she has helped him – she has stuck by him- this has to be such a difficult time for her – (I admired her and was grateful to her for that)

He is getting married, starting a life so what is it with you? Why are you sitting here at Lakeview looking out at the lighthouse and feeling such a dreadful feeling?

I went home in a mood so dark, I couldn’t shake the feeling this wedding should not take place. My husband called my daughter I was in such a foul temper!

“you had better come talk to your mother she is having a melt down”

It was as if every fiber of my being was pulling at me NO! this wedding must not happen it will bring pain and sorrow to those I love. What was making me think this way? I have always trusted my “gut feelings” and this time I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

My daughter duly arrived and told me off in such a fashion as to make my own guilt and selfishness of feeling take place of the dreadful fear or premonition I was experiencing – Nikki did not hold back in her telling me like it was:

This is Chris’ wedding- the happiest day of his life- You have to stop this you have to think of Chris, he will be fine he will come out the other side of this, you can’t let him see you like this.

Of course , I thought she is right, once again I was being selfish, Chris has to come first and so you have to suck it up.

The rehearsal dinner for which I was responsible was lovely and everything went well I thought. I put on a brave face and tried to be a good hostess , but that feeling of dread did not leave – it was there with every smile every word uttered.

Chapter 6 the Wedding…….

June 3, 2020 at 11:19 am 2 comments

No LIMITS – Chapter 4- Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

I watched out the window as my son’s car drew up outside and he walked slowly to the house. He no longer had that bounce of youth, he walked like an old man with the weight of the world crashing down on him. He had started out that day on a journey of hope, love and a wedding and returned with a diagnosis of obscenity.

He just reached the living room when Nikki flew in the door, her face full of confusion and pain, mirroring her brothers. Jim, her husband standing there not knowing what to say or do, my husband sitting in the chair in shock. Chris trying to reassure us that it could be wrong

“they said his blood counts were all in the normal range so maybe it wasn’t as bad as we were told- they were going to have to do more tests”.

Angela was on her way to the house. I put my faith in the fact she was a going to be a doctor, maybe she could make sense out of what we were being told. Maybe she could find out more than we could.

Angela and Chris went into the den, not to discuss a bright wedding and future but “cancer”. I sat on the couch Nikki and my husband looking to me to sort this out” because that is what I do – I fix things , I have a plan, I see a way through only this time my brain was numb , I was at a loss. Chris came out of the den and sat on the bottom landing of the stairs, Angela beside him. No one said anything, no way forward, no plans just this terrible pall that enveloped us.

Then some small talk which ensued about Chris’ dog, Misty, those that loved Chris trying to erase the obscenity with normalcy. I just couldn’t be “brave” any longer pretending this was just another afternoon sitting there in this surreal world. I knew I would crumble and I had to leave the living room and escape from the “living” room of horror it had become.

I lay on my bed, the silence from below deafening, trying to sort through all the fear, the uncertainty , trying to figure out what I needed to do. Nothing was penetrating except the word CANCER in my brain. Cancer became my world in that moment, it threw up its own walls around me. Then , Chris was there – he put his hand on my shoulder and said

“Mum it will be OK”

I remember saying Oh Chris I am so scared. As soon as I said it I realized I was being selfish. This was not about me , this was about my beautiful son, who just had the worst news in the world and he was , as he had done so many times before, putting his family before himself. I

felt guilty because whatever I was feeling he was the one who would have to fight this obscenity. I must put aside and cover my own terror , to be there no matter what for my son, he needed to be first and foremost , I couldn’t do anything about what treatments were needed and what he would have to go through but I would do whatever was needed to see he got whatever it was he needed to survive. I could be his mother and put my son first. I felt relief, his bride- to- be seemed as if she would be supportive and with her knowledge of the medical options. He had his sister, who would move heaven and earth for him, he would have a support group of love to see him through. I would wait for the results of the tests and once more my brain started to function.

The tests, the diagnosis, doctors’ visits and the treatment began as did the days of hope and horror as the “curable cancer Hodgkin’s Lymphoma invaded my son’s body and our world. Initially the obscenity was treated as “Oh if you have to have cancer this is the one you want” 4 to 6 chemo treatment spot radiation and you will be fine – 95% cure rate. The prognosis was excellent, just a small bump in the road of life.

I walked into the “chemo “ room that first day- March 13th 2008 , I had driven Chris and Angela to South Pointe Hospital ( an hour’s drive from home) to start his treatment after meeting with Dr.Abraksia who was chosen by his bride- to -be , Angela.

The decision made sense at the time, Angela would be doing her residency at South Pointe, and the hospital was in the Cleveland Clinic System. When Chis and Angela married in a couple of months’ time they would be living in the vicinity. I convinced myself this was a good idea. I, at the time, admired this young woman, Angela, she would be supportive and seemed to take the diagnosis in stride, she seemed calm and cool whereas I was being consumed by fear, panic and doubt. Perhaps it was her faith, as well as her medical knowledge, that enabled her to be so cool. I know that was one of things my son admired in her was her “coolness” and quiet voice.

Close up of Intravenous drip

As I crossed the room, where half a dozen “elderly people” were hooked up to IV’s ,I saw my son- poison’s flowing into his body to kill the invader. I wanted to pull the needles from him, gather him up and run away from this place, he shouldn’t be here my mind screamed at me. Instead I sat with him for a little time. The first chemo was going to take all afternoon, I couldn’t bear watching the slow drip of poisons, so I drove the hour home, had Angela call me when they were about an hour from finishing and drove back to pick them up to drive home again. I had to do something I just couldn’t sit by watching destruction being pumped into my son, for chemo destroys the bad and the good.

That night, as I worried about my son, listening for his every move as he tried to sleep in the room across the landing from me. I remembered how many nights I had spent when he was a baby, getting up three or four times just to make sure he was breathing , alert even in sleep to hear the faint whimper or cry of your new born. Yet not daring to disturb him, I had had to be a positive for his sake. Finally sleep came.

Angela , Sue and Tim Lombardi

I did not know Angela’s family well, although Chris and Angela had dated for a few years, both were in college, and living away from home. We, as families, did not have much of an occasion to socialize. However, at the engagement celebration I realized the mother, Sue Lombardi , was not a person that I would embrace and that my son would have a “mother in law” who controlled and was self-promoting . Well his problem I thought, little did I know she would end up my problem.

I awoke in the early morning hours of that first night after chemo, shaking, gasping for breath. I had a dream; it was so real.

I was in a room, in the middle of the room was an open casket in which lay my son and around this casket was Angela, her mother and father and family. I was drenched in sweat and tears, the realization it was a nightmare slowly came to the front of my mind.

I crept, as quietly as I could, into my son’s room to check on him – he was awake.

“You alright mum?”

I said:

yes just wondering if I can get you anything?

Some cold water would be nice, this stuff is warm–

a smile and the beginning of a pretense way of dealing- I would check on his “water needs” I would be reassured he was alright and the game of pretending began, both of us knowing “ I was awake – do you need some water/ juice?” was not the real reason for my “checking in”.

The next day , I opened up my terror to my good friend Barb, I broke down when she called to check on how we were, Christopher was her godson I tried the small talk but blurted out

“ Barb I am going to watch my son die”
A very definite Barbara firmly stated:

Pull yourself together, the prognosis is great, don’t be silly, you have to put those thoughts from you for Chris’s sake – he will be fine.

And so I tried, all through those weeks of chemo, to push aside the negative thoughts that would creep into my head; but still the dream came back to haunt of Angela and her family standing around the casket.

E. Munch- 1895

The wedding plans continued and I tried to be normal, but the doubt and dream tore at m. I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have done, I am not good at hiding my emotions and thoughts…..

To be continued

May 3, 2020 at 5:00 pm 3 comments

Older Posts

That Woman’s Weblog

Posts filed under ‘a Cow -elle opinion’

August 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 31 – Chris Ritchey

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey

May 3rd – NO LIMITS-Chapter 28- Chris Ritchey

October 3rd- No LIMITS-Chapter 21-Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13

NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

July 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 6 – Chris Ritchey

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 5- Chris Ritchey

No LIMITS – Chapter 4- Chris Ritchey

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