Posts filed under ‘death’
Paula Tobias – A Woman of Worth- 2018
Paula Tobias, my dear friend, one who fought bravely the obscenity of ovarian cancer for 5 years.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/you-have-cancer-paulas-journey-shared/
Paula, had written about many varied things over the years just type Paula Tobias in the search box. My dear friend knew she would only be able to keep her fight going for so long, the disease and the treatments took their toll on her more than she let the outside world know.
A year before she passed she asked me to do two things for her, to write and give her eulogy at her celebration of life and to oversee the placement and landscaping of a bench which she had chosen . “Come Sit With Me” that would look out over her beloved Lake Erie and the east side of Lorain.
Following is part of the eulogy for Paula, so those that read this blog outside of this city will hopefully understand how we have lost a woman who was of “worth” not just to her friends and family but to her community :
“I loved Paula and she was “there” during my worst days- my strength-, helping me through my darkest hours
a self-portrait Chris Ritchey
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/christmas-the-day-after-chris-miss-christmas/
Paula- kind, loving…… and there.
Her words “anything I can do? Were her mantra, it didn’t matter how busy or what was going on in her own life she was there.
The loves of her life Frank, Jean and Liz were always first in her thoughts and actions. Paula fought so hard to beat the obscenity that is cancer, not just for herself but for them, her mom and the rest of her wonderful family. Paula put up a fierce battle with grace and quiet strength just as she had done throughout her life.
A life that touched so many of us….. in such positive ways , she would see a need and would try her best to meet those needs. Paula saw a need in Lorain and the nurturer she was…. Ran in 2007 as mayoral candidate for Lorain……. She called me from her car ….
“Luvvey! I am on my way to the BOE to pull petitions for Mayor – this should be a surprise to some!!!!!
http://blog.cleveland.com/wideopen/2007/09/profile_paula_tobias_lorain_ma.html
Unknown in politics, she still managed a very successful campaign as an “Independent” running 2nd to the Democratic candidate and overtaking the sitting Republican candidate. Both parties having great respect for her – her commitment and love of her community. She added class to the campaign
Such was Paula’s influence and respect among all political parties she continued with soft-spoken strength crossing over and through political parties making a difference in this city she truly loved.
Always an advocate for Lorain… There she would be at City Council meetings and reporting on them …. holding up placards when the Bascule Bridge took so long in getting repaired to filling potholes…She researched a new machine and introduced that machine to Lorain by bringing ii into the city .. Pitch Patch Paula putting on overalls and her personal hard hat and filling the test pot holes herself. . It took a while but Lorain has now a similar machine.
Paula turned her hand to being a blogger….. her thoughts and hopes for Lorain are still there on the internet waiting to be acted upon.
Paula was also on the Board of Directors for the Lorain Port Authority bringing with her historical knowledge, passion and common sense. Paula was involved in so many of the situations good, bad and beautiful because she was “there for her beloved Lorain. She wanted the visitor to Lorain to be welcomed with inviting neighborhoods.
https://locophotogblog.wordpress.com/category/paula-tobias/
YES! Paula was there, her style was quiet determination, softly speaking sense – little notes baked goods and chicken soup if needed accompanying her lovely smiles/ .
I will so miss the lilt in her voice as she would call
“Luvey??? Do you need anything/”. I still hear her voice in my mind….
In all those terrible months after her diagnosis not once did she complain to me about her battle, the physical and emotional cost.
Paula, truly remarkable in her compassion for others asked not for sympathy for her own plight, putting on a brave face and smile. Paula became a volunteer to help other cancer patients through their journey as she fought her own battles, I remember saying to her-
I just don’t know how you are doing this you have much more bravery than I
she smiled and said I just want to help because I KNOW the journey they are on…..
How many times she offered me quiet respite from my life- to join her in her beautiful home for an afternoon by her fire or a summer evening on the lake .
Oh the days her dining room and sun porch tables fair groaned with the weight of delicious foods as she invited people to share the beauty of the lake and the hospitality of her family. Paula, nurturing, loving, protecting and intensely passionate with all she held dear.
I have–.. to remind me of her… and those times.. a small antique dining room side board,…… goodness knows where my husband purchased it……… BUT I realized whilst helping myself to food at one of those banquets that Paula and Frank had the rest of the dining room set…. my little side board was a perfect match for her set.
We laughed about my having the missing piece .. a coincidence or fate? the missing piece– her dining room set not complete…. and now my darling Paula is the missing piece., our lives will not be the same and we are now incomplete .
Paula my words cannot do justice to the gracious, inspiring , loving and kind woman the epitome of a “lady” I came to love so very much – I know your pain has passed— which is our only consolation as we have to say goodbye. I love you as does everyone who was touched by your very soul and that is a wonderful legacy … Fare well my friend…………
The Bench — to be continued.
Sept. 3rd – The Bubble- Chris Ritchey
August– and the week of hell as far as memories go ( and come) has been left behind for another year. The wedding anniversary , your birthday and mine now in the past once more. I live in a self-imposed bubble, especially now ,with your Nana slowly disappearing from this existence.
I haven’t left this house for much more than an hour at a time for weeks, and this house has become my own “living in a bubble,” surrounded by the people and things I love most. I let very few intrude in the fragile existence I am living .
I have stopped letting in the distraction of “other lives” whilst I currently deal with life and death in this house. The crime, the angst, the annoyances of people , politics and lifestyles that I cannot do anything about outside these walls , even writing and documenting has been relegated to another existence.
I close the windows , turn on the air-conditioning not only to deal with the heat of August days but to add a sound barrier to my bubble – to defend against the intrusion of the “noise “of a people without respect for others in this neighborhood. I don’t want to deal with them or anyone not welcome to come into my bubble. I am dealing the best way I know how to get through.
I have taken some time to look at “your book” – No Limits – still stuck after so many chapters, looking for strength to continue , it seems I have limits .
– and I am reminded that for 30 years I lived without “knowing you “, you were not a part of this existence and then you came into our lives and left all too soon , and I miss you so much . Most of those that knew you in your all too short existence have relegated you to a mere memory , if that anymore. Your life ,floating as a bubble on the wind ,has left their existence and eventually has disappeared, a name on a headstone ,in a place not of your liking or choosing……. . you are only bright ,living and colorful in our little universe.
This loss of you from memory will be repeated in all our lives. We are all only remembered for as long as “living memory ” is in play. When your Nana passes so will all the lives of the people she loved , knew and shared her life with when she was young, she is the last one left to remember those times, people and places.
Eventually we all will be forgotten, relegated to some cemetery or plaque that will fall into disrepair and get buried over and forgotten, unless of course you are famous or infamous enough to be documented for some great or terrible deed or happenstance of life. Life consigned to a shelf in a library, computer, television program, “history” interpreted , discussed and revised .
The happiness and love you brought into our lives is not fleeting and neither is the gutting pain left behind after your leaving…….. the love endures …. and so do you in my fragile bubble like world.
July 3rd – Life Changes- Chris Ritchey
Regular readers will notice that for the past weeks the only posts have been my promised ” I will write as best I can your story , Chris” until there is a closure…..…
Oh! there have been plenty of things happening in this neighborhood, this city , the state and country and even the world that would set my fingers flying in years and months gone by.
I have reached a place of “sigh” everything seems to be too much to bear, too much to handle and apathy has set in. One of the reasons is life changes ,here in this house and the losing of a wonderful friend, Paula Tobias. Death and dying – I am so tired of watching those I love die by increments with nothing I can do or say to make a difference.
I am at war with death in the form of a bird- a huge Blue Heron who found the pond.
He has become my angel of death silently swooping down , waiting , watching to strike. As beautiful as he is , he is now the enemy . I wait for him in the mornings and late evening since I first saw him a month ago. He has no fear, intent on reigning havoc upon the habitat in the pond whether it is fish or frogs .
The pond where you put my Mother’s Day present – the “Ghost Koi “ that very last time .
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/the-ghost-in-the-pond/
The koi is huge, a good 24 inches , he glides stealth like through the water. I was surprised this Ghost Koi , no larger than the span of my hand when you released that May day, has become the size he has . I guess I should have researched him – As I read about this Ghost Koi, I had a funny feeling YOU did research his characteristics and thought it would be funny to land your mother with a giant fish, somehow it fitted with your sense of humour. Big fish little pond !
“Jumbo sized Koi grow up to 34 to 36 inches long and 40Lbs . Does the size of the pond hinder a Koi’s growth? The size of a pond will not stop a Koi from growing. The size of the pond, along with other factors like health, feeding, water temperature and water quality affect the speed of their growth.
https://www.koiacres.com/koi/faq.html
The Heron killed at least two of the large gold-fish before I could act.
I quickly purchased a Heron net to put over the pond, in the 4 decades we have had the pond we never had a problem , it was intentionally built deep with steep sides to keep away the critters. This latest pond you dug for me , moaning all the time as I remember.
I have watched, as this beautiful angel of death circles , lands silently , he and I watching the other , the net raised higher , road blocks of obstacles put in so he can’t find a place to “fish”. He has gotten through the net , knocked down the supports , there is no giving up with this bird.
He adjusts his flight path and landings, picks his moment .
He waits in the early mornings on the roof of the surrounding garages and homes, leaving his calling card , looking for a way through the netting and me.
He was here at 5:30 am this morning, this bringer of death, haughty and proud but like death I too can wait , a Mothers’ Day Koi has become more than just another fish………
I would like to think your “Ghost Koi” will continue and I can at least do something to save it from this particular ‘Angel of Death”- our love of you never fades or dies…….
June 3rd – delete- Chris Ritchey
Artwork Chris Ritchey
Hard weeks, when even writing is no longer cathartic. Always months of anniversaries of this and that…. May and June full of them. Some were happy but in the dying times most are met with “wanting to just get through” to the other side. The “what if” things had turned out differently , “memories that should have been” dissolved into the murky waters of time and reality rippling out into nothingness.
And yet the days of memories linger on the edge of our reality , the present. As I wait for the pink rose blossoms to once again surround the fountain (you purchased as my “thank you “) mingles with the memory of you carrying it piece by piece that June day to place it where it still sits- I see you the way you carried yourself, muscles taut across your back as the cast concrete weighed upon those arms recently pumped with chemo.
I see you sitting on the edge of the pond slipping in the “Ghost Koi” that Mothers’ Day . The Koi that is now as long as my fingertips to my elbow. He/she slips silently through the waters just a glimpse of the past melding with the present. The reality of missing you and wanting to see you , hear your voice, laughter to make me smile through the grief that is always there waiting…….
I can’t “delete” those memories and the hundreds of them that assail with every passing day. They hurt , even the very good ones but they are you so they can be borne ….
I can and have deleted people from my mind journey – the ones that have caused hurt, they barely exist in my world except when I bring them to the fore because they are mentioned by others – control , alt , delete . I can control those memories . It is if they belong to a different lifetime and actually they do ….. they are the purveyors of wickedness personified , selfishness undiluted and have no room in the “what if”………
Another 3rd, another month another year but you are loved beyond all tears….
May 3rd- Words are all I have- Chris Ritchey
Words- text- communication through a written language. Reading was always difficult for you as a little boy you were at the beginning of a local failing school system. A system that had to show progress, so although you had the extra classes , they passed you through as completing their grant driven reading programs. It wasn’t until the 5th grade we found out , when I had you privately tested, just how bad the problem was. Three years of catch-up and a change to private education.
Those years were hard for you , you thought you must be “stupid”. However, you also developed a skill of communicating “visually” . Eventually reading caught up with your ability to use your art to communicate. You found a niche for your talent at Lorain County Community College https://www.lorainccc.edu/
and on the advice of the college you transferred to Cleveland Institute of Art
artwork Chris Ritchey
It was at the students art show at Cleveland Institute of Art , I was looking at some of your designs etc. I noticed a couple of mistakes in the text. I spoke to the your instructor that evening about the mistakes in the text. He looked at me and said :
“that is not a problem , we can teach and correct spelling etc. what I can’t teach is what your son has, his ability , creativity and talent. I will give a an assignment to the group – “come up with three different advertising concepts on a given product/ client within a week” – Chris, will come back within two days with 10 entirely different takes. I can’t teach that……
Eventually you gained a position as Art Director for Wyse Advertising .
Apparently , according to your boss at the time, you were poised to do great things in advertising … we will never know…. but Wyse were wonderful to you during that terrible time of your illness.
I do remember that first year you worked for Wyse you were asked to do the ad for them in the annual “Torchlight” Membership Directory
The monthly AAF-Cleveland Portfolio features the latest in industry development and trends, association insights and updates, and achievements of local members. “Torchlight,” our annual membership directory, is an invaluable “Who’s Who” reference manual of members, agencies, and services in Cleveland advertising.
The directory was in your portfolio and the ad………. text, words …….. “scan of the full-page ad that appeared in the Torchlight”
Artwork Christopher Ritchey
But there aren’t any words that were so important as the last words you wrote to me – even with the spelling mistake…….I carry them with me every day
Mother’s Day is coming, once again tinged with tears and bitter-sweet ———– I love you…………I need to finish writing the book if I can find the words
April 3rd – Trilogy Trigger- Chris Ritchey
Chris Ritchey- CIA
This past month has been particularly difficult, losing my dear friend Paula to the obscenity that is cancer, the “hell is other people” neighbors with their form of obscenity invading what little space we have. It is what is called “life” for want of a description. As another departed friend used to say “everyone has a story” and yet another ” there is no laughter in hell”, but then again you would have to believe in a heaven if you believe in hell.
Easter was this past weekend , another holiday I hypocritically celebrate for the sake of loved ones and friends . I have pointed out my views and Easter/Eastre has been noted – another pagan holiday utilized, blended, absorbed and morphed for convenience sake of whatever was the popular faith at the time https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/ahhhhhh-easter-eastre-resurrecting-memories-eggs-and-crabs/
To me all religion is another man’s myth dressed up for the masses of whatever century of which you happen to be a part.
Irony, not to be outdone this year, the weekend found Gavin’s 9th birthday and your Dad’s and Easter all falling together.
You Dad born on another Easter Sunday on the top of the kitchen table ( so the story goes) let alone being April Fool’s Day.
Triple play in memories flooded in- other Easters with Papa Teddy and Auntie Gladys coming down from Canada especially at Easter and Thanksgiving , they really were the closest thing to grandparents. Such love , such beautiful people. Your first Easter , you decided to crawl and Papa Teddy spent the whole time steering you away from the fireplace hearth, fascinated even then by flames.
Memories of you being taken to that “terrible to me now” church St. Mary’s Lorain https://www.parishesonline.com/find/st-mary-catholic-church-44052 by your godparents on Easter Sunday . Well…..up until the time you “shot the priest” with a pretend gun and something religious spilled as someone in the procession jumped and there was such a kafuffle apparently. I know you were never again taken to Easter Sunday services there.
To think that church would play such havoc in our lives bringing such anger and unkindness – due to you walking down that same aisle and the taking of any closure, denying our beliefs by your controlling “in law family”( Lombardi/ Vika and offspring) and the “bride” Angela Lombardi ( Ritchey) now Murphy
not to mention “their priest” Divis –
Sharing a laugh – but on whom?
There should have been overload in the confessional, one would think, although forgiveness is far from my heart. Ah! what meaning in this life today of a ‘mother’s curse” in days of myth and legend a powerful instrument met now with the word Karma??? Karma borrowed once more from an even older religion…. I wait ………
Gavin’s “birthday” or day of his birth – hoping against hope as you lay in that terrible Cleveland Clinic- the lab rat- being made to clinically die to “save you”. I had to leave you that night to be with your sister as a new life came into the world……….. torn once more………
Your Dad’s birthday – the years of playing pranks not just because it was April fools day but because your loved your jokes. The time you took out an ad in the paper selling the house . Yes! all memories , uninvited guests along with the ham, steaks, tulips and a missing space at the table.
And yet laughter and smiles, little boys and a girl looking for surprises, barely able to sit still as the grown-ups took forever to eat. Tales of other memories , other traditions , pastel eggs mixed in with camouflage eggs, a grandfather and his grandsons sharing a moment to remember. 
Yes all intertwined showing the colors and also the greyness of what we have become – I love you – we all do……..
August 3rd- continuation- Chris Ritchey
You would think after all this time I would run out of things to share about you and the fact you lived but as life “continues” I find, far from being at a loss to find subject matter , everyday continues with you .
Recently, another mother wondered about whether people felt she should be “over her grief by now” another if there is a time limit to being broken?
Because we are broken, and the pieces of us are held together with a very tenuous glue. The slightest “wobble of a memory “ entering into one’s day can see us picking up the pieces and trying to put ourselves back together in order to be on “life’s display”, hoping those we meet , work and socialize with will not notice the cracks. Broken can make people uncomfortable, because they too are not immune from losing a son or a daughter and we are constant reminders that can happen.
As your Nana is “transitioning” and I am once again “caring” with cooking special foods, diets, changing sheets every couple of days and giving medications ( you too were prescribed) the glue is hardly doing its job most days. It is probably a good thing I am not interacting with people at the moment because I am not handling being broken in “two” .
What little patience and tolerance I had before this latest life event has disappeared. I have become selfish with my time and energy. Telemarketers have found that to call me subjects them to a tirade of “language” not generally associated with one of my age and upbringing. They have become my relief valve, something I need, so I don’t shatter altogether.
As I looked on your Nana’s face this morning I was reminded of the charcoal drawing you made of her when she was 85 looking out of a window. She was quite annoyed. “Chris you made me look 95 not 85” but your artwork prophesied the future as today the portrait is a true likeness as she continues and slowly disappears from this world.
Loving you continues- being broken continues ….
photo -self -Chris Ritchey
August 2, 2018 at 10:58 pm 2 comments