Doctor/Physician | That Woman's Weblog

NOTE: Two years ago today I started writing Chris’ story of his life and time on this poor planet . I cannot begin to tell you the toll these last few chapters have taken upon my very being.

I have to write at night when all is quiet and I am alone with my tears and gutting pain, trying to swallow back the emotions that erupt out of the very depths of me. It is painful and torturous but I promised and I will keep that promise to my son.

despair. by Chris Ritchey

Chris spent a few days being tested after returning to Cleveland , getting fluids. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving . I had spoken to Chris on the phone the night before , he wanted to come home for a few days but could he come to our house as he didn’t want to add to Nikki’s work, as she had the baby.

I said that was fine, have Angela drive him here if he was a bit wobbly to drive and I would get a room ready and etc.

On that Friday I was in K Mart getting new bedding and towels, groceries that I knew he would eat etc. for him and anything thing else I could think of to make him comfortable for when he came home. I knew that his dog Misty would help , they so loved each other and Misty missed him terribly.

My mother and I were just getting ready to go through the checkout when Angela called on my cell phone . I became a little confused as she said:

“Chris, said that you were going to come to the apartment and stay the night with him as I have to be on duty”

This was the first I had heard of it , but I didn’t say anything, maybe Chris had not told her he had wanted to come home . I would ask him when I saw him. I went along with her and said

Yes I can come , what time

she said she needed me there by 6.

Ok I will bring him supper and will be there at 6.

I went home made arrangements and took the food up with me. When I arrived, just before 6, Angela had already left . Chris was lying on the couch looking dreadful. He hadn’t eaten so I thought maybe he needed some nourishment . He ate in silence and then said :

Mum, you will have to go down and let this guy in he is coming to bring an oxygen tank

Why? what is going on, what happened I thought you were coming home, I don’t understand.

Well it seems he never told Angela about wanting to come home because he had started having difficulty breathing they went to South Pointe again. They prescribed oxygen to help with the breathing, they though he might have the flu.

Oh that damned flu shot , I didn’t think it was the flu I thought that shot is giving a false reading

but then I thought

it can’t be that bad they would have kept him in.

The man with the oxygen tank arrived, hooked up this cylinder type tank and Chris looked a little better. After he left Chris wanted to watch a movie . I remember his words so clearly , he was trying to put on a movie and the exertion of going across the room took everything he had.

“This is like drowning must be, not being able to breathe is so dibilitating , it is worse than the cancer. Mum what ever don’t let me be pathetic because I am pathetic now”

Oh Chris you aren’t pathetic, you are wonderful I love you and this is the flu.

In my heart of heart I knew this was not the flu. I didn’t know what to say or do I just sat an watched the tv screen, I couldn’t even tell you what the movie was. I just sat in the chair wanting to scream out loud to the gods, to fate, to whomever and desperatly trying not let my son see I was petrified for him.

He would dose off for a few minutes and then wake fitfully. About 11 pm Angela called:

She said that she had been speaking to her father and mother and they decided they needed to get Chris back to Houston.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing

Angela, and her parents were making arrangements to put Chris on a damned train to Texas. They had made arrangements for Chris to leave at three ( four hours from now) she would be home to help get him packed and help to get to the Amtrack station and take a train to Chicago , change trains to Austin and then it was ONLY a three hour drive to Houston!

I was incredulous what were these people thinking ? This young man dragging around an oxygen tank, had to have help getting to the bathroom. He couldn’t even make it downstairs.

For Christ sake those parents might be intellectually challenged, in my opinion, but Angela was a resident soon to be physician, she had to know that would kill him a journey like that !

Was I supposed to go with him him in 4 hours with just an overnight bag. I really couldn’t credit what I was hearing , surely they did not expect Chris to drag around on his own.

I said there was no way that would be possible.

Chris overhearing the conversation was desperate to get back to Houston, he thought they were his only hope and he would fight to get there .

I knew it would be disasterous to even attempt that journey and for ONCE in this whole fisaco of Lombardi-ism I put my foot down and said NO! that was not going to happen.

I told Chris,

“Look there is no way either of us could make that journey and I WILL be going with you , trust me on that . I will start calling around for options in the morning , if I have to charter a plane or hire an ambulance or drive a damned RV to Texas myself I will.”

He said

you can’t drive to Texas

I will do what ever needs to be done I will call Dr. Younes in the morning and see what HE suggests.

He then slept for a little and I sat up with him all that night watching every rise and fall of his chest, every whince, every sound………

That was the first night of two weeks of not sleeping for more than three hours at a time………………………….

January 3, 2022 at 2:12 pm 1 comment

Nov 3rd-No LIMITS-Chapter 22-Chris Ritchey

Author’s Note.. It wasn’t planned this way but as I reach the 1st ending of this documentation of my son before he passed . the times of publication these chapters are coinciding with times of his ending. I have said before this is absolutely crushing and painful to write as I have to relive those moments and memories. but to get to the “after” I have to document the “before” . As I get closer to ” loss of all hope memories ” I have to step away for hours and sometimes days as it is gutting to go through again and a drain on my physical and mental being..

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Houston Nights and days – a blur

The days after the fundraiser back in Ohio were tinged with gratitude to those who were so generous and writing thank you’s to those I knew had donated. Chris and I duly went about the routine of tests , bloodwork and infusion. One such visit brought out the Physicans Assistant , she was concerned that Chris was scheduled for the HINI flu shot. I hadn’t realized that Angela had set that up via Cleveland. Chris had never had a flu shot of any kind and I was unsure of his reaction to it. Apparently the PA was concerned as well, but Chris said :

“My wife has arranged it so I will take it”

I sat without saying a word in a fake leather vomit coloured chair holding my breath. I was being pummeled with thoughts

” don’t let him get this shot , it is not a good thing , something will happen”

all the while arguing with myself .

“If you say something and he doesn’t get the shot and he gets HINI with his system so compromised then you , who are not medically qualified in anyway, you could cause him worse issues”

So I said nothing , how I wish I had had the guts to tell him no! Hindsight is 20/20

Chris was always so tired after the infusion which he also had that day . We came home he ate a little, went to the bedroom , called Angela and then filled the hot water bottles , took pills and slept.

I heard him during the night running the hot baths that almost scalded his skin to ease the pain he was in. I lay awake wishing there was more I could do.

He finally slept and in the morning I went into the bathroom to collect the wet towels to wash and on the floor were soaking wet T’ shirts. I flashed back to when he was first diagnosed with Hodgkin’s and the “night sweats” that soaked his T shirts, pillows and bedding . Something was wrong , so very wrong and it was so sudden.

I wanted Chris to call the Dr. but he wouldn’t as he was scared they would take him off the trial . I wondered could it be a reaction to the H1N1 shot, it came on so quickly . The next couple of days saw him getting worse. The lethargy the pain, not wanting to eat and running a temperature.

Angela (Lomabrdi) ritchey ( Murphy) ( red) by Chris Ritchey

I had already booked Angela a flight for Nov 3rd as Chris was meeting with the “team” to see how the SGN 35 was working for him on November 5th.

I was so worried and out of my depth , I called Angela and said Chris is not looking at all well and I am very worried , barely eating and he won’t go to the Doctor or call. Angela rebooked her flight and came down the day before Hallowe’en.

Chris was naturally pleased to see her. She never mentioned to me if she thought he looked worse but in those few days I noticed it so she had to have noticed not seeing him for a couple of weeks . His eyes seemed sore and red rimmed , his skin a strange pallor tinged with grey. .

Hallowe’en, we were invited to JD’s and Karen’s for supper and to hand out candy. Chris laughed and joined in the conversation, Angela would jump up and hand out the candy and whilst everyone’s focus was on the kids and costumes I would watch as Chris quietly would reach into his top shirt pocket and pop another pill. I knew my son’s strength but I also knew he was dealing with a lot of pain . Angela had brought down some more medication from Cleveland and I worried about the amount and “what” Chris was taking but once again I said nothing.

Chris barely ate in the next few days. He took Angela and I to the British shop ( he had his truck in Houston now). She and I went in to buy Christening gifts for Gavin , Nikki’s new little baby . Chris couldn’t get out of the truck, said he just didn’t want to shop , although previously when he had taken me he loved going in there . Again, I worried.

On November 4th, the night before meeting with the team of SGN 35 we went back to the “Black Labrador Pub” to meet JD and Karen . Chris had wanted to thank them for all their hospitality and friendship whilst we had been in Texas. He loved the Ranch and lost himself in normalcy on those excursions to that ranch.

He told me that when he was well he was going to buy some land and get Gavin a horse ...

Chris nibbled at a salad , not at all like him and JD chastised me because Chris and Angela were going to drive back to Cleveland stopping on the way, if the news was good. How my son who was having a hard time driving 30 minutes to the Black Labrador Pub , how the hell was he going to drive 1,300 miles to Cleveland. JD, said

He will be fine “let go of the apron strings mom” …

November 5th :

We waited in a little office, Chris once again behind his sunglasses , Angela went to the restroom I sat once again near the door scared to breather. The Physician’s Assistant came in , and if there is one thing I know it is body language and she was happy. The Doctors came in and gave the good news … the SGN 35 was working all was good.

I breathed for the first time in days. And then the tag line ” the only thing was there was a slight “crackling” of the bottom half of the lungs that they were concerned about . Angela spoke up Oh she would have the Dr. at the Clinic check it out, he had had the flu shot . That seemed to satisfy them and they gave Chris a strength test and Ok’d him for another infusion before he left for Cleveland.

The first thing Chris did was to phone JD, whilst I called Nikki , who was sick with worry and told her the results were good. But she said

can’t he leave the truck there with JD and Karen and fly home

No Angela wanted to go to Nashville and make a vacation of it going home. They had to be back in 10 days . I flew home that afternoon .

To be continued…………….

November 3, 2021 at 6:17 pm 1 comment

September 3rd-NO LIMITS-Chapter20-Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Houston Continued:

I have never felt so out of my depth. All my life I have been decisive , could see my way to a solution or know who to reach out to in order to find a solution. Yet here I was in a strange city , scared to death , totally alone . having to bury my fears, worried I would say or do something that would hurt my son or take away his thread of hope. I could not let him see my doubts , my worries.

I would take my phone out to the pool area and call Nikki , my support , she would get me back on track but I really could never even be totally truthful with her . A young mother with a little baby , she too ,scared of the future without Chris.

Watching was the hardest part of those weeks in Houston, feeling so damned inadequate. I had promised him the day he was born that I would never let any harm come to him and I would always protect him and here I was totally useless and not being able to keep that promise .

You do the deals with an unknown powerful being,

take me , let him be cured

and knowing somehow you are wasting your time, but you feel you have to try anything to save him. You spend hours on the internet researching looking for a glimmer of hope, knowing this trial is the last chance. If I had been told,

in order to save him they would need every drop of my blood

I would have gladly died for him. There was never any choice given to me.

It is a rollercoaster ride, lost in a maze of emotions abysmally alone. Despair finds you , weakens you takes you to regions of a self made hell

Depths of Despair – artwork Chris Ritchey

The keeping up a positive face was probably the most draining for him as well as me. Chris was still filling out the report forms , everything noted as manageble. He never mentioned in the notes that every night he couldn’t sleep for the pain and would run the hottest of baths , sometimes 8 or 9 almost burning his skin to get some relief. He would surround himself with hot water bottles filled with boiling water. I pretended not to notice but it was hard when the electric kettle would disappear into his bedroom and the the wet towels would be hung of the shower rail.

I would close the bathroom door and check the bottles of pain pills they were going down at an alarming rate. It was so hard and finally I understood Chris’ artwork to describe the word HARD , it did truly feel to me that I was rushing headlong into an impenetrable hell , impossible to pass through. I would shake these premonitions as just down to being emotionally exhausted.

Artwork Chris Ritchey— HARD

I so wanted to hold and cuddle my son as I did when he was little. But he was a grown man and although I would get the occasional pat on the head as he would walk by I knew the last thing he needed was for me to show weakness.

Crying time was when he would go to the shooting range or to Cabelas . I knew I would have a couple of hours to myself . I would, on occasion, take one of his shirts and bury my face in the folds just to be near him and let the tears flow, somehow in that act to release the pain. I washed a lot of shirts doing that.

We did try normalcy , some sightseeing but always I was watching to see how he was dealing with the energy being used . I waited – hoping the news would be good at the end of the trial and what he was putting himself through would all be worth it.

Waiting , it seemed that is all I had been doing for 13 months. Waiting in doctors and hospital waiting rooms. The chairs in those rooms , no matter the hospital or city or state, were clones of one another.

People watching , wondering what the story was of the man waiting behind the frosted glass , he also waiting for good news or bad, feeling that connection with someone who briefly passed through in a moment, never acknowledging each other not speaking – but connected.

Waiting whilst announcements were made and the sound of rubbers soles squeaking on tiled floors, the wheels of hospital carts as they rolled down hallways announcing more meds. Waiting , not daring to breathe as results from tests were coming and all the time wanting to run away far away but knowing there was no running from this obscene disease …..

if cancer had a face

to be continued

September 3, 2021 at 12:45 pm 2 comments

June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights- continued

I can’t begin to put into words how stressful it was for both of us , those days and nights. Chris and myself “pretending everything was normal “ skirting around issues we both knew were uppermost on our minds. Wanting to talk but not wanting to say out loud our fears, maybe that way we could hope a little longer.

Not everything was rosy , mother and son facing a terrible unknown locked together in a small apartment. .Chris tired and in pain. I knew it wasn’t me he wanted with him. I found a note that Angela had left behind in a desk drawer, Chris was hurt and disappointed she was leaving Texas and it was me that would be with him.

I knew my presence in Texas only confirmed that he was dying of Cancer, I was a constant reminder that he needed a care giver ( although you felt he could manage on his own to deal with side effects of a trial drug and Cancer) he would’ve preferred that it would have been his wife, not his mother to be with him.

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

As a wife, I couldn’t have left my husband knowing that he was living under a death sentence and had been since August 29th -but that was Angela’s choice.

I could never understand Angela’s way of thinking, but tried to make allowances , she too was dealing with a terrible situation in her young married life. I couldn’t believe that even during this awful, hopeful , chaotic time she would still try to manipulate a situation and lie as she had done with Nikki and Chris and the engagement ring episode.

Chapter Three :

March 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 2 – Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

October 8th: One month in and the façade came crashing down, we were due to come back to Cleveland for a few days . I made arrangements to still keep the apartment as they were so difficult to find. To me, it was worth paying for it to be empty rather than going through the hassle of moving and or finding something else.

This one particular day we did have that heart to heart that horrible “truth revealing ” argument that shouldn’t have happened!

In the hours before that argument came to a head Chris and I had gone to get his prescriptions- he was tired and in a lot of pain- I said maybe I could pop into Borders ( which was across the way)

I would like to buy the new Dan Brown novel-

I could see he was impatient to get back so I didn’t push it. His mood was dour and his eyes narrowed and lips ( always a sign of anger) were tight. He had been on his cell phone to his wife, Angela, as we waited for his prescriptions. He drove back to the apartment in utter silence . He immediately went out by the pool in the apartment – I could see him sitting not moving. I decided he needed space -then Nikki called and said that Chris had hung up on her and was very angry.

“but leave him alone mum” he doesn’t want to talk.

I knew my son. I knew whatever it was would fester until he exploded – he was so much like me.

I went to the pool- he said

“I don’t want to talk”

“You don’t have to -you can listen- I need to talk to you”

I was never a crier before Hodgkin’s I was a fighter, a do-er – this blubbering fool that I have become is down to the helplessness and hopelessness that took away happiness. Chris never knew me as a “crier” before his illness – so as the tears fell he sat silently as I told him

Chris, being a mother of a son is so much harder than you can imagine – I have tried so hard to give you and Angela the space you both need in this terrible time. I KNOW Chris, that you are feeling that you have no control over what is happening to your body and your life- I know you need some control , another reason why I have tried so hard to stand aside- you didn’t need me in the mix as well -But I am going to honestly tell you now -if this had been Nikki and not you I would have handled things so much differently – just as Nikki is my child I would not have sat back and taken a back seat to decisions as I have with you and Angela.

You see when a son marries he brings into his life another woman- it is very difficult in the best of circumstances for a mother to sit back and watch decisions being made that in some cases I did not agree with in a normal situation- this terrible situation we find ourselves all thrust into makes it doubly hard. But I have deferred to you both and to her “medical expertise” with this obscenity of Hodgkin’s that has engulfed us. It has been one of the hardest things in the world for me not to interfere or to put in my two cents. There have been times Chris when I have doubted my own abilities and lost confidence in myself – I have gone against my own gut feelings and yet there is a voice that tells me to still be protective of you .

I have tried to give you both your space – to be there when needed and to shut up for your sake when I was totally against some decisions. I have tried for your sake because I love you so much I would do anything and sacrifice anything for your health and happiness.

I don’t know the reason why you are so angry with Nikki and I but you have to know neither of us would intentionally do anything to hurt you . We have tried to put you first in all our thinking – We love you always have and always will. “

With that I left the poolside and went back into the apartment. Chris followed a few minutes later and then it all came out ( as I knew it would) an argument and accusations the finding out of lies that were told

“we had excluded Angela in decision-making as to driving the truck back to Texas.”

He wanted to drive his truck back . I told Angela in an email ( which I have ) that it wasn’t a good idea him driving, he was having difficulty due to the side effects of SGN35 and I thought she should know since obviously you had been in Ohio since Sept 10th and hadn’t see the problems he was having even driving to Target let alone 1,700 miles.

I never received any response from Angela to my emails ( which I still have)

Chris was furious with me and Nikki

“You didn’t include Angela”

Me:

“What are you talking about – I included Angela”

CHRIS No you didn’t !

Me.

Would you like to see the emails?

CHRIS: “

Yes! I would”

Me.

So you are calling me a liar ?

CHRIS:

” Don’t give me that F…. shit if I want to see the email then I must be calling you a liar. There aren’t any emails Angela doesn’t lie!

I then pulled up the emails…. all of them sent to Angela –

ME:

Look at the dates and times Chris … now tell me I’M the one that lied…… she says here she wants to talk to you about it did she?

CHRIS:

Well she has been busy

ME:

she talks to you 4 or 5 times a day she couldn’t mention it but she could let you believe that Nikki and I didn’t include her?

He broke down cried….. my wonderful strong brave son reduced to tears not by cancer that night but by lies and manipulation

She, the loving wife and bride did that to him by trying to lie by omission … not me ….I held him and he said:

“did you ever think that I want to see something of the country if I am going to be dead in two years.”

My heart broke for him – I cried and we held on tight to each other and I said

Chris none of us know when we will die, the way you are driving lately we could end up dead on the way to hospital tomorrow ….

he laughed a little and I said:

Chris, I know the SGN35 is working, the lump on your neck isn’t visible and you haven’t coughed since Sept 21st.

That night he went and checked the lumps on his neck for the first time in weeks. Chris called Nikki back, she and Jim had talked and Jim would take time off work and drive back to Houston with Chris in his truck . He told Nikki he wasn’t really angry with her, just at the hopelessness and helplessness he was feeling. Once again Chris and sister reached out beyond the miles to each other.

After talking to Nikki he said he wanted to take a drive, we still had the hire car. He left- I wasn’t sure where and I was worried- he was in so much pain and on so many pills –

A little while later he came back ….. he walked in patted me on the head as a I sat in the chair and handed me a book as he walked to the bedroom – The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown…………

June 3, 2021 at 1:06 pm 6 comments

May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights- continued

I haven’t the words to eloquently or adequately explain the emotions that crash in and out of your being as you watch your child battle to stay alive. This enemy, came to conquer , not with guns , bombs or knives it was insidious in its will to win turning the very body of its victim against itself. Cells that were made large so the pumps of the body (lymph nodes) plug and distort. It circulated through the life giving blood stream through the lungs causing coughing that wracked the very body trying to deal with the attacks. Cancer in all its forms is and obscenity .

I tried so hard to keep cheerful, what 29 year old wants to be with his mother. I know he wanted Angela there knowing the trial was his last hope for a cure or at least remission. I know he wanted to spend what time he had left with her . I know I was the best of a bad deal . I argued with myself, stop watching his every move, deliberately giving him space, taking myself out to the pool side to read, even though I was petrified of the little gecko things running about the pergolas and tables, I didn’t scream when they ran across my foot or thought I was a roadway across a chair.

Chris, would spend time going to the rifle range or to Cabelas. We tried to see some of the area when we could and when he felt up to it. JD and Karen, had been out of town for a bit. Chris, after one of the infusions of SGN 35 could barely speak the the next day but when JD called he put strength into his voice so JD would not realize how poorly he was feeling.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to go out into the lawn area and have a silent cry by myself. Only I wasn’t by myself one of the other residents I had noticed sitting by the pool, looking as I must look, was there. She looked up and me as I was not winning the battle of holding in the tears and noticed she too was crying. She reached up to hold my hand and I sat down and there we sat for a long time. Two humans knowing nothing about each other, never speaking sharing the impact of cancer. I learned she too, was caring for her grown daughter as the husband had to stay in Indiana for his job and children. Her daughter was also on a trial at MD Anderson and a last hope.

Hands – Touching- Hands – art work Christopher Ritchey

On the good days we toured Houston. He had wanted to go horse back riding. I hadn’t been on a horse in 20 years ( I was then a lot thinner and in better shape) and Chris hadn’t ridden since he was a little one. I made arrangements for the following day. Of course, that night poured with rain and a warm front came dripping over Houston. I wrote on my blog at the time :

NOOOOOO!!! this isn’t a picture of the horse after I rode it. Whew! 90 degrees yesterday after a rain that could’ve floated a boat. My foray into the wild west “avec” plastic helmet. I realize that horse rentals have to protect their clients but you tend to lose heat through your head … just ask a politician 🙂 and when it is covered with plastic and foam OMG!!!! Anyway 2 hours later after riding through swamp and shrub and bush I now remember why cowboys are bowlegged.

Chris, had become very interested in life in Texas , so different from Lorain , Ohio. One of our days ( again in that heat) was spent at George Ranch Historical Park. It was fascinating seeing the 1830’s cabin and farm the humble beginnings to the 1930’s house “George Cattle Complex” . Of course then there was that oil that helped

“The discovery of oil on the Ranch in the 1920s changed the fortunes of the family and the community forever. The George’s son and only child died while just a toddler and their beloved cousin and presumed heir Mary died tragically when she was a young woman. With no living heirs and a considerable estate, the Georges established The George Foundation to ensure that their wealth would continue to benefit communities across the county into the foreseeable future. This charitable Foundation still exists and gives back today and helps bring you the story of the remarkable family who loved, grieved, rejoiced and lived on this enduring stretch of Texas prairie.”

It was a good day and Chris was enthusiastic. I was once again feeling like I would die from the humidity and heat at any moment but we laughed and enjoyed a day without the mention of Doctors or cancer . I would have put up with heat, humidity and wading across the little river filled with alligators just to see him smile and laugh .

Mothers and Fathers who are losing their child will do the deal with God, the stars , fate whatever they believe, ”

“take me instead let my son/ daughter have life and laughter and old age…………”

To be continued………

May 3, 2021 at 1:53 pm 3 comments

NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13

ED NOTE: These next chapters are among the most difficult to write. I have to “emotionally” pace myself so I can get through the memories both mentally and physically. . Those who have lost a son or daughter know that for the rest of your life you are locked into the “time of loss”. The days, week, months and years go by but you are held within the grasp of those last moments and times of your child’s leaving. You see, the part of you that was theirs dies too, you are not the same person you were and you never will be again. Your body adjusts, the brain tells you don’t go there, you learn to dodge the known triggers , the brain tries to protect, to stop the gutting grief from destroying what is left of you . Your mind goes into “protect mode” however, when revisiting those times intentionally in order to tell the story you are a raw and and the wounds open as the days of death once again are relived..

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights

I watched as Chris and Angela went through “security” at the Cleveland Airport. I hoped he would be able to get on the plane. H1NI ( swine flu) had reared its head and the airlines were on the lookout for anyone displaying symptoms . Since the Hodgkin’s tumors were making their presence known once more in his body he developed a cough as the lungs tried to expel the foreign body.

“Try not to cough Chris , that would be all we needed to be banned from the flight”

It had been a whirlwind of action since the phone call that morning and now I stood in the lobby of the airport drained, hopeful once again and yet wondering WHY?

Why was life being so cruel?

I had booked Angela and Chris into the Marriot Hotel near MD Anderson Cancer Center for three nights. I wasn’t sure how long the tests and interviews would take . I got a phone call from Chris that night to say they had arrived and were having room service ( was that OK? ) I told him:

I didn’t care they had my credit card information whatever makes life easier for you darling

We aren’t wealthy but I would have sold my soul for him and I would worry about the debts later.

The next day I did not leave the phone, finally Angela rang to say that although MD Anderson had also closed the trials for SGN 35 they were going to make a place for Chris on that trial as he fit the profile and he was going through a barrage of tests.

Cancer Clinical Trials | MD Anderson Cancer Center

Relief flooded back filling the void of fear once again. Then more good news, trials aren’t typically paid for by Health Insurance , again I would have sold my house if need be, but Angela being an employee of the Cleveland Clinic insurance did cover the trial even though Chris was not at their facility because he had been denied a place in the Cleveland Clinic Trial. I truly felt things may be falling our way.

After the tests they concurred Chris was right for the trial. By now we were at the start of the Labor Day weekend . Chris was set for more tests the following week and all being well the first infusion of SGN 35 on September 11th. I had contacted the family services people at MD Anderson to see about long term lodging. The hotel would be far to expensive over $230 per night at that time. I needed to get them somewhere comfortable and close.

The offices emailed me a list of about 50 hotels and apartments all of varying quality and prices. I had no clue about where anything was in relationship to the Cancer Center , nor did I know anything at all about Houston. I gave a short list to Angela to see if she could find out any more information.

Chris called that evening , the tests went well and acquaintances of both the Lombardi’s and actually of mine had interceded by phoning friends with whom they had been college roommates who lived in Houston. JD and Karen , these people were wonderful they took Chris and Angela under their protective wing and invited them to their ranch for the long weekend. I was thrilled , some normalcy for once. Chris was so happy I could have cried.

I found out that MD Anderson was huge bringing in patients from all over the world and the places available for short stay/ long stay accommodation were few and far between. I reserved a couple and asked Angela to check up on them for suitability . I lost two because “they were going to look after the weekend”

I couldn’t seem to make Angela understand this was probably NOT going to be an option. I received a call from the one Houston Apartment Corporate Housing. I had reserved a one bedroom apartment but they had someone else wanting it so I took it sight unseen. It was the Esplanade.

Angela was not very happy I had done that but I said

“you have to have somewhere to stay and Chris needs to be where he can rest. I have taken care of all the finances, all you have to do is bring your cases and get some food shopping “

It had been decided that Angela would stay until the night before his first infusion on the 11th but she would return to Cleveland on the 10th. I didn’t know what to say , I realized Angela would need to come back to sort out work and necessary details but I thought she would take time off to be be with Chris. After all this was a “trial” he was weaker than ever with the cancer coursing through his body, surely she didn’t intend for him to stay there by himself.

Angela said:“He will be fine…. there is a kitchen and he can order in pizza and JD and Karen had lent him a truck……he has to take ownership of his illness”

I was incredulous, like it or not my son was facing death and an unknown treatment. Nikki said upon hearing this :

“mum you have to go and be with Chris, he can’t handle doing this on his own” ” Who will see to it that he eats, that he is OK , you know how hard it was on him with the chemo….call an ambulance….”

I could see Nikki was also so worried so I left for Houston on September 12th, as Chris refused to let me fly on September 11th. I told him I would find my own way from the airport as he needed to rest after the infusion of the day before.

The night before I left Sue Lombardi and Tim arrived at my front door with a suitcase of clothes and essentials that Chris had asked Angela to get to me as he went to Houston with just a small bag .

Chris’s dog, Misty, was a loopy friendly bundle of happy, she loved everyone, we always joked if an intruder came to the house she would lick them to death

So I was shocked when Sue walked into the living room and Misty went mental, growling, teeth barred and barking definitely in a protective mode. Neither my husband or I had ever seen her demonstrate such behavior , she would not stop and it was very embarrassing. Finally realizing this was not stopping, my husband put her outside where she continued to bark as if the devils from hell were threatening us.

Looking back it may be because underneath all the smiles and nicety, nicety syrupy talk Sue was giving off vibes the dog could understand and saw her as a threat . I don’t know but Misty never behaved that way before or since or maybe she knew the true character of the woman who would cause us so much pain

To be continued……

February 3, 2021 at 1:12 pm 3 comments

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

ED NOTE: It has been one year since I started this journey of serialization of my book/posts on my son’s, Christopher Ritchey, journey. I had thought, initially, to intersperse the posts as usual with other posts, pertaining to life, Lorain, crime and politics. I have found I just do not have the energy and the apathy is all consuming . I have come to the sad realization what I think and my passions on those subjects just don’t matter and don’t make a bit of difference in the real world. However, my journey with NO LIMITS continues, as hard as these chapters are to write and reliving the journey of hope and no hope there is a light at the end of this journey . I will continue to tell of our journey with transparency and truths.

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter 12 : The Trial and Tribulations

The days following the biopsy found me sitting by the phone. I knew in my heart of hearts the news was awful but I clung to the hope they could be wrong, it had been known. I knew it was a foolish hope but you grab anything you can to hold onto.

Chris came to stay with Nikki that last weekend in August . He was so pale and quiet. I went over bearing his favourite food . Nikki told me he had been out in the woods for hours on his four wheeler , alone and not wanting to talk to anyone.

We waited, and when he came in I saw my son trying to put on a brave face. We all tried to act normally I sat with him at the kitchen counter , trying to eat . He was , for my sake, trying to force the food down. A friend of my son-in-law, oblivious to the situation, came in talking about the hunting season to come and new equipment he was planning to purchase. It was so normal and so damned surreal. Chris left the kitchen , I knew he was thinking

I probably won’t be here for that season.

I waited, trying to swallow my scream. Nikki came into the kitchen and said ”

Mum, Chris is not good, you had better come upstairs

I followed her up to the guest room, also now known as Chris’ room. He was laying on top of the bed and had broken down, the fear, the hope, the fact he would die crashing down on him and he could no longer put on a brave face that day .

I didn’t know what to say or do . I felt totally helpless. I sat on the bed next to him and Nikki was on the other side and we huddled and cried together. After a while I said , not knowing really what I was saying

“The three of us like this, Chris , is probably Angela’s worst nightmare”

Finally a weak smile and I said to my son , almost believing it myself

Chris , I will move heaven and earth to find another way another treatment, even if it means going to Germany or Europe

( I had heard they were making strides in Germany with Refractory Hodgkin’s)

Chris went back out into the woods riding and I went home to get on the computer and research.

I went home worried beyond reason for my beautiful son. The phone rang it was Angela’s mother Sue Lombardi wanting to know something inconsequential.

I said Sue:

I can’t even think about that know ( I can’t even remember what it was ) I have just left Chris and he is in a terrible state.

WELL! she said NOW YOU KNOW WHAT ANGELA HAS BEEN PUTTING UP WITH .

I couldn’t believe the sanctimonious, cold hearted cow!

PUTTING UP WITH , he is dying and scared and turning to his wife.. don’t talk to me .. putting up with ????

she said :

maybe putting up with wasn’t the right choice of words .

No! it wasn’t I am going now. I have things to of more importance to deal with

Finally Tuesday came when we once again sat in the offices of Dr. Pohlman. Chris sat alone on the side of the room, he had on his aviator glasses and cap was pulled down, as I looked at my son , knowing these glasses were his defense against the emotions he was feeling being shown to us. Nikki and I sat together and Angela drew up a chair on the opposite wall.

No-one said a word, and Dr. Pohlman of the diamond earing , white framed glasses , starched white coat and Italian leather shoes entered the room.

I was never keen on him , his bed side manner was decidedly lacking , but Chris liked him, why? I don’t know . As he sat down he looked at us , looked at the report and said coldly:

“This is bad, very bad. Your immune system, ( looking at Chris who had not moved but sat like stone) does not recognize the cancer. As your body deals with the good cells it is also helping the cancer cells . Another stem cell transplant , this would be a donor transplant in the hopes that their immune system would take over (allogeneic) is a remote possibility , but the insurance probably would not OK it.

Nikki , spoke ” well why can’t we try? “

Pohlman looked as if he had noticed her for the first time,

“and you are his sister? Well we could test you as a donor, are you willing “

“Of course I am willing I will do anything “

Polhman then continued.

Chris your only hope for a “cure” ( and yes he said the word “cure” )is to get on a trial for the drug SGN35 .

I finally found my voice,

how do we do that?

Unfortunately,

he said ( and this was the Tuesday morning after waiting for days for the results of the biopsy)

We.at the Clinic closed down the admittance to the trial of SGN 35 we have here on Friday and there are no more spaces available. I am not sure there are any openings around the country.

I was incredulous , this young man had been treated by them from the very beginning they KNEW the cancer had returned , they knew he would need options , they held out the hope again to only withdraw it coldly and clinically. I was so angry I couldn’t speak. Angela sat there ,

For god’s sake I thought Angela say something, you are a resident going to be a Dr. a member of the Cleveland Clinic yourself say something!!!!!This is your husband fight for him.

Angela said nothing, it was Nikki who spoke :

You are the Cleveland Clinic , the best in the nation, and you are telling me that Chris has been your patient all this time and you come in here offering nothing, just that a trial has closed, why didn’t you reserve him a space. You KNEW what those results were . and all you can say is “this is bad , very bad ” and there is a hope for a cure but not here . Then Where????? Don’t kick him to the curb, he is not a lab rat……

Chris’ face book page

I am not sure Polhman was expecting that , I know Angela looked shocked. Polhman was the big shot specialist, I am sure she wasn’t happy with Nikki questioning him. Polhman turned his hands outward in a gesture of “oh well” said that he would send his assistant to set up a test for Nikki and he would have them see if there were any openings for SGN 35 in other states , but the trials had all closed on the Friday . He had other patients he had to see.

As they all walked out I asked what about Europe, Germany , he looked perplexed. He didn’t know and was that an option. I said:

anything is an option to save my son’s life and walked out.

The rest of the day found Angela looking into options, contacting people she had been in medical school with. Nikki on the computer and I called family in the medical community , who dealt with Cancer research . They put me in touch with Chicago and Columbus trials, talking to Doctors, setting up appointments.

Angela had the best options with MD Anderson Houston Texas . She sent Chris records through to a friend who said they would get them to Dr. Younes who was doing the trial.

Wednesday morning , Nikki and I picked up Chris from his apartment and we went to the Clinic for them to be matched for a allogeneic transplant. This done we went back to his apartment, not really speaking . We stayed for a little while, I was so worried about Chris , he had lost hope. I left Nikki and Chris in the living room and went to busy myself making the bed incase he needed to rest. Nikki came flying into the room. Dr. Younes’ PA from MD Anderson was on the phone and they had an opening for an appointment the next day in Houston.

The next afternoon at two o’clock . OMG!!! the thoughts tumbled and whirled through my mind. Take the appointment , call the airlines, Chris call Angela , where is my credit card , get them on a flight, book a hotel near the hospital , get some money . By eight o’clock they were boarding a flight to Houston….

the roller coaster ride was starting up again

to be continued……..

January 3, 2021 at 2:27 pm 5 comments

NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

THE HOPING TIME- CHAPTER 11

I was never one for organized religion. My brain always questioning as to the logic of faith. The stories written by men with agendas put in the form of a bible, or a book, tablets, writings, of whatever faith was in vogue, translations based on the politics of the day. But I prayed to an all-powerful, all knowing being commonly known in my society as God! I prayed every waking minute silently, and every night alone I prayed out loud. Please God take me not him, let him have his life and happiness. I did the deals parents do when they believe someone magical being can overturn a fate. I would have sacrificed myself on any alter “He” deemed needed to save my son.

Almost every church in Lorain had him on their prayer chain. Churches both Catholic and Protestant in England, Scotland, New Zealand Australia and Canada reached out to the heavens in my son’s name. Synagogues, Buddhists and Native Americans joined in with their prayers . I was sent so many little bottles of Holy Water from Lourdes, from pilgrimages made on behalf of Chris that I could have opened a market stall.

The thoughts kept going through my head.

“If there is a God as most seem to believe and he has no use for me and no reason to answer my prayers surely He can’t ignore the hundreds of people who are praying for Chris, and especially his wife and family a pillar of the Catholic Church. What about their prayers does my lack of faith tip the scale against hundreds of believers?

What about Chris what did he ever do in his young life to deserve this ? His sister what had she ever done, his father his Nana? The believers told me God has a plan? Well I don’t like his plan when the drug dealer who has raped and caused hell to his parents is walking around procreating and causing such turmoil why not him I asked why Chris? I did not get an answer and ten years on nothing has changed for the drug dealer except his vehicles.

June turned into July , I watched as my son started to look better from his chemical death. He grew stronger and I started to breathe a little better. Late July found him going on a 4 wheeler trip with the guys.

Normalcy and fun , so I thought. Dr. Pohlman had told him in June he wasn’t going to have to see him until November and he had no restrictions as such, just to stay away from people who may be ill etc. When Chris came back from that trip he was obviously tired but there was something else going on . I prayed it wasn’t the cancer coming back again.

Chris opened up to Nikki that he thought the lump was coming back on his neck a compromised lymph node . My understanding is the cancer cells in the blood are larger than normal cells and so can’t get through and block the system causing the lumps ( tumors) . That of course is the very simplest of explanations , there is so much more .

Chris finally having shared his fears with Nikki and they called the staff member in Pohlman’s office he had been given as a contact. They basically said to keep an eye on it and he had an appointment moved up until August.

The Doctors decided to do a biopsy on August 21st , Chris’ birthday. I will never be able to think of his birthday in the same way again.

I drove to the downtown Cleveland Clinic wanting to throw up all the way. I was so scared I couldn’t even think straight. Chris and Angela were already there. Nikki having fed the baby,( she was breast feeding) was on her way. We sat in silence in the waiting room , Chris, Angela and I , I had no words. Nikki arrived looked at her brother and said “Birthday” he smiled . He was taken back to pre-op Nikki and Angela went with him . I sat along in a corridor trying not to fall apart, everything within me was screaming.

Chris was taken down and we went to the waiting room only to find Angela’s support team. One of them her grandmother , they wanted to get something to eat so I duly followed on. The grandmother who was nice enough in her way but in my opinion sadly lacking in forethought said:

“What a shame, on his birthday too. Oh isn’t it your birthday in a couple of days, are you having a party to celebrate”

and on she “clacked”. I thought has this woman any idea of what Nikki and I are going through. I sat quietly through the “meal”, whilst they ate and rattled on about this and that, we then went back to the waiting room.

The big board with all the operations and who was in surgery and who was in recovery kept changing. The grandmother true to form had not finished. Nikki had left me to go and express her milk. As I sat there visualizing what was happening to my son Grandmother pipes up:

Let’s have a contest , everyone pick a time as to when Chris goes to recovery, how much longer do you think it will be. Angela you are the Dr. so you start.

and they did . I was by this time bringing up bile in my mouth, I could no longer sit there , was not one of Angela’s support team going to shut this stupid woman up. Did they not see how inappropriate this was and how painful?

I got up and left and went outside crying. Nikki found me as they had no idea where I had gone. Chris had come through the surgery and was in recovery. The surgeon came out and said it went well and they were sending the sample for tests. Angela left to share the news. Nikki looked at the surgeon and said:

is the cancer back?

He was very nice and said

we have to wait for the results.

Nikki looked at him and said :

You have done hundreds of these and you can tell, I know , is the cancer back

He looked at her and just nodded.

Mum, you can’t go back into the recovery room . Chris will take one look at you and know . You have to leave.

and so I did . I don’t remember driving home . I was numb , perplexed desperate.

Chris missed my birthday but came two days after with my “candles” he always bought me candles since he was a little boy.

April 3rd- The Candle Connection- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

As soon as Chris was old enough and earning money, he would buy me special candles – the trouble was they were always artistic and expensive and I couldn’t bring myself to light them. After one more such gift of candles I couldn’t bear to burn , I told you:

“Chris, these are far too nice to burn – just buy me ones I can feel OK with lighting” .

The next birthday came the “Daisy Candles” and once again I didn’t have the heart to burn them I supposed you had forgotten the request .

I noticed the cellophane around the “Daisy Candles” was definitely yellowing and becoming brittle. My thought was to bring them into the living room where my mum, who loves daisies might get some cheer from them as a symbol of “spring will eventually arrive and with it daisies”

I brought the candles downstairs , took off the wrapper and then saw the instructions-

I realized as I read those words you had listened to me– because the candles were special- the wick would burn for 29-30 hours and when it was done the outside of the candle would still be intact and I could insert tea light candle that would illuminate the outer shell.

the thought struck me the candle was yet another symbol- how your life burned with beauty and strength for as many years as those candles had hours (29) and what was left was a mere glimmer of memories that would only burn as long as I lighted the “memory of you” . The “tea light” of the 3rd of every month where once again your life is lived!

The candles , the last he bought me, are still waiting to give a light that has been lost to us.

To be continued………

December 3, 2020 at 3:48 pm 2 comments

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Double Cell Transplant:

We went to see Dr. Brad Pohlman who had been involved through South Pointe with Chris’ initial treatment.

:Brad Pohlman, MD, is Vice Chair of Operations at Cleveland Clinic Taussig Cancer Institute. Dr. Pohlman is a member of the American Society of Hematology, American Society of Clinical Oncology, and American Society for Blood and Marrow Transplantation.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sngT_dShxsw

So much for the 95% cure rate re Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Chris was now diagnosed with Refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma , the cancer came back very quickly https://www.webmd.com/cancer/lymphoma/qa/what-is-refractory-or-recurrent-hodgkins-lymphoma

The day, Chris and Angela and I went to we went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw the Lymphoma specialist Dr. Brad Pohlman, once again we rode the rails of hope. My son wanted to do whatever it took to

get this “crap” out of me, cut it, burn it, kill it, I want to reach the age of 50″.

I looked at his face as he said those words and my heart ached for him.

It was suggested that Chris undergo a Double Stem Cell transplant , good results had been seen in a study out of California . A tandem (double autologous) transplant is a process in which you have two stem cell transplants with your own cells — done about three to six months apart — to increase chances of success.

Basically this involved removing stem cells from Chris through his blood. The need a certain amount and they did manage to get all they needed in one removal

“https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stem-cell-transplant/what-happens/

The most common way to harvest stem cells involves temporarily removing blood from the body, separating out the stem cells, and then returning the blood to the body.

To boost the number of stem cells in the blood, medication that stimulates their production will be given for about 4 days beforehand. On the fifth day, a blood test will be carried out to check there are enough circulating stem cells.

If there are enough cells, veins in each arm will be connected by tubes to a cell-separator machine. Blood is removed from one arm and passed through a filter, before being returned to the body through the other arm.

This procedure isn’t painful and is done while you’re awake. It takes around 3 hours and may need to be repeated the next day if not enough cells are removed the first time.”

He then, after harvesting, went through more Chemo therapy and in one year from his first chemo was back in the Cleveland Clinic isolation etc. to be chemically killed . There is no other word for it. We prepared as best we could because of the high risk of infection he was initially behind a glass window. The side effects of the first transplant were given to us :

Nausea and vomiting
Diarrhea
Hair loss
Mouth sores or ulcers
Infection
Bleeding
Infertility or sterility
Anemia
Fatigue
Cataracts
Organ complications, such as heart, liver or lung failure

As he went through the first of the stem cell transplants I would go to the hospital every day, he hated the food, refused to eat it. Apparently the smell of the plastic covers covering the food and the steam coming off of them nauseated him. I would cook him lunch and supper, trying to devise a menu which would appeal to the lack of appetite, high calorie content that slipped down easily, dishes he liked from childhood. Then I would take the dishes to him. The nutritionist had to OK what I cooked, but they were more nutritious than what they were trying to give him so I was allowed.

Finally the glass screen came down, he was supposed to be the hospital that first time around for at least 4 weeks. He experienced most of the side effects. I still suffer from that place and that transplant. The nurse warned me they would be putting his own irradiated and treated cells back into his body and the preservative used would smell like creamed corn and it did. The smell permeated the very air for hours. I can no longer smell creamed corn cooking or dished out without being violently ill both in mind and body.

I would arrived at 11:30 am, most of the time he would be in the chair by the time I arrived, hooked up to poisons and fluids. I would get clean sheets from the nurse every day and make up his bed. This was my only way of trying to make him comfortable, with clean sheets and freshly made bed. I would stay whilst he slept, or watched TV. Most of the time I read. I can’t remember one book or title of any book during that time.

I would stay with him in that “cell” because that is what it became for both of us a cancerous prison but with hope the door would be unlocked to a future. I would heat his supper in the hospital’s “family room” microwave – clean up and come home at 7 to get dishes etc. for the next day and start all over again.

My daughter was at the end of her pregnancy, when Chris was admitted for the first stem cell procedure. She wasn’t due until at least two weeks after Chris was due to be released from the first stem cell transplant ( Autologous) , but once again, somehow I KNEW (yet another premonition) , I was going to be torn would between hospitals – I would be travelling between hospitals and the needs of my two children. I was right, Chris was at the end of the first procedure when Nikki went into labor two weeks early .

I had just crawled, exhausted, into bed when my son in law called to say Nikki’s water had broken and to meet them at the hospital as Nikki wanted me with her when she gave birth. Even though Chris had been in one hospital being chemically killed he was on the phone to Nikki the whole time talking her through the pain of birth, making her laugh, easing her mind. They were miles apart and yet Chris was there for her as I knew he would be. Chris talked to her through the hours of labor, making her laugh, getting her through. They were always there for each other

Chris and his sister, Nikki – on the happiest night of her life

Chris said:

hey at least you will get out of there in a couple of days even when I get out I will have to come back….. hang in there … you can do this….

He said to Nikki after he heard it was a baby boy. let me tell Nana and Dad and he did . I didn’t see him for 4 days after the birth as I was with Nikki, but his counts came back quickly , quicker than expected and he was released/

Chris came home on April 3rd and met his nephew for the first time, he was amazed at how tiny Gavin was. Nikki’s house was the first place he came straight from the hospital . Nikki, with Gavin in her arms and Chris and held onto each other that afternoon ….

To be continued

October 3, 2020 at 12:00 pm 1 comment

Sept. 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 8- Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

After the Wedding- Chapter 8

All during the trip to Europe I was in a state of panic . I tried not to show my fear, after all Nikki was pregnant it was a time of celebration, of being with family and supposedly moving forward with hope and happiness. No matter how I tried I could not quell the terror that would shake me awake at night or in unguarded moments transport me to a dark place.

I wasn’t alone in this thing called premonition, Chris as a little boy had dreams and premonitions too. They faded as he grew or maybe he just didn’t pay attention to them. The day I brought my son home from the hospital, I sat gazing at his little flushed faced and those eyes , new to the wonder of a world experienced for the first time and my mother admiring her new grandson , I heard myself saying as I looked at my miracle and said out-loud as my mum sat with me – he will have a sad life! I don’t know what made me say it, I put it down to post-partum nonsense but I was always, in hindsight, since that utterance tried to make sure Chris’ life would not be sad. I spoiled him and loved him, laughed with him, enabled him and tried everything I could to protect him.

After Chris had completed his radiation treatments and we were finally over our “European Flu” , my husband and I were invited to the newlyweds apartment for dinner. I hadn’t seen Chris in a couple of weeks he had been travelling out of state for Wyse Advertising in his position as an Art Director. He had the Meineke Account and they were shooting a new ad based on Chris’ ideas which would be aired on CNN and on the Meineke Bowl December 27th 2008.

As I walked into their apartment that evening in November 2008 my arms full of wine and flowers , my son was sitting in “his” chair – one he had purchased after the wedding- men always have to have “their chair”. I stopped short as I looked at my son – something was wrong, his eyes, dark circles , pallor I knew it was not good, but he had been through a lot and was back at work; logical reasoning’s flooded into my thought process but I knew all the while knowing this wasn’t good. I smiled and said:

I will just give these things to Angela, talk to your dad, I will be back in a second.

I joined Angela in the small kitchen , I had hoped that my wariness of her , which I had felt from the first day I was introduced to her, would have dissipated now they were married. But no! it hadn’t, there was something that made me uncomfortable around her, something that made me try too hard with her, not be me. I remember thinking:

she is like her mother in so many ways but there has to be something I am not seeing in her that Chris does.

I knew from Chris’s own lips, Sue Lombardi, the mother in law, was an irritant to him and didn’t gladly suffer her. There were times my son used the cancer and fatigue as an excuse NOT to go to the Lombardi gatherings, and yet was well enough to join Jim and others at the Irish pub.

Angela, Chris does not look well to me is he OK…. is this the after effects of the treatment?

Oh No! she said

he caught cold on the trip for Wyse – flying you tend to pick up stuff and his immune system is down because of the chemo and radiation. He is on antibiotics from the Dr. at South Pointe.

I felt somewhat relieved, after all she was now a resident, the hospital staff knew Chris and his situation and so we sat down to dinner. I couldn’t take my eyes off my son, even though I was careful not to let him see I was looking and the quiet fear became a deafening roar.

Thanksgiving 2008 came, Angela was working (supposedly), I am not sure to this day that I believed that .. I felt that she wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her family and Chris with his, so they decided to each go their own way and Chris would go to Lombardi’s for dessert.

Chris sat as his usual place at the dining room table. I realized I hadn’t really seen Angela but a couple of times, and then only briefly, since they had been married. Chris would come to Nikki’s every weekend but never did Angela stay, she was usually with her family.

I had cooked Chris all his favorite dishes that Thanksgiving Day but they largely went untouched. After he left to join Angela at her mother’s, Nikki was worried:

We have to do something, Mum, something is not right with Chris, I don’t care what Angela says he is ill. .

Chris had been scheduled for a PET Scan but he didn’t want Christmas to be a blow out so he scheduled the scan after Christmas. We had a Christmas , Nikki and I treading on eggshells and swallowing our fears like they were broken glass.

Angela stayed at her parents and Chris as usual stayed with Nikki, he had his own room. I went over Christmas morning and Nikki was very worried Chris looked dreadful .

Angela duly arrived that morning in her pajamas and coat , she called up to Chris to

get up and come on she was waiting ,

they, the Lombardi Clan were all going to the cemetery where the little cousin who had been killed by the falling tree branch that September was buried in their pajamas with gifts for the grave , opening Christmas stockings and decorate a tree.

I heard my son say

“No that is sick I am not going to be part of that ,you go but I am NOT!

Angela Ritchey- In red – by Chris Ritchey

Angela’s face darkened , you could tell she was angry and that Chris had disagreed with her in front of me and his Nana . I heard her say as she left the room

” things will be different next year”

I remember my mum looking at me and saying:

you know that girl has a coldness in her I hadn’t realized….

prophetic words indeed.

Dec 27th, Chris was still at Nikki’s where we all tried to help him, Angela pretty much stayed away sulking somewhat after the Christmas morning incident, Chris explained . We duly sat around the flat screen to watch the Meineke Bowl for his ad.

I was sitting on the couch and Chris slowly started to slump over his head on my lap , like he did when he was a little boy and I knew…… time was not going to be kind…..

Chris, had the PET Scan January 3rd went back to Dr. Abraksia , the oncologist, who originally over saw the chemo treatments and eventually the worst fears materialized. Less than 3 months after being pronounced cured of the curable cancer Hodgkin’s Lymphoma morphed into Refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

Nikki was around 6 months pregnant when Chris called me that January evening with the news the cancer was back. I knew I had to tell Nikki in person – her being pregnant was something unexpected and we were treating her like crystal, as just 4 months before her pregnancy Drs. and specialists told her she would not be able to have children. But I knew she was pregnant before she did , I told Chris , he got angry with me

Mum, stop it you know how much Nikki wants a baby that is wrong of you.

I said ,

well I just know she is....

and when she came over with the scan I said

Oh Nikki I have to tell Chris……

there was such excitement

I knew that Nikki had to be told carefully so got into my car and drove to her home. It was snowing and icy and I nearly took out a mail box . Jim answered the door, one look at me and he knew things were bad- I told Nikki what I knew and she crumpled in two, just sort of folded up.

her baby brother –

she wanted to go to him right away but we convinced her otherwise- tomorrow we said .

Nikki and I went to Best Buy on the way and purchased a small flat screen for Chris’s bedroom- knowing he would be shut in that room whilst new treatments were tried. Chris was waiting for us, I started to unpack the TV whilst Nikki and Chris went to the bedroom- I heard him say-

Nik- I did everything they told me to do, why is it back it is supposed to be curable?

Other self by Chris Ritchey

My heart was in my mouth- I stayed out in the living room giving Nikki and Chris space” to be”. It was always the two of them against the world.

And so another medical chapter in the journey of the obscenity of Cancer began. I will write of that journey of stem cell transplants, trials the hope and the horror , the circus that is cancer . However, this book is not about the journey of medical treatment but that of life and connection.

The Touch- Chris Ritchey

September 3, 2020 at 12:31 pm 1 comment

Older Posts

That Woman’s Weblog

Posts filed under ‘Doctor/Physician’

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

Nov 3rd-No LIMITS-Chapter 22-Chris Ritchey

September 3rd-NO LIMITS-Chapter20-Chris Ritchey

June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17

May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

Sept. 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 8- Chris Ritchey

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