Love | That Woman's Weblog

Note: I have been dreading this chapter all month. I have put it off, shoved the memories back into their dwelling place. As my self- imposed deadline of the 3rd of the month loomed, I ran emotionally from remembering. My conscious thought telling me

“don’t go there ” , you can’t go back to that time, your well being is at stake. You survived that day because it was so surreal and you were protected by “unbelievability” as to what was actually happening. You were tired, emotionally exhausted things happening were cushioned with incredibility , the -this is not happening syndrome.

Days passed and the closer the 3rd of June came the more I ran from this writing. I couldn’t bring myself to do this , but the nights were different perspective altogether, I lay awake for hours, although exhausted , I would watch the moon in its phases lighting the bedroom causing the tree to outside cast its dancing shadows on the wall.

Everything in me has fought this moment, but here it is June the 2nd, 2022 and I am remembering the most painful day of my life and “my death” as well. You see, and I know those of you that have lost a son or daughter know the very moment that happens , you lose who you are too. You are not the same and you never will be ………

For days I sat by your side , those last three days being in the new Medical ICU unit were dreadful. Not only did the nurses and doctors not know who I was, and I was too tired to explain, I was falling apart emotionally and physically. Weeks of wearing the paper medical masks ( since they insisted you had H1N1), because that is what Angela had told them in ER and of course why question the “doctor in waiting”.

The mask, the dryness of the room and the stress had caused the skin under my nose to blister and scab. I, apparently, was somewhat allergic to those particular masks. One lovely nurse gave me ointment to help. There was no ointment for my swollen, to nearly three time their regular size, my legs. In this unit , there was not comfortable arm chair. This unit obviously did not want visitors so the only chair was a metal folding chair. Sitting on the cold hard metal , not moving holding his hand, only getting up to put a cool facecloth on his burning brow. I was reminded every time I did so by the marks left on your scalp as they had pulled off the brain wave electrodes, the skin was sore and red and the hair gone and slight bleeding. Someone obviously had no thought for my son as they pulled those off, but he was dying anyway! I noticed a lot of that sort of attitude in that unit, so different from the previous ICU.

Photo source http://www.neurowavesystems.com/

And so it was the night of December 2nd. I had gone , as usual walked to the unit with my husband about 10 pm. The Lombardi clan hovering in the corridors talking tacos. I had no wish to see.

Nikki was exhausted , having to breastfeed the baby and dealing with everything. Jim had brought the baby up to the hotel. Nikki hadn’t any pajamas and had purchased a pair at the gift shop. Unlike my lime green creation I had purchased, the one pair she had to buy was two piece pink, chocolate and white striped . I remember thinking they reminded me of Neapolitan ice cream.

I was surprised , as we headed to the unit to see two of Chris’ high school friends. What were they doing there????? , Apparently, Angela had been sending out texts

“if they wanted to see Chris before he died they should come”

I cannot honestly remember what I said to them , but I don’t think I was very pleasant. However, it explained why Chris’ nurse was flustered as we walked into our son’s room

“You know there are visiting hours we can’t have all you people coming in and out all night long”

I explained who I was and why I would be sitting there all night , at least until rounds in the morning. If they needed me to move I would but I would not be leaving my son. She explained that during her shift people had been in and out. I told her :

she would have to take that up with his wife because I certainly was against anyone coming into see him in this condition. He would have hated it.

My husband went back to the hotel room . I continued to sit in that glass bubble of a world, a young woman ( presumably a Doctor) would look through the glass at the monitors. I hoped Chris could hear me I hummed the lullabies of his childhood, talked softly as to how much we loved him, that Nikki and Jim were there., anything to try to give him comfort, trapped as he was, encased in machines.

My inner thoughts , I did not say outloud , I spoke them silently

” Please Chris you have to turn a corner soon , I just don’t know how much longer I can hold up, please Chris

Nurse Nicole , it was her first week in that particular ICU came in to say they would be bathing him and I could stay and help if I wished. I told her

No! he would hate me to be there for that and I would go and get something to drink and come back.

After a while I went back into the ICU , I asked whether they had been continuing the eye drops as his eyes were partially open and I had been told it could cause issues if they weren’t moisturized regulary after he came off the vent.

She went away to get an OK and came back, I said did she notice the urine bag had blood in it. No! that wasn’t like that before, I will check let me put the drops in. It was 3 am and she looked at me and said

“his pupils are fixed and dilated “

Fixed and moderately dilated pupils are seen in brain death because of the loss of both sympathetic and parasympathetic influences.

She then left to call for the head of the unit. All hell broke loose as a male Doctor , whomever he was , and the nurses as they came to our room, the man in the next room decided to have an episode and apparently passed. I waited and then the nurse said the Doctor had ordered a scan. I called Angela and told her what the nurse had said and waited.

It was 5 am by this time , Angela appeared at the desk with the Doctor, who had glanced into the room at that stats at least twice during the night . She and Angela chatted as if I didn’t exist .

Angela asked what was the prognosis?

OH ! this is the first night he had held his own

– Angela

Cool Beans! we now have to feed my boy

Dr. We have to do something about a bowel movement first

As I stood there like some peripheral groupie I mentioned the scan and that

“the ICU nurse was very concerned as his pupils were fixed and dilated and had called the Neurologist for a scan”

The Elephant Run-by Chris Ritchey

Two faces and pairs of eyes ” in the know medical (Drs.?) turned and looked at me like I was some sort of “ignorant irritant”

That young woman. presumably a Doctor, – I don’t remember her name just her face- I had seen it through the early morning hours looking at the monitors through the glass – never once coming into the room – said:
”

Oh I am not worried he is on a boat load of medication

Giggles from the “Dr. to be Ritchey ( Angela)

Oh! he is on enough medication to fill up an elephant heehehehehee!

I had such a bad feeling but I had to sleep, I left them chatting and went back to the room . I went to the chaise lounge by the window where I could see his room across the way. I fell instantly into a desperate sleep only to be woken by Nikki-

Mum you have to go back

– I said

Nikki I can’t- I can’t even stand

and she said

Mum, you have to something is wrong- I will come down as soon as Jim gets here to take Gavin

I rushed through the hallways- to this day I have no idea what clothes I had on…. I found my son’s room empty of the usual “clan”– no one was with him I went in- a new nurse said

You are wanted in the conference room for a family meeting

-I said

my husband is there I am not leaving my son alone I promised him-

Nurse

YOU HAVE TO GO!

I looked at this officious nurse and said

“I DON’T “HAVE” TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING I AM NOT LEAVING MY SON ALONE!

It was then Nikki arrived – still in the Neapolitan pajamas purchased from the hospital gift shop- like some bizarre clown outfit. I remember thinking Chris would find it funny.

She said:

Mum you go I will stay with Chris I promise

The meeting that day was about taking Chris off the vent they the hospital and they needed me there as they

“didn’t want any trouble”

They needed my permission as well as his wifes- I had the night before made sure that the staff were now aware that Nikki and I were also on his paperwork.

The Doctor, who chatted about bowel movement and holding his own just 2 hours previously was now saying his brainstem ( after looking at the scans) had collapsed and he was effectively brain dead.

Brainstem death is a clinical syndrome defined by the absence of reflexes with pathways through the brainstem – the “stalk” of the brain, which connects the spinal cord to the mid-brain, cerebellum and cerebral hemispheres – in a deeply comatose, ventilator-dependent patient. Identification of this state carries a very grave prognosis for survival; cessation of heartbeat often occurs within a few days, although it may continue for weeks if intensive support is maintained.

The Dr. explained what would happen and our options and what each option would mean when they did this-one option being surgery to release the pressure on the brain. What ever they did they were going to have to wait until one of the medications which paralyzed him wore off so it would be a little while.

NOTE: I cannot write anymore as the dying time took all day and horrors of heartbreak and ignorance continued to pummel me and my family. There was no kindness in this dying … I will have to continue on the next 3rd

to be continued……..

June 3, 2022 at 11:17 am 3 comments

May 3rd – NO LIMITS-Chapter 28- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

THE DYING TIME

NOTE: You would think , after all these years, I would have built up some immunity to the rawness emotions of what happened in those last few hours and days .

You would be wrong it is yesterday in my world. I find, as I writing, I am sucking in breaths, gasping for air, eyes fill with tears and my heart races. I can only brave the act of reliving in short stages. I have to stop, walk away and come back for a few minutes.

I don’t know how to write these memories of those hours. Will I even be able to put my pain on a page, relieve it in entirety or become clinical and write just the medical journey with the inclusion of the Lombardi’s contribution to my end of days as a mother of my son?

I suppose I will find out along with the reader.

https://www.healthcareitnews.com/

As he was moved to the new Medical ICU room with new staff and strangers, I shivered the room was the corner room looking out toward the hotel where I had been staying. I could see his room from my hotel room, the light softly glowing in the early morning morning hours. I had called my daughter and son-in law. My husband went to meet them in the lobby to show Nikki where to come whilst Jim took Baby Gavin to the room to wait.

I must have looked very strange as I waited ,away from the “Clan of Lombardis” by myself in the waiting room, as a young man in scrubs came up to me put his arm around me and started explaining something about

“blood gases elevated C02 levels ” .. hypercapnia… How Chris gases were compromised by the move. “

I had absolutely not a clue as to what he was saying , It was though I was deaf and trying to read his lips.

Who was he? What was he doing in my world ?

At that moment my daughter burst into the waiting room ran toward me , as she did so she apparently overheard the one sided conversation and as I said I must have looked dreadful.

The next thing she “melted “on the floor, collapsing to her knees, just folded up at she reached out to me and I reached forward to her. The young man caught us both somehow and said :

“please, it is alright no-one ever died from Co2 levels, we will get the levels corrected. I will take care of him!

The rest is a blur, since no-one in the family could stay in Chris room that night, and I was panicked

“How was I going to get him through that 3 in morning time slot , I so dreaded.

The flawed Hand of the Healer by Chris Ritchey

We went back to the hotel room to wait. There was a chaise lounge , I laid on it looking out across the way to Chris room and pulsating light as , I assume, people would come and go doing what they were supposed to do, injecting him with insulin, Heparin and too many drugs I couldn’t pronounce.

Nikki took the baby and laid on the bed, Jim grabbed a pillow and blanket and slept fitfully on the floor. Actually I have not a clue where my husband slept or even if he did, I am presume in one of the arm chairs.

I waited until morning, I had decided

this was enough no more were the Lombardis and their clan going to make the decisions, I was done with them and his bride.

I showered , got dressed and for the first time put on some make-up. My husband had already beaten me to it and had checked on Chris and called from the the floor to tell me

Chris stats had improved.

I went to the unit, didn’t check in with the reception station to get permission , no-one was going to stop me that morning!

I knew Angela would be in there for the Doctors rounds and that morning I was going to be part of the discussion. Unfortunately , Angela and the Doctors were already meeting behind the “glass wall”. I saw a familiar face, it was Dr. R.A of the Thanksgiving Day ” dying discussion”. She recognized me too, asked how I was.

I said:

a little better as I had been told Chris’ levels and stats were improving

Dr. R. A looked annoyed

WHO told you that? It is definitely NOT what is happening his organs are shutting down , he has had a series of “episodes” and it isn’t good , as I told you last week”

Why haven’t I been told? Why has this been kept from his family?

We tell his wife everything ( Dr. Ritchey) she has been given the complete information, it is up to her to inform the rest of you

And at that statement what was left of me, the person I always was came to the fore. I felt a strength in my voice I hadn’t had for weeks

” Well obviously there has been some sort of breakdown in the information given to us or apparently NOT given to us by his wife and her family.

You, and the hospital and this unit had better check my son’s paperwork because it is written and signed by him ( of which I have a copy at home.) that his sister and I are named in his Living Will , signed at South Pointe Hospital and we both are on that form ( notarized) as to any medical decisions and information is to be given to us directly!

Oh, she said, I will make sure the staff and unit are informed

With that she walked away and I still shaking with fear for my son and with anger left the unit to tell MY family .

Later on , after I had gathered myself together , I went back down to the unit , again by passing the harridan at the reception desk and

there it was my nightmare of 13 months previously ……playing out in front of me…. MY PREMONITION come to pass!!!!

E. Munch- 1895

No LIMITS – Chapter 4- Chris Ritchey

I awoke in the early morning hours of that first night after chemo, shaking, gasping for breath. I had a dream; it was so real.

I was in a room, in the middle of the room was an open casket in which lay my son and around this casket was Angela, her mother and father and strange people . I was drenched in sweat and tears, the realization it was a nightmare slowly came to the front of my mind.

It wasn’t a casket it was a hospital bed , but the way they had him laid out it might as well have been .

I still to this day don’t know who they all were- strangers to me ! And that was something that would have caused my son such anguish- after all he could no longer speak , they would never have dared to put him in that situation had he been able to communicate.

Angela and her mother sat holding court and allowed and embraced 8-9 people to hold a dying time…. ” death clutterers to ogle and text on their phones around his dying body” .

It was to me , it was disgraceful behavior and totally lacking respect and love on Angela’s part. I never wanted to see their faces ever again! I was sickened at the sight. I went to the foot of his bed and slowly pulled a sheet up over his lower limbs, covering the bags and bodily fluids draining from him.

Chris would have hated what was happening, being on show. He thought thought the graveside antics of the “Lombardi , Vyka , Gonzales, Gott or Zaworski at a young nephews graveside on that previous Christmas morning was despicable and told Angela at the time, when she came to pick him up for the “event”

“That is sick, no I am not going , I won’t be involved in that ! What are you thinking?”

I can only imagine what he would have thought of what I was seeing as he lay unable to throw them out, because he would have.

I hoped the induced coma meant he knew nothing of it. I wanted to grab them by the neck and throw them out on their ear myself. But I couldn’t for the sake of my son.

My face once again must have communicated what my thoughts were for Angela rose from her seat and said to the tribe

” I think we had better go………

to be continued

May 3, 2022 at 10:31 am 3 comments

April 3rd-No Limits – Chapter 27- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

The fog of remaining…….

I sit at this keyboard on a chilly spring day , trying to be brave enough to continue with this story. I am not brave I am jelly, everything about me is trying to run from these chapters , not to relive the most excruciating pain that, for most, is not to be imagined.

Chris Ritchey—- FOG

The extreme emotions that flood through body and brain whilst waiting for my son to pass from this existence were somehow blanketed and softened ,at the time, with a fog of surreality all the while begging for any sign of hope.

I know now, after these years of “living with the loss”, that feeling – disoriented, confused, in a fog are responses that are the brain’s attempts to dissociate itself from emotional pain.

The brain is built to perceive an existential threat as a threat to our very existence. This triggers what most people know as the “fight or flight” response. Stress hormones course throughout the body. “Your heart starts racing, your blood pressure increases, your respiratory rate increases, you become sweaty, as the body marshals defenses for you to protect yourself, one way or another,” https://www.heart.org/en/news/2021/03/10/how-grief-rewires-the-brain-and-can-affect-health-and-what-to-do-about-it?msclkid=779cd4c4b1d211ec9c8f2a31ff281e84

I haven’t the words to explain those last days , hours blended into a few minutes of conscious thought and movement whilst trying to disappear into another world of existing elsewhere……. anywhere…. besides that waiting room and those people.

Robotic responses , a feeling of being crushed, enveloped in some sort of claustrophobic existence, all the time wanting to scream, run , and trying with all my heart for a solution a way to save my son.

People moved in and out of my world that week, broken by surfacing to what was my horrific reality . The only time I had any peace was alone in the the ICU room 6 listening to the breathing of the machine, holding his hand , singing softly when I could the lullabies from when he was a baby . The nurses told me he could probably hear me and I would look at his heart rate and when it slowed from its “rushing pace” I knew he knew my presence.

The times Nikki was able to come , his heart rate slowed and he relaxed….. Nurse Heather….. who always held out hope for me, from rolling a neck pillow for under his neck, because

“after being so long in one position when the patient woke and was off the ventilator it would help with the stiffness”.

That small act and her caring of my son as a person not a lab rat gave a glimmer of peace. Heather would add eye drops to lubricate his eyes . When Nikki would enter the room and talk to Chris and his body relaxed she said,

Oh! I wish she could stay all day, it is the only time he doesn’t fight the ventilator .

For the next couple of days we drifted in and out of hope. It was about 1 in the morning, I would sit next to Chris all night, you see I had this phobia of sorts, that if I could let him know I was there and get him past “three in the morning” he would survive another day .

I know how that sounds but I had a morbid dread of that hour I sat quietly holding his hand, watching his stats on the monitor, listening to every breath. He seemed to be sleeping, but then he squeezed my hand so tightly I was shocked, he hadn’t reacted to my holding his hand that way , I wasn’t sure what he needed.

hands – artwork Chris Ritchey

Thinking he was in pain I rang for the nurse, two came in , one male nurse I hadn’t seen before and another who I had only seen once before. , the male checked the ventilator and the other spoke to Chris. asking him if he was in pain

It was the last time I saw my son respond , with a slight shake of his head. A few moments later as I looked at the monitor his heart rate dropped from the 134 to 89,

I said:

his heart rate has dropped

They ignored me, went on checking fluids , Iv’s etc. Then went up again and then it fell again I said:

his heart rate has dropped again

the male nurse said

” that is what we want it to do”

but then it went back up again. I could tell I was being “dismissed”

Chris, seemed to settle back into a rhythm and around 8 am I went back to the room to try and sleep , knowing we had come through another night .

NOTE: Talking to physicians afterwards, I was told that slowing of the heart rate was probably due to him having a stroke. Also the fact that he had pin prick holes in his lungs that were turning leather like and the pressure of the vents forcing air was of course a reaction with the lungs.

“The machine uses positive pressure to force air into your lungs. Think of standing in front of a leaf blower.”

We had sort of settled into a rhythm ourselves, the Lombardi Clan and I. I would take the night shift or when no-one else could be there . I suppose they were avoiding me as much as I wanted to avoid them. The Drs. made their rounds in the morning and that was when Angela would be there . I would wait for what she was told or what the nurses would tell me later.

My physical being , as well as my emotional being was suffering . 10 days of barely two to three house of sleep in 24 was taking its toll. Sitting in the chair by the bed , scared to move, had made my legs and ankles swell so badly I would have put bags of ice on my feet to put my shoes on.

The type of hospital masks we were required to wear, as they were concerned about H1N1, rubbed the tender spot under my nose. I wore them for so many hours I ended up with raw spots between my nose and upper lip, as days went on it got worse. The nurses helped with some ointment , but I believe stress wasn’t helping the situation.

When I came down to ICU again, the morning after the heart beat drop, all hell had broken loose. Nurse Heather coming out into the corridor , the Lombardi Clan mingled, agitated gestures and outraged behavior met me . I couldn’t fathom what was going on.

Nurse Heather, walked through them -faced me took my hands in mine looked me straight in the eyes, tears filling hers and said

” I am so sorry”

I thought Chris must have passed without me by his side, but why were the faces of the Lombardi clan so animated with annoyance?

Apparently, before I arrived to the Neurological ICU where Chris had been admitted due to lack of space in the Medical Unit, Sue Lombardi had been making her rounds in the ICU again bothering nurses and going into Chris’s room and discussing his condition and asking questions as to the current situation etc. etc.

Chris’s stats and heart rate would climb when she was in the room and the Nurses on duty informed Angela :

her mother was not helping him and interfering, bothering other nurses and asking questions about other patients in the unit and could she not enter ICU alone anymore.

That had set off the “Clan” and Angela ( Dr. in resident) insisted Chris be moved from the Neurological Unit to the other floor and the Medical Unit. I had no say , to be honest I was still trying to fathom what was going on.

Days previously, a resident came to talk to me from the Medical Unit- they had room for Chris , Angela had declined and apparently something had upset the resident. Later that night a Doctor from the unit came in , asked me if I was Chris mother. Yes. They wanted “MY” permission to bring Chris into the unit .

I said:

if his wife said no and well she is a resident and knows more than I – I would have to go along with her decision.

I am not sure what that was all about but it seemed strange that now all of a sudden the move she had fought initially was happening because her mother was upset with the nurses in the Neurological Unit – nothing was making any sense.

I went into his room a nurse was there sticking pins in his foot and hand. She looked at my face and said I am sorry but he has had a stroke , his lung had also collapsed .

I stood there incredulous, the fog overwhelming me again. I was then told Angela and family ( what the hell was I?) had NOW requested Chris be moved to the Medical Unit.

They were getting ready to take him off the vent in order to transport him. I looked at the nurse and said :

isn’t that dangerous wouldn’t that put his body through more stress.

She just looked at me and gave a slight shrug and a smile I can only describe as sympathetic.

The next thing, I was asked to wait in the corridor . I did. Chris was put into an elevator . They had to manually pump the oxygen into his lungs as he went into the elevator his heart rate was registering 169 .

but the Lombardi’s had their way ……..

Angela , Sue and Tim Lombardi

To Be continued…….

April 3, 2022 at 2:39 pm 4 comments

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Cleveland – The Dying Time

NOTE: Two years ago today I started writing Chris’ story of his life and time on this poor planet . I cannot begin to tell you the toll these last few chapters have taken upon my very being.

I have to write at night when all is quiet and I am alone with my tears and gutting pain, trying to swallow back the emotions that erupt out of the very depths of me. It is painful and torturous but I promised and I will keep that promise to my son.

despair. by Chris Ritchey

Chris spent a few days being tested after returning to Cleveland , getting fluids. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving . I had spoken to Chris on the phone the night before , he wanted to come home for a few days but could he come to our house as he didn’t want to add to Nikki’s work, as she had the baby.

I said that was fine, have Angela drive him here if he was a bit wobbly to drive and I would get a room ready and etc.

On that Friday I was in K Mart getting new bedding and towels, groceries that I knew he would eat etc. for him and anything thing else I could think of to make him comfortable for when he came home. I knew that his dog Misty would help , they so loved each other and Misty missed him terribly.

My mother and I were just getting ready to go through the checkout when Angela called on my cell phone . I became a little confused as she said:

“Chris, said that you were going to come to the apartment and stay the night with him as I have to be on duty”

This was the first I had heard of it , but I didn’t say anything, maybe Chris had not told her he had wanted to come home . I would ask him when I saw him. I went along with her and said

Yes I can come , what time

she said she needed me there by 6.

Ok I will bring him supper and will be there at 6.

I went home made arrangements and took the food up with me. When I arrived, just before 6, Angela had already left . Chris was lying on the couch looking dreadful. He hadn’t eaten so I thought maybe he needed some nourishment . He ate in silence and then said :

Mum, you will have to go down and let this guy in he is coming to bring an oxygen tank

Why? what is going on, what happened I thought you were coming home, I don’t understand.

Well it seems he never told Angela about wanting to come home because he had started having difficulty breathing they went to South Pointe again. They prescribed oxygen to help with the breathing, they though he might have the flu.

Oh that damned flu shot , I didn’t think it was the flu I thought that shot is giving a false reading

but then I thought

it can’t be that bad they would have kept him in.

The man with the oxygen tank arrived, hooked up this cylinder type tank and Chris looked a little better. After he left Chris wanted to watch a movie . I remember his words so clearly , he was trying to put on a movie and the exertion of going across the room took everything he had.

“This is like drowning must be, not being able to breathe is so dibilitating , it is worse than the cancer. Mum what ever don’t let me be pathetic because I am pathetic now”

Oh Chris you aren’t pathetic, you are wonderful I love you and this is the flu.

In my heart of heart I knew this was not the flu. I didn’t know what to say or do I just sat an watched the tv screen, I couldn’t even tell you what the movie was. I just sat in the chair wanting to scream out loud to the gods, to fate, to whomever and desperatly trying not let my son see I was petrified for him.

He would dose off for a few minutes and then wake fitfully. About 11 pm Angela called:

She said that she had been speaking to her father and mother and they decided they needed to get Chris back to Houston.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing

Angela, and her parents were making arrangements to put Chris on a damned train to Texas. They had made arrangements for Chris to leave at three ( four hours from now) she would be home to help get him packed and help to get to the Amtrack station and take a train to Chicago , change trains to Austin and then it was ONLY a three hour drive to Houston!

I was incredulous what were these people thinking ? This young man dragging around an oxygen tank, had to have help getting to the bathroom. He couldn’t even make it downstairs.

For Christ sake those parents might be intellectually challenged, in my opinion, but Angela was a resident soon to be physician, she had to know that would kill him a journey like that !

Was I supposed to go with him him in 4 hours with just an overnight bag. I really couldn’t credit what I was hearing , surely they did not expect Chris to drag around on his own.

I said there was no way that would be possible.

Chris overhearing the conversation was desperate to get back to Houston, he thought they were his only hope and he would fight to get there .

I knew it would be disasterous to even attempt that journey and for ONCE in this whole fisaco of Lombardi-ism I put my foot down and said NO! that was not going to happen.

I told Chris,

“Look there is no way either of us could make that journey and I WILL be going with you , trust me on that . I will start calling around for options in the morning , if I have to charter a plane or hire an ambulance or drive a damned RV to Texas myself I will.”

He said

you can’t drive to Texas

I will do what ever needs to be done I will call Dr. Younes in the morning and see what HE suggests.

He then slept for a little and I sat up with him all that night watching every rise and fall of his chest, every whince, every sound………

That was the first night of two weeks of not sleeping for more than three hours at a time………………………….

January 3, 2022 at 2:12 pm 1 comment

Dec 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 23- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

OHIO

I was emotionally exhausted after the flight home from Houston although, I was thrilled the news was good but terrified at what I was seeing with my own eyes as to how Chris “looked”. to these mother’s eyes.

The “plan” was Chris and Angela would drive back stopping at various sights along the way and be back for a few days in Ohio and then the return drive to Houston for ongoing treatment.

I drew Angela aside and begged Angela:

‘Please , please leave the truck here and fly back here, the Doctor at MD Anderson didn’t think it wise for Chris to do that journey, can’t you talk with him he will listen to you if YOU say you want to fly back!

Angela’s quiet reply: because Angela never spoke loudly

Chris, will be just fine driving back to Ohio.” We will take it easy

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

It was going to be a lot of driving but I hoped that once Chris was home home Nikki and I could persuade Chris to fly back and we would rent him a vehicle.

He was taking so many drugs, not eating and to counter the effects I found he was taking exlax like candy. It was just 36 hours later after I left Houston I received a call from Angela saying they were stopping for the night in Jackson Mississippi

It was later the next day I received another call, she had had to take Chris to the local ER for fluids, he had collapsed! The Doctors there wanted to admit him but they declined saying they wanted to get back to the Clinic. I said

“Angela you can’t continue driving if he is that ill, book a flight, you have the money from the fundraiser that will will cover that cost , can you drive the truck to the airport and park it? I will have his dad and uncle fly down and drive the truck back, that will put Chris’ mind at rest re the truck .

Angela “What about the keys we can’t leave them , can you pick up the spare set from my mother at the bank?

I said I would .

Arrangements were made . I went that afternoon to the bank where Sue Lombardi worked to pick up the keys. She walked acrosse the lobby with a silly grin on her face

“Tim and I will pick up Chris and Angela and take them back to their apartment “

I was fuming underneath knowing I should have pushed more to stop that drive back. I was barely able to speak more than two or three words incase I said something that couldn’t be taken back.

Her daughter the Doctor, had she no common sense? Side trips to Memphsis indeed when her husband was downing pain pills for which she was getting the prescriptions . She had to see how his driving was terrible and anger flare ups in traffice in Texas. More than once seeing his “road rage” I would remind him

Chris, these guys have guns on their trucks and you calling them “dick head” and driving like you are , you are going to get me shot…

I dropped off my husband and brother in law at the airport , drove home and waited .

Finally Chris called me from the Lombardi’s car and said they had been picked up and would call me the next day.

He did call me the next day but not from the apartment , he was back in hospital at South Pointe, where Angela was a resident and getting those prescriptions filled that I was worried about.

It was an I am OK mum and getting fluids sort of call. I told him his truck was nearly back in Ohio , his dad and uncle had driven straight through and they would leave his truck at it at Nikkis,as it was safer there will all the items they had had to leave.

I was surprised a half an hour later when Chris called back, the inlaws and Angela had left and he said he was alone and wanted to talk to me .

“Mum, I am appreciative of everything you did in Texas

I said:

I know that Chris you don’t have to thank me

He continued :

But I was so mean to you

referring to the altercation we had when Angela had lied to him and he thought Nikki and I were excluding her .

SEE Chapter 17 of No Limits

I responded :

Chris I am your mother , you are allowed to be mean to me , I understand what you are going through , the lack of control over your own life , the anger – it is OK I love you !

He said :

You were right I should have stayed in Houston, I shouldn’t have come back to the apartment….. there are so many bad memories – I should’ve stayed in Houston and I love you mum I should’ve listened

I said

Chris, it is no good dwelling in hindsight….. we will get through this I will see you Friday . I love you

As always he said
”

I love you too”

I hung up and burst into tears…..

I can still hear his voice in my head , I can bring those words to the fore of my memory as if he were speaking them to me in the present time and day.

That is probably because it was the last time I ever heard him say those words out loud…… a mother clings to every bit of her child and his life and voice that she can.

Note as I sit and type this day of December 3rd 2021- it is the anniversary of his passing and so I am defeated I have to leave the keyboard and the desk and release the pain and heartache.. I can write no more today the emotional incontinence that overwhelms on this day cripples and crushes my very core. … until the next chapter……. and Chris I still love you with all my being……

December 3, 2021 at 2:14 pm 5 comments

June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights- continued

I can’t begin to put into words how stressful it was for both of us , those days and nights. Chris and myself “pretending everything was normal “ skirting around issues we both knew were uppermost on our minds. Wanting to talk but not wanting to say out loud our fears, maybe that way we could hope a little longer.

Not everything was rosy , mother and son facing a terrible unknown locked together in a small apartment. .Chris tired and in pain. I knew it wasn’t me he wanted with him. I found a note that Angela had left behind in a desk drawer, Chris was hurt and disappointed she was leaving Texas and it was me that would be with him.

I knew my presence in Texas only confirmed that he was dying of Cancer, I was a constant reminder that he needed a care giver ( although you felt he could manage on his own to deal with side effects of a trial drug and Cancer) he would’ve preferred that it would have been his wife, not his mother to be with him.

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

As a wife, I couldn’t have left my husband knowing that he was living under a death sentence and had been since August 29th -but that was Angela’s choice.

I could never understand Angela’s way of thinking, but tried to make allowances , she too was dealing with a terrible situation in her young married life. I couldn’t believe that even during this awful, hopeful , chaotic time she would still try to manipulate a situation and lie as she had done with Nikki and Chris and the engagement ring episode.

Chapter Three :

March 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 2 – Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

October 8th: One month in and the façade came crashing down, we were due to come back to Cleveland for a few days . I made arrangements to still keep the apartment as they were so difficult to find. To me, it was worth paying for it to be empty rather than going through the hassle of moving and or finding something else.

This one particular day we did have that heart to heart that horrible “truth revealing ” argument that shouldn’t have happened!

In the hours before that argument came to a head Chris and I had gone to get his prescriptions- he was tired and in a lot of pain- I said maybe I could pop into Borders ( which was across the way)

I would like to buy the new Dan Brown novel-

I could see he was impatient to get back so I didn’t push it. His mood was dour and his eyes narrowed and lips ( always a sign of anger) were tight. He had been on his cell phone to his wife, Angela, as we waited for his prescriptions. He drove back to the apartment in utter silence . He immediately went out by the pool in the apartment – I could see him sitting not moving. I decided he needed space -then Nikki called and said that Chris had hung up on her and was very angry.

“but leave him alone mum” he doesn’t want to talk.

I knew my son. I knew whatever it was would fester until he exploded – he was so much like me.

I went to the pool- he said

“I don’t want to talk”

“You don’t have to -you can listen- I need to talk to you”

I was never a crier before Hodgkin’s I was a fighter, a do-er – this blubbering fool that I have become is down to the helplessness and hopelessness that took away happiness. Chris never knew me as a “crier” before his illness – so as the tears fell he sat silently as I told him

Chris, being a mother of a son is so much harder than you can imagine – I have tried so hard to give you and Angela the space you both need in this terrible time. I KNOW Chris, that you are feeling that you have no control over what is happening to your body and your life- I know you need some control , another reason why I have tried so hard to stand aside- you didn’t need me in the mix as well -But I am going to honestly tell you now -if this had been Nikki and not you I would have handled things so much differently – just as Nikki is my child I would not have sat back and taken a back seat to decisions as I have with you and Angela.

You see when a son marries he brings into his life another woman- it is very difficult in the best of circumstances for a mother to sit back and watch decisions being made that in some cases I did not agree with in a normal situation- this terrible situation we find ourselves all thrust into makes it doubly hard. But I have deferred to you both and to her “medical expertise” with this obscenity of Hodgkin’s that has engulfed us. It has been one of the hardest things in the world for me not to interfere or to put in my two cents. There have been times Chris when I have doubted my own abilities and lost confidence in myself – I have gone against my own gut feelings and yet there is a voice that tells me to still be protective of you .

I have tried to give you both your space – to be there when needed and to shut up for your sake when I was totally against some decisions. I have tried for your sake because I love you so much I would do anything and sacrifice anything for your health and happiness.

I don’t know the reason why you are so angry with Nikki and I but you have to know neither of us would intentionally do anything to hurt you . We have tried to put you first in all our thinking – We love you always have and always will. “

With that I left the poolside and went back into the apartment. Chris followed a few minutes later and then it all came out ( as I knew it would) an argument and accusations the finding out of lies that were told

“we had excluded Angela in decision-making as to driving the truck back to Texas.”

He wanted to drive his truck back . I told Angela in an email ( which I have ) that it wasn’t a good idea him driving, he was having difficulty due to the side effects of SGN35 and I thought she should know since obviously you had been in Ohio since Sept 10th and hadn’t see the problems he was having even driving to Target let alone 1,700 miles.

I never received any response from Angela to my emails ( which I still have)

Chris was furious with me and Nikki

“You didn’t include Angela”

Me:

“What are you talking about – I included Angela”

CHRIS No you didn’t !

Me.

Would you like to see the emails?

CHRIS: “

Yes! I would”

Me.

So you are calling me a liar ?

CHRIS:

” Don’t give me that F…. shit if I want to see the email then I must be calling you a liar. There aren’t any emails Angela doesn’t lie!

I then pulled up the emails…. all of them sent to Angela –

ME:

Look at the dates and times Chris … now tell me I’M the one that lied…… she says here she wants to talk to you about it did she?

CHRIS:

Well she has been busy

ME:

she talks to you 4 or 5 times a day she couldn’t mention it but she could let you believe that Nikki and I didn’t include her?

He broke down cried….. my wonderful strong brave son reduced to tears not by cancer that night but by lies and manipulation

She, the loving wife and bride did that to him by trying to lie by omission … not me ….I held him and he said:

“did you ever think that I want to see something of the country if I am going to be dead in two years.”

My heart broke for him – I cried and we held on tight to each other and I said

Chris none of us know when we will die, the way you are driving lately we could end up dead on the way to hospital tomorrow ….

he laughed a little and I said:

Chris, I know the SGN35 is working, the lump on your neck isn’t visible and you haven’t coughed since Sept 21st.

That night he went and checked the lumps on his neck for the first time in weeks. Chris called Nikki back, she and Jim had talked and Jim would take time off work and drive back to Houston with Chris in his truck . He told Nikki he wasn’t really angry with her, just at the hopelessness and helplessness he was feeling. Once again Chris and sister reached out beyond the miles to each other.

After talking to Nikki he said he wanted to take a drive, we still had the hire car. He left- I wasn’t sure where and I was worried- he was in so much pain and on so many pills –

A little while later he came back ….. he walked in patted me on the head as a I sat in the chair and handed me a book as he walked to the bedroom – The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown…………

June 3, 2021 at 1:06 pm 6 comments

May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights- continued

I haven’t the words to eloquently or adequately explain the emotions that crash in and out of your being as you watch your child battle to stay alive. This enemy, came to conquer , not with guns , bombs or knives it was insidious in its will to win turning the very body of its victim against itself. Cells that were made large so the pumps of the body (lymph nodes) plug and distort. It circulated through the life giving blood stream through the lungs causing coughing that wracked the very body trying to deal with the attacks. Cancer in all its forms is and obscenity .

I tried so hard to keep cheerful, what 29 year old wants to be with his mother. I know he wanted Angela there knowing the trial was his last hope for a cure or at least remission. I know he wanted to spend what time he had left with her . I know I was the best of a bad deal . I argued with myself, stop watching his every move, deliberately giving him space, taking myself out to the pool side to read, even though I was petrified of the little gecko things running about the pergolas and tables, I didn’t scream when they ran across my foot or thought I was a roadway across a chair.

Chris, would spend time going to the rifle range or to Cabelas. We tried to see some of the area when we could and when he felt up to it. JD and Karen, had been out of town for a bit. Chris, after one of the infusions of SGN 35 could barely speak the the next day but when JD called he put strength into his voice so JD would not realize how poorly he was feeling.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to go out into the lawn area and have a silent cry by myself. Only I wasn’t by myself one of the other residents I had noticed sitting by the pool, looking as I must look, was there. She looked up and me as I was not winning the battle of holding in the tears and noticed she too was crying. She reached up to hold my hand and I sat down and there we sat for a long time. Two humans knowing nothing about each other, never speaking sharing the impact of cancer. I learned she too, was caring for her grown daughter as the husband had to stay in Indiana for his job and children. Her daughter was also on a trial at MD Anderson and a last hope.

Hands – Touching- Hands – art work Christopher Ritchey

On the good days we toured Houston. He had wanted to go horse back riding. I hadn’t been on a horse in 20 years ( I was then a lot thinner and in better shape) and Chris hadn’t ridden since he was a little one. I made arrangements for the following day. Of course, that night poured with rain and a warm front came dripping over Houston. I wrote on my blog at the time :

NOOOOOO!!! this isn’t a picture of the horse after I rode it. Whew! 90 degrees yesterday after a rain that could’ve floated a boat. My foray into the wild west “avec” plastic helmet. I realize that horse rentals have to protect their clients but you tend to lose heat through your head … just ask a politician 🙂 and when it is covered with plastic and foam OMG!!!! Anyway 2 hours later after riding through swamp and shrub and bush I now remember why cowboys are bowlegged.

Chris, had become very interested in life in Texas , so different from Lorain , Ohio. One of our days ( again in that heat) was spent at George Ranch Historical Park. It was fascinating seeing the 1830’s cabin and farm the humble beginnings to the 1930’s house “George Cattle Complex” . Of course then there was that oil that helped

“The discovery of oil on the Ranch in the 1920s changed the fortunes of the family and the community forever. The George’s son and only child died while just a toddler and their beloved cousin and presumed heir Mary died tragically when she was a young woman. With no living heirs and a considerable estate, the Georges established The George Foundation to ensure that their wealth would continue to benefit communities across the county into the foreseeable future. This charitable Foundation still exists and gives back today and helps bring you the story of the remarkable family who loved, grieved, rejoiced and lived on this enduring stretch of Texas prairie.”

It was a good day and Chris was enthusiastic. I was once again feeling like I would die from the humidity and heat at any moment but we laughed and enjoyed a day without the mention of Doctors or cancer . I would have put up with heat, humidity and wading across the little river filled with alligators just to see him smile and laugh .

Mothers and Fathers who are losing their child will do the deal with God, the stars , fate whatever they believe, ”

“take me instead let my son/ daughter have life and laughter and old age…………”

To be continued………

May 3, 2021 at 1:53 pm 3 comments

April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey

untitled

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston: Days and Nights continued:

Being able to sleep at night did not last long. Although, I was more relaxed because I could try and take care of Chris, see to his needs, cook for him I spent my days watching every nuance of his being, and nights listening to his cough and worrying.

After the first weekend we settled into a routine of trips to the hospital , taking the infusions and blood test. One of the protocols of the trial of SGN 35 involved writing down and filling in a daily chart as to his physical and mental responses each day, reactions to the medications etc.

A Pivotal Open-Label Trial of Brentuximab Vedotin for Hodgkin Lymphoma – Full Text View – ClinicalTrials.gov

Chris, understood, along with tests this questionnaire and his answers would be part of the decision making as to whether he would be able to continue with the drug/infusion SGN 35. And that is a problem, when you are told you last chance for a “cure” ( there is that word used by Dr. Brad Pohlman a couple of weeks prior basically giving Chris the death sentence) you will do anything to stay on the trial. Chris would duly fill out the questionnaire every day and turn it in on his appointment days. The problem is I know his pain level was NOT a three, that he was not having any significant side effects.

After the first week I went to the evaluation with Dr. Younes’ PA, she was extremely nice but was concerned as Chris had lost 4 lbs. since she had seen he and Angela that 1st week. I wanted to tell her that he probably had had nothing to eat but a plate of spaghetti for days but kept my mouth shut. I assured her I would be cooking his meals at least three times a day . When we met with Doctor Younes Chris asked him for a prescription for Oxycodone for pain. I watched the Doctors face

“You shouldn’t be feeling pain on that level, why are you on Oxycodone it isn’t in your notes….”

I immediately realized Chris had committed a grave sin in asking. I knew Angela had a prescription filled for him from the Clinic. I hurriedly stated.

Oh! he was given a few after the lumpectomy when they did the biopsy on his neck a few days ago and he was in a lot of pain after that surgery and that is why as the prescription was only for a few of them.

That seemed to satisfy the doctor. When Angela called that evening I explained what happened and that the Dr. had prescribed Darvon . I mentioned the Doctor was not happy with Chris being on the Oxycodone . She just giggled and said

don’t worry I will get Chris a prescription….. Darvon is nothing more than Tylenol and does nothing” .

Darvon

Well I wasn’t going to argue after all she was the 3rd year Resident. Apparently by this time Chris had developed a tolerance to pain killers. He told Angela the Darvon wasn’t doing anything and she said just double the dosage, until I come down next week . Keeping my mouth shut was getting more and more difficult.

Hurricane Ike had left its mark on many areas even a year later. We decided to take a drive to Galveston, I had been there with Nikki for dance competitions a few years previously and it was very interesting. Unfortunately, Ike had done a lot of damage and it was depressing . On the way Chris got a phone call from the Cleveland Clinic. The results of the compatibility test for his sister being a donor for the stem cell transplant were in. They asked if Nikki was his twin because the results were extremely good , very high and they usually don’t get those type of results except with identical twins

Breathing a sigh of relief as we now had another option in our arsenal we stopped for lunch. Our view of the sea front was dismal

The Flagship Hotel remains after Hurricane Ike destroyed most other businesses on the coastline in Galveston, Texas, Sept. 19, 2008. U.S. Sailors assigned to Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron (HSC) 28 embarked aboard the amphibious assault ship USS Nassau (LHA 4) are providing defense support to the city?s civil authorities. (U.S. Navy photo by Chief Mass Communication Specialist Chris Hoffpauir/Released)

There was one seafood restaurant open and we sat in the balcony over looking what was once the USS Flagship Hotel.

I deserved and needed a drink, something I don’t often do . The pier on which the Hotel was located obviously had been pretty hard hit . The waiter told us a lot of the business along the sea wall had not survived. Chris walked down along the beach and called Angela with the results from the Clinic and I sat on the bench and called Nikki. Once again HOPE!!!!!

To be continued

April 3, 2021 at 12:04 pm 1 comment

NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13

ED NOTE: These next chapters are among the most difficult to write. I have to “emotionally” pace myself so I can get through the memories both mentally and physically. . Those who have lost a son or daughter know that for the rest of your life you are locked into the “time of loss”. The days, week, months and years go by but you are held within the grasp of those last moments and times of your child’s leaving. You see, the part of you that was theirs dies too, you are not the same person you were and you never will be again. Your body adjusts, the brain tells you don’t go there, you learn to dodge the known triggers , the brain tries to protect, to stop the gutting grief from destroying what is left of you . Your mind goes into “protect mode” however, when revisiting those times intentionally in order to tell the story you are a raw and and the wounds open as the days of death once again are relived..

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights

I watched as Chris and Angela went through “security” at the Cleveland Airport. I hoped he would be able to get on the plane. H1NI ( swine flu) had reared its head and the airlines were on the lookout for anyone displaying symptoms . Since the Hodgkin’s tumors were making their presence known once more in his body he developed a cough as the lungs tried to expel the foreign body.

“Try not to cough Chris , that would be all we needed to be banned from the flight”

It had been a whirlwind of action since the phone call that morning and now I stood in the lobby of the airport drained, hopeful once again and yet wondering WHY?

Why was life being so cruel?

I had booked Angela and Chris into the Marriot Hotel near MD Anderson Cancer Center for three nights. I wasn’t sure how long the tests and interviews would take . I got a phone call from Chris that night to say they had arrived and were having room service ( was that OK? ) I told him:

I didn’t care they had my credit card information whatever makes life easier for you darling

We aren’t wealthy but I would have sold my soul for him and I would worry about the debts later.

The next day I did not leave the phone, finally Angela rang to say that although MD Anderson had also closed the trials for SGN 35 they were going to make a place for Chris on that trial as he fit the profile and he was going through a barrage of tests.

Cancer Clinical Trials | MD Anderson Cancer Center

Relief flooded back filling the void of fear once again. Then more good news, trials aren’t typically paid for by Health Insurance , again I would have sold my house if need be, but Angela being an employee of the Cleveland Clinic insurance did cover the trial even though Chris was not at their facility because he had been denied a place in the Cleveland Clinic Trial. I truly felt things may be falling our way.

After the tests they concurred Chris was right for the trial. By now we were at the start of the Labor Day weekend . Chris was set for more tests the following week and all being well the first infusion of SGN 35 on September 11th. I had contacted the family services people at MD Anderson to see about long term lodging. The hotel would be far to expensive over $230 per night at that time. I needed to get them somewhere comfortable and close.

The offices emailed me a list of about 50 hotels and apartments all of varying quality and prices. I had no clue about where anything was in relationship to the Cancer Center , nor did I know anything at all about Houston. I gave a short list to Angela to see if she could find out any more information.

Chris called that evening , the tests went well and acquaintances of both the Lombardi’s and actually of mine had interceded by phoning friends with whom they had been college roommates who lived in Houston. JD and Karen , these people were wonderful they took Chris and Angela under their protective wing and invited them to their ranch for the long weekend. I was thrilled , some normalcy for once. Chris was so happy I could have cried.

I found out that MD Anderson was huge bringing in patients from all over the world and the places available for short stay/ long stay accommodation were few and far between. I reserved a couple and asked Angela to check up on them for suitability . I lost two because “they were going to look after the weekend”

I couldn’t seem to make Angela understand this was probably NOT going to be an option. I received a call from the one Houston Apartment Corporate Housing. I had reserved a one bedroom apartment but they had someone else wanting it so I took it sight unseen. It was the Esplanade.

Angela was not very happy I had done that but I said

“you have to have somewhere to stay and Chris needs to be where he can rest. I have taken care of all the finances, all you have to do is bring your cases and get some food shopping “

It had been decided that Angela would stay until the night before his first infusion on the 11th but she would return to Cleveland on the 10th. I didn’t know what to say , I realized Angela would need to come back to sort out work and necessary details but I thought she would take time off to be be with Chris. After all this was a “trial” he was weaker than ever with the cancer coursing through his body, surely she didn’t intend for him to stay there by himself.

Angela said:“He will be fine…. there is a kitchen and he can order in pizza and JD and Karen had lent him a truck……he has to take ownership of his illness”

I was incredulous, like it or not my son was facing death and an unknown treatment. Nikki said upon hearing this :

“mum you have to go and be with Chris, he can’t handle doing this on his own” ” Who will see to it that he eats, that he is OK , you know how hard it was on him with the chemo….call an ambulance….”

I could see Nikki was also so worried so I left for Houston on September 12th, as Chris refused to let me fly on September 11th. I told him I would find my own way from the airport as he needed to rest after the infusion of the day before.

The night before I left Sue Lombardi and Tim arrived at my front door with a suitcase of clothes and essentials that Chris had asked Angela to get to me as he went to Houston with just a small bag .

Chris’s dog, Misty, was a loopy friendly bundle of happy, she loved everyone, we always joked if an intruder came to the house she would lick them to death

So I was shocked when Sue walked into the living room and Misty went mental, growling, teeth barred and barking definitely in a protective mode. Neither my husband or I had ever seen her demonstrate such behavior , she would not stop and it was very embarrassing. Finally realizing this was not stopping, my husband put her outside where she continued to bark as if the devils from hell were threatening us.

Looking back it may be because underneath all the smiles and nicety, nicety syrupy talk Sue was giving off vibes the dog could understand and saw her as a threat . I don’t know but Misty never behaved that way before or since or maybe she knew the true character of the woman who would cause us so much pain

To be continued……

February 3, 2021 at 1:12 pm 3 comments

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

ED NOTE: It has been one year since I started this journey of serialization of my book/posts on my son’s, Christopher Ritchey, journey. I had thought, initially, to intersperse the posts as usual with other posts, pertaining to life, Lorain, crime and politics. I have found I just do not have the energy and the apathy is all consuming . I have come to the sad realization what I think and my passions on those subjects just don’t matter and don’t make a bit of difference in the real world. However, my journey with NO LIMITS continues, as hard as these chapters are to write and reliving the journey of hope and no hope there is a light at the end of this journey . I will continue to tell of our journey with transparency and truths.

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter 12 : The Trial and Tribulations

The days following the biopsy found me sitting by the phone. I knew in my heart of hearts the news was awful but I clung to the hope they could be wrong, it had been known. I knew it was a foolish hope but you grab anything you can to hold onto.

Chris came to stay with Nikki that last weekend in August . He was so pale and quiet. I went over bearing his favourite food . Nikki told me he had been out in the woods for hours on his four wheeler , alone and not wanting to talk to anyone.

We waited, and when he came in I saw my son trying to put on a brave face. We all tried to act normally I sat with him at the kitchen counter , trying to eat . He was , for my sake, trying to force the food down. A friend of my son-in-law, oblivious to the situation, came in talking about the hunting season to come and new equipment he was planning to purchase. It was so normal and so damned surreal. Chris left the kitchen , I knew he was thinking

I probably won’t be here for that season.

I waited, trying to swallow my scream. Nikki came into the kitchen and said ”

Mum, Chris is not good, you had better come upstairs

I followed her up to the guest room, also now known as Chris’ room. He was laying on top of the bed and had broken down, the fear, the hope, the fact he would die crashing down on him and he could no longer put on a brave face that day .

I didn’t know what to say or do . I felt totally helpless. I sat on the bed next to him and Nikki was on the other side and we huddled and cried together. After a while I said , not knowing really what I was saying

“The three of us like this, Chris , is probably Angela’s worst nightmare”

Finally a weak smile and I said to my son , almost believing it myself

Chris , I will move heaven and earth to find another way another treatment, even if it means going to Germany or Europe

( I had heard they were making strides in Germany with Refractory Hodgkin’s)

Chris went back out into the woods riding and I went home to get on the computer and research.

I went home worried beyond reason for my beautiful son. The phone rang it was Angela’s mother Sue Lombardi wanting to know something inconsequential.

I said Sue:

I can’t even think about that know ( I can’t even remember what it was ) I have just left Chris and he is in a terrible state.

WELL! she said NOW YOU KNOW WHAT ANGELA HAS BEEN PUTTING UP WITH .

I couldn’t believe the sanctimonious, cold hearted cow!

PUTTING UP WITH , he is dying and scared and turning to his wife.. don’t talk to me .. putting up with ????

she said :

maybe putting up with wasn’t the right choice of words .

No! it wasn’t I am going now. I have things to of more importance to deal with

Finally Tuesday came when we once again sat in the offices of Dr. Pohlman. Chris sat alone on the side of the room, he had on his aviator glasses and cap was pulled down, as I looked at my son , knowing these glasses were his defense against the emotions he was feeling being shown to us. Nikki and I sat together and Angela drew up a chair on the opposite wall.

No-one said a word, and Dr. Pohlman of the diamond earing , white framed glasses , starched white coat and Italian leather shoes entered the room.

I was never keen on him , his bed side manner was decidedly lacking , but Chris liked him, why? I don’t know . As he sat down he looked at us , looked at the report and said coldly:

“This is bad, very bad. Your immune system, ( looking at Chris who had not moved but sat like stone) does not recognize the cancer. As your body deals with the good cells it is also helping the cancer cells . Another stem cell transplant , this would be a donor transplant in the hopes that their immune system would take over (allogeneic) is a remote possibility , but the insurance probably would not OK it.

Nikki , spoke ” well why can’t we try? “

Pohlman looked as if he had noticed her for the first time,

“and you are his sister? Well we could test you as a donor, are you willing “

“Of course I am willing I will do anything “

Polhman then continued.

Chris your only hope for a “cure” ( and yes he said the word “cure” )is to get on a trial for the drug SGN35 .

I finally found my voice,

how do we do that?

Unfortunately,

he said ( and this was the Tuesday morning after waiting for days for the results of the biopsy)

We.at the Clinic closed down the admittance to the trial of SGN 35 we have here on Friday and there are no more spaces available. I am not sure there are any openings around the country.

I was incredulous , this young man had been treated by them from the very beginning they KNEW the cancer had returned , they knew he would need options , they held out the hope again to only withdraw it coldly and clinically. I was so angry I couldn’t speak. Angela sat there ,

For god’s sake I thought Angela say something, you are a resident going to be a Dr. a member of the Cleveland Clinic yourself say something!!!!!This is your husband fight for him.

Angela said nothing, it was Nikki who spoke :

You are the Cleveland Clinic , the best in the nation, and you are telling me that Chris has been your patient all this time and you come in here offering nothing, just that a trial has closed, why didn’t you reserve him a space. You KNEW what those results were . and all you can say is “this is bad , very bad ” and there is a hope for a cure but not here . Then Where????? Don’t kick him to the curb, he is not a lab rat……

Chris’ face book page

I am not sure Polhman was expecting that , I know Angela looked shocked. Polhman was the big shot specialist, I am sure she wasn’t happy with Nikki questioning him. Polhman turned his hands outward in a gesture of “oh well” said that he would send his assistant to set up a test for Nikki and he would have them see if there were any openings for SGN 35 in other states , but the trials had all closed on the Friday . He had other patients he had to see.

As they all walked out I asked what about Europe, Germany , he looked perplexed. He didn’t know and was that an option. I said:

anything is an option to save my son’s life and walked out.

The rest of the day found Angela looking into options, contacting people she had been in medical school with. Nikki on the computer and I called family in the medical community , who dealt with Cancer research . They put me in touch with Chicago and Columbus trials, talking to Doctors, setting up appointments.

Angela had the best options with MD Anderson Houston Texas . She sent Chris records through to a friend who said they would get them to Dr. Younes who was doing the trial.

Wednesday morning , Nikki and I picked up Chris from his apartment and we went to the Clinic for them to be matched for a allogeneic transplant. This done we went back to his apartment, not really speaking . We stayed for a little while, I was so worried about Chris , he had lost hope. I left Nikki and Chris in the living room and went to busy myself making the bed incase he needed to rest. Nikki came flying into the room. Dr. Younes’ PA from MD Anderson was on the phone and they had an opening for an appointment the next day in Houston.

The next afternoon at two o’clock . OMG!!! the thoughts tumbled and whirled through my mind. Take the appointment , call the airlines, Chris call Angela , where is my credit card , get them on a flight, book a hotel near the hospital , get some money . By eight o’clock they were boarding a flight to Houston….

the roller coaster ride was starting up again

to be continued……..

January 3, 2021 at 2:27 pm 5 comments

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June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey

May 3rd – NO LIMITS-Chapter 28- Chris Ritchey

April 3rd-No Limits – Chapter 27- Chris Ritchey

The fog of remaining…….

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

Dec 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 23- Chris Ritchey

June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17

May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey

April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

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