Mothers | That Woman's Weblog

It is probably just as well we cannot remember our birthing process. The turmoil that a wee babe must go through, pushing out of their safe warm world, after lulled before our journey by the sounds of a mother’s heartbeat, struggling through a narrow constricting tunnel as we are squeezed and pushed, with pain, into a bright and cold world, strange noises that must assail our little ears and sense .

Is it any wonder we cry as we breathe our first?

And then there it is, we are laid on a soft warm breast and once again our mother’s heartbeat, reassuring in its lullaby of life, confirms we are safe. Wrapped in softness we are held in the arms of our giver of life. We shared that heartbeat, the DNA that made us who we are was shared for those 9 months and crossed through the placenta, give and take of the process of coming into being. Cells from the mother and the child are shared between and remain in a mother’s body. The process is called

Fetal-maternal microchimerism

The placenta generally serves as a bridge between the fetus and the mother for exchange of nutrients and wastes. But that is not all that crosses this bridge—fetal and maternal cells can cross between the two organisms intact. While maternal cells do end up in the fetus, significantly more fetal cells are transferred to the mother. The result is that the mother carries a small number of foreign cells belonging to her fetus within her body—hence the name “microchimerism.” While these non-maternal cells are few in number in comparison to total number of maternal cells, evidence suggests that these transplanted cells can actually remain for long after the end of gestation. In fact, derivative fetal cells have been found in the mother’s body up to 27 years ( if not more) after pregnancy.

Fetal Microchimerism

It is a fact….

If you are of the religious persuasion “the essence” that makes me, ME and you-YOU and not just a clone being – sometimes referred to as the “soul” in those religious doctrines .

I have listed just three religious beliefs about the “ensoulment of the child” , there are many more but like all things in religion there doesn’t seem to any across the board agreement :

The soul enters the fetus at 120 days (4 months), as established by the Hadith. ( Radd al-Muhtar ala Durr al-Mukhtar 1/202) Thus, when the age of the unborn child reaches 120 days (4 months), it no longer remains a lifeless object; rather, it is a living human being.

eshaykh.com/quran-tafsir/when-does-ruh-enter-fetus

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/when-babies-get-their-souls

Aquinas was correct that the unborn receive their souls at conception; he was merely mistaken on when conception was finished, due to the science available. As modern medicine has shown, conception in humans occurs almost instantaneously, as soon as the sperm and the ovum unite. This may occur as soon as twenty minutes after the marital act.

And those of the Jewish Faith have their own beliefs:

Most often in Jewish sacred literature, a fetus in the womb is considered a human life “under construction.” The soul is usually described as arriving when the first breath of life is taken at birth. The primary Jewish imagery for the beginning of life comes from Genesis 1:2, where breath hovers above the waters of earth before life emerges from that cosmic womb. Then, in Genesis 2:7, after the body of Adam is fashioned from the clay of the earth, G*d is described as breathing life into him. These stories frame the basis for the Jewish view that the fetus gains full human rights and status only once the baby’s head has emerged from the birth canal [Ohalot 7:6].

There is one Talmudic passage in which a Greek philosopher presses a rabbi on this issue until–probably for the sake of peace with the Greek occupiers of the Land of Israel–the rabbi accedes to the prevailing view in Greek culture that the soul is present from conception. This concession did not, however, change the Jewish perspective that the activation of the fetus’s status as a human with full human rights still occurs upon birth……..

.http://www.reclaimingjudaism.org/teachings/when-does-life-begin-jewish-view

Essence – Chris Ritchey

Since my journey through “hell on earth” began I haven’t any faith in “organized religion” – as such . I prefer what I feel to be true and science. However, maybe a baby shares his/hers mother’s ( essence) soul until the DNA or whatever changes him her from a cluster of exploding cells to our daughter or son.

I don’t have any answers, just questions, and I am not saying “anyone’s’ beliefs are wrong”. I just know, like other mothers before me, there is, for want of a better word, an intuition we carry and a knowing .

For instance my daughter, who was told she wouldn’t have children (which was devastating to her and her husband) I KNEW she was pregnant . I told Chris who became so angry at me:

“Mum. don’t you dare say anything to Nikki you know how rotten she feels about not being able to have kids”

So I said nothing until two smiling and bright faces appeared in my living room weeks later..

“We are pregnant”.

I specifically said:

“Let me tell Chris. “

I called Chris and said ” I told you so ……. Nikki is having a baby”

How did I know my daughter was pregnant weeks before she knew herself? I told my mother and Chris who both chastised me because a few months before the “specialists” had told her she would never have children.

You couldn’t know that, how did you know?

I don’t know Chris I just knew ..

Maybe it was that Fetal-maternal microchimerism .

However, as I gloated that I was right …. that horrible thought I had when I looked into Chris eyes at two days old also came to the fore – Chris was part way through his Stem Cell Transplants at the time. .

Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking

” He has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”

and then dismiss it with
“Why ever did I say that”

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/when-premonition-becomes-hindsight-part-two/

I also knew and told a doctor Nikki was pregnant with her 2nd child … he laughed at me and I said trust me on this and she was!

There are many other happenings which I will expand upon in the forthcoming “alpha” chapters. But for now I struggle to make sense of anything.

I will tell you, as I watched the blood slowly drain from my son’s face , watching his heart stop – I died too. At least the woman and person I was before that instant of death. It was also the death of “hope”

I am never going to be the same , he was gone but part of him still lived emotionally and physically within my heart and “essence”. We continued to share, even though his poor cancer ridden body was just a shell. No more laughter, anger, intelligence , love, happiness, sadness , strength or essence was left to us that was Chris.

darkness of grief Kathe Kollwitz

In that moment of death, there was another birthing – a birthing of grief.

A birthing of another person- that took over from what I used to be. And after all the months and years it hasn’t “changed or become better. The Loraine that I was is lost somewhere, but no longer here. There isn’t a word for a mother who loses her child . There isn’t any tidy little “word box” to describe us . I believe because we are indescribable .

My memories, after he passed that afternoon are pixels, fragments, broken flashes of memory , a brain that was no longer functioning properly.

There was a wheelchair, there was the hotel room, a phone ringing . Lombardis talking to Nikki .

Chris had been dead less than an hour and yet they had already made the appointment for the Funeral Home for 10 am the next morning to discuss arrangements.

Decisions in that hotel room were being made as to who would drive my car. Who would take the bags, wheel me down to the elevator, our little family was reeling , going rom one thing to another, not functioning but the Lombardis were on top of their control game.

I rode home with Nikki I don’t know where anyone else was, Jim, Gavin ( the baby ), my husband, had someone told my mum?

I have no memory I only know I wanted to call my oldest friend , Mike, in Chicago .I needed to hear an English voice for some reason , one who had shared my childhood and happiness of those days.

I walked, well fell, in the front door into my home that evening and dissolved………

To be continued…..

August 3, 2022 at 12:44 am 2 comments

July 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 30- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/

OMEGA

Any words I have left in me are inadequate to describe the utter denial, disbelief , unreality I felt on that last morning of December 3rd. As I walked out of the conference room, the words from the “Doctor” stating we would have to waIt until the paralyzing drugs wore off before they could remove Chris from life support, seemed hollow , without emotion and echoed in my brain, I felt not a part of my own body . I was elsewhere wanting to wake up to a different reality . This can’t be our reality!

I wanted to run away , leave this place of clinical formality, take my son , I saw the relief on the faces of the Lombardi Clan as I agreed to removing Chris from the machines. I agreed with the impossible hope that maybe , he would prove them wrong but also because my son had asked me ”

“Mum don’t ever let me end up being pathetic”

I never wanted to look on the faces of Tim, Sue and Angela ever again. In my mind they were no longer part of our lives. Little did I know they weren’t done with Chris and his family yet, their controlling behaviour would reach out even through the death of Chris , in order to have their own way.

We went into Chris room, Nikki was there in those damned pajamas , talking to him.

“Chris you came home to see me anytime, I love you……”

I wasn’t understanding did she not realize he wouldn’t be ever coming home again?

A nurse ushered out of the room into the room next door, where just a few hours before the patient had caused all the alarm in the night had apparently died. We were told to wait as we couldnt be in the room whilst they “unhooked” Chris .

The room was bare, the bed and machines cleared away. I was in there with Sue Lombardi, Angela and Tim.

I wondered where my husband was , Nikki , Jim???Why was I in that horrible room with these people. I was about to leave when the tellvision, fixed to the wall came on . I don’t know the program but it was country music ….. I couldn’t stand it , it was as if someone was playing some macabre joke.

I grabbed the channel changer from the floor , but no matter what I did I couldn’t get rid of it. Finally Tim Lombardi left Sue’s side , she was sitting on the floor against the wall, but all he managed to do was get it flipping through channels. It ended up on a scene from . The joke being in the family that I was Marie Barone and my favourite was Chris, as hers was Raymond. It was the scene where they were together on a cruise ship.

Angela took the channel changer from her father as Sue said looking at the scene on the television

“OH it is Chris”

I looked at her and thought

stupid woman , why doesn’t she just shut up!!!!

It was then the nurse put her head through the door and said they were ready for us.

Angela, her mother and father went to the right hand side of the bed where there weren’t any machines, I could only squeeze into the other side by the wall and the now quiet ventilator.

I looked at my sons face, wiped the spittle from his mouth , the nurses has closed his eyes . I rambled on, talking to him about being proud of him , how hard he fought and that he should rest now. I don’t know exactly what I was talking about because all I wanted to do was hold him and scream

NO!!!!!!! Stop this !!! This can’t happen

Instead, I watched the colour drain slowly from his face , he had died earlier I knew it…… there was no gasping for breath or convulsion. I looked up into Tim Lombardi’s face who was nodding yes….. Sue left the room Someone took me away from the bedside , I think it was one of Chris’ nurses . There was a wheelchair waiting for me. I had absolutely no idea where I was ,what was happening .

I was taken back to hotel room and we sat. Nobody talked finally we started packing up our belongings and left. Nikki was on the phone apparently to Tim

” arrangements for the funeral home had already been made for the following morning at 10 a.m”

In my maelstrom of thoughts I didn’t understand why Chris’ father hadn’t been there when his son died. I knew Nikki couldn’t face it and was, I thought, being taken care of by Jim.

I understood that but I didn’t understand why I had to look into that weasle little face of Tim Lombardi as my son gave up his being.

It was many weeks later I found out when I finally asked my husband

Where were you , why weren’t YOU with me and Chris?

And then it came to light. He had made sure Nikki was with Jim and then followed us into the room but Sue Lombardi closed the door in his face and he didn’t know what to do , he didn’t want to make a scene so he stood outside the door and looked through the window as his son died.

artwork Chris Ritchey

I would like to say that that was the last cruel and thoughtless act of the Lombardis but there was so much more to come. However it was nearly a year after Chris died that Nikki finally told me what had happened in that ICU room

DEC. 4th- How Cold is Cold -Lombardi?

I couldn’t think that my beautiful son was going to die- I truly still thought he will show them he will come out of this – I never gave up hope and none of us said to goodbye-

My husband when he was in a coma told us that he had heard every word that people spoke but he couldn’t let us know. So we all acted on the fact that Chris too, was aware and were so careful not to say or do anything that would distress him- trapped as he was…….

Fashionistas Sue Lombardi and Angela (Lombardi) ritchey( Now Murphy.

This apparently was not consideration given by the Lombardis as Sue Lombardi and Angela joined Nikki in the ICU room. Nikki was putting cool cloths on Chris’ brow , holding his hand and talking to him that everything was Ok and she wouldn’t leave him-

However that was not the reason apparently the Lombardi women were in the room, not for them comfort and saying farewell NO they had other reasons for seeing Chris

they were choosing his “laying out clothes”

So before my son was dead, two minutes after Nikki had learned they were taking Chris off the vent – Angela Ritchey(Murphy) DO and Sue stood over my dying son having already decided without even the courtesy of discussing with Chris’ family the Gluvna Funeral Home would handle the arrangements-

Sue Lombardi

We will lay him out in his black pants, blue shirt and silver tie

Angela –

Yes, but no suit jacket Chris wouldn’t like that

Nikki couldn’t believe what she was hearing her brother lying there still breathing, still warm, his hand still in hers and they are discussing “funeral fashion!” –

Nikki told me that day a year later between her sobs –

Mum who are these people? how does a “bride” stand there as her husband is dying and calmly decide what fashion statement he will make in his casket- I was standing there trying to memorize every piece of his face, his hands everything about him knowing I would never see him again and they are discussing what to dress him in and he wasn’t even dead. I just cannot believe they were so cool and calm and cold when Angela said
“Yes but no jacket ” it was in the same tone as saying

I will have honey mustard sauce with the nuggets…….

Nikki turned to them and quietly said through her teeth so that Chris didn’t hear

NO! you are not laying my brother out, there will be no casket he is to be cremated, he isn’t to go to Gluvna but to Boyers – I will fight you on this – he is to go home

Sue Lombardi:

but this will be a huge funeral and what would we do about the parking….

I still find this scenario incredible What kind of people are more concerned in the “funeral fashion statement” of their son-in-law and new husband will wear and where Sue would have people park as he is clinging to life.

Who calmly looks at their dying groom and is concerned about jacket or no jacket, what kind of people are these ?- How could you even discuss this as a sister holds her dying brothers hand and tries to give him comfort?

How could Angela even contemplate that next move? I just know that anyone who loved my son deeply would not be thinking of “dressing him in his coffin” in their last moments together !
I didn’t know any of this at the time and it is probably just as well because as traumatic as the next few days were they would have been worse as my anger would have risen to a dreadful climax.

– I am even more filled with disgust that someone who was so full of life, love and caring has left this life and those that should have mourned his loss stood over him – as he lay dying deciding how to dress him in a casket to look good!

The disgust I felt at such pious hypocrites is indescribable – to think my son was subject to this in his last moments “what would he be wearing as they decorated him in the casket “ filled me with a gut filled sickness, it is beyond my comprehension as to what he did to deserve such coldness?

To be continued ……..

July 3, 2022 at 1:51 pm 2 comments

Dec 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 23- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

OHIO

I was emotionally exhausted after the flight home from Houston although, I was thrilled the news was good but terrified at what I was seeing with my own eyes as to how Chris “looked”. to these mother’s eyes.

The “plan” was Chris and Angela would drive back stopping at various sights along the way and be back for a few days in Ohio and then the return drive to Houston for ongoing treatment.

I drew Angela aside and begged Angela:

‘Please , please leave the truck here and fly back here, the Doctor at MD Anderson didn’t think it wise for Chris to do that journey, can’t you talk with him he will listen to you if YOU say you want to fly back!

Angela’s quiet reply: because Angela never spoke loudly

Chris, will be just fine driving back to Ohio.” We will take it easy

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

It was going to be a lot of driving but I hoped that once Chris was home home Nikki and I could persuade Chris to fly back and we would rent him a vehicle.

He was taking so many drugs, not eating and to counter the effects I found he was taking exlax like candy. It was just 36 hours later after I left Houston I received a call from Angela saying they were stopping for the night in Jackson Mississippi

It was later the next day I received another call, she had had to take Chris to the local ER for fluids, he had collapsed! The Doctors there wanted to admit him but they declined saying they wanted to get back to the Clinic. I said

“Angela you can’t continue driving if he is that ill, book a flight, you have the money from the fundraiser that will will cover that cost , can you drive the truck to the airport and park it? I will have his dad and uncle fly down and drive the truck back, that will put Chris’ mind at rest re the truck .

Angela “What about the keys we can’t leave them , can you pick up the spare set from my mother at the bank?

I said I would .

Arrangements were made . I went that afternoon to the bank where Sue Lombardi worked to pick up the keys. She walked acrosse the lobby with a silly grin on her face

“Tim and I will pick up Chris and Angela and take them back to their apartment “

I was fuming underneath knowing I should have pushed more to stop that drive back. I was barely able to speak more than two or three words incase I said something that couldn’t be taken back.

Her daughter the Doctor, had she no common sense? Side trips to Memphsis indeed when her husband was downing pain pills for which she was getting the prescriptions . She had to see how his driving was terrible and anger flare ups in traffice in Texas. More than once seeing his “road rage” I would remind him

Chris, these guys have guns on their trucks and you calling them “dick head” and driving like you are , you are going to get me shot…

I dropped off my husband and brother in law at the airport , drove home and waited .

Finally Chris called me from the Lombardi’s car and said they had been picked up and would call me the next day.

He did call me the next day but not from the apartment , he was back in hospital at South Pointe, where Angela was a resident and getting those prescriptions filled that I was worried about.

It was an I am OK mum and getting fluids sort of call. I told him his truck was nearly back in Ohio , his dad and uncle had driven straight through and they would leave his truck at it at Nikkis,as it was safer there will all the items they had had to leave.

I was surprised a half an hour later when Chris called back, the inlaws and Angela had left and he said he was alone and wanted to talk to me .

“Mum, I am appreciative of everything you did in Texas

I said:

I know that Chris you don’t have to thank me

He continued :

But I was so mean to you

referring to the altercation we had when Angela had lied to him and he thought Nikki and I were excluding her .

SEE Chapter 17 of No Limits

I responded :

Chris I am your mother , you are allowed to be mean to me , I understand what you are going through , the lack of control over your own life , the anger – it is OK I love you !

He said :

You were right I should have stayed in Houston, I shouldn’t have come back to the apartment….. there are so many bad memories – I should’ve stayed in Houston and I love you mum I should’ve listened

I said

Chris, it is no good dwelling in hindsight….. we will get through this I will see you Friday . I love you

As always he said
”

I love you too”

I hung up and burst into tears…..

I can still hear his voice in my head , I can bring those words to the fore of my memory as if he were speaking them to me in the present time and day.

That is probably because it was the last time I ever heard him say those words out loud…… a mother clings to every bit of her child and his life and voice that she can.

Note as I sit and type this day of December 3rd 2021- it is the anniversary of his passing and so I am defeated I have to leave the keyboard and the desk and release the pain and heartache.. I can write no more today the emotional incontinence that overwhelms on this day cripples and crushes my very core. … until the next chapter……. and Chris I still love you with all my being……

December 3, 2021 at 2:14 pm 5 comments

March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights / CONTINUED

The flight from Cleveland to Houston Airport was filled with angst and anticipation at the same time. I certainly didn’t know what to expect , either with the living accommodations or what was going happen with the “infusions of SGN35. Since it was a “trial drug” the side effects and how Chris would react with just me supporting him in Houston. I am not in the medical field, obviously, and my trusted support team were 1,400 miles away.

Houston. I left Cleveland on a sunny crisp September morning and landed into heat, humidity and strangeness.

I don’t handle heat well and humidity that is torture for me . I sucked up my discomfort and headed toward the baggage claim. Chris had had his first infusion the previous afternoon and since I was worried about any side effects. I told him I would grab a taxi from the airport, he shouldn’t worry about picking me up. JD and Karen, the Houston couple, who took Chris and Angela under their wing the previous weekend had lent Chris the ranch truck to use for a few days.

I hadn’t realized how far the airport was to Houston proper. The taxi fair was 59 dollars plus tip. I thought thank heavens I had put a hundred dollars in Chris shirt pocket as he and Angela left Cleveland. The younger generation is all about “the plastic” and I tried to drum into them

always have at least a hundred in cash for emergencies. You never know when cash is the only option

I am sure I could have hired a taxi on my plastic but the first one in the rank only took cash. I had no clue where this chap was taking me and we seemed to be driving for ever. I was so apprehensive about the apartment complex because when the Lombardis ( Tim and Sue) had shown up the night before with the suitcase Sue, kept on about how Angela was very concerned about the accommodations, the neighborhood.

What had I done ? I had tried my best in a limited housing situation in a limited time frame . I thought well I am here now and can change the location and find something else.

I was relieved when we finally arrived at the apartment complex, it certainly was not this terrible place I had now pictured in my head after Sue Lombardi’s visit. I called Chris who came to the entrance to meet me .

Chris was very white and had dark circles and not looking at all well. I said look you go back to bed and I will unpack.

The apartment consisted on a galley type kitchen, complete with dishes and all items needed except food. open to a small dining area and living room with desk . The sofa was a pull out Queen , large tv and looked out onto the pool area. Off the living room was a bedroom and ensuite. The bed was a king sized and the bedroom with 2nd TV also looked out onto the pool area. The bathroom was very large and also contained stackable washer and dryer and large walk in closet. All linens and towels etc were supplied

As I walked around to get my bearings I wondered whatever Angela was talking about? There were many amenities, media room, computer room, gym and workout room, coffee bar , barbeque areas, designated parking with secure entrances, all available to us as no extra charge. There was even a dog park and I thought maybe if Chris has to spend weeks down here Misty might be an option for a visit.

I checked the refrigerator , as I desperately needed some sustenance. Apart from a bottle of water and left over spaghetti there was nothing, the cupboards held microwavable mac and cheese, just add water. Not at all appetizing in my opinion. So much for Angela’s thoughts on the matter

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

Angela said:“He will be fine…. there is a kitchen and he can order in pizza and JD and Karen had lent him a truck……he has to take ownership of his illness”

First things first when Chris woke up I said “time to get some food and items , washing up soap , and detergent, garbage bags etc. Are you up to driving me to the store?

There was a large grocery store about a mile and a half away and I loaded up. The only issue was the distance from the covered parking garage to the apartment with groceries. We had bags and bags and I watched as my beautiful strong son , now a shadow of what he once was , wearying under the weight of carrying and fetching the shopping . I wanted to scream and cry at what this bloody disease was doing to him. But we managed, he went back to bed and I unpacked and made him dinner. His favourite, stewed beef, mashed potatoes and carrots.

I had learned over the months of cooking for him with this disease and treatments to “hide” calories. The mashed potatoes which are easier to eat when your mouth is sore, whipped with extra butter and an egg hidden and cream instead of milk. The beef slow cooked so it is really tender and the gravy laden with richness and calories. Always a vegetable or two not cooked to death but more than “al dente” . Of course ice cream and calorie laden desserts such as orange whip. This could be made with any canned or fresh fruit, in this case mandarin oranges, orange Jell-O and heavy whipping cream.

Chris spent the rest of the evening watching TV in the bedroom and sleeping on and off.

Sunday , Chris looked much better in his color and less tired. I don’t believe he had eaten anything but a half a plate of spaghetti and drank water for at least three days.

Chris came out of the bedroom said JD and Karen had called and would I like to go with him and join them for dinner. Chris had had the use of the truck for over a week and I was going to rent a car , so I could drive if need be, and we then could return JD’s truck to him after dinner. We went to Enterprise, which was around the corner, and rented a car.

Chris had already formed a sort of bond with JD , who was older of course, and I was looking forward to meeting the people who were being so lovely to my son and Angela.

I saw immediately why Chris had taken an instant liking to JD apart form the fact he was younger and taller , his hair, he general appearance was so reminiscent of my father and Chris grandfather who had died when Chris was 8. Chris had spent a few weeks with his grandfather that year when my dad came to visit us.

JD was humorous, kind and interested. Karen his wife was tall and elegant and as my dad would say “had legs that went on forever”. Karen too was very kind and knew what I was going through as her son had been diagnosed with cancer when he was very young. Luckily , her son, was cured but she knew the heartbreak and the terror that I was feeling. I was so relieved to have these lovely people in our lives at that time. JD assured me the apartment was one of the better ones and we could call for anything anytime.

That night as I got into the “sofa bed” trying to see the stars, my husband said were so prevalent in Texas, I realized that Sunday night was the first time in many months I did not go to bed with a raging headache. Being able to take care of my son, and being met with kindness and support had done that.

To be continued………..

March 3, 2021 at 12:41 pm 4 comments

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

ED NOTE: It has been one year since I started this journey of serialization of my book/posts on my son’s, Christopher Ritchey, journey. I had thought, initially, to intersperse the posts as usual with other posts, pertaining to life, Lorain, crime and politics. I have found I just do not have the energy and the apathy is all consuming . I have come to the sad realization what I think and my passions on those subjects just don’t matter and don’t make a bit of difference in the real world. However, my journey with NO LIMITS continues, as hard as these chapters are to write and reliving the journey of hope and no hope there is a light at the end of this journey . I will continue to tell of our journey with transparency and truths.

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter 12 : The Trial and Tribulations

The days following the biopsy found me sitting by the phone. I knew in my heart of hearts the news was awful but I clung to the hope they could be wrong, it had been known. I knew it was a foolish hope but you grab anything you can to hold onto.

Chris came to stay with Nikki that last weekend in August . He was so pale and quiet. I went over bearing his favourite food . Nikki told me he had been out in the woods for hours on his four wheeler , alone and not wanting to talk to anyone.

We waited, and when he came in I saw my son trying to put on a brave face. We all tried to act normally I sat with him at the kitchen counter , trying to eat . He was , for my sake, trying to force the food down. A friend of my son-in-law, oblivious to the situation, came in talking about the hunting season to come and new equipment he was planning to purchase. It was so normal and so damned surreal. Chris left the kitchen , I knew he was thinking

I probably won’t be here for that season.

I waited, trying to swallow my scream. Nikki came into the kitchen and said ”

Mum, Chris is not good, you had better come upstairs

I followed her up to the guest room, also now known as Chris’ room. He was laying on top of the bed and had broken down, the fear, the hope, the fact he would die crashing down on him and he could no longer put on a brave face that day .

I didn’t know what to say or do . I felt totally helpless. I sat on the bed next to him and Nikki was on the other side and we huddled and cried together. After a while I said , not knowing really what I was saying

“The three of us like this, Chris , is probably Angela’s worst nightmare”

Finally a weak smile and I said to my son , almost believing it myself

Chris , I will move heaven and earth to find another way another treatment, even if it means going to Germany or Europe

( I had heard they were making strides in Germany with Refractory Hodgkin’s)

Chris went back out into the woods riding and I went home to get on the computer and research.

I went home worried beyond reason for my beautiful son. The phone rang it was Angela’s mother Sue Lombardi wanting to know something inconsequential.

I said Sue:

I can’t even think about that know ( I can’t even remember what it was ) I have just left Chris and he is in a terrible state.

WELL! she said NOW YOU KNOW WHAT ANGELA HAS BEEN PUTTING UP WITH .

I couldn’t believe the sanctimonious, cold hearted cow!

PUTTING UP WITH , he is dying and scared and turning to his wife.. don’t talk to me .. putting up with ????

she said :

maybe putting up with wasn’t the right choice of words .

No! it wasn’t I am going now. I have things to of more importance to deal with

Finally Tuesday came when we once again sat in the offices of Dr. Pohlman. Chris sat alone on the side of the room, he had on his aviator glasses and cap was pulled down, as I looked at my son , knowing these glasses were his defense against the emotions he was feeling being shown to us. Nikki and I sat together and Angela drew up a chair on the opposite wall.

No-one said a word, and Dr. Pohlman of the diamond earing , white framed glasses , starched white coat and Italian leather shoes entered the room.

I was never keen on him , his bed side manner was decidedly lacking , but Chris liked him, why? I don’t know . As he sat down he looked at us , looked at the report and said coldly:

“This is bad, very bad. Your immune system, ( looking at Chris who had not moved but sat like stone) does not recognize the cancer. As your body deals with the good cells it is also helping the cancer cells . Another stem cell transplant , this would be a donor transplant in the hopes that their immune system would take over (allogeneic) is a remote possibility , but the insurance probably would not OK it.

Nikki , spoke ” well why can’t we try? “

Pohlman looked as if he had noticed her for the first time,

“and you are his sister? Well we could test you as a donor, are you willing “

“Of course I am willing I will do anything “

Polhman then continued.

Chris your only hope for a “cure” ( and yes he said the word “cure” )is to get on a trial for the drug SGN35 .

I finally found my voice,

how do we do that?

Unfortunately,

he said ( and this was the Tuesday morning after waiting for days for the results of the biopsy)

We.at the Clinic closed down the admittance to the trial of SGN 35 we have here on Friday and there are no more spaces available. I am not sure there are any openings around the country.

I was incredulous , this young man had been treated by them from the very beginning they KNEW the cancer had returned , they knew he would need options , they held out the hope again to only withdraw it coldly and clinically. I was so angry I couldn’t speak. Angela sat there ,

For god’s sake I thought Angela say something, you are a resident going to be a Dr. a member of the Cleveland Clinic yourself say something!!!!!This is your husband fight for him.

Angela said nothing, it was Nikki who spoke :

You are the Cleveland Clinic , the best in the nation, and you are telling me that Chris has been your patient all this time and you come in here offering nothing, just that a trial has closed, why didn’t you reserve him a space. You KNEW what those results were . and all you can say is “this is bad , very bad ” and there is a hope for a cure but not here . Then Where????? Don’t kick him to the curb, he is not a lab rat……

Chris’ face book page

I am not sure Polhman was expecting that , I know Angela looked shocked. Polhman was the big shot specialist, I am sure she wasn’t happy with Nikki questioning him. Polhman turned his hands outward in a gesture of “oh well” said that he would send his assistant to set up a test for Nikki and he would have them see if there were any openings for SGN 35 in other states , but the trials had all closed on the Friday . He had other patients he had to see.

As they all walked out I asked what about Europe, Germany , he looked perplexed. He didn’t know and was that an option. I said:

anything is an option to save my son’s life and walked out.

The rest of the day found Angela looking into options, contacting people she had been in medical school with. Nikki on the computer and I called family in the medical community , who dealt with Cancer research . They put me in touch with Chicago and Columbus trials, talking to Doctors, setting up appointments.

Angela had the best options with MD Anderson Houston Texas . She sent Chris records through to a friend who said they would get them to Dr. Younes who was doing the trial.

Wednesday morning , Nikki and I picked up Chris from his apartment and we went to the Clinic for them to be matched for a allogeneic transplant. This done we went back to his apartment, not really speaking . We stayed for a little while, I was so worried about Chris , he had lost hope. I left Nikki and Chris in the living room and went to busy myself making the bed incase he needed to rest. Nikki came flying into the room. Dr. Younes’ PA from MD Anderson was on the phone and they had an opening for an appointment the next day in Houston.

The next afternoon at two o’clock . OMG!!! the thoughts tumbled and whirled through my mind. Take the appointment , call the airlines, Chris call Angela , where is my credit card , get them on a flight, book a hotel near the hospital , get some money . By eight o’clock they were boarding a flight to Houston….

the roller coaster ride was starting up again

to be continued……..

January 3, 2021 at 2:27 pm 5 comments

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Double Cell Transplant:

We went to see Dr. Brad Pohlman who had been involved through South Pointe with Chris’ initial treatment.

:Brad Pohlman, MD, is Vice Chair of Operations at Cleveland Clinic Taussig Cancer Institute. Dr. Pohlman is a member of the American Society of Hematology, American Society of Clinical Oncology, and American Society for Blood and Marrow Transplantation.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sngT_dShxsw

So much for the 95% cure rate re Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Chris was now diagnosed with Refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma , the cancer came back very quickly https://www.webmd.com/cancer/lymphoma/qa/what-is-refractory-or-recurrent-hodgkins-lymphoma

The day, Chris and Angela and I went to we went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw the Lymphoma specialist Dr. Brad Pohlman, once again we rode the rails of hope. My son wanted to do whatever it took to

get this “crap” out of me, cut it, burn it, kill it, I want to reach the age of 50″.

I looked at his face as he said those words and my heart ached for him.

It was suggested that Chris undergo a Double Stem Cell transplant , good results had been seen in a study out of California . A tandem (double autologous) transplant is a process in which you have two stem cell transplants with your own cells — done about three to six months apart — to increase chances of success.

Basically this involved removing stem cells from Chris through his blood. The need a certain amount and they did manage to get all they needed in one removal

“https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stem-cell-transplant/what-happens/

The most common way to harvest stem cells involves temporarily removing blood from the body, separating out the stem cells, and then returning the blood to the body.

To boost the number of stem cells in the blood, medication that stimulates their production will be given for about 4 days beforehand. On the fifth day, a blood test will be carried out to check there are enough circulating stem cells.

If there are enough cells, veins in each arm will be connected by tubes to a cell-separator machine. Blood is removed from one arm and passed through a filter, before being returned to the body through the other arm.

This procedure isn’t painful and is done while you’re awake. It takes around 3 hours and may need to be repeated the next day if not enough cells are removed the first time.”

He then, after harvesting, went through more Chemo therapy and in one year from his first chemo was back in the Cleveland Clinic isolation etc. to be chemically killed . There is no other word for it. We prepared as best we could because of the high risk of infection he was initially behind a glass window. The side effects of the first transplant were given to us :

Nausea and vomiting
Diarrhea
Hair loss
Mouth sores or ulcers
Infection
Bleeding
Infertility or sterility
Anemia
Fatigue
Cataracts
Organ complications, such as heart, liver or lung failure

As he went through the first of the stem cell transplants I would go to the hospital every day, he hated the food, refused to eat it. Apparently the smell of the plastic covers covering the food and the steam coming off of them nauseated him. I would cook him lunch and supper, trying to devise a menu which would appeal to the lack of appetite, high calorie content that slipped down easily, dishes he liked from childhood. Then I would take the dishes to him. The nutritionist had to OK what I cooked, but they were more nutritious than what they were trying to give him so I was allowed.

Finally the glass screen came down, he was supposed to be the hospital that first time around for at least 4 weeks. He experienced most of the side effects. I still suffer from that place and that transplant. The nurse warned me they would be putting his own irradiated and treated cells back into his body and the preservative used would smell like creamed corn and it did. The smell permeated the very air for hours. I can no longer smell creamed corn cooking or dished out without being violently ill both in mind and body.

I would arrived at 11:30 am, most of the time he would be in the chair by the time I arrived, hooked up to poisons and fluids. I would get clean sheets from the nurse every day and make up his bed. This was my only way of trying to make him comfortable, with clean sheets and freshly made bed. I would stay whilst he slept, or watched TV. Most of the time I read. I can’t remember one book or title of any book during that time.

I would stay with him in that “cell” because that is what it became for both of us a cancerous prison but with hope the door would be unlocked to a future. I would heat his supper in the hospital’s “family room” microwave – clean up and come home at 7 to get dishes etc. for the next day and start all over again.

My daughter was at the end of her pregnancy, when Chris was admitted for the first stem cell procedure. She wasn’t due until at least two weeks after Chris was due to be released from the first stem cell transplant ( Autologous) , but once again, somehow I KNEW (yet another premonition) , I was going to be torn would between hospitals – I would be travelling between hospitals and the needs of my two children. I was right, Chris was at the end of the first procedure when Nikki went into labor two weeks early .

I had just crawled, exhausted, into bed when my son in law called to say Nikki’s water had broken and to meet them at the hospital as Nikki wanted me with her when she gave birth. Even though Chris had been in one hospital being chemically killed he was on the phone to Nikki the whole time talking her through the pain of birth, making her laugh, easing her mind. They were miles apart and yet Chris was there for her as I knew he would be. Chris talked to her through the hours of labor, making her laugh, getting her through. They were always there for each other

Chris and his sister, Nikki – on the happiest night of her life

Chris said:

hey at least you will get out of there in a couple of days even when I get out I will have to come back….. hang in there … you can do this….

He said to Nikki after he heard it was a baby boy. let me tell Nana and Dad and he did . I didn’t see him for 4 days after the birth as I was with Nikki, but his counts came back quickly , quicker than expected and he was released/

Chris came home on April 3rd and met his nephew for the first time, he was amazed at how tiny Gavin was. Nikki’s house was the first place he came straight from the hospital . Nikki, with Gavin in her arms and Chris and held onto each other that afternoon ….

To be continued

October 3, 2020 at 12:00 pm 1 comment

July 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 6 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

If the night before at the Rehearsal Dinner was hot , the day of the wedding dawned humid and hotter. I don’t handle heat and no sleep at the best of times, and this definitely wasn’t a good time. For the sake of my children and family I tried so hard to act cheerful and excited, all the while with this great lump of concrete in my gut and a dread of things to come. I can only liken this feeling to having the overwhelming feeling /intuition by getting on to a plane and knowing it will crash. I knew the prognosis for Chris form of cancer Hodgkin’s Lymphoma was excellent, 95 percent cure rate, ” if you had to have cancer this is the one you would want” a few rounds of chemo and a couple of treatments of radiation and you will be fine.

BUT then why did everything in my mind scream at me there is a world of hurt coming our way ……?

artwork Chris Ritchey

THE WEDDING

I knew that Chris would be putting on a brave face, he had a round of chemo on the Thursday and it usually caught up with him by the Saturday, and here he was having to go through a horrendously busy morning, afternoon and evening. I knew he would not let on how he was dealing and feeling with all the poisons coursing through his body. He was so particular when it came to Nikki’s wedding in regard to his tuxedo, having to make a special trip to the tailor to have it adjusted the day before. Nana and Chris at Nikki’s Wedding

Chris had lost weight with the cancer and chemo and his tux was too big, but he didn’t seem to care, not at all like Chris, but then he had more on his plate to worry about.

The wedding at St. Mary’s Catholic Church officiated by Father Daniel Divis , Chris had refused the usual Catholic protocol to get married in the church , and he was allowed to do so probably due to the cancer diagnosis and the Father Divis “relationship” he had with the Lombardis.

I sat in that church , not being very enamored with organized religion as a bit of a hypocrite, but it was Chris and Angela’s day , it was her faith and she was very in touch with her faith. My husband and mother and I sat there “together but alone” .

The ceremony over , and I couldn’t hear a word, but then Angela always made me feel like I was deaf, so soft spoken was she. I had spent the morning putting together a small cooler bag for Chris and the wedding party ( mainly for Chris) to take in the limo. It had cold water , some snacks he could eat after chemo , and some cool cloths as his body temps rose after chemo set in.

Wedding over I came home showered and cried until it was time to put on the “face” again for the reception. No matter how I tried I just could not get out of this terrible feeling like some darkness was going to envelop me.

Oh ! this happy day could only get worse heat wise when the air-conditioning at the Holiday Inn failed. However, as bad as that was as I went to the gifts table to put our check in for the Bride and Groom , not a “wishing well” or a cute little decorated box but a “casket ” with flowers on the top courtesy of Sue Lombardi ‘WHAT WAS THE WOMAN THINKING – WAS THIS APPROPRIATE” Was I being overly sensitive? although the comments from my friends they too were shocked and my mother was furious.

” I knew as soon as I saw that coffin on the table it would hurt you Loraine”

The wedding although apparently enjoyed by others left me flat especially when Father Divis reacted to the best man’s speech, I wrote about it afterward , (at the time I did not mention his name BUT of course now in that blog post he is mentioned )as I was shocked , although this man of God would shock me later after the death of my son to my core !

“This was brought home over the weekend ( and I can take a joke better that a lot of people) . A speech that bordered on not only the insulting ( for me )cultural racism by a priest (Daniel O. Divis – Office of the Secretariat)who insulted every English person and non catholic at a function. He spoke of Ulster and Northern Ireland in a way that for those of us who lived through the bombings and were directly effected by the IRA and the terrorism THEY inflicted upon a population both Irish and English , that was financed primarily from this side of the Atlantic was akin to making jokes about 911. Would you tolerate jokes about 911?

So what makes it OK for a pseudo “Irish” priest of Lorain to make the jokes and insult a group of people because they are “English”? A fellow diner said it is just ignorance of the situation– I beg to differ any Catholic Priest who claims Irish lineage KNEW exactly what he was saying, which to me makes it all the more disgraceful – am I wrong??????

You tell me when is it ok for terrorism to be lauded and applauded and when is it abhorred – is it OK to make derogatory remarks as long as it is based on culture and then only one certain segment of the population’s culture – Is it Ok to do this based on culture and not colour???

Although I did have a “word” with the man- I am sure it fell on deaf ears…… So when is it OK – tell me???? because I find this grey area very confusing ?

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2008/06/08/when-is-it-ok/

AND THIS SPEECH WAS AT A “wedding”

We got through the wedding and reception,. The Mother/ Son dance was one of the toughest things I knew I had very little control left and as we danced ( and I told Chris ( who was always my confidant) I may need Nikki and his dad to help me through. He understood , he knew me so well and we were always upfront with one another. So when I was becoming “emotionally incontinent” halfway through the dance he signaled to Nikki and his dad to join us on the floor as a group. ( that did not go down too well with the Lombardi clan) .

My husband , mother and I left at a reasonable time just after the first guests were leaving. I told Chris Nana was tired but he knew and he by this time was physically showing the effects of a very long day and the poisonous chemo. I wanted to gather my child up and make him well , but all this was now out of my hands , he was a married man now!

The next day was “come over ( to the Lombardis) and look at the presents” day , we had company so I stayed with them . The next thing I remember was Chris coming round the corner with the casket under his arm with his Best Man. I said

what are you doing here?

He said:

Sue Lombardi and her mother were anxious to open up the “box” to see how much money they received

and he said

No! he and Angela would do that later .. I don’t want them knowing our business and who gave what so I have brought it here to stop their prying . . Turns out there was no check from the Lombardis in that casket,

Angela said : ” they paid for the wedding”

HA! thanks to their “bar arrangements” we paid more to the Holiday Inn for the drinks etc. than they paid for the wedding, and I know that how ? The wedding planner lady was so frustrated with them and their way of ordering her about she told me and actually gave me a discount on the total bar bill.

And so the next weeks came and went all too quickly.

To be continued …..

July 3, 2020 at 12:41 pm 6 comments

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 5- Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

The wedding plans went on. I excused myself from most of them by feigning migraines leaving my mother, daughter and husband to do the duty.

I was stretched thin on patience and discretion and retreat was for the me the better part of valor. I know my limits and I knew I could not deal with the Lombardi women ( at least not quietly).

The kick off came re the bridesmaid dresses , the drama- because my daughter ( who was, in my opinion, added to the group because of Chris’ insistence) DARED to have her dress altered to better fit. The phone call from the irate Sue Lombardi after they saw Nikki’s dress hanging at the seamstress ( without their permission) . I was curious as to WHY they apparently were at that same seamstress with their garments was never explained.

It was then after the ensuing chastising phone call from Sue, Chris who was irate, as he listened, as I dealt with his future mother in law , not angry with me but with Angela and Sue and the upset such a pettiness caused – I decided to politely back away from all things concerning the wedding, apart from paying. Truth be known they really didn’t want my input and obviously Chris was becoming caught in the middle of the women of his life at the same time as dealing with cancer.

We managed to get through the wedding shower all smiles and faking for the guests.

There was no way I could go to the “hen night”, aptly named in my opinion, so the dreaded migraine reappeared although I know I didn’t fool Chris , but he understood, he understood me better than anyone.That duty was left to Nikki and my mother .

My mother , bless her, got a bit inebriated ( thanks to Nikki) and since they were not made the most welcome by the “clan”, barely speaking to them I am told. My mother joined people at another table , after a few of the beverages my daughter ordered for her became the hit of the night with the other tables.

A dear friend, Mark, was eating at the same venue , he took some photos called me and said

” Your mum is such a character, she is entertaining the whole restaurant by grabbing a blow up man from another hen night group and dancing around the place, cheered on by the onlookers.

Not bad for a 90 year old woman.

Chris, who turned up with his friends to drive people home, laughed and said

Mum , Nana is just wonderful

I don’t think she went down too well with the Lombardi’s though.

a smile from Sue would have cracked her face in two

said Chris.

The Friday, of the rehearsal dinner on the 6th dawned so very hot and airless, totally out of keeping for early June. The wedding date was based on Angela wanting 06.07.08 numerical sequence. The dinner was planned at a facility overlooking Lake Erie in Lakeview Park. I had booked the place before it was even finished being built.

There was (of course) issues as to my choice of menu, I had decided on heavy, hot and cold hors d’oeuvres. I worked with a local caterer, who actually had been a family friend, well respected for his establishment and catering abilities. He told me that when the Lombardi women came to his establishment to check out its viability for the reception, they left him feeling insulted by their attitude . He was quite annoyed, and went above and beyond in all I asked from him.

The menu included mini Beef Wellingtons, meatballs, pasta, mini quiches, a carvery ( turkey, beef and ham) for sandwiches, salads of all kinds, crab claws and shrimp in ice, underneath an ice vase sculpture topped with flowers. Beer and wine ( no hard liquor allowed at that time) . cakes , cookies and deserts, strawberries and fresh fruit. The table fared groaned with food. However, when Angela was shown the menu, prior to the dinner ( as a courtesy I might add) , she went into the den with Chris and sent him out and he said to me….

Angela feels this needs to be adjusted , people will be coming in from out of town ( the event was set of 50) they will be hungry and she doesn’t think hors d’oeuvres will be appropriate , she suggests chicken , red skin potatoes , green beans and cheese and macaroni.

I said:

NO! Chris – this is my contribution to your wedding . I have put a great deal of thought, along with Nikki, and Nana on this from entertainment , decor and giving you something from me!

I realized Angela had not been at any of my “party planning” previously but I looked at Chris and said

when have I ever not had enough food at anything I have planned?

I called my caterer and told him what had been said and I asked him to add something along the line of chicken wings and a macaroni dish. He sighed and said “Typical”

The morning of the rehersal dinner I drove to Lakeview Park to check on final arrangement the food, tables , decorations etc. I looked out as I got into my car over to the lighthouse where Chris and Angela had become engaged.

Lorain Lighthouse – Lorain 365 ( L. Miller)

Nikki and I had helped Chris plan that July day of engagement, 11 months prior, the “asking Angela to marry me “place”. Christopher saying:

“You helped Jim to make Nikki’s engagement special you have to help me make this special too mum!

And Nikki and I did help- organizing champagne, roses, a table holding silver goblets and a boat trip to the Lorain Lighthouse on a beautiful day. Anticipating celebration Nikki and I, dad and others sat on the patio of the Jacalope restaurant looking out at the lighthouse happy for the young couple on this very special day.

So why, as I sat in the car looking out at the same scene- the same lighthouse shimmering in the heat of the day the afternoon before the wedding, albeit from a different perspective – why did, I feel such panic and the “knowing” this wedding should not take place?

I looked out on a shining blue lake, sunshine kissing the waves and argued with myself:

“What the hell is wrong with you, why aren’t you happy you should be happy –
Yes, Chris has been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s but the prognosis is good, why aren’t you wanting to celebrate?

Angela has stood by him through this diagnosis, she has helped him – she has stuck by him- this has to be such a difficult time for her – (I admired her and was grateful to her for that)

He is getting married, starting a life so what is it with you? Why are you sitting here at Lakeview looking out at the lighthouse and feeling such a dreadful feeling?

I went home in a mood so dark, I couldn’t shake the feeling this wedding should not take place. My husband called my daughter I was in such a foul temper!

“you had better come talk to your mother she is having a melt down”

It was as if every fiber of my being was pulling at me NO! this wedding must not happen it will bring pain and sorrow to those I love. What was making me think this way? I have always trusted my “gut feelings” and this time I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

My daughter duly arrived and told me off in such a fashion as to make my own guilt and selfishness of feeling take place of the dreadful fear or premonition I was experiencing – Nikki did not hold back in her telling me like it was:

This is Chris’ wedding- the happiest day of his life- You have to stop this you have to think of Chris, he will be fine he will come out the other side of this, you can’t let him see you like this.

Of course , I thought she is right, once again I was being selfish, Chris has to come first and so you have to suck it up.

The rehearsal dinner for which I was responsible was lovely and everything went well I thought. I put on a brave face and tried to be a good hostess , but that feeling of dread did not leave – it was there with every smile every word uttered.

Chapter 6 the Wedding…….

June 3, 2020 at 11:19 am 2 comments

Nana’s MY BOOK- memories of another time

ED NOTE: My mother, Violet Janet Gabbey 1919-2018

My mum had a long and amazing life. Mum was 99 when she passed and was loved by all her friends and family. However, 40 years ago she was going through a very trying and emotional time in her life. Her only child, me, was three thousand miles away in the United States at the time and was unable to do much of anything.

Mum had nights of not sleeping I suggested she use that time to start writing down her memories of being young for her granddaughter , Nikki . I have always found writing things down cathartic and still find that to be the case. Mum scribbled notes on scraps of paper every time she couldn’t sleep .( I still have those notes)

A few years ago we sat in the den and she and I put them in some sort of order. Mum then sent a copy of what she named “MY BOOK” to the oldest grandchild of each of her brothers and sisters and to some special people .

Please remember when reading her words and memories it was a very different time , especially in her young years, what was pretty much the norm then probably wouldn’t be acceptable today.

Cover Design Chris Ritchey

So , where is the beginning of it all? Upon reflection and trying to summon up the very first picture, there is a faint imprint in my mind. Can a child of three really retain, retell the event so many years on? Could I really see six or seven human forms lying on a mattress of black and white ticking strung between wooden frames? The box like shapes, the harsh sounds of human retching , the pungent smell of oil and vomit, that unpleasant fragrance still is in my nostrils. Some photo of that time with its sights and smells must have embedded itself forever in my mind

I can still feel still the roll and steady beat of a noise below. I was huddled, warmed and comforted by another little body next to mine. I can see my mother lying stretched out a short distance away from us; her long dark hair was damp and lying untidily on the pillow. I knew somehow she was ill too. My Father was on his feet , I see his arms with dark shapes and lines on them holding a cup to my mouth. He was telling me

“Drink this, you will feel better”

then oblivion and I remember no more .

Many years afterwards I made the discovery that my first recollection was of being in a cabin of a troop ship travelling home to England. The ship was bringing soldiers and their families, who had been serving in southern Ireland ( where the Anglo – Irish War – [1919-1921] had broken out after the Great War.(1914-1918)

My father was a soldier and a very good one. I fear, however he always drank too much and was forever shouting . He had scores of wonderful stories in him. He had a moustache which tickled and scratched when he would kiss you.

The dark shapes and lines were tattoos which he had subjected himself to in a far away land. When I was very little and asked about them he said the one said ” I love Betty” I used to wonder how could my mother bear to see that day after day , as her name was Charlotte! However, the “I love Betty” was just my fathers peculiar sense of humour . When I was older and could read and looked more closely I found there was only two hearts entwined with a lover’s knot and there was no wording there at all……

To be continued:

April 22, 2020 at 12:48 pm 3 comments

Feb 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 1. Chris Ritchey

NOTE: At one point in their relationship Angela told me she had said to Chris, ” Your mother ( Me) will write our love story and you ( Chris) will do the illustrations. Well not exactly the story anyone envisioned.. but the truth!

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

CHAPTER ONE….

I was married for 8 years before I felt the quickening of a baby beneath my heart, a baby girl whom I cherished and cherish. 3 years and 10 months later a little boy completed our small family. Like countless mothers before me, I would talk to my children as they grew within my body. The day they were born, the moment mother and child were left to one another after all the turmoil of birth, I too, promised them to always love them, protect them and never let anything happen to them. I wish I could put into words the feeling that grabs at your very innards as your child is put into your arms.

Some say that exquisite joy must be compensation for the pain of birth, others will tell you the bond is strengthened by the fact the child’s DNA having passed through the walls of the womb stays with the mother. Therefore, you are always part of your mother’s body. Months of sharing a body, heart and breath of life, there is nothing closer, the sound of a mother’s heartbeat- the lullaby of life. The very life essence that makes each one of individuals shared and a love that knows no limits. All I can tell you is that from that first fluttering of life I was consumed with a love for them that was greater than anything I had previously known.

The bond I shared with my son was different to the one I shared with my daughter. Nikki was so like her father, laid back, non-confrontational and even tempered. Chris, on the other hand, was volatile, passionate, definitely did not suffer fools and loved a good fight. He was more my child. I always knew what would set him off and we had the proverbial test of wills as he was growing up but underneath the clashes of wills he knew I would walk through fire for him and I knew he would do the same for us. The love shared was not on show, it was there and deep rooted.

My little girl and her baby brother soon left childhood days behind, life was normal, school, holidays, hobbies new friends , new loves and yet my daughter Nikki and her brother Chris retained a bond between them that was unbreakable. Nikki was always there for Chris and Chris was always there for Nikki. It wasn’t contrived or for show, they were each other’s sounding board, life line – it was them against the world, if need be.

I would watch them and knew whatever happened to me or their father they would always take care of each other no matter what.

Nikki married, moved out, life went on.

Chris was a student at Cleveland Institute of Art.

Other self by Chris Ritchey

Every weekend he came home and when I say home – he had two, this house where he was born and his sister’s. Nikki’s husband, Jim, became the brother Chris never had.

There was a lot of love and laughter in those years. I knew Nikki would always have Chris in time of need and Nikki would fly to his side no matter what. I relaxed in the notion they would always have each other.

He had been dating a young woman in his last year of High School- Angela Lombardi. She seemed a quiet little thing, I tried to make her welcome when she came for holiday dinners. I always got the feeling we were getting what my mother called the white glove test and that we didn’t measure up to her standards.

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

Although my son broke up with her for a few weeks in the latter part of 2005 “as she was too clingy and didn’t give him room” they did get back together thanks in part to a conversation I had with him at 4 o’clock in the morning!

He had asked me:

mum what is love ?

We explored, love, the flush of new love and sexual attraction, the role of family and caring. The conversation lasted many hours, a few weeks later Chris renewed the relationship with Angela.

I was happy at the time although the day in June when he came through the door with his sister with “news” – I wasn’t so sure .

I saw the look on Chris and Nikki’s faces that June day- they sat guilty together , after asking their dad to join us in the living room my mind racing, something was up? Finally Nikki said to Chris-

you’d better tell them!

My first thought was Oh God Angela is pregnant- it was that sort of vibe – not such good news coming- I held my breath.

Then Chris said quietly-

Angela wants to get married –

I was stunned, not what I was expecting! Not knowing what to say ‘relief I guess she wasn’t pregnant”

“ Well congratulations, I guess – how about YOU do you want to get married ?

Chris gave a little shrug :

I suppose so –

Worrying to me what he said and didn’t say – this was not the reaction of a young man who was getting engaged.

Chris had just been hired by Wyse Advertising, he had very little money to speak of and was just starting his career.

I said “well you’d better plan on living here to save up for married life.

My thoughts of this is not good timing – my thoughts to the “other mother in the equation” A person I had barely met more that a half a dozen times , and never really had any conversation with her at all. – I asked:

when was the date?

Chris didn’t know and I found myself thinking Sue Lombardi, the mother of Angela, I knew from mutual acquaintances was a controlling individual when it came to Angela – she would surely make it a long engagement .

How many times had Chris ordered flowers on my credit card account to cheer Angela up when the mother, whom they called Mama Sue and Psycho Sue, had upset her for NOT living up to Sue’s standards of achievement? I thought, Sue will not be happy at this and therefore I needn’t worry………..

The engagement – to be continued

February 3, 2020 at 2:04 pm 6 comments

Older Posts

That Woman’s Weblog

Posts filed under ‘Mothers’

August 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 31 – Chris Ritchey

July 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 30- Chris Ritchey

Dec 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 23- Chris Ritchey

March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

July 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 6 – Chris Ritchey

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 5- Chris Ritchey

Nana’s MY BOOK- memories of another time

Feb 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 1. Chris Ritchey

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