Mothers | That Woman's Weblog

The flight from Cleveland to Houston Airport was filled with angst and anticipation at the same time. I certainly didn’t know what to expect , either with the living accommodations or what was going happen with the “infusions of SGN35. Since it was a “trial drug” the side effects and how Chris would react with just me supporting him in Houston. I am not in the medical field, obviously, and my trusted support team were 1,400 miles away.

Houston. I left Cleveland on a sunny crisp September morning and landed into heat, humidity and strangeness.

I don’t handle heat well and humidity that is torture for me . I sucked up my discomfort and headed toward the baggage claim. Chris had had his first infusion the previous afternoon and since I was worried about any side effects. I told him I would grab a taxi from the airport, he shouldn’t worry about picking me up. JD and Karen, the Houston couple, who took Chris and Angela under their wing the previous weekend had lent Chris the ranch truck to use for a few days.

I hadn’t realized how far the airport was to Houston proper. The taxi fair was 59 dollars plus tip. I thought thank heavens I had put a hundred dollars in Chris shirt pocket as he and Angela left Cleveland. The younger generation is all about “the plastic” and I tried to drum into them

always have at least a hundred in cash for emergencies. You never know when cash is the only option

I am sure I could have hired a taxi on my plastic but the first one in the rank only took cash. I had no clue where this chap was taking me and we seemed to be driving for ever. I was so apprehensive about the apartment complex because when the Lombardis ( Tim and Sue) had shown up the night before with the suitcase Sue, kept on about how Angela was very concerned about the accommodations, the neighborhood.

What had I done ? I had tried my best in a limited housing situation in a limited time frame . I thought well I am here now and can change the location and find something else.

I was relieved when we finally arrived at the apartment complex, it certainly was not this terrible place I had now pictured in my head after Sue Lombardi’s visit. I called Chris who came to the entrance to meet me .

Chris was very white and had dark circles and not looking at all well. I said look you go back to bed and I will unpack.

The apartment consisted on a galley type kitchen, complete with dishes and all items needed except food. open to a small dining area and living room with desk . The sofa was a pull out Queen , large tv and looked out onto the pool area. Off the living room was a bedroom and ensuite. The bed was a king sized and the bedroom with 2nd TV also looked out onto the pool area. The bathroom was very large and also contained stackable washer and dryer and large walk in closet. All linens and towels etc were supplied

As I walked around to get my bearings I wondered whatever Angela was talking about? There were many amenities, media room, computer room, gym and workout room, coffee bar , barbeque areas, designated parking with secure entrances, all available to us as no extra charge. There was even a dog park and I thought maybe if Chris has to spend weeks down here Misty might be an option for a visit.

I checked the refrigerator , as I desperately needed some sustenance. Apart from a bottle of water and left over spaghetti there was nothing, the cupboards held microwavable mac and cheese, just add water. Not at all appetizing in my opinion. So much for Angela’s thoughts on the matter

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

Angela said:“He will be fine…. there is a kitchen and he can order in pizza and JD and Karen had lent him a truck……he has to take ownership of his illness”

First things first when Chris woke up I said “time to get some food and items , washing up soap , and detergent, garbage bags etc. Are you up to driving me to the store?

There was a large grocery store about a mile and a half away and I loaded up. The only issue was the distance from the covered parking garage to the apartment with groceries. We had bags and bags and I watched as my beautiful strong son , now a shadow of what he once was , wearying under the weight of carrying and fetching the shopping . I wanted to scream and cry at what this bloody disease was doing to him. But we managed, he went back to bed and I unpacked and made him dinner. His favourite, stewed beef, mashed potatoes and carrots.

I had learned over the months of cooking for him with this disease and treatments to “hide” calories. The mashed potatoes which are easier to eat when your mouth is sore, whipped with extra butter and an egg hidden and cream instead of milk. The beef slow cooked so it is really tender and the gravy laden with richness and calories. Always a vegetable or two not cooked to death but more than “al dente” . Of course ice cream and calorie laden desserts such as orange whip. This could be made with any canned or fresh fruit, in this case mandarin oranges, orange Jell-O and heavy whipping cream.

Chris spent the rest of the evening watching TV in the bedroom and sleeping on and off.

Sunday , Chris looked much better in his color and less tired. I don’t believe he had eaten anything but a half a plate of spaghetti and drank water for at least three days.

Chris came out of the bedroom said JD and Karen had called and would I like to go with him and join them for dinner. Chris had had the use of the truck for over a week and I was going to rent a car , so I could drive if need be, and we then could return JD’s truck to him after dinner. We went to Enterprise, which was around the corner, and rented a car.

Chris had already formed a sort of bond with JD , who was older of course, and I was looking forward to meeting the people who were being so lovely to my son and Angela.

I saw immediately why Chris had taken an instant liking to JD apart form the fact he was younger and taller , his hair, he general appearance was so reminiscent of my father and Chris grandfather who had died when Chris was 8. Chris had spent a few weeks with his grandfather that year when my dad came to visit us.

JD was humorous, kind and interested. Karen his wife was tall and elegant and as my dad would say “had legs that went on forever”. Karen too was very kind and knew what I was going through as her son had been diagnosed with cancer when he was very young. Luckily , her son, was cured but she knew the heartbreak and the terror that I was feeling. I was so relieved to have these lovely people in our lives at that time. JD assured me the apartment was one of the better ones and we could call for anything anytime.

That night as I got into the “sofa bed” trying to see the stars, my husband said were so prevalent in Texas, I realized that Sunday night was the first time in many months I did not go to bed with a raging headache. Being able to take care of my son, and being met with kindness and support had done that.

To be continued………..

March 3, 2021 at 12:41 pm 4 comments

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

ED NOTE: It has been one year since I started this journey of serialization of my book/posts on my son’s, Christopher Ritchey, journey. I had thought, initially, to intersperse the posts as usual with other posts, pertaining to life, Lorain, crime and politics. I have found I just do not have the energy and the apathy is all consuming . I have come to the sad realization what I think and my passions on those subjects just don’t matter and don’t make a bit of difference in the real world. However, my journey with NO LIMITS continues, as hard as these chapters are to write and reliving the journey of hope and no hope there is a light at the end of this journey . I will continue to tell of our journey with transparency and truths.

No Limits – The Book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter 12 : The Trial and Tribulations

The days following the biopsy found me sitting by the phone. I knew in my heart of hearts the news was awful but I clung to the hope they could be wrong, it had been known. I knew it was a foolish hope but you grab anything you can to hold onto.

Chris came to stay with Nikki that last weekend in August . He was so pale and quiet. I went over bearing his favourite food . Nikki told me he had been out in the woods for hours on his four wheeler , alone and not wanting to talk to anyone.

We waited, and when he came in I saw my son trying to put on a brave face. We all tried to act normally I sat with him at the kitchen counter , trying to eat . He was , for my sake, trying to force the food down. A friend of my son-in-law, oblivious to the situation, came in talking about the hunting season to come and new equipment he was planning to purchase. It was so normal and so damned surreal. Chris left the kitchen , I knew he was thinking

I probably won’t be here for that season.

I waited, trying to swallow my scream. Nikki came into the kitchen and said ”

Mum, Chris is not good, you had better come upstairs

I followed her up to the guest room, also now known as Chris’ room. He was laying on top of the bed and had broken down, the fear, the hope, the fact he would die crashing down on him and he could no longer put on a brave face that day .

I didn’t know what to say or do . I felt totally helpless. I sat on the bed next to him and Nikki was on the other side and we huddled and cried together. After a while I said , not knowing really what I was saying

“The three of us like this, Chris , is probably Angela’s worst nightmare”

Finally a weak smile and I said to my son , almost believing it myself

Chris , I will move heaven and earth to find another way another treatment, even if it means going to Germany or Europe

( I had heard they were making strides in Germany with Refractory Hodgkin’s)

Chris went back out into the woods riding and I went home to get on the computer and research.

I went home worried beyond reason for my beautiful son. The phone rang it was Angela’s mother Sue Lombardi wanting to know something inconsequential.

I said Sue:

I can’t even think about that know ( I can’t even remember what it was ) I have just left Chris and he is in a terrible state.

WELL! she said NOW YOU KNOW WHAT ANGELA HAS BEEN PUTTING UP WITH .

I couldn’t believe the sanctimonious, cold hearted cow!

PUTTING UP WITH , he is dying and scared and turning to his wife.. don’t talk to me .. putting up with ????

she said :

maybe putting up with wasn’t the right choice of words .

No! it wasn’t I am going now. I have things to of more importance to deal with

Finally Tuesday came when we once again sat in the offices of Dr. Pohlman. Chris sat alone on the side of the room, he had on his aviator glasses and cap was pulled down, as I looked at my son , knowing these glasses were his defense against the emotions he was feeling being shown to us. Nikki and I sat together and Angela drew up a chair on the opposite wall.

No-one said a word, and Dr. Pohlman of the diamond earing , white framed glasses , starched white coat and Italian leather shoes entered the room.

I was never keen on him , his bed side manner was decidedly lacking , but Chris liked him, why? I don’t know . As he sat down he looked at us , looked at the report and said coldly:

“This is bad, very bad. Your immune system, ( looking at Chris who had not moved but sat like stone) does not recognize the cancer. As your body deals with the good cells it is also helping the cancer cells . Another stem cell transplant , this would be a donor transplant in the hopes that their immune system would take over (allogeneic) is a remote possibility , but the insurance probably would not OK it.

Nikki , spoke ” well why can’t we try? “

Pohlman looked as if he had noticed her for the first time,

“and you are his sister? Well we could test you as a donor, are you willing “

“Of course I am willing I will do anything “

Polhman then continued.

Chris your only hope for a “cure” ( and yes he said the word “cure” )is to get on a trial for the drug SGN35 .

I finally found my voice,

how do we do that?

Unfortunately,

he said ( and this was the Tuesday morning after waiting for days for the results of the biopsy)

We.at the Clinic closed down the admittance to the trial of SGN 35 we have here on Friday and there are no more spaces available. I am not sure there are any openings around the country.

I was incredulous , this young man had been treated by them from the very beginning they KNEW the cancer had returned , they knew he would need options , they held out the hope again to only withdraw it coldly and clinically. I was so angry I couldn’t speak. Angela sat there ,

For god’s sake I thought Angela say something, you are a resident going to be a Dr. a member of the Cleveland Clinic yourself say something!!!!!This is your husband fight for him.

Angela said nothing, it was Nikki who spoke :

You are the Cleveland Clinic , the best in the nation, and you are telling me that Chris has been your patient all this time and you come in here offering nothing, just that a trial has closed, why didn’t you reserve him a space. You KNEW what those results were . and all you can say is “this is bad , very bad ” and there is a hope for a cure but not here . Then Where????? Don’t kick him to the curb, he is not a lab rat……

Chris’ face book page

I am not sure Polhman was expecting that , I know Angela looked shocked. Polhman was the big shot specialist, I am sure she wasn’t happy with Nikki questioning him. Polhman turned his hands outward in a gesture of “oh well” said that he would send his assistant to set up a test for Nikki and he would have them see if there were any openings for SGN 35 in other states , but the trials had all closed on the Friday . He had other patients he had to see.

As they all walked out I asked what about Europe, Germany , he looked perplexed. He didn’t know and was that an option. I said:

anything is an option to save my son’s life and walked out.

The rest of the day found Angela looking into options, contacting people she had been in medical school with. Nikki on the computer and I called family in the medical community , who dealt with Cancer research . They put me in touch with Chicago and Columbus trials, talking to Doctors, setting up appointments.

Angela had the best options with MD Anderson Houston Texas . She sent Chris records through to a friend who said they would get them to Dr. Younes who was doing the trial.

Wednesday morning , Nikki and I picked up Chris from his apartment and we went to the Clinic for them to be matched for a allogeneic transplant. This done we went back to his apartment, not really speaking . We stayed for a little while, I was so worried about Chris , he had lost hope. I left Nikki and Chris in the living room and went to busy myself making the bed incase he needed to rest. Nikki came flying into the room. Dr. Younes’ PA from MD Anderson was on the phone and they had an opening for an appointment the next day in Houston.

The next afternoon at two o’clock . OMG!!! the thoughts tumbled and whirled through my mind. Take the appointment , call the airlines, Chris call Angela , where is my credit card , get them on a flight, book a hotel near the hospital , get some money . By eight o’clock they were boarding a flight to Houston….

the roller coaster ride was starting up again

to be continued……..

January 3, 2021 at 2:27 pm 5 comments

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Double Cell Transplant:

We went to see Dr. Brad Pohlman who had been involved through South Pointe with Chris’ initial treatment.

:Brad Pohlman, MD, is Vice Chair of Operations at Cleveland Clinic Taussig Cancer Institute. Dr. Pohlman is a member of the American Society of Hematology, American Society of Clinical Oncology, and American Society for Blood and Marrow Transplantation.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sngT_dShxsw

So much for the 95% cure rate re Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Chris was now diagnosed with Refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma , the cancer came back very quickly https://www.webmd.com/cancer/lymphoma/qa/what-is-refractory-or-recurrent-hodgkins-lymphoma

The day, Chris and Angela and I went to we went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw the Lymphoma specialist Dr. Brad Pohlman, once again we rode the rails of hope. My son wanted to do whatever it took to

get this “crap” out of me, cut it, burn it, kill it, I want to reach the age of 50″.

I looked at his face as he said those words and my heart ached for him.

It was suggested that Chris undergo a Double Stem Cell transplant , good results had been seen in a study out of California . A tandem (double autologous) transplant is a process in which you have two stem cell transplants with your own cells — done about three to six months apart — to increase chances of success.

Basically this involved removing stem cells from Chris through his blood. The need a certain amount and they did manage to get all they needed in one removal

“https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stem-cell-transplant/what-happens/

The most common way to harvest stem cells involves temporarily removing blood from the body, separating out the stem cells, and then returning the blood to the body.

To boost the number of stem cells in the blood, medication that stimulates their production will be given for about 4 days beforehand. On the fifth day, a blood test will be carried out to check there are enough circulating stem cells.

If there are enough cells, veins in each arm will be connected by tubes to a cell-separator machine. Blood is removed from one arm and passed through a filter, before being returned to the body through the other arm.

This procedure isn’t painful and is done while you’re awake. It takes around 3 hours and may need to be repeated the next day if not enough cells are removed the first time.”

He then, after harvesting, went through more Chemo therapy and in one year from his first chemo was back in the Cleveland Clinic isolation etc. to be chemically killed . There is no other word for it. We prepared as best we could because of the high risk of infection he was initially behind a glass window. The side effects of the first transplant were given to us :

Nausea and vomiting
Diarrhea
Hair loss
Mouth sores or ulcers
Infection
Bleeding
Infertility or sterility
Anemia
Fatigue
Cataracts
Organ complications, such as heart, liver or lung failure

As he went through the first of the stem cell transplants I would go to the hospital every day, he hated the food, refused to eat it. Apparently the smell of the plastic covers covering the food and the steam coming off of them nauseated him. I would cook him lunch and supper, trying to devise a menu which would appeal to the lack of appetite, high calorie content that slipped down easily, dishes he liked from childhood. Then I would take the dishes to him. The nutritionist had to OK what I cooked, but they were more nutritious than what they were trying to give him so I was allowed.

Finally the glass screen came down, he was supposed to be the hospital that first time around for at least 4 weeks. He experienced most of the side effects. I still suffer from that place and that transplant. The nurse warned me they would be putting his own irradiated and treated cells back into his body and the preservative used would smell like creamed corn and it did. The smell permeated the very air for hours. I can no longer smell creamed corn cooking or dished out without being violently ill both in mind and body.

I would arrived at 11:30 am, most of the time he would be in the chair by the time I arrived, hooked up to poisons and fluids. I would get clean sheets from the nurse every day and make up his bed. This was my only way of trying to make him comfortable, with clean sheets and freshly made bed. I would stay whilst he slept, or watched TV. Most of the time I read. I can’t remember one book or title of any book during that time.

I would stay with him in that “cell” because that is what it became for both of us a cancerous prison but with hope the door would be unlocked to a future. I would heat his supper in the hospital’s “family room” microwave – clean up and come home at 7 to get dishes etc. for the next day and start all over again.

My daughter was at the end of her pregnancy, when Chris was admitted for the first stem cell procedure. She wasn’t due until at least two weeks after Chris was due to be released from the first stem cell transplant ( Autologous) , but once again, somehow I KNEW (yet another premonition) , I was going to be torn would between hospitals – I would be travelling between hospitals and the needs of my two children. I was right, Chris was at the end of the first procedure when Nikki went into labor two weeks early .

I had just crawled, exhausted, into bed when my son in law called to say Nikki’s water had broken and to meet them at the hospital as Nikki wanted me with her when she gave birth. Even though Chris had been in one hospital being chemically killed he was on the phone to Nikki the whole time talking her through the pain of birth, making her laugh, easing her mind. They were miles apart and yet Chris was there for her as I knew he would be. Chris talked to her through the hours of labor, making her laugh, getting her through. They were always there for each other

Chris and his sister, Nikki – on the happiest night of her life

Chris said:

hey at least you will get out of there in a couple of days even when I get out I will have to come back….. hang in there … you can do this….

He said to Nikki after he heard it was a baby boy. let me tell Nana and Dad and he did . I didn’t see him for 4 days after the birth as I was with Nikki, but his counts came back quickly , quicker than expected and he was released/

Chris came home on April 3rd and met his nephew for the first time, he was amazed at how tiny Gavin was. Nikki’s house was the first place he came straight from the hospital . Nikki, with Gavin in her arms and Chris and held onto each other that afternoon ….

To be continued

October 3, 2020 at 12:00 pm 1 comment

July 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 6 – Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

If the night before at the Rehearsal Dinner was hot , the day of the wedding dawned humid and hotter. I don’t handle heat and no sleep at the best of times, and this definitely wasn’t a good time. For the sake of my children and family I tried so hard to act cheerful and excited, all the while with this great lump of concrete in my gut and a dread of things to come. I can only liken this feeling to having the overwhelming feeling /intuition by getting on to a plane and knowing it will crash. I knew the prognosis for Chris form of cancer Hodgkin’s Lymphoma was excellent, 95 percent cure rate, ” if you had to have cancer this is the one you would want” a few rounds of chemo and a couple of treatments of radiation and you will be fine.

BUT then why did everything in my mind scream at me there is a world of hurt coming our way ……?

artwork Chris Ritchey

THE WEDDING

I knew that Chris would be putting on a brave face, he had a round of chemo on the Thursday and it usually caught up with him by the Saturday, and here he was having to go through a horrendously busy morning, afternoon and evening. I knew he would not let on how he was dealing and feeling with all the poisons coursing through his body. He was so particular when it came to Nikki’s wedding in regard to his tuxedo, having to make a special trip to the tailor to have it adjusted the day before. Nana and Chris at Nikki’s Wedding

Chris had lost weight with the cancer and chemo and his tux was too big, but he didn’t seem to care, not at all like Chris, but then he had more on his plate to worry about.

The wedding at St. Mary’s Catholic Church officiated by Father Daniel Divis , Chris had refused the usual Catholic protocol to get married in the church , and he was allowed to do so probably due to the cancer diagnosis and the Father Divis “relationship” he had with the Lombardis.

I sat in that church , not being very enamored with organized religion as a bit of a hypocrite, but it was Chris and Angela’s day , it was her faith and she was very in touch with her faith. My husband and mother and I sat there “together but alone” .

The ceremony over , and I couldn’t hear a word, but then Angela always made me feel like I was deaf, so soft spoken was she. I had spent the morning putting together a small cooler bag for Chris and the wedding party ( mainly for Chris) to take in the limo. It had cold water , some snacks he could eat after chemo , and some cool cloths as his body temps rose after chemo set in.

Wedding over I came home showered and cried until it was time to put on the “face” again for the reception. No matter how I tried I just could not get out of this terrible feeling like some darkness was going to envelop me.

Oh ! this happy day could only get worse heat wise when the air-conditioning at the Holiday Inn failed. However, as bad as that was as I went to the gifts table to put our check in for the Bride and Groom , not a “wishing well” or a cute little decorated box but a “casket ” with flowers on the top courtesy of Sue Lombardi ‘WHAT WAS THE WOMAN THINKING – WAS THIS APPROPRIATE” Was I being overly sensitive? although the comments from my friends they too were shocked and my mother was furious.

” I knew as soon as I saw that coffin on the table it would hurt you Loraine”

The wedding although apparently enjoyed by others left me flat especially when Father Divis reacted to the best man’s speech, I wrote about it afterward , (at the time I did not mention his name BUT of course now in that blog post he is mentioned )as I was shocked , although this man of God would shock me later after the death of my son to my core !

“This was brought home over the weekend ( and I can take a joke better that a lot of people) . A speech that bordered on not only the insulting ( for me )cultural racism by a priest (Daniel O. Divis – Office of the Secretariat)who insulted every English person and non catholic at a function. He spoke of Ulster and Northern Ireland in a way that for those of us who lived through the bombings and were directly effected by the IRA and the terrorism THEY inflicted upon a population both Irish and English , that was financed primarily from this side of the Atlantic was akin to making jokes about 911. Would you tolerate jokes about 911?

So what makes it OK for a pseudo “Irish” priest of Lorain to make the jokes and insult a group of people because they are “English”? A fellow diner said it is just ignorance of the situation– I beg to differ any Catholic Priest who claims Irish lineage KNEW exactly what he was saying, which to me makes it all the more disgraceful – am I wrong??????

You tell me when is it ok for terrorism to be lauded and applauded and when is it abhorred – is it OK to make derogatory remarks as long as it is based on culture and then only one certain segment of the population’s culture – Is it Ok to do this based on culture and not colour???

Although I did have a “word” with the man- I am sure it fell on deaf ears…… So when is it OK – tell me???? because I find this grey area very confusing ?

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2008/06/08/when-is-it-ok/

AND THIS SPEECH WAS AT A “wedding”

We got through the wedding and reception,. The Mother/ Son dance was one of the toughest things I knew I had very little control left and as we danced ( and I told Chris ( who was always my confidant) I may need Nikki and his dad to help me through. He understood , he knew me so well and we were always upfront with one another. So when I was becoming “emotionally incontinent” halfway through the dance he signaled to Nikki and his dad to join us on the floor as a group. ( that did not go down too well with the Lombardi clan) .

My husband , mother and I left at a reasonable time just after the first guests were leaving. I told Chris Nana was tired but he knew and he by this time was physically showing the effects of a very long day and the poisonous chemo. I wanted to gather my child up and make him well , but all this was now out of my hands , he was a married man now!

The next day was “come over ( to the Lombardis) and look at the presents” day , we had company so I stayed with them . The next thing I remember was Chris coming round the corner with the casket under his arm with his Best Man. I said

what are you doing here?

He said:

Sue Lombardi and her mother were anxious to open up the “box” to see how much money they received

and he said

No! he and Angela would do that later .. I don’t want them knowing our business and who gave what so I have brought it here to stop their prying . . Turns out there was no check from the Lombardis in that casket,

Angela said : ” they paid for the wedding”

HA! thanks to their “bar arrangements” we paid more to the Holiday Inn for the drinks etc. than they paid for the wedding, and I know that how ? The wedding planner lady was so frustrated with them and their way of ordering her about she told me and actually gave me a discount on the total bar bill.

And so the next weeks came and went all too quickly.

To be continued …..

July 3, 2020 at 12:41 pm 6 comments

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 5- Chris Ritchey

No Limits- The book

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

The wedding plans went on. I excused myself from most of them by feigning migraines leaving my mother, daughter and husband to do the duty.

I was stretched thin on patience and discretion and retreat was for the me the better part of valor. I know my limits and I knew I could not deal with the Lombardi women ( at least not quietly).

The kick off came re the bridesmaid dresses , the drama- because my daughter ( who was, in my opinion, added to the group because of Chris’ insistence) DARED to have her dress altered to better fit. The phone call from the irate Sue Lombardi after they saw Nikki’s dress hanging at the seamstress ( without their permission) . I was curious as to WHY they apparently were at that same seamstress with their garments was never explained.

It was then after the ensuing chastising phone call from Sue, Chris who was irate, as he listened, as I dealt with his future mother in law , not angry with me but with Angela and Sue and the upset such a pettiness caused – I decided to politely back away from all things concerning the wedding, apart from paying. Truth be known they really didn’t want my input and obviously Chris was becoming caught in the middle of the women of his life at the same time as dealing with cancer.

We managed to get through the wedding shower all smiles and faking for the guests.

There was no way I could go to the “hen night”, aptly named in my opinion, so the dreaded migraine reappeared although I know I didn’t fool Chris , but he understood, he understood me better than anyone.That duty was left to Nikki and my mother .

My mother , bless her, got a bit inebriated ( thanks to Nikki) and since they were not made the most welcome by the “clan”, barely speaking to them I am told. My mother joined people at another table , after a few of the beverages my daughter ordered for her became the hit of the night with the other tables.

A dear friend, Mark, was eating at the same venue , he took some photos called me and said

” Your mum is such a character, she is entertaining the whole restaurant by grabbing a blow up man from another hen night group and dancing around the place, cheered on by the onlookers.

Not bad for a 90 year old woman.

Chris, who turned up with his friends to drive people home, laughed and said

Mum , Nana is just wonderful

I don’t think she went down too well with the Lombardi’s though.

a smile from Sue would have cracked her face in two

said Chris.

The Friday, of the rehearsal dinner on the 6th dawned so very hot and airless, totally out of keeping for early June. The wedding date was based on Angela wanting 06.07.08 numerical sequence. The dinner was planned at a facility overlooking Lake Erie in Lakeview Park. I had booked the place before it was even finished being built.

There was (of course) issues as to my choice of menu, I had decided on heavy, hot and cold hors d’oeuvres. I worked with a local caterer, who actually had been a family friend, well respected for his establishment and catering abilities. He told me that when the Lombardi women came to his establishment to check out its viability for the reception, they left him feeling insulted by their attitude . He was quite annoyed, and went above and beyond in all I asked from him.

The menu included mini Beef Wellingtons, meatballs, pasta, mini quiches, a carvery ( turkey, beef and ham) for sandwiches, salads of all kinds, crab claws and shrimp in ice, underneath an ice vase sculpture topped with flowers. Beer and wine ( no hard liquor allowed at that time) . cakes , cookies and deserts, strawberries and fresh fruit. The table fared groaned with food. However, when Angela was shown the menu, prior to the dinner ( as a courtesy I might add) , she went into the den with Chris and sent him out and he said to me….

Angela feels this needs to be adjusted , people will be coming in from out of town ( the event was set of 50) they will be hungry and she doesn’t think hors d’oeuvres will be appropriate , she suggests chicken , red skin potatoes , green beans and cheese and macaroni.

I said:

NO! Chris – this is my contribution to your wedding . I have put a great deal of thought, along with Nikki, and Nana on this from entertainment , decor and giving you something from me!

I realized Angela had not been at any of my “party planning” previously but I looked at Chris and said

when have I ever not had enough food at anything I have planned?

I called my caterer and told him what had been said and I asked him to add something along the line of chicken wings and a macaroni dish. He sighed and said “Typical”

The morning of the rehersal dinner I drove to Lakeview Park to check on final arrangement the food, tables , decorations etc. I looked out as I got into my car over to the lighthouse where Chris and Angela had become engaged.

Lorain Lighthouse – Lorain 365 ( L. Miller)

Nikki and I had helped Chris plan that July day of engagement, 11 months prior, the “asking Angela to marry me “place”. Christopher saying:

“You helped Jim to make Nikki’s engagement special you have to help me make this special too mum!

And Nikki and I did help- organizing champagne, roses, a table holding silver goblets and a boat trip to the Lorain Lighthouse on a beautiful day. Anticipating celebration Nikki and I, dad and others sat on the patio of the Jacalope restaurant looking out at the lighthouse happy for the young couple on this very special day.

So why, as I sat in the car looking out at the same scene- the same lighthouse shimmering in the heat of the day the afternoon before the wedding, albeit from a different perspective – why did, I feel such panic and the “knowing” this wedding should not take place?

I looked out on a shining blue lake, sunshine kissing the waves and argued with myself:

“What the hell is wrong with you, why aren’t you happy you should be happy –
Yes, Chris has been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s but the prognosis is good, why aren’t you wanting to celebrate?

Angela has stood by him through this diagnosis, she has helped him – she has stuck by him- this has to be such a difficult time for her – (I admired her and was grateful to her for that)

He is getting married, starting a life so what is it with you? Why are you sitting here at Lakeview looking out at the lighthouse and feeling such a dreadful feeling?

I went home in a mood so dark, I couldn’t shake the feeling this wedding should not take place. My husband called my daughter I was in such a foul temper!

“you had better come talk to your mother she is having a melt down”

It was as if every fiber of my being was pulling at me NO! this wedding must not happen it will bring pain and sorrow to those I love. What was making me think this way? I have always trusted my “gut feelings” and this time I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

My daughter duly arrived and told me off in such a fashion as to make my own guilt and selfishness of feeling take place of the dreadful fear or premonition I was experiencing – Nikki did not hold back in her telling me like it was:

This is Chris’ wedding- the happiest day of his life- You have to stop this you have to think of Chris, he will be fine he will come out the other side of this, you can’t let him see you like this.

Of course , I thought she is right, once again I was being selfish, Chris has to come first and so you have to suck it up.

The rehearsal dinner for which I was responsible was lovely and everything went well I thought. I put on a brave face and tried to be a good hostess , but that feeling of dread did not leave – it was there with every smile every word uttered.

Chapter 6 the Wedding…….

June 3, 2020 at 11:19 am 2 comments

Nana’s MY BOOK- memories of another time

ED NOTE: My mother, Violet Janet Gabbey 1919-2018

My mum had a long and amazing life. Mum was 99 when she passed and was loved by all her friends and family. However, 40 years ago she was going through a very trying and emotional time in her life. Her only child, me, was three thousand miles away in the United States at the time and was unable to do much of anything.

Mum had nights of not sleeping I suggested she use that time to start writing down her memories of being young for her granddaughter , Nikki . I have always found writing things down cathartic and still find that to be the case. Mum scribbled notes on scraps of paper every time she couldn’t sleep .( I still have those notes)

A few years ago we sat in the den and she and I put them in some sort of order. Mum then sent a copy of what she named “MY BOOK” to the oldest grandchild of each of her brothers and sisters and to some special people .

Please remember when reading her words and memories it was a very different time , especially in her young years, what was pretty much the norm then probably wouldn’t be acceptable today.

Cover Design Chris Ritchey

So , where is the beginning of it all? Upon reflection and trying to summon up the very first picture, there is a faint imprint in my mind. Can a child of three really retain, retell the event so many years on? Could I really see six or seven human forms lying on a mattress of black and white ticking strung between wooden frames? The box like shapes, the harsh sounds of human retching , the pungent smell of oil and vomit, that unpleasant fragrance still is in my nostrils. Some photo of that time with its sights and smells must have embedded itself forever in my mind

I can still feel still the roll and steady beat of a noise below. I was huddled, warmed and comforted by another little body next to mine. I can see my mother lying stretched out a short distance away from us; her long dark hair was damp and lying untidily on the pillow. I knew somehow she was ill too. My Father was on his feet , I see his arms with dark shapes and lines on them holding a cup to my mouth. He was telling me

“Drink this, you will feel better”

then oblivion and I remember no more .

Many years afterwards I made the discovery that my first recollection was of being in a cabin of a troop ship travelling home to England. The ship was bringing soldiers and their families, who had been serving in southern Ireland ( where the Anglo – Irish War – [1919-1921] had broken out after the Great War.(1914-1918)

My father was a soldier and a very good one. I fear, however he always drank too much and was forever shouting . He had scores of wonderful stories in him. He had a moustache which tickled and scratched when he would kiss you.

The dark shapes and lines were tattoos which he had subjected himself to in a far away land. When I was very little and asked about them he said the one said ” I love Betty” I used to wonder how could my mother bear to see that day after day , as her name was Charlotte! However, the “I love Betty” was just my fathers peculiar sense of humour . When I was older and could read and looked more closely I found there was only two hearts entwined with a lover’s knot and there was no wording there at all……

To be continued:

April 22, 2020 at 12:48 pm 3 comments

Feb 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 1. Chris Ritchey

NOTE: At one point in their relationship Angela told me she had said to Chris, ” Your mother ( Me) will write our love story and you ( Chris) will do the illustrations. Well not exactly the story anyone envisioned.. but the truth!

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

CHAPTER ONE….

I was married for 8 years before I felt the quickening of a baby beneath my heart, a baby girl whom I cherished and cherish. 3 years and 10 months later a little boy completed our small family. Like countless mothers before me, I would talk to my children as they grew within my body. The day they were born, the moment mother and child were left to one another after all the turmoil of birth, I too, promised them to always love them, protect them and never let anything happen to them. I wish I could put into words the feeling that grabs at your very innards as your child is put into your arms.

Some say that exquisite joy must be compensation for the pain of birth, others will tell you the bond is strengthened by the fact the child’s DNA having passed through the walls of the womb stays with the mother. Therefore, you are always part of your mother’s body. Months of sharing a body, heart and breath of life, there is nothing closer, the sound of a mother’s heartbeat- the lullaby of life. The very life essence that makes each one of individuals shared and a love that knows no limits. All I can tell you is that from that first fluttering of life I was consumed with a love for them that was greater than anything I had previously known.

The bond I shared with my son was different to the one I shared with my daughter. Nikki was so like her father, laid back, non-confrontational and even tempered. Chris, on the other hand, was volatile, passionate, definitely did not suffer fools and loved a good fight. He was more my child. I always knew what would set him off and we had the proverbial test of wills as he was growing up but underneath the clashes of wills he knew I would walk through fire for him and I knew he would do the same for us. The love shared was not on show, it was there and deep rooted.

My little girl and her baby brother soon left childhood days behind, life was normal, school, holidays, hobbies new friends , new loves and yet my daughter Nikki and her brother Chris retained a bond between them that was unbreakable. Nikki was always there for Chris and Chris was always there for Nikki. It wasn’t contrived or for show, they were each other’s sounding board, life line – it was them against the world, if need be.

I would watch them and knew whatever happened to me or their father they would always take care of each other no matter what.

Nikki married, moved out, life went on.

Chris was a student at Cleveland Institute of Art.

Other self by Chris Ritchey

Every weekend he came home and when I say home – he had two, this house where he was born and his sister’s. Nikki’s husband, Jim, became the brother Chris never had.

There was a lot of love and laughter in those years. I knew Nikki would always have Chris in time of need and Nikki would fly to his side no matter what. I relaxed in the notion they would always have each other.

He had been dating a young woman in his last year of High School- Angela Lombardi. She seemed a quiet little thing, I tried to make her welcome when she came for holiday dinners. I always got the feeling we were getting what my mother called the white glove test and that we didn’t measure up to her standards.

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

Although my son broke up with her for a few weeks in the latter part of 2005 “as she was too clingy and didn’t give him room” they did get back together thanks in part to a conversation I had with him at 4 o’clock in the morning!

He had asked me:

mum what is love ?

We explored, love, the flush of new love and sexual attraction, the role of family and caring. The conversation lasted many hours, a few weeks later Chris renewed the relationship with Angela.

I was happy at the time although the day in June when he came through the door with his sister with “news” – I wasn’t so sure .

I saw the look on Chris and Nikki’s faces that June day- they sat guilty together , after asking their dad to join us in the living room my mind racing, something was up? Finally Nikki said to Chris-

you’d better tell them!

My first thought was Oh God Angela is pregnant- it was that sort of vibe – not such good news coming- I held my breath.

Then Chris said quietly-

Angela wants to get married –

I was stunned, not what I was expecting! Not knowing what to say ‘relief I guess she wasn’t pregnant”

“ Well congratulations, I guess – how about YOU do you want to get married ?

Chris gave a little shrug :

I suppose so –

Worrying to me what he said and didn’t say – this was not the reaction of a young man who was getting engaged.

Chris had just been hired by Wyse Advertising, he had very little money to speak of and was just starting his career.

I said “well you’d better plan on living here to save up for married life.

My thoughts of this is not good timing – my thoughts to the “other mother in the equation” A person I had barely met more that a half a dozen times , and never really had any conversation with her at all. – I asked:

when was the date?

Chris didn’t know and I found myself thinking Sue Lombardi, the mother of Angela, I knew from mutual acquaintances was a controlling individual when it came to Angela – she would surely make it a long engagement .

How many times had Chris ordered flowers on my credit card account to cheer Angela up when the mother, whom they called Mama Sue and Psycho Sue, had upset her for NOT living up to Sue’s standards of achievement? I thought, Sue will not be happy at this and therefore I needn’t worry………..

The engagement – to be continued

February 3, 2020 at 2:04 pm 6 comments

August 3rd- Linked – Chris Ritchey

Graphics Chris Ritchey

Every street in this oldest neighborhood is designated by the signs designed by you for Lorain’s Bicentennial. It was supposed to bring a sense of pride to the residents who have continued to stay here and fight for a quality of life, the history of these oldest streets and a preservation of a neighborhood that was.

I wish I could say that those of us that banded together and set up a 501C3 30 years ago had succeeded in our endeavours but thanks to bank dumps in 2008-2009 with over 200 properties being dumped sometimes for pennies on the dollar, the unscrupulous out of town landlords and property companies, drug houses, lack of code enforcement well we have become a saturated solution of the negative.

Two things came together in my brain this week……. the news of a young man of 16 shot and killed by other young men… just two blocks away, the gun shot waking us up as the sounds of killing reverberated through the night air. I watched the news that evening and as I did the TV camera panned up to the street sign on 6th street, YOUR SIGN and my focus changed instantly as once more I was sent back to your passing and then the pain and I realized another mother , that of a 16 year old , would be weeping tears , heart pounding , trying to breathe trying to deal with the reality of the unreal.

Will she experience the tiniest interludes of happiness? You see, once in a great while, when exhaustion forces the body and mind to sleep there are moments, just between sleeping and waking. One such moment came this week the air was cool enough for the windows to be open and for a brief second as the sun kissed the morning to waken the day , the breeze picked up the peppery scent of the petunias in the window box, this body hadn’t quite realized it had aches and pains, there was for that precious second happiness and then “life” intruded once more……. and mothers weep for lost sons in this old neighborhood……..

Another August of holding my breath , fighting back the tears , holding myself ready for the trigger moments , knowing they will come and wanting

Love continues………. and memories of times much happier……..before life intruded

August 3, 2019 at 12:56 pm 2 comments

June 3rd – archeology of sorts- Chris Ritchey

Oh! the pond, what a pain I am having with pumps , tubing and fish eating birds and animals. I have spent a small fortune on equipment this spring. The winter weeks, after your Dad was in the hospital, your brother-in law had to stop by a few times a week in the days of “polar vortex” to make sure we kept a hole in the ice. Just when I thought I had everything sorted last week , nets in place , aerators , new pump and filter system hooked up, and the waterfalls pump working and bringing at least me some peace and happiness as I watched the water cascading down the falls, of course, the waterfalls pump stopped working.

Now nothing is easy in this house, I could no longer find the same pump , the tubing was too big, too small, and this pump didn’t fit the old filter system. I tried as best I could to clean the filters every two days and that is a horrible job. Why ??? because your Ghost Koi needs air and clean water, from over forty fish we are down to 17 including “The Ghost”. Due to my diligence of filter cleaning every couple of days the water is crystal clear. The offending pump had to be taken out and replaced. Heron apparently don’t like ripples so making sure the water ripples means three pumps functioning .

I shut everything down and gingerly balanced precariously on the edge. The water was so still and clear I, for once, could see the very bottom of the pond. The Ghost Koi loomed large – 10 years of eating and being king of the pond, he has grown to a formidable size. As I teetered and wobbled trying to reach the old pump under the falls, the thought crossed my mind,

I might end up joining him… death by “pond life”,

he wasn’t actually endearing me to him in that moment and then I saw a glint of gold lying on the bottom.

I strained to see what was shining up at me and then I realized it was a pair of your aviator sunglasses, you too had been searching for the Koi that last summer ( a much smaller little fish) and had dropped your glasses and there they were still- where they had fallen. A reminder of why I need to protect and maintain the pond so my last Mother’s Day gift from you continues..the Ghost Koi…..

Those glasses and ones like them that hid you eyes from us when you would hear the bad news the Doctors would tell hiding tears and pain. Those same glasses that brought my tears flowing once more a reminder of a life too short. and a son lost.

I suppose when we are gone and he pond is filled in will someone, in a time to come, may dig the space they might wonder how a pair of aviator glasses came to be 4 foot underground and the story behind them… a curiosity for the future…… the missing of you, our love and memories that should have been can sometime cripple………

June 3, 2019 at 8:55 am 2 comments

May3rd – Mothers and sons – Chris Ritchey

1st Mother’s Day card- Christopher Ritchey

I still have your first Mother’s Day card and all the little gifts through your childhood years, they along with the ones from your sister are still here in bedrooms, living room, den and kitchen. Chubby little handprints in clay , adorn walls along with art work and memories of happier Mother’s days.

This coming Mother’s Day is a first because for the first time in my life I will not have my mother your Nana to help celebrate. Coincidentally, when Nana retired and came to live here she arrived on Mother’s Day of that year and now I have lost you and her. Although little gifts of mine she had kept still wait to be dusted in her little living room.

And then there is your last Mothers Day gift to me , the ghost koi.

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/ghost-in-the-pond-a-koi-story/

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/the-ghost-in-the-pond-continues/

Oh Chris what a few days I have had protecting him, by far the largest fish in the pond , he is so big. BUT that damned Heron who arrived last year is back again bigger than ever and now two others come to call. I have set up obstacle courses around the perimeter, tried all the “get rid of Heron” tips. Climbed over slippery moss-covered rocks, wobbled on the edge hoping my knee will not all of a sudden decide it has had enough. moved shelves for the fish to hide, all in vain the “angel of death ” just laughs at me as he circles over head.

Nothing deters him , he cruises in on huge blue wings and lands on a dime. He and his buddies have depleted my lovely fat goldfish by half , some of which have lived in that pond for 13 years since you helped dig the “new one” .

He partially eats them, or drops them and others he swallows whole. It is a bit like living with grief as it swallows one whole or takes bites out of you daily. We have lost at least 14 of the big goldfish and the smaller ones…. well who knows. The ones that are left huddle at the bottom of the pond close to your Ghost Koi – protection –

I don’t know but they don’t stray far from him. . I will battle on with this “angel of death” beautiful though they are so I can keep the “ghost” and the memory of that last Mother’s Day as I watched you slipping him into the pond.

I am so proud of you my son and love you through eternity …..

Breath of Life – Celtic Knot – Chris Ritchey

May 3, 2019 at 11:01 am Leave a comment

Older Posts

That Woman’s Weblog

Posts filed under ‘Mothers’

March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12

Oct. 3rd No Limits Chapter 9 – Chris Ritchey

July 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 6 – Chris Ritchey

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 5- Chris Ritchey

Nana’s MY BOOK- memories of another time

Feb 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 1. Chris Ritchey

August 3rd- Linked – Chris Ritchey

June 3rd – archeology of sorts- Chris Ritchey

May3rd – Mothers and sons – Chris Ritchey

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