Posts tagged ‘death’
No Limits-Bk 2-Chapter 4- Beyond the Vale
Chris Ritchey Source
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/05/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-3-beyond-the-vale/
Triggers and Premonition
I am finding it extremely difficult to write today , although writing about my son and his journey through his life before he passed and now after, the first week of June is crippling.
I hate the first week of June it is a trigger, the wedding that I dreaded and the lead up to how the Lombardi family crucified all kindness and played a game of utter selfishness as my son lay dying and died. IF THAT WEDDING HADN’T TAKEN PLACE OUR GOODBYES WOULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT.
Do you believe in premonition? What is it anyway :
Is premonition that little voice in your head, the half remembered dreams, pieces parts of which seemingly come to fruition years down the road? Or how about that gut feeling you have an instant dislike to someone you meet for the first time- a complete stranger no baggage that comes with them except maybe in the future.
I have had these things happening to me all my life – but they never come when I “need them to come”. It doesn’t happen to everyone of my kith or kin –
Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking
“he has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”
and then dismiss it with
“why ever did I say that”
as post baby hormonal flare ups?
Is that why I spoiled him rotten- gave him everything he wanted – forgave him everything?
And since he was the only other one kith or kin that had “dreams” ( even as a toddler
“mummy that happened before – I dreamt it
– did he know that his life would be cut short somehow? All I know is that damned wedding to Angela Lombardi filled me with dread from the very first moment he sat on the steps with his sister facing his dad and I .
“you had better tell them Chris”
Oh no I thought Angela must be pregnant! No he kept his head down talking to the floor….
” Angela wants to get married”
Chris did not look the happiest I had ever seen him….. something is wrong I thought…
“What about YOU, do you want to get married”
I guess so
said the far from joyful groom to be.
I looked at my son and thought to myself well I can’t see Sue Lombardi wanting this marriage it will be months. Angela had other ideas, she had the date set and the next week we were “bridal dress shopping.
The whole time leading up to this wedding my heart was not in it. I had bad feelings, warnings from my brain and emotional being.
This is not boding well, something is so wrong, this wedding shouldn’t happen.
It would be akin to arriving at an airport and knowing you shouldn’t get on that plane, run every fiber in my body was screaming, don’t let this wedding happen .
But that was nonsense wasn’t it , a young couple , a son I loved with all my heart , I wanted him to be happy ..what was wrong with me? Yes he had had the cancer diagnosis a few weeks before, but that was not it, somehow I knew that wasn’t the reason for the dread.
Chris Ritchey- CIA
I knew when he was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma ( the curable cancer , the one you want it you have to have cancer….what Doctor even says that?
Was it my dread of “Cancer” that didn’t want the diagnosis of the “curable cancer”….. that made me look away from the symptoms – not wanting to take that first step on a journey whose ending would cause such unbearable pain. Like the ostrich and the sand did I not want to face what I knew was coming at us sending us into a bottomless well of emotional agony .
Was it already knowing the script when the Doctors kept saying
” test show you are cancer free “
that I wanted to scream at them and his wife :
No!!!!! he isn’t there is something wrong
( three times that happened) and each time the diagnosis eventually came back NOT cancer free at all.
And why do we have these premonitions if we can’t change the outcome? Are they just another instinct we can’t fully utilize –
The White Coat of Dr. Death- by Chris Ritchey
I knew, as I have written before from the dreams and flashes of de ja vu, something wicked was coming for my son and this curable cancer was not going to go away.
I saw him in death surrounded by the Lombardis, a picture in my mind I tried to shake off time and time again on that first day that started the screaming
and yet as I have also written my fears came to pass
E. Munch- 1895
The Lombardis and their kin were poison to be dealt with, their toxicity at the worst time in Chris’ family’s lives and I knew why the premonition of fear of that wedding had been so strong.
How do you know what is real, did we just have a desperate need to know Chris was ( or his energy) still there , somewhere? In those first weeks of the new year, were we collectively hallucinating, going mad in our grief , the three women in Chris Life, his sister, mother and grandmother desperately looking for signs and yet not wanting to appear ludicrous to each other or to others. We kept quiet , except to talk a little to each other, testing the waters so to speak to see how what was happening was really happening to all of us. A ball suddenly rolling across the room, a fragrance of aftershave.
I mentioned what I thought might be happening to a dear friend whose relative “could see” would it be alright to have her come to Nikkis . We just sat talking about every day things, the relative seemed perfectly normal , I didn’t get any weird vibes, what were we supposed to be doing, holding hands around a table , meditating ,no we were just drinking tea and eating cake. around the fire.
All of a sudden the fire flared and the log fell out, which was a little worrying considering there was only one log still burning , but those things happen I didn’t see any collation between that and was we were waiting for.
It was then the “relative” said
“Loraine , Chris is standing behind you
artwork Chris Ritchey
I immediately turned around, I didn’t see or feel anything, but if he was there well I was going to talk to him. You would think I would have asked ,
are you alright, can you give us a sign?please talk to us…….
No! this mother with all the pent up hurt and anger rather angrily stated:
Chris, how could you have married that bitch, do you know what has happened , what are we supposed to do? we are broken we can hardly move with the pain of losing you
You can imagine my reaction was not what the relative who “could see” and my friend were expecting . In fact the relative was more than a little annoyed,
you can’t speak to the spirits that way
Yes I can , if Chris is truly in this room he would expect no less from his mother ! and it is all true , we are going through hell due to his choice of a bride.
Everything was very quiet and the party broke up, my mum laughed and said
well guess that wasn’t in the cards…couldn’t see that I guess.
I felt very guilty and we decided no more “could see” adventures. The just as we were getting ready to go home from the talking truck in the kitchen chimed in ” C is for ….”
to be continued
NO LIMITS-BK 2.- Chapt 2-BEYOND THE VALE
Chris Ritchey Source
Links to previous Chapters and Book One – the before—-
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
And so it was Christmas Eve, the Lombardis had put Chris’ cremains in the ground, without kith or kin or even having the decency to inform his family of times etc. just 5 days previously .
My mum had gone back to her little apartment, a few blocks away. We changed traditions that year and they have remained the new traditions ever since.
Oh ! I decided Chris would not be forgotten by his baby nephew as he grew . Chris had always loved the presents and especially giving them. So the “Chris Miss Present” has become a yearly “over the top gift ” for both his nephews now, they know him in more ways than one.
I stopped Christmas at this house, there are no decorations since that dreadful Christmas, no real tree ( Chris insisted upon)., the decorations of Nikkis and Chris’ special childhood decorations were packed up and given to Nikki for her tree, along with the memories of wonderful times .
I just wasn’t strong enough to deal with the hypocrisy I felt , I couldn’t, as my mum asked put a good face on it, not in my own home that had become my refuge from the outside world and my prison. Now, I still visit Christmas and can leave when it becomes too hard. I found it works for me and my husband.
That Christmas Eve , I tried, for the sake of the baby and his first Christmas and my daughter who was also “putting on a brave face” and the immediate family. We were all trying to be normal and it was as false and fake and no-one was fooling anyone else. We just went through the motions like a bad theatre rehearsal. That year saw the beginnings of new traditions which have now become the annual tradition, no more English Christmas Dinner. We opted for Lobsters and all the trimmings. I do the Christmas Eve fare at Nikkis on Christmas Eve and we go to her home Christmas night Although as Chris used to love to light the Christmas pudding his nephews made the pudding- with first my mum and then me- and they bring it to the table to light, only two of us eat it though!
Then that first Christmas Eve came the rather somber gift exchange although, the gifts were mainly for a little baby who really knew nothing of what was happening even when Santa Claus arrived. My son-in-law was the one with his delicious humor that kept spirits alive.
I was allowed to leave my “visit to Christmas” I (hopefully) smiled in the right places and tried but inside I was failing miserably to cope. Driving home through the neighborhoods of Christmas lights twinkling , decorations of celebrations I could barely see through the tears to drive. I fell up the stairs in my rush to get to the bedroom where my “crying pillow” was waiting for my flood gate of tears.
I have been told everyone handles their grief in different ways. I don’t think I “handle” anything , even after these years I can only liken my “carrying on with my life” as dealing with a chronic condition, one that has become a part of me. The flare ups, the emotional incontinence that comes unasked and unexpected. If there is an upside to this grief, for me the pain is such that I hit bottom so no longer does anything other than illness or hurt to my remaining family scare me. I am numb to the angst, strife and wanting connections or accolades . There is freedom and an honesty for me in the person I have become.
That first Christmas Day – AD- I had spent what was left of Christmas Eve, wandering the house, going back to the bedroom , trying to sleep. I found myself asking the questions in my head, the same questions I know other mothers have asked?
Why my child? What did I do , what did they do ? If there is this God or all powerful entity. Why was my son, who had done nothing taken when cretins are allowed to carry on creating havoc, ruining lives , killing and maiming (even in this old neighborhood) . Was I being punished for some “sin” Was it my fault? Could I have seen things earlier, could I have done something else , did I miss something ? Could I have done more to try and save him?
artwork Chris Ritchey
I realized I had somehow in my sheer emotional exhaustion wandered into Chris’ former bedroom and had fallen in a sleep ( for want of a better word) I found myself waking , my senses on heightened alert I was listening , trying to feel , trying to reach out to my son. I was holding his jacket, breathing in the remnants of his aftershave , the smell of him as if it would aid communication. I could hear his voice in my mind but not with my hearing, I could close my eyes and see his face , but not him . I questioned and tried and there was nothing , no answers, no Chris.
My mum called wanting to know about “Christmas Day” were there plans. I said No not for me . I just couldn’t I had used up what little reserves I had . I was being bombarded with loss . I was questioning too much doubting everything. Why were his wife and family being so cruel?
I decided to start my clearing away of things , I was sure I wouldn’t be able to continue in my own existence holding this excruciating emotional and yes physical pain for very long. I started by clearing out the desk that held the phone upon which I had spoken to mum, seemed like a good place to start, years of papers and notes stuffed into that drawer,
I lit the fire and pulled out the drawer. Throwing schedules of soccer, notes, old letters some receipts all the junk that I had managed to “I should keep that, just in case” scenarios.
My mum , worried about me would call ,
why are you doing this? you need to rest…. be with people who love you.
No! I said I am looking for Chris. I have to do this and I don’t know why but I have to.
She probably thought I had lost the plot .
Well you wont’ find him cleaning a junk drawer
she said, more than a little annoyed I think and worried about her child me!
I finally threw all that needed to be disposed of into the fire, tidied the desk and watched as the flames died down. My mum called again
“Are you feeling any better , should I come over and make you something, Loraine, Chris would not want you making yourself ill”
As she carried on speaking I noticed caught under the side of the couch and up turned envelope, one of the many that had been relegated to the fire, that I had missed. I picked up the envelope to throw it into the dying flames when I realized there was something in it I turned it over and on the front it had Chris CIA in his writing. My mum was still talking but I wasn’t really listening. I didn’t recall seeing this before , but I gingerly opened the envelope, inside were slides a just three. I told mum I would call her back, ran to the den and found the little portable slide holder.
And there they were. I HAD seen the photos before BUT not as slides or in an envelope. As Chris walked across the stage at Clevland Institute of Art the day of his graduation and when he was most happy, receiving his BFA.
The students had to express themselves visually that day as to who they were , what was important to them and this was done on a huge screen behind them in sequence. These were the slides that had been used…I never knew they existed before that day or after.
What was most important to my son :
Who I am- Freedom Speaks – art work Christopher Ritchey
by Chris Ritchey Freedom of Speech
“Speech Can Separate You From Everyone” poster- Chris Ritchey
I cried, again, but this was a different sort of tears – they relieved. Whether by accident or design I didn’t know but I had received a gift from my son once again on a Christmas Day .... to be continued
NO LIMITS- BK 2- Forward. Beyond the Vale
NO LIMITS- Forward .. Book 2
Beyond the Vale……
Chris Ritchey Source
Beyond the Vale? What is the meaning, a 14th century word, a vale ( valley of tears )
passed away
verb(euphemism) (past of, pass away) (to die)
For the past three years every month I have written of my son, his life , the love he gave us and we gave in return, the journey from hell that saw us diminished, changed and crippled with grief.
Any mother who has lost her son or daughter knows without my explaining the “gutting of grief” No explanation is required. You can find all the 36 links to those months of writing in the last Chapter of Book One – No Limits:
Readers, who are now reading this forward of Book 2. may not understand, may not believe, will try and find “logical” explanations, even call me demented, out of my mind. The tragedy of losing a child will change you, you are no longer the person after such a passing than you were before. It isn’t just mothers, fathers and sisters , death defines the “new” you, you do become less than before, and we are irrevocably changed.
I wonder, how many who start to read this will finish it? How many will think yes she has definitely lost the plot and how many who have so far survived their grief will recognize the traits and actions in themselves .
After someone , who means more to you than your own life passes, and NO! it doesn’t have to be a son, daughter, there are a great many levels of love of those in our worlds; have you looked for the signs? No matter your religious or non religious beliefs?
I believe, we want to make sure somehow those loved ones aren’t totally lost to us forever, a confirmation the love that was so all compelling in our lives someone is still out there in another form, sending and reaching out signals . A great many articles blogs etc have been written on the subject, for instance
https://www.joincake.com/blog/signs-from-deceased-loved-ones/
When Chris was dying in that horrible ICU room with the “gang of grief” hovering, waiting to pull the plug…. ..my daughter ( as I have written) said to him.
‘ Chris come home and see me anytime’ ,
I remember thinking:
Oh my god has she not realized he will never come home , or is she trying to give him last words of comfort?
And then she left the room, I watched as almost imperceptible to my eyes the colour of his face changed before me as the blood drained and settled.
My beautiful son who had been so full of life and love and energy , what happened to those parts of him not hooked up to machines. Where did they “settle “? Does all that love and energy and “life force” just dissipate and decay as our cells, atoms and chemicals that make up our bodies? We do know, as explored in writing in the previous No Limits ,mothers carry the DNA of our child in our bodies for decades after they have been birthed. 
I am, sure we all in our families have the ” dying tales”, the “phenomenon of losing “and what has happened to us, the anecdotal evidence of family history when the “vale of tears” comes our lives.
My father, had told me of losing his stepfather, a man he loved profoundly , rushing back on emergency leave from his ship, as this most important man in his life was passing, he was allowed into the room to say his solitary goodbye. He told me once that sitting there trying to be a brave soul , “Uncle Jacks’ heart stopped, he went to reach to kiss his forehead and there was some force, very briefly that blocked his way . He always thought it was the soul leaving the body. not a religious man by any sense of the term, and maybe it was his own being that stopped that forward momentum , but well….. he believed it so I did.
It seems to me that belief of family and religious structure gets all mythized in books, bibles, religious beliefs, we trust what our community , no matter what part of the world or what religious community tells us for thousands of years and beyond that .
We as humans need to believe there is so much more but by the same token will scoff as “ghosts” , make light of what happens to some. Why , skepticism is all well and good. I will welcome the readers skepticism . And so it begins>>>>>>>
QUOTE CHRISTOPHER RITCHEY
“Nothing should be hidden or untouchable, if it is your truth and you stand behind it – no one should be able to silence you “
January 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 35- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty-One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-31-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/09/03/september-3rd-chapter-32-no-limits-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-33-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/11/03/november-3rd-no-limits-chapter-34-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/12/03/december-3rd-no-limits-chapter-35-chris-ritchey/
All the tomorrows
It is the third anniversary of when I started Chris’ journey of his life leading up to the passing and goodbye, every third of the month I have written about my son using his artwork for the most part, as I promised him I would. As of February 3rd 2023 I will be continuing his story, not all will believe but I swear on everything I hold dear , it is the truth .
Three years ago I wrote the forward to my journal and three years later I am still in astonishment as to the world and worlds we occupy:
As I ponder the wisdom of writing the events of life as we know it and death as we believe it to be, I know there will be questions I cannot answer, events I cannot prove.
I am opening myself, my family and my son to a world of naysayers, negativity and ridicule. I will reach the walls with this book. I will push aside and through the walls my peers in this “community” and others have erected for themselves and for me.
Ironically although I have always written the truth whenever I have sat at this keyboard and its predecessors I probably won’t be believed , explanations will abound, logic ( as we perceive things to happen)will come into play .
I have hesitated for months, even years, to tell the story from my self-imposed box. I have written millions of words on my personal blog in the 10 years since my son died. https://www.thatwoman.wordpress.com . I have written his story, I have opened myself and my innermost thoughts and feelings. I have told the tale of cruelty, searing pain and thoughts of suicide. I have exposed myself in ways not many would without fear. So then, why is it I hesitate to share all of our story, a story of continuing love, strength and astonishment?
But first I have to conclude with our goodbye, because this is where it starts:
Since the Clan of the Lombardis and his bride denied Chris’ loved ones any closure after his passing, the most cruelest cut of all, those who loved him beyond all measure, those 4 generations of his blood decided on our private “fare the well” in the woods he so loved.
Three months after Chris passed, still full of pain and not understanding the hypocrisy of Divis and the church ( including Bishop Lennon ( now deceased) I wrote to the head of their church . The Pope . I was answered by Cardinal Foley, at least he answered not so Divis and Lennon….(click on to enlarge)
The trees forming a canopy in our cathedral, the carpet of moss and leaves the floor, the smell of earth and life permeating the air, rather than sickly incense. A cleansing fire, and water. Thinking back on that day the goodbye and honoring Chris was very much of the elements, it wasn’t intentional, although my culture and forbearers were very much of the Celtic persuasion, we did not practice Paganism, but then again I am not of the persuasion of ANY organized religious beliefs.
Although clergy of many denominations offered assistance in trying to ease our grief and the journey of saying goodbye, I was too angry at the way the Catholic Church ( St. Mary’s Lorain), Father
Sharing a laugh – but on whom?
Divis https://www.dioceseofcleveland.org/offices/clergy-religious/directory/daniel-o-divis
and his parishioners in their way of control, did to this family in a time not to be borne by any parent. The cruelty of that man and the Lombardi parishioners made no sense to me when they preach love, kindness and do unto others.
No , the prayers offered up, if any, were private and silent, the thoughts written, and saved in a clearing for perpetuity. It was love pure and simple for a young man who was so loved, his passing changed us all.
There was no choir or even bag pipe music just a gathering of broken souls, screaming in silence. As we each went through our saying goodbye bringing to the afternoon Chris love for all things that made him Chris . The hymns were absent but music filled the air that afternoon. I had heard the rendition of Wild Horse sung by Susan Boyle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb3XAP0c8WU
Susan Boyle
In my grief as I listened to the lyrics , they spoke volumes to me ( highlighted words link to posts at the time )
Wild Horses
Songwriters: Richards, K. Jagger, M
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted
I bought them for youGraceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can’t let you slide through my handWild horses
Couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn’t drag me awayI watched you suffer
A dull aching pain
Now you’ve decided
To show me the sameNo sweeping exits
Or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter
Or treat you unkindWild horses
Couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn’t drag me awayI know I’ve dreamed you
A sin and a lie
I have my freedom
But I don’t have much timeFaith has been broken
Tears must be cried
Let’s do some living
After we dieAnd Wild horses
Couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn’t drag me away
We stood in silence around the fire that burned , fueled by everything that was tangible of the treachery of his bride and her family. We had purchased the CD and a player ( outdoor) for that farewell. However, as Susan sang the CD cut out, started again and then ” I watched you suffer” cut out again.
I was devastated tears rolling down my cheeks in the cold . I look at my “electronic genius of a husband standing holding baby Gavin. “what is happening ” without saying the words.
The music started again right where it left off and the again cut out on the words ” let’s do some living after we die” . By this time I was beside myself thinking damn I can’t even get a CD player to do its job…… then I heard Nikki’s voice :
” Christopher David , stop that we are trying to have the only goodbye we can give you”
The music started again and didn’t cut out . We carried on with our small tribute . Then we put away the items we had taken to the little memorial in the woods,
put out the fire and went inside.
The first thing I had my husband do was check the player. I was going to send it back as defective, I was angry. We played it a dozen times both outside and inside. Neither the player of the CD cut out.
Nana said
“well what was that all about?”
My husband checked he said there is nothing wrong with CD or the player, the power light was on the whole time , I don’t know. Then I said to Nikki :
“why did you say that to Chris, what made you think that”
She looked puzzled and said :
‘Honestly mum, I don’t know….. I just felt that and I could see it was upsetting you and I know how your heart is breaking and I wanted it to go as well as it could our goodbye…, I don’t know why ..just something……….
to be continued as Chris story continues in part two of NO LIMITS……
December 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 35-Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty-One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-31-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/09/03/september-3rd-chapter-32-no-limits-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-33-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/11/03/november-3rd-no-limits-chapter-34-chris-ritchey/
The ending comes, the beginning commences
December 11th – was a Friday – for 8 days we had walked zombie like through life- the shock of losing Chris still not allowing reality of the situation to sink in. In hindsight the signs of what was to come were there but unnoticed –
1. Moving our son from one ICU to another by the “committee of control” without even discussing it with his parents or sister. This act caused such a trauma to his poor body – heart rate up to 169- shock to his already compromised system- But of course this is the same decision-making bunch that decided it would be perfectly fine to send him on a 18 hour journey via trains and cars when he couldn’t cross the room on his own. I have said it before
Remember that night Angela you and your parents were making arrangements to put him on a damned train to Texas. You felt ( even with your medical background) this young man who couldn’t make it to the bathroom would be able to leave at three in the morning on a train to Chicago, change trains, to Austin and it was only a three-hour drive to Houston from there…..
Personally I am not sure what you people use for brains at times.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/i-didnt-know-my-son-chris-ritchey/
2. Neglecting purposely(imho) to tell us of our son’s deteriorating condition after moving him to that ICU which caused us all angst and Chris to fail further.
3. Allowing total strangers to us to crowd into his room and sitting holding a death vigil- I still to this day don’t know who they all were- and that was something that would have caused my son such anguish- after he could no longer speak (because of the vent) you allowed the ” death clusterers to ogle and text around his dying body” disgraceful behaviour and totally lacking respect. And there was nothing I could do- because I still had hope and every thought was for Chris and I didn’t want to cause him further distress when he did come off that vent- (you see I always thought he would.)
Oh! the list of ‘control incidences” continued unchecked in our time of losing.
Maybe had my mind not been full of disbelief at losing Chris I would have seen the pattern starting to emerge.
Maybe I would have realized MY SON , had become to them a commodity- a possession not a son , child, brother but something to be owned by the Lombardi and Company .
Maybe I would have not been taken by such surprise when a call came from the Funeral Home (8 days after my son’s death and ONE week after Angela (Lombardi) Ritchey had agreed to cremation and the decision of Chris’s ashes) stating that I need to meet with the Funeral Director.
These “people” didn’t have the common decency or courage to face us personally with one of the most personal decisions one can make .
That morning of December 11th my mother was here staying trying to deal with her own pain- worried about me and the state I was in and my husband when the phone rang. I knew something was wrong- apparently my mum hadn’t even been acknowledged at the memorial service – no concern for her by the dry-eyed controllers –
I threw on something to wear and ran over to the funeral home. What a sight I must have presented wild-eyed with grief and confusion. I was met by the Funeral Director – he said ( and I paraphrase- I was at the time having trouble processing his words)
Angela has decided not to honor the request for the division of Chris’s ashes.
I was perplexed-
How ? Why? She agreed a week ago- we have made arrangements for my mum to fly home with Tony – to release Chris’s ashes in England- we have made arrangements for our own service of closure here in Lorain- things have been put in place so that we can say goodbye in our way – Does she understand what this means to this family? Does she have any idea what this will do to my husband, Chris’s sister, all of us ? THIS IS A WICKED, WICKED THING THEY ARE DOING..
I was handed an envelope and written on the lined notebook paper was the explanation
“After much thought and consideration on what Chris would want, I have decided not to separate his ashes. This decision was not made as a reaction to recent events. It was not influenced by family or friends. Religion did not play a role. I reflected on what Chris would want me to do….
Then came the diatribe of Chris not being an organ donor and wanting to leave this world with what he came with………
I knew up until Chris’s last drivers licenses ( he had cancer by then) that he always had been an organ donor. I have his previous license.
None of this was making sense –
Recent events – I hadn’t spoken to her or seen her since the morning of Chris’s death.
What was she talking about???- getting her busy body mother out of my son’s ICU room when we were all told to leave… Not religion!!!!!!! Religious beliefs I could have understood –but she clearly states that wasn’t the case. I didn’t understand
“leaving this world with what he came with”
My mind was racing I said out loud to the man standing before me :
” Does she even know what cremation is – what happens in the process? She a damned Dr. (supposedly) does she not know what happens to organs in the cremation process– this reasoning ( if wasn’t so wicked and callous) would be laughable………not an organ donor this decision is wicked wicked, wicked and totally wrong. To base all the pain and turmoil this will cause to my family on such reasoning- it is unbelievable……….
How can she change her mind? You all witnessed the agreement- she stated her decision and agreed in front of witnesses
My mind by this time was running on hyper drive-
Yes, she has legal rights but there must be someway to stop this to appeal through her church – to initiate a legal process as to binding verbal contracts under Ohio law – and then the thought struck me:
Chris was not cremated yet- they– I know that family are all about “embalming– Cadillac casket and burial something that is abhorrent to me and I knew my son’s thoughts on their ceremonies only too well- but this way was preferable to them and they obviously were not considering anyone else but THEM.
I knew from Nikki that Angela had signed the papers for cremation after my son-in-law stated Chris had talked to him about it on their way back from Texas.
I said –
Chris hasn’t been cremated yet has he? She can’t change her mind on that can she? She signed papers she can’t go back on that?
Yes!
came the answer
Angela could very well change her mind up until the very last minute-
I remember the breath leaving my body- I was stunned- my mind and emotions exploding thoughts, running rampant, pictures in my mind of decomposition, his smile , his laugh , his dying all rushing through a brain still reeling from losing him . The faces as the funeral home staff watched me disintergrate
Oh God I thought no – I can’t let them do that to him– not Chris-
So I too had to make a decision -one nearly as hard as taking him off the vent –
I had to say and do nothing – I couldn’t go to attorneys about verbal contracts– witnesses – appealing through her church- the only thing I could do was “NOTHING” -nothing until my son’s poor body was cremated.
I couldn’t risk stirring the “keepers of cruelty and wickedness” from their self-righteous slumber in case they changed their minds again.
I had to let them think they had signed a contract and hope to hell ( not heaven) that they didn’t realize they could have changed their minds for the sake of my son knowing the consequences would be they would take his poor body and put it through their rituals of death as they are want to do and have done since he died just over a week before. I was stunned, I had no words, no direction, I sat there across the desk from the man who had his orders from the Lombardis . I could do nothing and then I said
“Am I as his mother allowed to put something in with my son”
The words came back: ” well I have no instructions from the Angela and the family saying otherwise. The Items would have to of material that would be able to be burned.
As I read the words of denial penned by your “bride” – I remembered the Viking ship.
The ship you had to make for a class at LCCC- the brief- a piece of work made with all natural materials sourced from your home – you sat and carved and cut from a log from the wood pile, tree branches from your tree planted as a child, a piece of deer skin found in the garage and scraped down for the sail and finally burning not painting the decoration to add to the dimension.
I knew that Viking Ship, which I carried around to college visits when you were transferring from LCCC was the closest thing I could do to give to you to honor the bravery of your fight against that disgusting disease. Your Nana called you her Viking and you were a warrior, so brave, hiding from us your pain.
Something to show our love as well had to go with you … the little England bear purchased from Harrods by you for me when you were returning from soccer in Manchester.
I carried that little bear with me in those first dreadful days after you died whilst meanness , selfishness and grief fragmented us beyond all being . He was crushed to my bosom I dare not let go of that little bear, in case I too would let go of this life. Those days of gutting agony he was my constant companion . It was still damp from my tears.
Finally our three gifts , your heritage , your passion for soccer ( football) your talent and the pride you had in playing the game well.. your England Shirt with your number 7- the number you always played :
I ran from the office , back to your old room , the bear actually was with me anyway. I gathered the Viking Ship , and the shirt, that still smelled of you and went back across the alley to the place of disgrace. I handed the items over , I am sure they thought I was mad. BUT: I DIDN’T CARE WHAT THEY THOUGHT – YOU WERE MY CHILD!!!
I knew that at least we had to try and I had to try to give to you what I could – to send your body from this dimension with love. Did those cretins of the cremains (THE LOMBARDIS) honestly believe I would let you go without honoring you and being involved in your goodbye? You were and are MY son I gave you life , I loved you in life , in death and now.
I came back home across the alleyway that separates the funeral home from our house, knowing that Chris’s body was just a few yards away that December 11th morning to my gentle mother broken even more as she heard what was happening- to a husband who was destroyed by the news they had denied his own goodbye (
Nikki who was full of anger,grief and questions
Chris’s cremation was tentatively scheduled for the 13th of December- so for 72 hours we waited- holding our breath – dreading the phone to ring- waiting – knowing that once again we were being collectively culled from anything to do with our son, brother grandson and nephew- the child , boy and man we so loved.
I watched through my own pain the pain, the desolation caused by Angela and her collective cohorts – what this did to the rest of my family. And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt Chris would NOT have wanted this emotional torture visited upon us.
On the 14th we were told Chris had been cremated- As I got off the phone that morning my mother was coming down the stairs- she looked at me- her lovely little gentle face afraid , eyes full of tears and said
“Oh no! what has happened now has she changed her mind? They aren’t going to bury him after all are they – Loraine you can’t let that happen- why are they doing this
I said
No! Chris has been cremated
and a 91-year-old sank to her knees on my living room floor in relief , sobs wracking her little body- this same little wonderful Nana -Chris had so loved – hurt in such a way – No! this is not what Chris would have wanted and Angela certainly did not honour him by causing his much-loved Nana such torment.
I cannot adequately describe those 72 hours, words fail me.
How Angela could have a few days earlier received a hug from that Nana who thanked her for her decisions for cremation and sharing the ashes, allowing closure in our way too- how Angela could then dismiss that face and that love from her mind as she wrote those words that would just add to the pain and suffering of his Nana is beyond my comprehension?
So on the 11th Day came the beginning of the beginning as I started to take back ownership of my grief and who my son was and the consequences of what happens when a mother and family are denied closure – when closure does not happen and a wound festers and bleeds still…………………“first do no harm”- the harm has been done AND THEIR LAST PARTING SHOT WAS NO ONE THOUGHT TO TELL US WHERE AND WHEN HIS CREMAINS WERE BEING BURIED.
To be continued as he continues
August 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 31 – Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/
The Transition
It is probably just as well we cannot remember our birthing process. The turmoil that a wee babe must go through, pushing out of their safe warm world, after lulled before our journey by the sounds of a mother’s heartbeat, struggling through a narrow constricting tunnel as we are squeezed and pushed, with pain, into a bright and cold world, strange noises that must assail our little ears and sense .
Is it any wonder we cry as we breathe our first?
And then there it is, we are laid on a soft warm breast and once again our mother’s heartbeat, reassuring in its lullaby of life, confirms we are safe. Wrapped in softness we are held in the arms of our giver of life. We shared that heartbeat, the DNA that made us who we are was shared for those 9 months and crossed through the placenta, give and take of the process of coming into being. Cells from the mother and the child are shared between and remain in a mother’s body. The process is called
Fetal-maternal microchimerism
The placenta generally serves as a bridge between the fetus and the mother for exchange of nutrients and wastes. But that is not all that crosses this bridge—fetal and maternal cells can cross between the two organisms intact. While maternal cells do end up in the fetus, significantly more fetal cells are transferred to the mother. The result is that the mother carries a small number of foreign cells belonging to her fetus within her body—hence the name “microchimerism.” While these non-maternal cells are few in number in comparison to total number of maternal cells, evidence suggests that these transplanted cells can actually remain for long after the end of gestation. In fact, derivative fetal cells have been found in the mother’s body up to 27 years ( if not more) after pregnancy.
It is a fact…. 
If you are of the religious persuasion “the essence” that makes me, ME and you-YOU and not just a clone being – sometimes referred to as the “soul” in those religious doctrines .
I have listed just three religious beliefs about the “ensoulment of the child” , there are many more but like all things in religion there doesn’t seem to any across the board agreement :
The soul enters the fetus at 120 days (4 months), as established by the Hadith. ( Radd al-Muhtar ala Durr al-Mukhtar 1/202) Thus, when the age of the unborn child reaches 120 days (4 months), it no longer remains a lifeless object; rather, it is a living human being.
eshaykh.com/quran-tafsir/when-does-ruh-enter-fetus
https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/when-babies-get-their-souls
Aquinas was correct that the unborn receive their souls at conception; he was merely mistaken on when conception was finished, due to the science available. As modern medicine has shown, conception in humans occurs almost instantaneously, as soon as the sperm and the ovum unite. This may occur as soon as twenty minutes after the marital act.
And those of the Jewish Faith have their own beliefs:
Most often in Jewish sacred literature, a fetus in the womb is considered a human life “under construction.” The soul is usually described as arriving when the first breath of life is taken at birth. The primary Jewish imagery for the beginning of life comes from Genesis 1:2, where breath hovers above the waters of earth before life emerges from that cosmic womb. Then, in Genesis 2:7, after the body of Adam is fashioned from the clay of the earth, G*d is described as breathing life into him. These stories frame the basis for the Jewish view that the fetus gains full human rights and status only once the baby’s head has emerged from the birth canal [Ohalot 7:6].
There is one Talmudic passage in which a Greek philosopher presses a rabbi on this issue until–probably for the sake of peace with the Greek occupiers of the Land of Israel–the rabbi accedes to the prevailing view in Greek culture that the soul is present from conception. This concession did not, however, change the Jewish perspective that the activation of the fetus’s status as a human with full human rights still occurs upon birth……..
.http://www.reclaimingjudaism.org/teachings/when-does-life-begin-jewish-view
Essence – Chris Ritchey
Since my journey through “hell on earth” began I haven’t any faith in “organized religion” – as such . I prefer what I feel to be true and science. However, maybe a baby shares his/hers mother’s ( essence) soul until the DNA or whatever changes him her from a cluster of exploding cells to our daughter or son.
I don’t have any answers, just questions, and I am not saying “anyone’s’ beliefs are wrong”. I just know, like other mothers before me, there is, for want of a better word, an intuition we carry and a knowing .
For instance my daughter, who was told she wouldn’t have children (which was devastating to her and her husband) I KNEW she was pregnant . I told Chris who became so angry at me:
“Mum. don’t you dare say anything to Nikki you know how rotten she feels about not being able to have kids”
So I said nothing until two smiling and bright faces appeared in my living room weeks later..
“We are pregnant”.
I specifically said:
“Let me tell Chris. “
I called Chris and said ” I told you so ……. Nikki is having a baby”
How did I know my daughter was pregnant weeks before she knew herself? I told my mother and Chris who both chastised me because a few months before the “specialists” had told her she would never have children.
You couldn’t know that, how did you know?
I don’t know Chris I just knew ..
Maybe it was that Fetal-maternal microchimerism .
However, as I gloated that I was right …. that horrible thought I had when I looked into Chris eyes at two days old also came to the fore – Chris was part way through his Stem Cell Transplants at the time. .
Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking
” He has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”
and then dismiss it with
“Why ever did I say that”https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/when-premonition-becomes-hindsight-part-two/
I also knew and told a doctor Nikki was pregnant with her 2nd child … he laughed at me and I said trust me on this and she was!
There are many other happenings which I will expand upon in the forthcoming “alpha” chapters. But for now I struggle to make sense of anything.
I will tell you, as I watched the blood slowly drain from my son’s face , watching his heart stop – I died too. At least the woman and person I was before that instant of death. It was also the death of “hope”
I am never going to be the same , he was gone but part of him still lived emotionally and physically within my heart and “essence”. We continued to share, even though his poor cancer ridden body was just a shell. No more laughter, anger, intelligence , love, happiness, sadness , strength or essence was left to us that was Chris.
darkness of grief Kathe Kollwitz
In that moment of death, there was another birthing – a birthing of grief.
A birthing of another person- that took over from what I used to be. And after all the months and years it hasn’t “changed or become better. The Loraine that I was is lost somewhere, but no longer here. There isn’t a word for a mother who loses her child . There isn’t any tidy little “word box” to describe us . I believe because we are indescribable .
My memories, after he passed that afternoon are pixels, fragments, broken flashes of memory , a brain that was no longer functioning properly.
There was a wheelchair, there was the hotel room, a phone ringing . Lombardis talking to Nikki .
Chris had been dead less than an hour and yet they had already made the appointment for the Funeral Home for 10 am the next morning to discuss arrangements.
Decisions in that hotel room were being made as to who would drive my car. Who would take the bags, wheel me down to the elevator, our little family was reeling , going rom one thing to another, not functioning but the Lombardis were on top of their control game.
I rode home with Nikki I don’t know where anyone else was, Jim, Gavin ( the baby ), my husband, had someone told my mum?
I have no memory I only know I wanted to call my oldest friend , Mike, in Chicago .I needed to hear an English voice for some reason , one who had shared my childhood and happiness of those days.
I walked, well fell, in the front door into my home that evening and dissolved………
To be continued…..
July 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 30- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/
OMEGA
Any words I have left in me are inadequate to describe the utter denial, disbelief , unreality I felt on that last morning of December 3rd. As I walked out of the conference room, the words from the “Doctor” stating we would have to waIt until the paralyzing drugs wore off before they could remove Chris from life support, seemed hollow , without emotion and echoed in my brain, I felt not a part of my own body . I was elsewhere wanting to wake up to a different reality . This can’t be our reality!
I wanted to run away , leave this place of clinical formality, take my son , I saw the relief on the faces of the Lombardi Clan as I agreed to removing Chris from the machines. I agreed with the impossible hope that maybe , he would prove them wrong but also because my son had asked me ”
“Mum don’t ever let me end up being pathetic”
I never wanted to look on the faces of Tim, Sue and Angela ever again. In my mind they were no longer part of our lives. Little did I know they weren’t done with Chris and his family yet, their controlling behaviour would reach out even through the death of Chris , in order to have their own way.
We went into Chris room, Nikki was there in those damned pajamas , talking to him.
“Chris you came home to see me anytime, I love you……”
I wasn’t understanding did she not realize he wouldn’t be ever coming home again?
A nurse ushered out of the room into the room next door, where just a few hours before the patient had caused all the alarm in the night had apparently died. We were told to wait as we couldnt be in the room whilst they “unhooked” Chris .
The room was bare, the bed and machines cleared away. I was in there with Sue Lombardi, Angela and Tim.
I wondered where my husband was , Nikki , Jim???Why was I in that horrible room with these people. I was about to leave when the tellvision, fixed to the wall came on . I don’t know the program but it was country music ….. I couldn’t stand it , it was as if someone was playing some macabre joke.
I grabbed the channel changer from the floor , but no matter what I did I couldn’t get rid of it. Finally Tim Lombardi left Sue’s side , she was sitting on the floor against the wall, but all he managed to do was get it flipping through channels. It ended up on a scene from 
. The joke being in the family that I was Marie Barone and my favourite was Chris, as hers was Raymond. It was the scene where they were together on a cruise ship.
Angela took the channel changer from her father as Sue said looking at the scene on the television
“OH it is Chris”
I looked at her and thought
stupid woman , why doesn’t she just shut up!!!!
It was then the nurse put her head through the door and said they were ready for us.
Angela, her mother and father went to the right hand side of the bed where there weren’t any machines, I could only squeeze into the other side by the wall and the now quiet ventilator.
I looked at my sons face, wiped the spittle from his mouth , the nurses has closed his eyes . I rambled on, talking to him about being proud of him , how hard he fought and that he should rest now. I don’t know exactly what I was talking about because all I wanted to do was hold him and scream
NO!!!!!!! Stop this !!! This can’t happen
Instead, I watched the colour drain slowly from his face , he had died earlier I knew it…… there was no gasping for breath or convulsion. I looked up into Tim Lombardi’s face who was nodding yes….. Sue left the room Someone took me away from the bedside , I think it was one of Chris’ nurses . There was a wheelchair waiting for me. I had absolutely no idea where I was ,what was happening .
I was taken back to hotel room and we sat. Nobody talked finally we started packing up our belongings and left. Nikki was on the phone apparently to Tim
” arrangements for the funeral home had already been made for the following morning at 10 a.m”
In my maelstrom of thoughts I didn’t understand why Chris’ father hadn’t been there when his son died. I knew Nikki couldn’t face it and was, I thought, being taken care of by Jim.
I understood that but I didn’t understand why I had to look into that weasle little face of Tim Lombardi as my son gave up his being.
It was many weeks later I found out when I finally asked my husband
Where were you , why weren’t YOU with me and Chris?
And then it came to light. He had made sure Nikki was with Jim and then followed us into the room but Sue Lombardi closed the door in his face and he didn’t know what to do , he didn’t want to make a scene so he stood outside the door and looked through the window as his son died.
artwork Chris Ritchey
I would like to say that that was the last cruel and thoughtless act of the Lombardis but there was so much more to come. However it was nearly a year after Chris died that Nikki finally told me what had happened in that ICU room
I couldn’t think that my beautiful son was going to die- I truly still thought he will show them he will come out of this – I never gave up hope and none of us said to goodbye-
My husband when he was in a coma told us that he had heard every word that people spoke but he couldn’t let us know. So we all acted on the fact that Chris too, was aware and were so careful not to say or do anything that would distress him- trapped as he was…….
Fashionistas Sue Lombardi and Angela (Lombardi) ritchey( Now Murphy.
This apparently was not consideration given by the Lombardis as Sue Lombardi and Angela joined Nikki in the ICU room. Nikki was putting cool cloths on Chris’ brow , holding his hand and talking to him that everything was Ok and she wouldn’t leave him-
However that was not the reason apparently the Lombardi women were in the room, not for them comfort and saying farewell NO they had other reasons for seeing Chris
they were choosing his “laying out clothes”
So before my son was dead, two minutes after Nikki had learned they were taking Chris off the vent – Angela Ritchey(Murphy) DO and Sue stood over my dying son having already decided without even the courtesy of discussing with Chris’ family the Gluvna Funeral Home would handle the arrangements-
Sue Lombardi
We will lay him out in his black pants, blue shirt and silver tie
Angela –
Yes, but no suit jacket Chris wouldn’t like that
Nikki couldn’t believe what she was hearing her brother lying there still breathing, still warm, his hand still in hers and they are discussing “funeral fashion!” –
Nikki told me that day a year later between her sobs –
Mum who are these people? how does a “bride” stand there as her husband is dying and calmly decide what fashion statement he will make in his casket- I was standing there trying to memorize every piece of his face, his hands everything about him knowing I would never see him again and they are discussing what to dress him in and he wasn’t even dead. I just cannot believe they were so cool and calm and cold when Angela said
“Yes but no jacket ” it was in the same tone as sayingI will have honey mustard sauce with the nuggets…….
Nikki turned to them and quietly said through her teeth so that Chris didn’t hear
NO! you are not laying my brother out, there will be no casket he is to be cremated, he isn’t to go to Gluvna but to Boyers – I will fight you on this – he is to go home
Sue Lombardi:
but this will be a huge funeral and what would we do about the parking….
I still find this scenario incredible What kind of people are more concerned in the “funeral fashion statement” of their son-in-law and new husband will wear and where Sue would have people park as he is clinging to life.
Who calmly looks at their dying groom and is concerned about jacket or no jacket, what kind of people are these ?- How could you even discuss this as a sister holds her dying brothers hand and tries to give him comfort?
How could Angela even contemplate that next move? I just know that anyone who loved my son deeply would not be thinking of “dressing him in his coffin” in their last moments together !
I didn’t know any of this at the time and it is probably just as well because as traumatic as the next few days were they would have been worse as my anger would have risen to a dreadful climax.
– I am even more filled with disgust that someone who was so full of life, love and caring has left this life and those that should have mourned his loss stood over him – as he lay dying deciding how to dress him in a casket to look good!
The disgust I felt at such pious hypocrites is indescribable – to think my son was subject to this in his last moments “what would he be wearing as they decorated him in the casket “ filled me with a gut filled sickness, it is beyond my comprehension as to what he did to deserve such coldness?
To be continued ……..
June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
A losing of function
Note: I have been dreading this chapter all month. I have put it off, shoved the memories back into their dwelling place. As my self- imposed deadline of the 3rd of the month loomed, I ran emotionally from remembering. My conscious thought telling me
“don’t go there ” , you can’t go back to that time, your well being is at stake. You survived that day because it was so surreal and you were protected by “unbelievability” as to what was actually happening. You were tired, emotionally exhausted things happening were cushioned with incredibility , the -this is not happening syndrome.
Days passed and the closer the 3rd of June came the more I ran from this writing. I couldn’t bring myself to do this , but the nights were different perspective altogether, I lay awake for hours, although exhausted , I would watch the moon in its phases lighting the bedroom causing the tree to outside cast its dancing shadows on the wall.
Everything in me has fought this moment, but here it is June the 2nd, 2022 and I am remembering the most painful day of my life and “my death” as well. You see, and I know those of you that have lost a son or daughter know the very moment that happens , you lose who you are too. You are not the same and you never will be ………
For days I sat by your side , those last three days being in the new Medical ICU unit were dreadful. Not only did the nurses and doctors not know who I was, and I was too tired to explain, I was falling apart emotionally and physically. Weeks of wearing the paper medical masks ( since they insisted you had H1N1), because that is what Angela had told them in ER and of course why question the “doctor in waiting”.
The mask, the dryness of the room and the stress had caused the skin under my nose to blister and scab. I, apparently, was somewhat allergic to those particular masks. One lovely nurse gave me ointment to help. There was no ointment for my swollen, to nearly three time their regular size, my legs. In this unit , there was not comfortable arm chair. This unit obviously did not want visitors so the only chair was a metal folding chair. Sitting on the cold hard metal , not moving holding his hand, only getting up to put a cool facecloth on his burning brow. I was reminded every time I did so by the marks left on your scalp as they had pulled off the brain wave electrodes, the skin was sore and red and the hair gone and slight bleeding. Someone obviously had no thought for my son as they pulled those off, but he was dying anyway! I noticed a lot of that sort of attitude in that unit, so different from the previous ICU.
Photo source http://www.neurowavesystems.com/
And so it was the night of December 2nd. I had gone , as usual walked to the unit with my husband about 10 pm. The Lombardi clan hovering in the corridors talking tacos. I had no wish to see.
Nikki was exhausted , having to breastfeed the baby and dealing with everything. Jim had brought the baby up to the hotel. Nikki hadn’t any pajamas and had purchased a pair at the gift shop. Unlike my lime green creation I had purchased, the one pair she had to buy was two piece pink, chocolate and white striped . I remember thinking they reminded me of Neapolitan ice cream.
I was surprised , as we headed to the unit to see two of Chris’ high school friends. What were they doing there????? , Apparently, Angela had been sending out texts
“if they wanted to see Chris before he died they should come”
I cannot honestly remember what I said to them , but I don’t think I was very pleasant. However, it explained why Chris’ nurse was flustered as we walked into our son’s room
“You know there are visiting hours we can’t have all you people coming in and out all night long”
I explained who I was and why I would be sitting there all night , at least until rounds in the morning. If they needed me to move I would but I would not be leaving my son. She explained that during her shift people had been in and out. I told her :
she would have to take that up with his wife because I certainly was against anyone coming into see him in this condition. He would have hated it.
My husband went back to the hotel room . I continued to sit in that glass bubble of a world, a young woman ( presumably a Doctor) would look through the glass at the monitors. I hoped Chris could hear me I hummed the lullabies of his childhood, talked softly as to how much we loved him, that Nikki and Jim were there., anything to try to give him comfort, trapped as he was, encased in machines.
My inner thoughts , I did not say outloud , I spoke them silently
” Please Chris you have to turn a corner soon , I just don’t know how much longer I can hold up, please Chris
Nurse Nicole , it was her first week in that particular ICU came in to say they would be bathing him and I could stay and help if I wished. I told her
No! he would hate me to be there for that and I would go and get something to drink and come back.
After a while I went back into the ICU , I asked whether they had been continuing the eye drops as his eyes were partially open and I had been told it could cause issues if they weren’t moisturized regulary after he came off the vent.
She went away to get an OK and came back, I said did she notice the urine bag had blood in it. No! that wasn’t like that before, I will check let me put the drops in. It was 3 am and she looked at me and said
“his pupils are fixed and dilated “
Fixed and moderately dilated pupils are seen in brain death because of the loss of both sympathetic and parasympathetic influences.
She then left to call for the head of the unit. All hell broke loose as a male Doctor , whomever he was , and the nurses as they came to our room, the man in the next room decided to have an episode and apparently passed. I waited and then the nurse said the Doctor had ordered a scan. I called Angela and told her what the nurse had said and waited.
It was 5 am by this time , Angela appeared at the desk with the Doctor, who had glanced into the room at that stats at least twice during the night . She and Angela chatted as if I didn’t exist .
Angela asked what was the prognosis?
OH ! this is the first night he had held his own
– Angela
Cool Beans! we now have to feed my boy
Dr. We have to do something about a bowel movement first
As I stood there like some peripheral groupie I mentioned the scan and that
“the ICU nurse was very concerned as his pupils were fixed and dilated and had called the Neurologist for a scan”
The Elephant Run-by Chris Ritchey
Two faces and pairs of eyes ” in the know medical (Drs.?) turned and looked at me like I was some sort of “ignorant irritant”
That young woman. presumably a Doctor, – I don’t remember her name just her face- I had seen it through the early morning hours looking at the monitors through the glass – never once coming into the room – said:
”
Oh I am not worried he is on a boat load of medication
Giggles from the “Dr. to be Ritchey ( Angela)
Oh! he is on enough medication to fill up an elephant heehehehehee!
I had such a bad feeling but I had to sleep, I left them chatting and went back to the room . I went to the chaise lounge by the window where I could see his room across the way. I fell instantly into a desperate sleep only to be woken by Nikki-
Mum you have to go back
– I said
Nikki I can’t- I can’t even stand
and she said
Mum, you have to something is wrong- I will come down as soon as Jim gets here to take Gavin
I rushed through the hallways- to this day I have no idea what clothes I had on…. I found my son’s room empty of the usual “clan”– no one was with him I went in- a new nurse said
You are wanted in the conference room for a family meeting
-I said
my husband is there I am not leaving my son alone I promised him-
Nurse
YOU HAVE TO GO!
I looked at this officious nurse and said
“I DON’T “HAVE” TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING I AM NOT LEAVING MY SON ALONE!
It was then Nikki arrived – still in the Neapolitan pajamas purchased from the hospital gift shop- like some bizarre clown outfit. I remember thinking Chris would find it funny.
She said:
Mum you go I will stay with Chris I promise
The meeting that day was about taking Chris off the vent they the hospital and they needed me there as they
“didn’t want any trouble”
They needed my permission as well as his wifes- I had the night before made sure that the staff were now aware that Nikki and I were also on his paperwork.
The Doctor, who chatted about bowel movement and holding his own just 2 hours previously was now saying his brainstem ( after looking at the scans) had collapsed and he was effectively brain dead.
Brainstem death is a clinical syndrome defined by the absence of reflexes with pathways through the brainstem – the “stalk” of the brain, which connects the spinal cord to the mid-brain, cerebellum and cerebral hemispheres – in a deeply comatose, ventilator-dependent patient. Identification of this state carries a very grave prognosis for survival; cessation of heartbeat often occurs within a few days, although it may continue for weeks if intensive support is maintained.
The Dr. explained what would happen and our options and what each option would mean when they did this-one option being surgery to release the pressure on the brain. What ever they did they were going to have to wait until one of the medications which paralyzed him wore off so it would be a little while.
NOTE: I cannot write anymore as the dying time took all day and horrors of heartbreak and ignorance continued to pummel me and my family. There was no kindness in this dying … I will have to continue on the next 3rd
to be continued……..
March 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 26- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
THE WINTER OF WEEPING that never ends…………
NOTE: It is said that time heals and spring and new life replaces the dark dreary days of winter. Those of the sisterhood of grief , especially those who have lost a soul and child of their body and heart, winter never ends. You are still lost in those days , you see glimpses of life and happiness, but you are never again whole. You see when you lose your child you and the person you were – leaves with them – when they draw their last breath.
You don’t even look the same, you may be thinner, put on weight , age more quickly, your eyes smart with too many tears, lines appear around your eyes and mouth , not the lines of age but of pain. You are wary , looking out for those moments that assault you as you go about your daily routine. Oh you smile at the correct moments, you try to join in with life , but no matter the days, months even years the only thing that gets better is you can hide the heart break just a bit better. You have learned who you can reach out , who doesn’t flinch when you want to talk about you child. Those who are patient and those who are understanding because they too are members of the Sisterhood of Grief.
I wrote the following five months after Christopher passed from this world. And all these years later nothing has changed…… Photo Credit – Virginia Mak
It was Thanksgiving. I was alone with Chris, everyone was with family . I sat by his bedside , he couldn’t talk a lot due to the oxygen mask , I read, although I had no idea what I was reading . I would, when he closed his eyes, drink in every part of my son, the contours of his face , his hands on the the sheet, his arms strong still listened to every breath he took , movement, sound he made. That day, the sun shone in the window, and the beard he had been growing had become more pronounced.
He grew the facial hair after he lost all of his hair due to the horrendous chemo sessions and stem cell transplants. I think he did so because it was a sign his body was trying to get back to normalcy. The last time he and his Nana were together at Nikki’s she stroked his face and the beginnings of his beard and said :
Chris you are truly my Viking and that is how I will think of you , brave and golden.
I was filling my memory of my son, every feature , nuance and aspect of my son that morning of Thanksgiving. The sunlight caught his face and the golden red of his beard . My Viking.
I didn’t want him to see me lose it so I excused myself and went to the waiting room. Thankfully there was no one there and I wept with the pain of “WHY”?????????????
When I finally pulled myself together and returned to the room he was sleeping . I sat quietly, hardly daring to breathe, I had always been told that sleep is how the body heals. I was clutching at anything I could find to give me hope, willing whatever strength I had to somehow be miraculously given to him by some magical umbilical chord of life.
He woke , pulled down his oxygen mask and asked for a sip of water. Those were the last words he spoke to to me , not his last words, but the last thing he ever asked of me . I held the bottle of water with the hospital straw , he took a small sip and immediately started choking….
All Hell broke loose nurses cand people came rushing into the room and someone grabbed hold of my arm and ushered me out into the still empty waiting room. I didn’t know what was happening, I knew it wasn’t good….. The “code blue ” over the pa system. Drs., interns , nurses came rushing along the corridor and then two technicians with a ventilator .
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think I was frozen , everything was falling away from me , no-one to hold me up, no where to go , what should I do ?,
WHY?????????? for God’s sake why……… NOOOOOOO this can’t happen…… . I was shaking with cold and tears.
After what seemed an eternity , one of Chris nurses came out to the waiting room with a cup of hot chocolate, she said
“it is OK he has been put on the vent to help him breathe, he has been sedated , the Dr. will be out in a moment drink this “
But you see, I knew from that first day of diagnosis all through
the best cancer to have, just 6 rounds of Chemo, 95 percent cure rate ,
because I had always known that damned cancer was winning. I had fought down my knowing and fears, I had embraced hope, prayers , medicines, trials , anything to fight the obscenity of death that was coming for my son. I had seen the fear on his face as they all came rushing in, the silent tears that fell from his eyes, and I heard his last words he ever spoke……....
I tried to call someone, anyone but I couldn’t make my fingers work or my brain, I don’t remember breathing , I stood there thinking this must be what shock is.
Finally the Dr. came in , I will call her Dr. RA, hers is the only name I remember from that day. The first thing she said was
“Would you like a priest ?”
No! I don’t want a damned priest , what good is he, to give me comfort! blessings !NO I want someone to stop my son dying….. not religious platitudes that don’t mean a thing.
I didn’t say that out loud , all I could manage was
No, is Chris critical.
She looked at me and said:
Oh! he has been critical since he came in , has no-one mentioned that to you , he is dying.
Then she left. The nurse came back to check on me and helped me call Angela, my husband and my son in law.
Angela was the first to arrive, with her sister,
Is he dead?
I shook my head and she went into the ICU , Her sister chatted on about how she broke the speed limit to get there. And then the clan of Lombardi arrived with cold mashed potatoes, congealed gravy, turkey and pumpkin pie, chatting about leftovers would be good in the microwave if this was going to be a long night …….. and I thought.. who are these awful people chatting and laughing whilst my son is dying about leftovers and time.
Time no longer existed in my world it had stopped…………
THIS be HELL …. I must have died……………………………. could have been the only explanation
To be continued………………..
February 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 25-Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
The Circus from Hell
The next morning ,after the fiasco of the Lombardi’s clever ideas as to how to get a young man who couldn’t breathe or walk more than two feet without aid and my outrage as to what they were planning, Angela came in from her shift at the hospital.
Angela ritchey DO photo Chris Ritchey
I found out later she wasn’t scheduled for that shift but asked to change. I never did find out why . Chris , was not doing well and it was decided to tell Chris he was going to have to go back into the Clinic. He didn’t take it well a plastic water bottle flew across the room and hit the wall. I was pleased , believe it or not, it showed he still had strength and fight left in him.
Then it began, the rescue squad having to get him down the apartment stairs , Angela riding in the ambulance, me following the ambulance as I had no clue where I was going. Nine hours in the ER as there was no room in the Medical ICU. Phone calls back and forth. Angela telling the attending physician he had been diagnosed with H1NI. I was perplexed this was the first I heard of it . I kept thinking
that isn’t right why is she saying that , was I being kept in the dark again? I believed that damned flu shot was causing issues. If he had HINI why were they trying to send him back to Houston, none of this was making sense..
well not then anyway.
Clowns – artwork Chris Ritchey
Chris was finally sent to the Neurological ICU as there was no room in the Medical ICU.
And we waited , Sue and Tim arrived and my husband and the days turned into one long nightmare. Chris was admitted on the Saturday before Thanksgiving . I would fall asleep in the chair . I promised Chris he would never be alone and at first it worked reasonably well I would trade off with Angela during the day but the nurses let me stay in the room in a chair at night.
Then since they couldn’t figure out what was going on it was decided he must have H1N1. This meant we were fully masked and gowned when we went into his room. I watched my son’s every movement, every heart beat , every drop or rise in oxygen levels.
I sat there hour after hour trying to find away to give him strength , doing the deals with whomever ran the universe, all the time remembering my premonitions and fighting them back down into my sub conscience.
Finally exhaustion got the better of me, I could no longer see straight or sit in that waiting room . Nikki arranged to get me a room at the Intercontinental Hotel attached to the Clinic so I could walk back and forth. I had some clothes with me from the Friday but they were in the trunk of my car and I hadn’t a clue where it was. My mum had packed a small carrier bag with change of underwear and blouse and sweater sending it up with my husband.
I needed a few things so I bought a pair of pajamas in the Clinic Gift shop. The only ones in my size were bright lime green, terribly unflattering but then again no-one would be seeing me in in them, a toothbrush, deodorant etc. I made my way to the lobby of the hotel through the hospital feeling terribly afraid and alone. There was some funny looks when my only luggage was an Aldi’s carrier bag. Still the credit card was good.
I went to the room, had a shower put on my lime green pj’s and called room service. Well of course I had no robe and hadn’t thought , the waiter brought in the food on a trolley , whatever he thought of the vision in green he saw before him he didn’t show a change in face as this little fat woman in lime green pj’s ( that were a little tight) and red hair signed the chit.
I ate my first decent meal in days and fell into the bed and passed out. I slept till the evening and was going back through the corridors to the hospital when I saw two nurses helping a woman walk . I realized from the conversation as I went passed she was Carla Nash , the lady who had been attacked by a chimpanzee and was at the clinic after having a face transplant. I thought they seem to be able to work miracles , will there be one for my son and a little hope crept back into my being. I saw the trio on more than one occasion and my heart went out to her.
There were other stories during those hours and days as we waited and hoped.
An elderly man, some thing of a musician from what I gathered from a conversation in the waiting room of hell , was dying in the next room. His wife sat by his bed all day. Later that evening Chris’s nurse asked if it would bother us if his daughter, who was in one of the symphony orchestras. could play for her father.
As I sat there masked and gowned and closed off in our glassed in room, the faint sound of a violin drifted through the air . It was so surreal , this beautiful piece of music like some heavenly message easing her fathers passing and reminding me how much love and pain was happening on the other side of the wall , but beautiful at the same time . The music stopped and so apparently had the life of one more human being and their story.
There were of course other stories
The mum who had been brought in with a brain aneurism , her family gathered in the the small ICU waiting room, the tears, the worry , the hope. I don’t know what happened to her . Others whose lives crashed into ours in that room and then left some in tears and some transferred out of ICU with smiles. .
After three days of no sleep and actually pretty much on my own as far as my family I was ready to drop .
Once the diagnosis of H1N1 was decided upon Nikki and the new baby couldn’t be put at risk, my mum 90 , couldn’t take a chance with her and my husband could only come for an hour or so. He hated hospitals, Chris knew that and we knew if he was there holding vigil with me Chris would KNOW how much danger he was in , so it had to be…
” Oh Dad is coming in for a visit”
There I was alone in that waiting room from hell. The Lombardis, as Sue stated “will circle around Angela” , I definitely was excluded from that circle. And they did numbers of them all chatting and laughing and living. It was so hard .
Do you pray Loraine? You aren’t Catholic are you , what plans are you making ? Do you like Tacos?
However, when Sue was present it was doubly hard, she used to do and say the most inane things and it took everything I had to keep my mouth shut.
One particular day I got summoned by the nurse in ICU.
Is Chris’s mother in law attached to a medical practice?
No , why would you ask that ?
You will have to talk to your daughter in law , please. We know SHE is a resident and the nurses don’t want to make a big deal, but her mother is making a nuisance of herself, going to talk to the nurses and looking it at the other patients and giving advice.
Also, your daughter in law’s friend has come in and changed the setting the oxygen machine ( she was also a resident) and we have had to reset it, that can’t happen.
That day I had to mention to one of the sisters that
“Sue was being Sue and causing concern in the ICU and could someone please tell her not to continue in that vein” “
THAT did not go down very well. They shot the messenger! Talk went to a minimum but actually that was a blessing in disguise.
Even the Clinic security made the “Mother of my Hell “ prove she wasn’t a homeless person camping out in the waiting room with sleeping bags , pillows and food . Why they didn’t get themselves a room if they were going to continue to “circle Angela” I broached the subject: ,
Sue said Oh no! far too expensive!!!!!!”
Well there is plenty in the account from the fundraiser isn’t there at least 35 thousand, you could use that , after all that is why we had that fundraiser . Oh and by the way can I have the list of donors for Thank Yous. I have Nikkis list and mine but I know there were so many others!
I couldn’t credit her answer and I was perplexed :
Sue Lombardi –
“We don’t want people to know the full amount – we aren’t publicizing that. I have opened a safe deposit box for the cash – Angela has access” How do you know the amounts ?Obviously Chris told me , why wouldn’t he? He was very grateful to everyone that donated.
I said to Chris after one particularly stressful evening
Oh ! Chris you owe me lunch for this, being in that holding area with them.
( having to put up with them and trying to keep my mouth shut – not an easy thing for me, . We certainly had nothing in common except what I supposed was the love of our children. and Chris knew how hard it was 🙂 )
and a lobster lunch at that.
He smiled and moved his oxygen mask and said :
” keep them out of here and I will buy you dinner too !”
Most days and nights bled into one another . I had no clue as to the time of day of day of the week. I would surface for a bit and memory comes in fragments of those days of crisis. It is only as I write some flash of a forgotten memory of those days in no particular sequence come back. ……. and my gut tightens , a sick feeling comes into my soul, an ache for my child overwhelms me once more .
To be continued……..
That Woman's Weblog 
Recent Comments