grief | That Woman's Weblog

Emotions ran riot in those hours after Chris passed, pummeled by disbelief, anger, physical pain, gut-wrenching sobs breaking the silence, sheer agony, feeling so lost, no source of comfort except a little toy bear given to me by my son. The smell of my son still on his shirt.

The funeral home: I tried as hard as I could to go across that alley way from my back garden to the funeral home parking lot. I stood at the gate unable to move. Thoughts bombarding me , after the “arrangement visit at the funeral home” I knew I didn’t trust myself. Their way was not our way , I knew I would be a red flag to the “bull ( cow)” of Sue Lombardi, it was better I stayed with the baby for my own sanity.

Artwork Chris Ritchey

The Lombardis, had agreed to the cremation at that making of the arrangement meeting ( less than 20 hours after Chris drew his last breath), Thanks to my son in law over riding Sue Lomabardi’s desire to have his ( or a ) coffin to decorate.

IF HE IS TO BE CREMATED AND NO COFFIN WHAT WILL WE DECORATE”

My poor daughter , who just the day before had lost her brother came home from that meeting broken and also angry

” How can they be so cruel, Angela just sat there, Sue ran the show- because that is what it was mum – all show- Sue wanting him in the ground just so she could decorate his coffin!”

Thankfully Jim mentioned how when he drove Chris to Houston Chris had told him if anything should ever happen , as he shoveled down his throat more of the pain killing drugs, He wanted to be cremated and thrown into the Grand Canyon!

It was decided Chris’ ashes would be divided , Angela, his wife of course for her goodbye and closure, Nikki , as his sister and a trip to the Grand Canyon and a portion for his dad and me for our farewell.

The fact my little family, who did attend, were told as Sue expanded on her wishes with how the funeral arrangement should be handled and Nikki interjected…. and was dismissed with a wave of the hand , and the statement ,

” it was not “their” wishes ( meaning Nikki and Jim and our family) it would be Lombardi’s wishes that were important…..( the bride and her mother)

I cannot begin to tell you how that news effected me. I knew then I couldn’t go 24 hours later to the funeral home .As it turned out it was just as well I didn’t – The ME that was raw and not in control of her emotions would not have gone quietly into that place: Anger would have reared its head, the only emotion that was allowing me to stand upright.

I wrote an open letter a few months later, when people felt comfortable telling me what had happened at that funeral home visitation, as mentioned in the last chapter, to Sue Lombardi: excerpt here

An open letter – “Mama Sue” Lombardi

Apparently , you took it upon yourself to assail some of the people who came to pay their condolences at the “visitation” planned by you and yours as to MY reasoning for not being there – Sue you said:

“Can you believe it, his own mother isn’t even here! She boycotted the funeral because it wasn’t done her way!”

“You cannot believe what we have had to put up with”

AND

“Yes, she’s an UNNATURAL mother.”

I am perplexed as to your apparent lack humanity and feelings toward those that grieve especially another mother.

You see YOU and yours stood by my son’s bed in his final moments, leaving no room for his own father …. it wasn’t even given to me to look at the face of my husband as our child died but that of YOUR husband.

And HOW he could have looked into my eyes as my son drew his last breath and see what I KNOW he saw in those eyes as I looked up into “HIS face” and then HE enabled YOU and his daughter to take from us our closure sickens and makes me question even his humanity– certainly compassion was and is absent!

My husband, who tried so hard, three times to stay in that place of mourning at YOUR visitation . The prancing about and smiling by your other daughter in front of his son’s photo and no tears shed drove him away , the fact YOU had complained

“what are we going to decorate”

when you found out there would be no casket, sickened him as he gazed on the receiving line of grief as he thought of your concern for decorating as being paramount.

It was more than he could do to stay but he tried – he felt there was no honor in your attitude toward his son.

Your stoney face and holier than thou stance finally took its toll on him – he was brought back home for good. And it seems he was right, as you had other things more important than honoring his son, criticizing and insulting me was first and foremost apparently. ”

“CAN YOU BELIEVE ……”

YOU were witness to the most private , personal, poignant and heartbreaking moments between a mother and her dying child.

YOU stood there with your relief ( because it was relief I saw in your face )- a mother’s relief that your daughter wouldn’t have to be dealing with an invalid) waiting and hovering like some black crow over its carrion .

How COULD YOU ? as a mother who watched as another mother saw her child die – the most emotionally terrifying moment any mother can face – the unbearable pain that comes with those final moments as your child slips from this realm. HOW COULD YOU?

After witnessing that moment then HOW COULD YOU? decide 3 days later it is appropriate later to tell anyone who would listen “your thoughts of her“ as they came to grieve for the child she brought into this world and watched leave –

E. Munch- 1895

All the while I was trying to process what was happening in my world, I was flashing back to my nightmares and premonitions of this happening all those months before. It had come to pass – my premotions were true, the nightmare was true! Only, I couldn’t wake up from that nightmare ,it was unfolding all around me . I was seemingly watching from afar as events repeated themselves in reality. And if possible the worse insult was yet to come.

To be continued :

November 3, 2022 at 9:42 am 2 comments

October 3rd- NO LIMITS – Chapter 33 – Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Thirty-One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-31-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Thirty Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/09/03/september-3rd-chapter-32-no-limits-chris-ritchey/

“On pain of death” – Gutless Mother …..

The days of the ” taking leave ” all went horribly wrong……the pain caused by a family I hardly knew – Lombardis and how they made Chris’ family’s pain and heart break so much worse was not to be borne, in fact I couldn’t bear it.

What I will say to you , all of you , is that I could have stopped the pain inflicted after his death caused by those that supposedly loved and cared for my son.

I could have stopped all that has happened since his death IF I HADN’T BEEN SO GUTLESS!

Chris and I had an honest relationship. Oh! sometimes a heated, and very vocal relationship- he was after all “my” son. Sometimes we needed those “bouts of heat” to get to the real issue, to draw out what was really the problem. However, no matter how heated our points of view became, we always came back to laughter and understanding of each other. He was part of me and his heritage in more ways than one.

Now to my dilemma – In my heart of hearts I knew that Chris should be making some decisions- I had a bad feeling about what the next weeks would bring.

One night I lay awake all night trying to decide what to do , I decided to find a time in the day where I would talk to Chris but I couldn’t.

C. J. Hodge “Turning Away” permission
www.artknowledgenews.com

How do you approach your son who had just turned 29 , who was fighting for survival and living on the thin thread of hope of a clinical trial drug and say

What do you want , what would be your wishes should you die?

How could I? how could I see his face as his “mum” asked such a question? Me, who was trying her damnedest to give him hope after the news he had very little unless the SGN 35 worked and he could tolerate its side effects, and for how long?

Try as I might I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t, for once in his life, be open and forthright with him. I thought there might be time, time after the results that I knew would be good- you see I watched the tumors on his neck shrink. I knew that when that cough stopped after the 21st of September that the SGN 35 was working. I watched my son with the eyes of a mother.

And because I couldn’t bring myself to have the “death discussion” with Chris a person who had the “legal right” ( enabled by her family) Angela , had exercised that right which has caused my family such a world of hurt .

I didn’t have Chris wishes in writing, NO ONE DID!!!!

I gave her her due and her way (that is not mine ) of saying “goodbye” only a week later to be denied ours.

Decorations by Lombardi (Vyka etc. )and Company

I am sure Chris trusted his bride and his family to use the love they had for him in a way that would help healing.

That didn’t happen because I was a “gutless wonder”

If there is a lesson to be learned here, please don’t trust that your final wishes would be what you wanted.
MAKE YOUR DECISIONS, MAKE THEM IN WRITING, AND MAKE THEM KNOWN, SIGN YOUR NAME!

There are no niceties in death and for some of us there was a great wickedness enabled by a mother’s cowardice.

I retreated in a world closed off by tears , no sounds came through that veil but the sounds of sobbing…..I somehow knew that it was coming from me. The funeral meeting has been held , I stayed home with my broken husband and Nikki’s baby. It wasn’t until afterwards anyone told me what had happened . I wrote on this blog an OPEN LETTER TO SUE LOMBARDI

“I read Chris’s Obituary on Saturday in the local paper. Was this my wonderful young man whose life was put into so many cents a line? Was this MY Chris – I could not let that be the last words written about my son so I composed a letter which I hope will be a more fitting epitaph to one whose passing has broken a mother’s, father’s and sister’s heart.
The Unbearable Pain of Being

I read my son’s obituary Saturday – a few lines describing a young man who was so much more than a husband, brother, friend , hunter, sportsman and employee.

Chris’ last 22 months on this earth found him on the cruelest of journeys, one fraught with hope turned to despair on almost a daily basis in the last days. My son bore this cruelty with a strength of character and body that even I, his mother, found remarkable.

But before the Cancer , there was another life-one of great happiness – He was funny , sometimes “dark” in his humour, he did not suffer fools gladly .

He and his sister shared a remarkable bond – almost twin like- they would take on the world together . When he was young it was his sister who stood up to the bullies and any adversity and when he grew he supported her and fought with her any battles that came their way.

Christopher had a temper, one he shared with his mother, I understood his temper as we both shared the same “trigger mechanism”.

He knew he was loved and he loved in return. He would buy a Christmas or birthday present and then not able to wait until the day for you to see it – he would have to show it to you right then and there.

Yes, he in his short life touched so many hearts , so many people- accomplishments on the soccer field,

starting the LCCC Club Soccer program after graduating High School- coaching training camps for young players. He received numerous scholarships for soccer and his artistic talent . He received two Cleveland Addy awards in his short career with Wyse Advertising . He would have been one of the best had his life not been cut short.

His friends know how special he was – he had some truly wonderful friends and I believe he too was a good friend.

I said goodbye to my son last Thursday – but my heart has not been able to let him go – he was one of the only reasons for being – I ache for him – I look for him- I cry for him – my son who was so very much more than a few paragraphs in an Obit column-

He was- Chris – a multi-faceted personality who gave us incredible joy and love and expected nothing in return .

I will see him on the street signs in our neighborhood, the logos, the television commercials he worked on, Settlers’ Watch – the Welcome to Lorain Booth at the Port. And my heart is sore pained within me because I will no longer hear his voice, see his smile or feel his strength.

My life has been broken in two – my happiness wrenched from me with the death of my child, my son , words cannot convey the crushing depth of my sadness, the void that cries to be filled and the torrents of tears that I shed that bring no relief.

I penned that Obit to be read at the “memorial service” How could I break out my closed off world , crippled emotionally.

How because I was ANGRY !

Angry at the lies, angry at people who had no kindness of thought for the family who loved Chris and still love him. It was anger that cause me to be upright and it is anger that gave me strength………

To be continued.

October 3, 2022 at 3:45 pm Leave a comment

September 3rd- Chapter 32- NO LIMITS-Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Thirty-One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-31-chris-ritchey/

The days of death

David Eagleman is a neuroscientist, bestselling author, and Guggenheim Fellow. Dr. Eagleman’s areas of research include sensory substitution, time perception, vision, and synesthesia. He also studies the intersection of neuroscience with the legal system, and in that capacity he directs the non-profit Center for Science and Law. Eagleman is the writer and presenter of The Brain, an Emmy-nominated television series on PBS and BBC. He is the author of 8 books, including Livewired, The Runaway Species, The Brain, Incognito, and Wednesday is Indigo Blue. He is also the author of a widely adopted textbook on cognitive neuroscience, Brain and Behavior. His internationally bestselling book of literary fiction, SUM, has been translated into 32 languages https://profiles.stanford.edu/david-eagleman

David Eagleman https://eagleman.com in his book Sum states:

We actually die three times. We die the first time when our breath leaves our body. We die the second time when our loved ones return our body to the ground. And the third death, and final death, is a moment, sometime in the future, when our name is spoken for the last time.

As my son spent days dying so did I , every hour was sheer torture and the days following his final breath saw me dying inside, losing me, losing a grip on reality, not knowing where I was, what had happened.

All of a sudden I was back in my home, the hospital left behind, the home where Chris had grown up, reminders of him everywhere .

Misty , Chris’ dog. excited to see us after all these days away ran to greet us, ignorant at her master’s death, her happiness was almost crushing. I think someone must have let her out . And then we were alone , a mother and a father without their son.

I was so cold, shivering , I couldn’t stop shaking . My husband wandered the rooms , sitting , getting up sitting again, Lost!!! Finally he noticed I was shivering and shaking , he said

I will light a fire

and he went out the den door to get some firewood. Eventually, he came back with a rose , the last rose from the garden and put it in my hands, it too was cold. As he opened the fireplace doors to put in the kindling he let out the most awful sound, a wail , guttural cry and choking all combined, and fell to his knees . I couldn’t move to help him and Misty hearing this awful cry came to him and lay down nuzzling his body trying to get under him to get him up.

I truly thought he is choking on grief and there is nothing I can do , I can’t move.

I don’t know how long we stayed in that dark place , finally exhaustion overcame us I suppose. I really don’t remember but I too wandered about the house finally ending up in Chris’ old room, now decorated to hold guests and spied the little Harrods Bear he gave me when he returned from a soccer tournament in England. He had sat on his little perch for years dusted but ignored for the most part. I had thought of eventually giving him ( with his little England shirt) to my new grandson.

I picked up the little 10 inch soft cuddly bear and pressed him like a compress to my heart, trying to stop the pain that threatened to burst forth from me at any moment . I couldn’t put him down

. Somehow I was aware that in the morning we were expected to go to the funeral home to discuss arrangements.

Nikki had managed, much to Sue Lombardi’s annoyance, to have Chris’ body taken to the funeral home behind our house . The same funeral home where as a child he rode his bike in their parking lot, whose family he had known all his life, whose daughter baby sat him, wonderful caring people. He was just 300 feet away and yet not home , never coming home and I couldn’t reach him.

I couldn’t go to that funeral home meeting , I couldn’t even stand up for any length of time let alone walk. I never wanted to see the Lombardis ever again . I also knew that whatever I said they would be wanting to do the opposite , my husband was in no shape to deal with them, they who seemingly wanted this all “Done and Dusted”- over and done with a quick as possible .

In the end we stayed with the baby, Nikki, Jim and my mum and brother-in law walked over to the Funeral Home. I was right in my thinking Sue Lombardi wanted a “big show….

I was petrified that they would ignore our beliefs and put Chris in one of the silk lined, Cadillac of caskets with chrome handles to be buried , to rot away for decades, after being drained of his blood,( more damned needles), things stuck into orifices’ to stop leaks, making him look presentable for a receiving line of grief and some curiosity, coffee and cakes in the anteroom. I couldn’t bear the thought of my beautiful son turning into anaerobic sludge

An airtight coffin, for example, may foster decomposition by anaerobic bacteria, which results in a putrefied liquification of the body; all putrefied tissue would remain inside the container, only to be exposed in the event of an exhumation

It is the American way I know and that is fine if that is your culture and of your beliefs

but it is and was NOT our way and Chris was of our culture and beliefs not the Lombardis and he hated the rituals at the cemetery they did for the nephew and cousin. His name was Ritchey not Lombardi.

I begged my son-in-law to speak for Chris . You see I knew he and Chris had discussed things when they drove back to Houston. He wanted to be cremated as it is our way and his…..

My understanding was that the Lombardis had the floor and Sue Lombardi was against cremation ..

But if there is no casket what are we going to decorate

And there you have it my wonderful son the star of her funeral celebration…………

The wedding casket……… for that all important money was all I could think of…… as I was told those words …..

September 3, 2022 at 11:44 am 3 comments

August 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 31 – Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/

The Transition

It is probably just as well we cannot remember our birthing process. The turmoil that a wee babe must go through, pushing out of their safe warm world, after lulled before our journey by the sounds of a mother’s heartbeat, struggling through a narrow constricting tunnel as we are squeezed and pushed, with pain, into a bright and cold world, strange noises that must assail our little ears and sense .

Is it any wonder we cry as we breathe our first?

And then there it is, we are laid on a soft warm breast and once again our mother’s heartbeat, reassuring in its lullaby of life, confirms we are safe. Wrapped in softness we are held in the arms of our giver of life. We shared that heartbeat, the DNA that made us who we are was shared for those 9 months and crossed through the placenta, give and take of the process of coming into being. Cells from the mother and the child are shared between and remain in a mother’s body. The process is called

Fetal-maternal microchimerism

The placenta generally serves as a bridge between the fetus and the mother for exchange of nutrients and wastes. But that is not all that crosses this bridge—fetal and maternal cells can cross between the two organisms intact. While maternal cells do end up in the fetus, significantly more fetal cells are transferred to the mother. The result is that the mother carries a small number of foreign cells belonging to her fetus within her body—hence the name “microchimerism.” While these non-maternal cells are few in number in comparison to total number of maternal cells, evidence suggests that these transplanted cells can actually remain for long after the end of gestation. In fact, derivative fetal cells have been found in the mother’s body up to 27 years ( if not more) after pregnancy.

Fetal Microchimerism

It is a fact….

If you are of the religious persuasion “the essence” that makes me, ME and you-YOU and not just a clone being – sometimes referred to as the “soul” in those religious doctrines .

I have listed just three religious beliefs about the “ensoulment of the child” , there are many more but like all things in religion there doesn’t seem to any across the board agreement :

The soul enters the fetus at 120 days (4 months), as established by the Hadith. ( Radd al-Muhtar ala Durr al-Mukhtar 1/202) Thus, when the age of the unborn child reaches 120 days (4 months), it no longer remains a lifeless object; rather, it is a living human being.

eshaykh.com/quran-tafsir/when-does-ruh-enter-fetus

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/when-babies-get-their-souls

Aquinas was correct that the unborn receive their souls at conception; he was merely mistaken on when conception was finished, due to the science available. As modern medicine has shown, conception in humans occurs almost instantaneously, as soon as the sperm and the ovum unite. This may occur as soon as twenty minutes after the marital act.

And those of the Jewish Faith have their own beliefs:

Most often in Jewish sacred literature, a fetus in the womb is considered a human life “under construction.” The soul is usually described as arriving when the first breath of life is taken at birth. The primary Jewish imagery for the beginning of life comes from Genesis 1:2, where breath hovers above the waters of earth before life emerges from that cosmic womb. Then, in Genesis 2:7, after the body of Adam is fashioned from the clay of the earth, G*d is described as breathing life into him. These stories frame the basis for the Jewish view that the fetus gains full human rights and status only once the baby’s head has emerged from the birth canal [Ohalot 7:6].

There is one Talmudic passage in which a Greek philosopher presses a rabbi on this issue until–probably for the sake of peace with the Greek occupiers of the Land of Israel–the rabbi accedes to the prevailing view in Greek culture that the soul is present from conception. This concession did not, however, change the Jewish perspective that the activation of the fetus’s status as a human with full human rights still occurs upon birth……..

.http://www.reclaimingjudaism.org/teachings/when-does-life-begin-jewish-view

Essence – Chris Ritchey

Since my journey through “hell on earth” began I haven’t any faith in “organized religion” – as such . I prefer what I feel to be true and science. However, maybe a baby shares his/hers mother’s ( essence) soul until the DNA or whatever changes him her from a cluster of exploding cells to our daughter or son.

I don’t have any answers, just questions, and I am not saying “anyone’s’ beliefs are wrong”. I just know, like other mothers before me, there is, for want of a better word, an intuition we carry and a knowing .

For instance my daughter, who was told she wouldn’t have children (which was devastating to her and her husband) I KNEW she was pregnant . I told Chris who became so angry at me:

“Mum. don’t you dare say anything to Nikki you know how rotten she feels about not being able to have kids”

So I said nothing until two smiling and bright faces appeared in my living room weeks later..

“We are pregnant”.

I specifically said:

“Let me tell Chris. “

I called Chris and said ” I told you so ……. Nikki is having a baby”

How did I know my daughter was pregnant weeks before she knew herself? I told my mother and Chris who both chastised me because a few months before the “specialists” had told her she would never have children.

You couldn’t know that, how did you know?

I don’t know Chris I just knew ..

Maybe it was that Fetal-maternal microchimerism .

However, as I gloated that I was right …. that horrible thought I had when I looked into Chris eyes at two days old also came to the fore – Chris was part way through his Stem Cell Transplants at the time. .

Why did I look in the eyes of my newly born son all those years ago and turn to my mother and say without thinking

” He has sad eyes- he will have a sad life”

and then dismiss it with
“Why ever did I say that”

https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/when-premonition-becomes-hindsight-part-two/

I also knew and told a doctor Nikki was pregnant with her 2nd child … he laughed at me and I said trust me on this and she was!

There are many other happenings which I will expand upon in the forthcoming “alpha” chapters. But for now I struggle to make sense of anything.

I will tell you, as I watched the blood slowly drain from my son’s face , watching his heart stop – I died too. At least the woman and person I was before that instant of death. It was also the death of “hope”

I am never going to be the same , he was gone but part of him still lived emotionally and physically within my heart and “essence”. We continued to share, even though his poor cancer ridden body was just a shell. No more laughter, anger, intelligence , love, happiness, sadness , strength or essence was left to us that was Chris.

darkness of grief Kathe Kollwitz

In that moment of death, there was another birthing – a birthing of grief.

A birthing of another person- that took over from what I used to be. And after all the months and years it hasn’t “changed or become better. The Loraine that I was is lost somewhere, but no longer here. There isn’t a word for a mother who loses her child . There isn’t any tidy little “word box” to describe us . I believe because we are indescribable .

My memories, after he passed that afternoon are pixels, fragments, broken flashes of memory , a brain that was no longer functioning properly.

There was a wheelchair, there was the hotel room, a phone ringing . Lombardis talking to Nikki .

Chris had been dead less than an hour and yet they had already made the appointment for the Funeral Home for 10 am the next morning to discuss arrangements.

Decisions in that hotel room were being made as to who would drive my car. Who would take the bags, wheel me down to the elevator, our little family was reeling , going rom one thing to another, not functioning but the Lombardis were on top of their control game.

I rode home with Nikki I don’t know where anyone else was, Jim, Gavin ( the baby ), my husband, had someone told my mum?

I have no memory I only know I wanted to call my oldest friend , Mike, in Chicago .I needed to hear an English voice for some reason , one who had shared my childhood and happiness of those days.

I walked, well fell, in the front door into my home that evening and dissolved………

To be continued…..

August 3, 2022 at 12:44 am 3 comments

July 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 30- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/

OMEGA

Any words I have left in me are inadequate to describe the utter denial, disbelief , unreality I felt on that last morning of December 3rd. As I walked out of the conference room, the words from the “Doctor” stating we would have to waIt until the paralyzing drugs wore off before they could remove Chris from life support, seemed hollow , without emotion and echoed in my brain, I felt not a part of my own body . I was elsewhere wanting to wake up to a different reality . This can’t be our reality!

I wanted to run away , leave this place of clinical formality, take my son , I saw the relief on the faces of the Lombardi Clan as I agreed to removing Chris from the machines. I agreed with the impossible hope that maybe , he would prove them wrong but also because my son had asked me ”

“Mum don’t ever let me end up being pathetic”

I never wanted to look on the faces of Tim, Sue and Angela ever again. In my mind they were no longer part of our lives. Little did I know they weren’t done with Chris and his family yet, their controlling behaviour would reach out even through the death of Chris , in order to have their own way.

We went into Chris room, Nikki was there in those damned pajamas , talking to him.

“Chris you came home to see me anytime, I love you……”

I wasn’t understanding did she not realize he wouldn’t be ever coming home again?

A nurse ushered out of the room into the room next door, where just a few hours before the patient had caused all the alarm in the night had apparently died. We were told to wait as we couldnt be in the room whilst they “unhooked” Chris .

The room was bare, the bed and machines cleared away. I was in there with Sue Lombardi, Angela and Tim.

I wondered where my husband was , Nikki , Jim???Why was I in that horrible room with these people. I was about to leave when the tellvision, fixed to the wall came on . I don’t know the program but it was country music ….. I couldn’t stand it , it was as if someone was playing some macabre joke.

I grabbed the channel changer from the floor , but no matter what I did I couldn’t get rid of it. Finally Tim Lombardi left Sue’s side , she was sitting on the floor against the wall, but all he managed to do was get it flipping through channels. It ended up on a scene from . The joke being in the family that I was Marie Barone and my favourite was Chris, as hers was Raymond. It was the scene where they were together on a cruise ship.

Angela took the channel changer from her father as Sue said looking at the scene on the television

“OH it is Chris”

I looked at her and thought

stupid woman , why doesn’t she just shut up!!!!

It was then the nurse put her head through the door and said they were ready for us.

Angela, her mother and father went to the right hand side of the bed where there weren’t any machines, I could only squeeze into the other side by the wall and the now quiet ventilator.

I looked at my sons face, wiped the spittle from his mouth , the nurses has closed his eyes . I rambled on, talking to him about being proud of him , how hard he fought and that he should rest now. I don’t know exactly what I was talking about because all I wanted to do was hold him and scream

NO!!!!!!! Stop this !!! This can’t happen

Instead, I watched the colour drain slowly from his face , he had died earlier I knew it…… there was no gasping for breath or convulsion. I looked up into Tim Lombardi’s face who was nodding yes….. Sue left the room Someone took me away from the bedside , I think it was one of Chris’ nurses . There was a wheelchair waiting for me. I had absolutely no idea where I was ,what was happening .

I was taken back to hotel room and we sat. Nobody talked finally we started packing up our belongings and left. Nikki was on the phone apparently to Tim

” arrangements for the funeral home had already been made for the following morning at 10 a.m”

In my maelstrom of thoughts I didn’t understand why Chris’ father hadn’t been there when his son died. I knew Nikki couldn’t face it and was, I thought, being taken care of by Jim.

I understood that but I didn’t understand why I had to look into that weasle little face of Tim Lombardi as my son gave up his being.

It was many weeks later I found out when I finally asked my husband

Where were you , why weren’t YOU with me and Chris?

And then it came to light. He had made sure Nikki was with Jim and then followed us into the room but Sue Lombardi closed the door in his face and he didn’t know what to do , he didn’t want to make a scene so he stood outside the door and looked through the window as his son died.

artwork Chris Ritchey

I would like to say that that was the last cruel and thoughtless act of the Lombardis but there was so much more to come. However it was nearly a year after Chris died that Nikki finally told me what had happened in that ICU room

DEC. 4th- How Cold is Cold -Lombardi?

I couldn’t think that my beautiful son was going to die- I truly still thought he will show them he will come out of this – I never gave up hope and none of us said to goodbye-

My husband when he was in a coma told us that he had heard every word that people spoke but he couldn’t let us know. So we all acted on the fact that Chris too, was aware and were so careful not to say or do anything that would distress him- trapped as he was…….

Fashionistas Sue Lombardi and Angela (Lombardi) ritchey( Now Murphy.

This apparently was not consideration given by the Lombardis as Sue Lombardi and Angela joined Nikki in the ICU room. Nikki was putting cool cloths on Chris’ brow , holding his hand and talking to him that everything was Ok and she wouldn’t leave him-

However that was not the reason apparently the Lombardi women were in the room, not for them comfort and saying farewell NO they had other reasons for seeing Chris

they were choosing his “laying out clothes”

So before my son was dead, two minutes after Nikki had learned they were taking Chris off the vent – Angela Ritchey(Murphy) DO and Sue stood over my dying son having already decided without even the courtesy of discussing with Chris’ family the Gluvna Funeral Home would handle the arrangements-

Sue Lombardi

We will lay him out in his black pants, blue shirt and silver tie

Angela –

Yes, but no suit jacket Chris wouldn’t like that

Nikki couldn’t believe what she was hearing her brother lying there still breathing, still warm, his hand still in hers and they are discussing “funeral fashion!” –

Nikki told me that day a year later between her sobs –

Mum who are these people? how does a “bride” stand there as her husband is dying and calmly decide what fashion statement he will make in his casket- I was standing there trying to memorize every piece of his face, his hands everything about him knowing I would never see him again and they are discussing what to dress him in and he wasn’t even dead. I just cannot believe they were so cool and calm and cold when Angela said
“Yes but no jacket ” it was in the same tone as saying

I will have honey mustard sauce with the nuggets…….

Nikki turned to them and quietly said through her teeth so that Chris didn’t hear

NO! you are not laying my brother out, there will be no casket he is to be cremated, he isn’t to go to Gluvna but to Boyers – I will fight you on this – he is to go home

Sue Lombardi:

but this will be a huge funeral and what would we do about the parking….

I still find this scenario incredible What kind of people are more concerned in the “funeral fashion statement” of their son-in-law and new husband will wear and where Sue would have people park as he is clinging to life.

Who calmly looks at their dying groom and is concerned about jacket or no jacket, what kind of people are these ?- How could you even discuss this as a sister holds her dying brothers hand and tries to give him comfort?

How could Angela even contemplate that next move? I just know that anyone who loved my son deeply would not be thinking of “dressing him in his coffin” in their last moments together !
I didn’t know any of this at the time and it is probably just as well because as traumatic as the next few days were they would have been worse as my anger would have risen to a dreadful climax.

– I am even more filled with disgust that someone who was so full of life, love and caring has left this life and those that should have mourned his loss stood over him – as he lay dying deciding how to dress him in a casket to look good!

The disgust I felt at such pious hypocrites is indescribable – to think my son was subject to this in his last moments “what would he be wearing as they decorated him in the casket “ filled me with a gut filled sickness, it is beyond my comprehension as to what he did to deserve such coldness?

To be continued ……..

July 3, 2022 at 1:51 pm 2 comments

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/

A losing of function

Note: I have been dreading this chapter all month. I have put it off, shoved the memories back into their dwelling place. As my self- imposed deadline of the 3rd of the month loomed, I ran emotionally from remembering. My conscious thought telling me

“don’t go there ” , you can’t go back to that time, your well being is at stake. You survived that day because it was so surreal and you were protected by “unbelievability” as to what was actually happening. You were tired, emotionally exhausted things happening were cushioned with incredibility , the -this is not happening syndrome.

Days passed and the closer the 3rd of June came the more I ran from this writing. I couldn’t bring myself to do this , but the nights were different perspective altogether, I lay awake for hours, although exhausted , I would watch the moon in its phases lighting the bedroom causing the tree to outside cast its dancing shadows on the wall.

Everything in me has fought this moment, but here it is June the 2nd, 2022 and I am remembering the most painful day of my life and “my death” as well. You see, and I know those of you that have lost a son or daughter know the very moment that happens , you lose who you are too. You are not the same and you never will be ………

For days I sat by your side , those last three days being in the new Medical ICU unit were dreadful. Not only did the nurses and doctors not know who I was, and I was too tired to explain, I was falling apart emotionally and physically. Weeks of wearing the paper medical masks ( since they insisted you had H1N1), because that is what Angela had told them in ER and of course why question the “doctor in waiting”.

The mask, the dryness of the room and the stress had caused the skin under my nose to blister and scab. I, apparently, was somewhat allergic to those particular masks. One lovely nurse gave me ointment to help. There was no ointment for my swollen, to nearly three time their regular size, my legs. In this unit , there was not comfortable arm chair. This unit obviously did not want visitors so the only chair was a metal folding chair. Sitting on the cold hard metal , not moving holding his hand, only getting up to put a cool facecloth on his burning brow. I was reminded every time I did so by the marks left on your scalp as they had pulled off the brain wave electrodes, the skin was sore and red and the hair gone and slight bleeding. Someone obviously had no thought for my son as they pulled those off, but he was dying anyway! I noticed a lot of that sort of attitude in that unit, so different from the previous ICU.

Photo source http://www.neurowavesystems.com/

And so it was the night of December 2nd. I had gone , as usual walked to the unit with my husband about 10 pm. The Lombardi clan hovering in the corridors talking tacos. I had no wish to see.

Nikki was exhausted , having to breastfeed the baby and dealing with everything. Jim had brought the baby up to the hotel. Nikki hadn’t any pajamas and had purchased a pair at the gift shop. Unlike my lime green creation I had purchased, the one pair she had to buy was two piece pink, chocolate and white striped . I remember thinking they reminded me of Neapolitan ice cream.

I was surprised , as we headed to the unit to see two of Chris’ high school friends. What were they doing there????? , Apparently, Angela had been sending out texts

“if they wanted to see Chris before he died they should come”

I cannot honestly remember what I said to them , but I don’t think I was very pleasant. However, it explained why Chris’ nurse was flustered as we walked into our son’s room

“You know there are visiting hours we can’t have all you people coming in and out all night long”

I explained who I was and why I would be sitting there all night , at least until rounds in the morning. If they needed me to move I would but I would not be leaving my son. She explained that during her shift people had been in and out. I told her :

she would have to take that up with his wife because I certainly was against anyone coming into see him in this condition. He would have hated it.

My husband went back to the hotel room . I continued to sit in that glass bubble of a world, a young woman ( presumably a Doctor) would look through the glass at the monitors. I hoped Chris could hear me I hummed the lullabies of his childhood, talked softly as to how much we loved him, that Nikki and Jim were there., anything to try to give him comfort, trapped as he was, encased in machines.

My inner thoughts , I did not say outloud , I spoke them silently

” Please Chris you have to turn a corner soon , I just don’t know how much longer I can hold up, please Chris

Nurse Nicole , it was her first week in that particular ICU came in to say they would be bathing him and I could stay and help if I wished. I told her

No! he would hate me to be there for that and I would go and get something to drink and come back.

After a while I went back into the ICU , I asked whether they had been continuing the eye drops as his eyes were partially open and I had been told it could cause issues if they weren’t moisturized regulary after he came off the vent.

She went away to get an OK and came back, I said did she notice the urine bag had blood in it. No! that wasn’t like that before, I will check let me put the drops in. It was 3 am and she looked at me and said

“his pupils are fixed and dilated “

Fixed and moderately dilated pupils are seen in brain death because of the loss of both sympathetic and parasympathetic influences.

She then left to call for the head of the unit. All hell broke loose as a male Doctor , whomever he was , and the nurses as they came to our room, the man in the next room decided to have an episode and apparently passed. I waited and then the nurse said the Doctor had ordered a scan. I called Angela and told her what the nurse had said and waited.

It was 5 am by this time , Angela appeared at the desk with the Doctor, who had glanced into the room at that stats at least twice during the night . She and Angela chatted as if I didn’t exist .

Angela asked what was the prognosis?

OH ! this is the first night he had held his own

– Angela

Cool Beans! we now have to feed my boy

Dr. We have to do something about a bowel movement first

As I stood there like some peripheral groupie I mentioned the scan and that

“the ICU nurse was very concerned as his pupils were fixed and dilated and had called the Neurologist for a scan”

The Elephant Run-by Chris Ritchey

Two faces and pairs of eyes ” in the know medical (Drs.?) turned and looked at me like I was some sort of “ignorant irritant”

That young woman. presumably a Doctor, – I don’t remember her name just her face- I had seen it through the early morning hours looking at the monitors through the glass – never once coming into the room – said:
”

Oh I am not worried he is on a boat load of medication

Giggles from the “Dr. to be Ritchey ( Angela)

Oh! he is on enough medication to fill up an elephant heehehehehee!

I had such a bad feeling but I had to sleep, I left them chatting and went back to the room . I went to the chaise lounge by the window where I could see his room across the way. I fell instantly into a desperate sleep only to be woken by Nikki-

Mum you have to go back

– I said

Nikki I can’t- I can’t even stand

and she said

Mum, you have to something is wrong- I will come down as soon as Jim gets here to take Gavin

I rushed through the hallways- to this day I have no idea what clothes I had on…. I found my son’s room empty of the usual “clan”– no one was with him I went in- a new nurse said

You are wanted in the conference room for a family meeting

-I said

my husband is there I am not leaving my son alone I promised him-

Nurse

YOU HAVE TO GO!

I looked at this officious nurse and said

“I DON’T “HAVE” TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING I AM NOT LEAVING MY SON ALONE!

It was then Nikki arrived – still in the Neapolitan pajamas purchased from the hospital gift shop- like some bizarre clown outfit. I remember thinking Chris would find it funny.

She said:

Mum you go I will stay with Chris I promise

The meeting that day was about taking Chris off the vent they the hospital and they needed me there as they

“didn’t want any trouble”

They needed my permission as well as his wifes- I had the night before made sure that the staff were now aware that Nikki and I were also on his paperwork.

The Doctor, who chatted about bowel movement and holding his own just 2 hours previously was now saying his brainstem ( after looking at the scans) had collapsed and he was effectively brain dead.

Brainstem death is a clinical syndrome defined by the absence of reflexes with pathways through the brainstem – the “stalk” of the brain, which connects the spinal cord to the mid-brain, cerebellum and cerebral hemispheres – in a deeply comatose, ventilator-dependent patient. Identification of this state carries a very grave prognosis for survival; cessation of heartbeat often occurs within a few days, although it may continue for weeks if intensive support is maintained.

The Dr. explained what would happen and our options and what each option would mean when they did this-one option being surgery to release the pressure on the brain. What ever they did they were going to have to wait until one of the medications which paralyzed him wore off so it would be a little while.

NOTE: I cannot write anymore as the dying time took all day and horrors of heartbreak and ignorance continued to pummel me and my family. There was no kindness in this dying … I will have to continue on the next 3rd

to be continued……..

June 3, 2022 at 11:17 am 3 comments

April 3rd-No Limits – Chapter 27- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

The fog of remaining…….

I sit at this keyboard on a chilly spring day , trying to be brave enough to continue with this story. I am not brave I am jelly, everything about me is trying to run from these chapters , not to relive the most excruciating pain that, for most, is not to be imagined.

Chris Ritchey—- FOG

The extreme emotions that flood through body and brain whilst waiting for my son to pass from this existence were somehow blanketed and softened ,at the time, with a fog of surreality all the while begging for any sign of hope.

I know now, after these years of “living with the loss”, that feeling – disoriented, confused, in a fog are responses that are the brain’s attempts to dissociate itself from emotional pain.

The brain is built to perceive an existential threat as a threat to our very existence. This triggers what most people know as the “fight or flight” response. Stress hormones course throughout the body. “Your heart starts racing, your blood pressure increases, your respiratory rate increases, you become sweaty, as the body marshals defenses for you to protect yourself, one way or another,” https://www.heart.org/en/news/2021/03/10/how-grief-rewires-the-brain-and-can-affect-health-and-what-to-do-about-it?msclkid=779cd4c4b1d211ec9c8f2a31ff281e84

I haven’t the words to explain those last days , hours blended into a few minutes of conscious thought and movement whilst trying to disappear into another world of existing elsewhere……. anywhere…. besides that waiting room and those people.

Robotic responses , a feeling of being crushed, enveloped in some sort of claustrophobic existence, all the time wanting to scream, run , and trying with all my heart for a solution a way to save my son.

People moved in and out of my world that week, broken by surfacing to what was my horrific reality . The only time I had any peace was alone in the the ICU room 6 listening to the breathing of the machine, holding his hand , singing softly when I could the lullabies from when he was a baby . The nurses told me he could probably hear me and I would look at his heart rate and when it slowed from its “rushing pace” I knew he knew my presence.

The times Nikki was able to come , his heart rate slowed and he relaxed….. Nurse Heather….. who always held out hope for me, from rolling a neck pillow for under his neck, because

“after being so long in one position when the patient woke and was off the ventilator it would help with the stiffness”.

That small act and her caring of my son as a person not a lab rat gave a glimmer of peace. Heather would add eye drops to lubricate his eyes . When Nikki would enter the room and talk to Chris and his body relaxed she said,

Oh! I wish she could stay all day, it is the only time he doesn’t fight the ventilator .

For the next couple of days we drifted in and out of hope. It was about 1 in the morning, I would sit next to Chris all night, you see I had this phobia of sorts, that if I could let him know I was there and get him past “three in the morning” he would survive another day .

I know how that sounds but I had a morbid dread of that hour I sat quietly holding his hand, watching his stats on the monitor, listening to every breath. He seemed to be sleeping, but then he squeezed my hand so tightly I was shocked, he hadn’t reacted to my holding his hand that way , I wasn’t sure what he needed.

hands – artwork Chris Ritchey

Thinking he was in pain I rang for the nurse, two came in , one male nurse I hadn’t seen before and another who I had only seen once before. , the male checked the ventilator and the other spoke to Chris. asking him if he was in pain

It was the last time I saw my son respond , with a slight shake of his head. A few moments later as I looked at the monitor his heart rate dropped from the 134 to 89,

I said:

his heart rate has dropped

They ignored me, went on checking fluids , Iv’s etc. Then went up again and then it fell again I said:

his heart rate has dropped again

the male nurse said

” that is what we want it to do”

but then it went back up again. I could tell I was being “dismissed”

Chris, seemed to settle back into a rhythm and around 8 am I went back to the room to try and sleep , knowing we had come through another night .

NOTE: Talking to physicians afterwards, I was told that slowing of the heart rate was probably due to him having a stroke. Also the fact that he had pin prick holes in his lungs that were turning leather like and the pressure of the vents forcing air was of course a reaction with the lungs.

“The machine uses positive pressure to force air into your lungs. Think of standing in front of a leaf blower.”

We had sort of settled into a rhythm ourselves, the Lombardi Clan and I. I would take the night shift or when no-one else could be there . I suppose they were avoiding me as much as I wanted to avoid them. The Drs. made their rounds in the morning and that was when Angela would be there . I would wait for what she was told or what the nurses would tell me later.

My physical being , as well as my emotional being was suffering . 10 days of barely two to three house of sleep in 24 was taking its toll. Sitting in the chair by the bed , scared to move, had made my legs and ankles swell so badly I would have put bags of ice on my feet to put my shoes on.

The type of hospital masks we were required to wear, as they were concerned about H1N1, rubbed the tender spot under my nose. I wore them for so many hours I ended up with raw spots between my nose and upper lip, as days went on it got worse. The nurses helped with some ointment , but I believe stress wasn’t helping the situation.

When I came down to ICU again, the morning after the heart beat drop, all hell had broken loose. Nurse Heather coming out into the corridor , the Lombardi Clan mingled, agitated gestures and outraged behavior met me . I couldn’t fathom what was going on.

Nurse Heather, walked through them -faced me took my hands in mine looked me straight in the eyes, tears filling hers and said

” I am so sorry”

I thought Chris must have passed without me by his side, but why were the faces of the Lombardi clan so animated with annoyance?

Apparently, before I arrived to the Neurological ICU where Chris had been admitted due to lack of space in the Medical Unit, Sue Lombardi had been making her rounds in the ICU again bothering nurses and going into Chris’s room and discussing his condition and asking questions as to the current situation etc. etc.

Chris’s stats and heart rate would climb when she was in the room and the Nurses on duty informed Angela :

her mother was not helping him and interfering, bothering other nurses and asking questions about other patients in the unit and could she not enter ICU alone anymore.

That had set off the “Clan” and Angela ( Dr. in resident) insisted Chris be moved from the Neurological Unit to the other floor and the Medical Unit. I had no say , to be honest I was still trying to fathom what was going on.

Days previously, a resident came to talk to me from the Medical Unit- they had room for Chris , Angela had declined and apparently something had upset the resident. Later that night a Doctor from the unit came in , asked me if I was Chris mother. Yes. They wanted “MY” permission to bring Chris into the unit .

I said:

if his wife said no and well she is a resident and knows more than I – I would have to go along with her decision.

I am not sure what that was all about but it seemed strange that now all of a sudden the move she had fought initially was happening because her mother was upset with the nurses in the Neurological Unit – nothing was making any sense.

I went into his room a nurse was there sticking pins in his foot and hand. She looked at my face and said I am sorry but he has had a stroke , his lung had also collapsed .

I stood there incredulous, the fog overwhelming me again. I was then told Angela and family ( what the hell was I?) had NOW requested Chris be moved to the Medical Unit.

They were getting ready to take him off the vent in order to transport him. I looked at the nurse and said :

isn’t that dangerous wouldn’t that put his body through more stress.

She just looked at me and gave a slight shrug and a smile I can only describe as sympathetic.

The next thing, I was asked to wait in the corridor . I did. Chris was put into an elevator . They had to manually pump the oxygen into his lungs as he went into the elevator his heart rate was registering 169 .

but the Lombardi’s had their way ……..

Angela , Sue and Tim Lombardi

To Be continued…….

April 3, 2022 at 2:39 pm 4 comments

March 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 26- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

THE WINTER OF WEEPING that never ends…………

NOTE: It is said that time heals and spring and new life replaces the dark dreary days of winter. Those of the sisterhood of grief , especially those who have lost a soul and child of their body and heart, winter never ends. You are still lost in those days , you see glimpses of life and happiness, but you are never again whole. You see when you lose your child you and the person you were – leaves with them – when they draw their last breath.

You don’t even look the same, you may be thinner, put on weight , age more quickly, your eyes smart with too many tears, lines appear around your eyes and mouth , not the lines of age but of pain. You are wary , looking out for those moments that assault you as you go about your daily routine. Oh you smile at the correct moments, you try to join in with life , but no matter the days, months even years the only thing that gets better is you can hide the heart break just a bit better. You have learned who you can reach out , who doesn’t flinch when you want to talk about you child. Those who are patient and those who are understanding because they too are members of the Sisterhood of Grief.

I wrote the following five months after Christopher passed from this world. And all these years later nothing has changed…… Photo Credit – Virginia Mak

The Sisterhood

It was Thanksgiving. I was alone with Chris, everyone was with family . I sat by his bedside , he couldn’t talk a lot due to the oxygen mask , I read, although I had no idea what I was reading . I would, when he closed his eyes, drink in every part of my son, the contours of his face , his hands on the the sheet, his arms strong still listened to every breath he took , movement, sound he made. That day, the sun shone in the window, and the beard he had been growing had become more pronounced.

He grew the facial hair after he lost all of his hair due to the horrendous chemo sessions and stem cell transplants. I think he did so because it was a sign his body was trying to get back to normalcy. The last time he and his Nana were together at Nikki’s she stroked his face and the beginnings of his beard and said :

Chris you are truly my Viking and that is how I will think of you , brave and golden.

I was filling my memory of my son, every feature , nuance and aspect of my son that morning of Thanksgiving. The sunlight caught his face and the golden red of his beard . My Viking.

I didn’t want him to see me lose it so I excused myself and went to the waiting room. Thankfully there was no one there and I wept with the pain of “WHY”?????????????

When I finally pulled myself together and returned to the room he was sleeping . I sat quietly, hardly daring to breathe, I had always been told that sleep is how the body heals. I was clutching at anything I could find to give me hope, willing whatever strength I had to somehow be miraculously given to him by some magical umbilical chord of life.

He woke , pulled down his oxygen mask and asked for a sip of water. Those were the last words he spoke to to me , not his last words, but the last thing he ever asked of me . I held the bottle of water with the hospital straw , he took a small sip and immediately started choking….

All Hell broke loose nurses cand people came rushing into the room and someone grabbed hold of my arm and ushered me out into the still empty waiting room. I didn’t know what was happening, I knew it wasn’t good….. The “code blue ” over the pa system. Drs., interns , nurses came rushing along the corridor and then two technicians with a ventilator .

I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think I was frozen , everything was falling away from me , no-one to hold me up, no where to go , what should I do ?,

WHY?????????? for God’s sake why……… NOOOOOOO this can’t happen…… . I was shaking with cold and tears.

After what seemed an eternity , one of Chris nurses came out to the waiting room with a cup of hot chocolate, she said

“it is OK he has been put on the vent to help him breathe, he has been sedated , the Dr. will be out in a moment drink this “

But you see, I knew from that first day of diagnosis all through

the best cancer to have, just 6 rounds of Chemo, 95 percent cure rate ,

because I had always known that damned cancer was winning. I had fought down my knowing and fears, I had embraced hope, prayers , medicines, trials , anything to fight the obscenity of death that was coming for my son. I had seen the fear on his face as they all came rushing in, the silent tears that fell from his eyes, and I heard his last words he ever spoke……....

I tried to call someone, anyone but I couldn’t make my fingers work or my brain, I don’t remember breathing , I stood there thinking this must be what shock is.

Finally the Dr. came in , I will call her Dr. RA, hers is the only name I remember from that day. The first thing she said was

“Would you like a priest ?”

No! I don’t want a damned priest , what good is he, to give me comfort! blessings !NO I want someone to stop my son dying….. not religious platitudes that don’t mean a thing.

I didn’t say that out loud , all I could manage was

No, is Chris critical.

She looked at me and said:

Oh! he has been critical since he came in , has no-one mentioned that to you , he is dying.

Then she left. The nurse came back to check on me and helped me call Angela, my husband and my son in law.

Angela was the first to arrive, with her sister,

Is he dead?

I shook my head and she went into the ICU , Her sister chatted on about how she broke the speed limit to get there. And then the clan of Lombardi arrived with cold mashed potatoes, congealed gravy, turkey and pumpkin pie, chatting about leftovers would be good in the microwave if this was going to be a long night …….. and I thought.. who are these awful people chatting and laughing whilst my son is dying about leftovers and time.

Time no longer existed in my world it had stopped…………

THIS be HELL …. I must have died……………………………. could have been the only explanation

To be continued………………..

March 3, 2022 at 1:06 pm 3 comments

February 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 25-Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

The Circus from Hell

The next morning ,after the fiasco of the Lombardi’s clever ideas as to how to get a young man who couldn’t breathe or walk more than two feet without aid and my outrage as to what they were planning, Angela came in from her shift at the hospital.

Angela ritchey DO photo Chris Ritchey

I found out later she wasn’t scheduled for that shift but asked to change. I never did find out why . Chris , was not doing well and it was decided to tell Chris he was going to have to go back into the Clinic. He didn’t take it well a plastic water bottle flew across the room and hit the wall. I was pleased , believe it or not, it showed he still had strength and fight left in him.

Then it began, the rescue squad having to get him down the apartment stairs , Angela riding in the ambulance, me following the ambulance as I had no clue where I was going. Nine hours in the ER as there was no room in the Medical ICU. Phone calls back and forth. Angela telling the attending physician he had been diagnosed with H1NI. I was perplexed this was the first I heard of it . I kept thinking

that isn’t right why is she saying that , was I being kept in the dark again? I believed that damned flu shot was causing issues. If he had HINI why were they trying to send him back to Houston, none of this was making sense..

well not then anyway.

Clowns – artwork Chris Ritchey

Chris was finally sent to the Neurological ICU as there was no room in the Medical ICU.

And we waited , Sue and Tim arrived and my husband and the days turned into one long nightmare. Chris was admitted on the Saturday before Thanksgiving . I would fall asleep in the chair . I promised Chris he would never be alone and at first it worked reasonably well I would trade off with Angela during the day but the nurses let me stay in the room in a chair at night.

Then since they couldn’t figure out what was going on it was decided he must have H1N1. This meant we were fully masked and gowned when we went into his room. I watched my son’s every movement, every heart beat , every drop or rise in oxygen levels.

I sat there hour after hour trying to find away to give him strength , doing the deals with whomever ran the universe, all the time remembering my premonitions and fighting them back down into my sub conscience.

Finally exhaustion got the better of me, I could no longer see straight or sit in that waiting room . Nikki arranged to get me a room at the Intercontinental Hotel attached to the Clinic so I could walk back and forth. I had some clothes with me from the Friday but they were in the trunk of my car and I hadn’t a clue where it was. My mum had packed a small carrier bag with change of underwear and blouse and sweater sending it up with my husband.

I needed a few things so I bought a pair of pajamas in the Clinic Gift shop. The only ones in my size were bright lime green, terribly unflattering but then again no-one would be seeing me in in them, a toothbrush, deodorant etc. I made my way to the lobby of the hotel through the hospital feeling terribly afraid and alone. There was some funny looks when my only luggage was an Aldi’s carrier bag. Still the credit card was good.

I went to the room, had a shower put on my lime green pj’s and called room service. Well of course I had no robe and hadn’t thought , the waiter brought in the food on a trolley , whatever he thought of the vision in green he saw before him he didn’t show a change in face as this little fat woman in lime green pj’s ( that were a little tight) and red hair signed the chit.

I ate my first decent meal in days and fell into the bed and passed out. I slept till the evening and was going back through the corridors to the hospital when I saw two nurses helping a woman walk . I realized from the conversation as I went passed she was Carla Nash , the lady who had been attacked by a chimpanzee and was at the clinic after having a face transplant. I thought they seem to be able to work miracles , will there be one for my son and a little hope crept back into my being. I saw the trio on more than one occasion and my heart went out to her.

There were other stories during those hours and days as we waited and hoped.

An elderly man, some thing of a musician from what I gathered from a conversation in the waiting room of hell , was dying in the next room. His wife sat by his bed all day. Later that evening Chris’s nurse asked if it would bother us if his daughter, who was in one of the symphony orchestras. could play for her father.

As I sat there masked and gowned and closed off in our glassed in room, the faint sound of a violin drifted through the air . It was so surreal , this beautiful piece of music like some heavenly message easing her fathers passing and reminding me how much love and pain was happening on the other side of the wall , but beautiful at the same time . The music stopped and so apparently had the life of one more human being and their story.

There were of course other stories

The mum who had been brought in with a brain aneurism , her family gathered in the the small ICU waiting room, the tears, the worry , the hope. I don’t know what happened to her . Others whose lives crashed into ours in that room and then left some in tears and some transferred out of ICU with smiles. .

After three days of no sleep and actually pretty much on my own as far as my family I was ready to drop .

Once the diagnosis of H1N1 was decided upon Nikki and the new baby couldn’t be put at risk, my mum 90 , couldn’t take a chance with her and my husband could only come for an hour or so. He hated hospitals, Chris knew that and we knew if he was there holding vigil with me Chris would KNOW how much danger he was in , so it had to be…

” Oh Dad is coming in for a visit”

There I was alone in that waiting room from hell. The Lombardis, as Sue stated “will circle around Angela” , I definitely was excluded from that circle. And they did numbers of them all chatting and laughing and living. It was so hard .

Do you pray Loraine? You aren’t Catholic are you , what plans are you making ? Do you like Tacos?

However, when Sue was present it was doubly hard, she used to do and say the most inane things and it took everything I had to keep my mouth shut.

One particular day I got summoned by the nurse in ICU.

Is Chris’s mother in law attached to a medical practice?

No , why would you ask that ?

You will have to talk to your daughter in law , please. We know SHE is a resident and the nurses don’t want to make a big deal, but her mother is making a nuisance of herself, going to talk to the nurses and looking it at the other patients and giving advice.

Also, your daughter in law’s friend has come in and changed the setting the oxygen machine ( she was also a resident) and we have had to reset it, that can’t happen.

That day I had to mention to one of the sisters that

“Sue was being Sue and causing concern in the ICU and could someone please tell her not to continue in that vein” “

THAT did not go down very well. They shot the messenger! Talk went to a minimum but actually that was a blessing in disguise.

Even the Clinic security made the “Mother of my Hell “ prove she wasn’t a homeless person camping out in the waiting room with sleeping bags , pillows and food . Why they didn’t get themselves a room if they were going to continue to “circle Angela” I broached the subject: ,

Sue said Oh no! far too expensive!!!!!!”

Well there is plenty in the account from the fundraiser isn’t there at least 35 thousand, you could use that , after all that is why we had that fundraiser . Oh and by the way can I have the list of donors for Thank Yous. I have Nikkis list and mine but I know there were so many others!

I couldn’t credit her answer and I was perplexed :

Sue Lombardi –
“We don’t want people to know the full amount – we aren’t publicizing that. I have opened a safe deposit box for the cash – Angela has access” How do you know the amounts ?

Obviously Chris told me , why wouldn’t he? He was very grateful to everyone that donated.

I said to Chris after one particularly stressful evening

Oh ! Chris you owe me lunch for this, being in that holding area with them.

( having to put up with them and trying to keep my mouth shut – not an easy thing for me, . We certainly had nothing in common except what I supposed was the love of our children. and Chris knew how hard it was 🙂 )

and a lobster lunch at that.

He smiled and moved his oxygen mask and said :

” keep them out of here and I will buy you dinner too !”

Most days and nights bled into one another . I had no clue as to the time of day of day of the week. I would surface for a bit and memory comes in fragments of those days of crisis. It is only as I write some flash of a forgotten memory of those days in no particular sequence come back. ……. and my gut tightens , a sick feeling comes into my soul, an ache for my child overwhelms me once more .

To be continued……..

February 3, 2022 at 2:29 am 3 comments

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Cleveland – The Dying Time

NOTE: Two years ago today I started writing Chris’ story of his life and time on this poor planet . I cannot begin to tell you the toll these last few chapters have taken upon my very being.

I have to write at night when all is quiet and I am alone with my tears and gutting pain, trying to swallow back the emotions that erupt out of the very depths of me. It is painful and torturous but I promised and I will keep that promise to my son.

despair. by Chris Ritchey

Chris spent a few days being tested after returning to Cleveland , getting fluids. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving . I had spoken to Chris on the phone the night before , he wanted to come home for a few days but could he come to our house as he didn’t want to add to Nikki’s work, as she had the baby.

I said that was fine, have Angela drive him here if he was a bit wobbly to drive and I would get a room ready and etc.

On that Friday I was in K Mart getting new bedding and towels, groceries that I knew he would eat etc. for him and anything thing else I could think of to make him comfortable for when he came home. I knew that his dog Misty would help , they so loved each other and Misty missed him terribly.

My mother and I were just getting ready to go through the checkout when Angela called on my cell phone . I became a little confused as she said:

“Chris, said that you were going to come to the apartment and stay the night with him as I have to be on duty”

This was the first I had heard of it , but I didn’t say anything, maybe Chris had not told her he had wanted to come home . I would ask him when I saw him. I went along with her and said

Yes I can come , what time

she said she needed me there by 6.

Ok I will bring him supper and will be there at 6.

I went home made arrangements and took the food up with me. When I arrived, just before 6, Angela had already left . Chris was lying on the couch looking dreadful. He hadn’t eaten so I thought maybe he needed some nourishment . He ate in silence and then said :

Mum, you will have to go down and let this guy in he is coming to bring an oxygen tank

Why? what is going on, what happened I thought you were coming home, I don’t understand.

Well it seems he never told Angela about wanting to come home because he had started having difficulty breathing they went to South Pointe again. They prescribed oxygen to help with the breathing, they though he might have the flu.

Oh that damned flu shot , I didn’t think it was the flu I thought that shot is giving a false reading

but then I thought

it can’t be that bad they would have kept him in.

The man with the oxygen tank arrived, hooked up this cylinder type tank and Chris looked a little better. After he left Chris wanted to watch a movie . I remember his words so clearly , he was trying to put on a movie and the exertion of going across the room took everything he had.

“This is like drowning must be, not being able to breathe is so dibilitating , it is worse than the cancer. Mum what ever don’t let me be pathetic because I am pathetic now”

Oh Chris you aren’t pathetic, you are wonderful I love you and this is the flu.

In my heart of heart I knew this was not the flu. I didn’t know what to say or do I just sat an watched the tv screen, I couldn’t even tell you what the movie was. I just sat in the chair wanting to scream out loud to the gods, to fate, to whomever and desperatly trying not let my son see I was petrified for him.

He would dose off for a few minutes and then wake fitfully. About 11 pm Angela called:

She said that she had been speaking to her father and mother and they decided they needed to get Chris back to Houston.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing

Angela, and her parents were making arrangements to put Chris on a damned train to Texas. They had made arrangements for Chris to leave at three ( four hours from now) she would be home to help get him packed and help to get to the Amtrack station and take a train to Chicago , change trains to Austin and then it was ONLY a three hour drive to Houston!

I was incredulous what were these people thinking ? This young man dragging around an oxygen tank, had to have help getting to the bathroom. He couldn’t even make it downstairs.

For Christ sake those parents might be intellectually challenged, in my opinion, but Angela was a resident soon to be physician, she had to know that would kill him a journey like that !

Was I supposed to go with him him in 4 hours with just an overnight bag. I really couldn’t credit what I was hearing , surely they did not expect Chris to drag around on his own.

I said there was no way that would be possible.

Chris overhearing the conversation was desperate to get back to Houston, he thought they were his only hope and he would fight to get there .

I knew it would be disasterous to even attempt that journey and for ONCE in this whole fisaco of Lombardi-ism I put my foot down and said NO! that was not going to happen.

I told Chris,

“Look there is no way either of us could make that journey and I WILL be going with you , trust me on that . I will start calling around for options in the morning , if I have to charter a plane or hire an ambulance or drive a damned RV to Texas myself I will.”

He said

you can’t drive to Texas

I will do what ever needs to be done I will call Dr. Younes in the morning and see what HE suggests.

He then slept for a little and I sat up with him all that night watching every rise and fall of his chest, every whince, every sound………

That was the first night of two weeks of not sleeping for more than three hours at a time………………………….

January 3, 2022 at 2:12 pm 1 comment

Older Posts

That Woman’s Weblog

Posts tagged ‘grief’

November 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 34- Chris Ritchey

October 3rd- NO LIMITS – Chapter 33 – Chris Ritchey

September 3rd- Chapter 32- NO LIMITS-Chris Ritchey

August 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 31 – Chris Ritchey

July 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 30- Chris Ritchey

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey

April 3rd-No Limits – Chapter 27- Chris Ritchey

The fog of remaining…….

March 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 26- Chris Ritchey

February 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 25-Chris Ritchey

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

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