grief | That Woman's Weblog

Note: I have been dreading this chapter all month. I have put it off, shoved the memories back into their dwelling place. As my self- imposed deadline of the 3rd of the month loomed, I ran emotionally from remembering. My conscious thought telling me

“don’t go there ” , you can’t go back to that time, your well being is at stake. You survived that day because it was so surreal and you were protected by “unbelievability” as to what was actually happening. You were tired, emotionally exhausted things happening were cushioned with incredibility , the -this is not happening syndrome.

Days passed and the closer the 3rd of June came the more I ran from this writing. I couldn’t bring myself to do this , but the nights were different perspective altogether, I lay awake for hours, although exhausted , I would watch the moon in its phases lighting the bedroom causing the tree to outside cast its dancing shadows on the wall.

Everything in me has fought this moment, but here it is June the 2nd, 2022 and I am remembering the most painful day of my life and “my death” as well. You see, and I know those of you that have lost a son or daughter know the very moment that happens , you lose who you are too. You are not the same and you never will be ………

For days I sat by your side , those last three days being in the new Medical ICU unit were dreadful. Not only did the nurses and doctors not know who I was, and I was too tired to explain, I was falling apart emotionally and physically. Weeks of wearing the paper medical masks ( since they insisted you had H1N1), because that is what Angela had told them in ER and of course why question the “doctor in waiting”.

The mask, the dryness of the room and the stress had caused the skin under my nose to blister and scab. I, apparently, was somewhat allergic to those particular masks. One lovely nurse gave me ointment to help. There was no ointment for my swollen, to nearly three time their regular size, my legs. In this unit , there was not comfortable arm chair. This unit obviously did not want visitors so the only chair was a metal folding chair. Sitting on the cold hard metal , not moving holding his hand, only getting up to put a cool facecloth on his burning brow. I was reminded every time I did so by the marks left on your scalp as they had pulled off the brain wave electrodes, the skin was sore and red and the hair gone and slight bleeding. Someone obviously had no thought for my son as they pulled those off, but he was dying anyway! I noticed a lot of that sort of attitude in that unit, so different from the previous ICU.

Photo source http://www.neurowavesystems.com/

And so it was the night of December 2nd. I had gone , as usual walked to the unit with my husband about 10 pm. The Lombardi clan hovering in the corridors talking tacos. I had no wish to see.

Nikki was exhausted , having to breastfeed the baby and dealing with everything. Jim had brought the baby up to the hotel. Nikki hadn’t any pajamas and had purchased a pair at the gift shop. Unlike my lime green creation I had purchased, the one pair she had to buy was two piece pink, chocolate and white striped . I remember thinking they reminded me of Neapolitan ice cream.

I was surprised , as we headed to the unit to see two of Chris’ high school friends. What were they doing there????? , Apparently, Angela had been sending out texts

“if they wanted to see Chris before he died they should come”

I cannot honestly remember what I said to them , but I don’t think I was very pleasant. However, it explained why Chris’ nurse was flustered as we walked into our son’s room

“You know there are visiting hours we can’t have all you people coming in and out all night long”

I explained who I was and why I would be sitting there all night , at least until rounds in the morning. If they needed me to move I would but I would not be leaving my son. She explained that during her shift people had been in and out. I told her :

she would have to take that up with his wife because I certainly was against anyone coming into see him in this condition. He would have hated it.

My husband went back to the hotel room . I continued to sit in that glass bubble of a world, a young woman ( presumably a Doctor) would look through the glass at the monitors. I hoped Chris could hear me I hummed the lullabies of his childhood, talked softly as to how much we loved him, that Nikki and Jim were there., anything to try to give him comfort, trapped as he was, encased in machines.

My inner thoughts , I did not say outloud , I spoke them silently

” Please Chris you have to turn a corner soon , I just don’t know how much longer I can hold up, please Chris

Nurse Nicole , it was her first week in that particular ICU came in to say they would be bathing him and I could stay and help if I wished. I told her

No! he would hate me to be there for that and I would go and get something to drink and come back.

After a while I went back into the ICU , I asked whether they had been continuing the eye drops as his eyes were partially open and I had been told it could cause issues if they weren’t moisturized regulary after he came off the vent.

She went away to get an OK and came back, I said did she notice the urine bag had blood in it. No! that wasn’t like that before, I will check let me put the drops in. It was 3 am and she looked at me and said

“his pupils are fixed and dilated “

Fixed and moderately dilated pupils are seen in brain death because of the loss of both sympathetic and parasympathetic influences.

She then left to call for the head of the unit. All hell broke loose as a male Doctor , whomever he was , and the nurses as they came to our room, the man in the next room decided to have an episode and apparently passed. I waited and then the nurse said the Doctor had ordered a scan. I called Angela and told her what the nurse had said and waited.

It was 5 am by this time , Angela appeared at the desk with the Doctor, who had glanced into the room at that stats at least twice during the night . She and Angela chatted as if I didn’t exist .

Angela asked what was the prognosis?

OH ! this is the first night he had held his own

– Angela

Cool Beans! we now have to feed my boy

Dr. We have to do something about a bowel movement first

As I stood there like some peripheral groupie I mentioned the scan and that

“the ICU nurse was very concerned as his pupils were fixed and dilated and had called the Neurologist for a scan”

The Elephant Run-by Chris Ritchey

Two faces and pairs of eyes ” in the know medical (Drs.?) turned and looked at me like I was some sort of “ignorant irritant”

That young woman. presumably a Doctor, – I don’t remember her name just her face- I had seen it through the early morning hours looking at the monitors through the glass – never once coming into the room – said:
”

Oh I am not worried he is on a boat load of medication

Giggles from the “Dr. to be Ritchey ( Angela)

Oh! he is on enough medication to fill up an elephant heehehehehee!

I had such a bad feeling but I had to sleep, I left them chatting and went back to the room . I went to the chaise lounge by the window where I could see his room across the way. I fell instantly into a desperate sleep only to be woken by Nikki-

Mum you have to go back

– I said

Nikki I can’t- I can’t even stand

and she said

Mum, you have to something is wrong- I will come down as soon as Jim gets here to take Gavin

I rushed through the hallways- to this day I have no idea what clothes I had on…. I found my son’s room empty of the usual “clan”– no one was with him I went in- a new nurse said

You are wanted in the conference room for a family meeting

-I said

my husband is there I am not leaving my son alone I promised him-

Nurse

YOU HAVE TO GO!

I looked at this officious nurse and said

“I DON’T “HAVE” TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING I AM NOT LEAVING MY SON ALONE!

It was then Nikki arrived – still in the Neapolitan pajamas purchased from the hospital gift shop- like some bizarre clown outfit. I remember thinking Chris would find it funny.

She said:

Mum you go I will stay with Chris I promise

The meeting that day was about taking Chris off the vent they the hospital and they needed me there as they

“didn’t want any trouble”

They needed my permission as well as his wifes- I had the night before made sure that the staff were now aware that Nikki and I were also on his paperwork.

The Doctor, who chatted about bowel movement and holding his own just 2 hours previously was now saying his brainstem ( after looking at the scans) had collapsed and he was effectively brain dead.

Brainstem death is a clinical syndrome defined by the absence of reflexes with pathways through the brainstem – the “stalk” of the brain, which connects the spinal cord to the mid-brain, cerebellum and cerebral hemispheres – in a deeply comatose, ventilator-dependent patient. Identification of this state carries a very grave prognosis for survival; cessation of heartbeat often occurs within a few days, although it may continue for weeks if intensive support is maintained.

The Dr. explained what would happen and our options and what each option would mean when they did this-one option being surgery to release the pressure on the brain. What ever they did they were going to have to wait until one of the medications which paralyzed him wore off so it would be a little while.

NOTE: I cannot write anymore as the dying time took all day and horrors of heartbreak and ignorance continued to pummel me and my family. There was no kindness in this dying … I will have to continue on the next 3rd

to be continued……..

June 3, 2022 at 11:17 am 3 comments

April 3rd-No Limits – Chapter 27- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/

The fog of remaining…….

I sit at this keyboard on a chilly spring day , trying to be brave enough to continue with this story. I am not brave I am jelly, everything about me is trying to run from these chapters , not to relive the most excruciating pain that, for most, is not to be imagined.

Chris Ritchey—- FOG

The extreme emotions that flood through body and brain whilst waiting for my son to pass from this existence were somehow blanketed and softened ,at the time, with a fog of surreality all the while begging for any sign of hope.

I know now, after these years of “living with the loss”, that feeling – disoriented, confused, in a fog are responses that are the brain’s attempts to dissociate itself from emotional pain.

The brain is built to perceive an existential threat as a threat to our very existence. This triggers what most people know as the “fight or flight” response. Stress hormones course throughout the body. “Your heart starts racing, your blood pressure increases, your respiratory rate increases, you become sweaty, as the body marshals defenses for you to protect yourself, one way or another,” https://www.heart.org/en/news/2021/03/10/how-grief-rewires-the-brain-and-can-affect-health-and-what-to-do-about-it?msclkid=779cd4c4b1d211ec9c8f2a31ff281e84

I haven’t the words to explain those last days , hours blended into a few minutes of conscious thought and movement whilst trying to disappear into another world of existing elsewhere……. anywhere…. besides that waiting room and those people.

Robotic responses , a feeling of being crushed, enveloped in some sort of claustrophobic existence, all the time wanting to scream, run , and trying with all my heart for a solution a way to save my son.

People moved in and out of my world that week, broken by surfacing to what was my horrific reality . The only time I had any peace was alone in the the ICU room 6 listening to the breathing of the machine, holding his hand , singing softly when I could the lullabies from when he was a baby . The nurses told me he could probably hear me and I would look at his heart rate and when it slowed from its “rushing pace” I knew he knew my presence.

The times Nikki was able to come , his heart rate slowed and he relaxed….. Nurse Heather….. who always held out hope for me, from rolling a neck pillow for under his neck, because

“after being so long in one position when the patient woke and was off the ventilator it would help with the stiffness”.

That small act and her caring of my son as a person not a lab rat gave a glimmer of peace. Heather would add eye drops to lubricate his eyes . When Nikki would enter the room and talk to Chris and his body relaxed she said,

Oh! I wish she could stay all day, it is the only time he doesn’t fight the ventilator .

For the next couple of days we drifted in and out of hope. It was about 1 in the morning, I would sit next to Chris all night, you see I had this phobia of sorts, that if I could let him know I was there and get him past “three in the morning” he would survive another day .

I know how that sounds but I had a morbid dread of that hour I sat quietly holding his hand, watching his stats on the monitor, listening to every breath. He seemed to be sleeping, but then he squeezed my hand so tightly I was shocked, he hadn’t reacted to my holding his hand that way , I wasn’t sure what he needed.

hands – artwork Chris Ritchey

Thinking he was in pain I rang for the nurse, two came in , one male nurse I hadn’t seen before and another who I had only seen once before. , the male checked the ventilator and the other spoke to Chris. asking him if he was in pain

It was the last time I saw my son respond , with a slight shake of his head. A few moments later as I looked at the monitor his heart rate dropped from the 134 to 89,

I said:

his heart rate has dropped

They ignored me, went on checking fluids , Iv’s etc. Then went up again and then it fell again I said:

his heart rate has dropped again

the male nurse said

” that is what we want it to do”

but then it went back up again. I could tell I was being “dismissed”

Chris, seemed to settle back into a rhythm and around 8 am I went back to the room to try and sleep , knowing we had come through another night .

NOTE: Talking to physicians afterwards, I was told that slowing of the heart rate was probably due to him having a stroke. Also the fact that he had pin prick holes in his lungs that were turning leather like and the pressure of the vents forcing air was of course a reaction with the lungs.

“The machine uses positive pressure to force air into your lungs. Think of standing in front of a leaf blower.”

We had sort of settled into a rhythm ourselves, the Lombardi Clan and I. I would take the night shift or when no-one else could be there . I suppose they were avoiding me as much as I wanted to avoid them. The Drs. made their rounds in the morning and that was when Angela would be there . I would wait for what she was told or what the nurses would tell me later.

My physical being , as well as my emotional being was suffering . 10 days of barely two to three house of sleep in 24 was taking its toll. Sitting in the chair by the bed , scared to move, had made my legs and ankles swell so badly I would have put bags of ice on my feet to put my shoes on.

The type of hospital masks we were required to wear, as they were concerned about H1N1, rubbed the tender spot under my nose. I wore them for so many hours I ended up with raw spots between my nose and upper lip, as days went on it got worse. The nurses helped with some ointment , but I believe stress wasn’t helping the situation.

When I came down to ICU again, the morning after the heart beat drop, all hell had broken loose. Nurse Heather coming out into the corridor , the Lombardi Clan mingled, agitated gestures and outraged behavior met me . I couldn’t fathom what was going on.

Nurse Heather, walked through them -faced me took my hands in mine looked me straight in the eyes, tears filling hers and said

” I am so sorry”

I thought Chris must have passed without me by his side, but why were the faces of the Lombardi clan so animated with annoyance?

Apparently, before I arrived to the Neurological ICU where Chris had been admitted due to lack of space in the Medical Unit, Sue Lombardi had been making her rounds in the ICU again bothering nurses and going into Chris’s room and discussing his condition and asking questions as to the current situation etc. etc.

Chris’s stats and heart rate would climb when she was in the room and the Nurses on duty informed Angela :

her mother was not helping him and interfering, bothering other nurses and asking questions about other patients in the unit and could she not enter ICU alone anymore.

That had set off the “Clan” and Angela ( Dr. in resident) insisted Chris be moved from the Neurological Unit to the other floor and the Medical Unit. I had no say , to be honest I was still trying to fathom what was going on.

Days previously, a resident came to talk to me from the Medical Unit- they had room for Chris , Angela had declined and apparently something had upset the resident. Later that night a Doctor from the unit came in , asked me if I was Chris mother. Yes. They wanted “MY” permission to bring Chris into the unit .

I said:

if his wife said no and well she is a resident and knows more than I – I would have to go along with her decision.

I am not sure what that was all about but it seemed strange that now all of a sudden the move she had fought initially was happening because her mother was upset with the nurses in the Neurological Unit – nothing was making any sense.

I went into his room a nurse was there sticking pins in his foot and hand. She looked at my face and said I am sorry but he has had a stroke , his lung had also collapsed .

I stood there incredulous, the fog overwhelming me again. I was then told Angela and family ( what the hell was I?) had NOW requested Chris be moved to the Medical Unit.

They were getting ready to take him off the vent in order to transport him. I looked at the nurse and said :

isn’t that dangerous wouldn’t that put his body through more stress.

She just looked at me and gave a slight shrug and a smile I can only describe as sympathetic.

The next thing, I was asked to wait in the corridor . I did. Chris was put into an elevator . They had to manually pump the oxygen into his lungs as he went into the elevator his heart rate was registering 169 .

but the Lombardi’s had their way ……..

Angela , Sue and Tim Lombardi

To Be continued…….

April 3, 2022 at 2:39 pm 4 comments

March 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 26- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/

THE WINTER OF WEEPING that never ends…………

NOTE: It is said that time heals and spring and new life replaces the dark dreary days of winter. Those of the sisterhood of grief , especially those who have lost a soul and child of their body and heart, winter never ends. You are still lost in those days , you see glimpses of life and happiness, but you are never again whole. You see when you lose your child you and the person you were – leaves with them – when they draw their last breath.

You don’t even look the same, you may be thinner, put on weight , age more quickly, your eyes smart with too many tears, lines appear around your eyes and mouth , not the lines of age but of pain. You are wary , looking out for those moments that assault you as you go about your daily routine. Oh you smile at the correct moments, you try to join in with life , but no matter the days, months even years the only thing that gets better is you can hide the heart break just a bit better. You have learned who you can reach out , who doesn’t flinch when you want to talk about you child. Those who are patient and those who are understanding because they too are members of the Sisterhood of Grief.

I wrote the following five months after Christopher passed from this world. And all these years later nothing has changed…… Photo Credit – Virginia Mak

The Sisterhood

It was Thanksgiving. I was alone with Chris, everyone was with family . I sat by his bedside , he couldn’t talk a lot due to the oxygen mask , I read, although I had no idea what I was reading . I would, when he closed his eyes, drink in every part of my son, the contours of his face , his hands on the the sheet, his arms strong still listened to every breath he took , movement, sound he made. That day, the sun shone in the window, and the beard he had been growing had become more pronounced.

He grew the facial hair after he lost all of his hair due to the horrendous chemo sessions and stem cell transplants. I think he did so because it was a sign his body was trying to get back to normalcy. The last time he and his Nana were together at Nikki’s she stroked his face and the beginnings of his beard and said :

Chris you are truly my Viking and that is how I will think of you , brave and golden.

I was filling my memory of my son, every feature , nuance and aspect of my son that morning of Thanksgiving. The sunlight caught his face and the golden red of his beard . My Viking.

I didn’t want him to see me lose it so I excused myself and went to the waiting room. Thankfully there was no one there and I wept with the pain of “WHY”?????????????

When I finally pulled myself together and returned to the room he was sleeping . I sat quietly, hardly daring to breathe, I had always been told that sleep is how the body heals. I was clutching at anything I could find to give me hope, willing whatever strength I had to somehow be miraculously given to him by some magical umbilical chord of life.

He woke , pulled down his oxygen mask and asked for a sip of water. Those were the last words he spoke to to me , not his last words, but the last thing he ever asked of me . I held the bottle of water with the hospital straw , he took a small sip and immediately started choking….

All Hell broke loose nurses cand people came rushing into the room and someone grabbed hold of my arm and ushered me out into the still empty waiting room. I didn’t know what was happening, I knew it wasn’t good….. The “code blue ” over the pa system. Drs., interns , nurses came rushing along the corridor and then two technicians with a ventilator .

I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think I was frozen , everything was falling away from me , no-one to hold me up, no where to go , what should I do ?,

WHY?????????? for God’s sake why……… NOOOOOOO this can’t happen…… . I was shaking with cold and tears.

After what seemed an eternity , one of Chris nurses came out to the waiting room with a cup of hot chocolate, she said

“it is OK he has been put on the vent to help him breathe, he has been sedated , the Dr. will be out in a moment drink this “

But you see, I knew from that first day of diagnosis all through

the best cancer to have, just 6 rounds of Chemo, 95 percent cure rate ,

because I had always known that damned cancer was winning. I had fought down my knowing and fears, I had embraced hope, prayers , medicines, trials , anything to fight the obscenity of death that was coming for my son. I had seen the fear on his face as they all came rushing in, the silent tears that fell from his eyes, and I heard his last words he ever spoke……....

I tried to call someone, anyone but I couldn’t make my fingers work or my brain, I don’t remember breathing , I stood there thinking this must be what shock is.

Finally the Dr. came in , I will call her Dr. RA, hers is the only name I remember from that day. The first thing she said was

“Would you like a priest ?”

No! I don’t want a damned priest , what good is he, to give me comfort! blessings !NO I want someone to stop my son dying….. not religious platitudes that don’t mean a thing.

I didn’t say that out loud , all I could manage was

No, is Chris critical.

She looked at me and said:

Oh! he has been critical since he came in , has no-one mentioned that to you , he is dying.

Then she left. The nurse came back to check on me and helped me call Angela, my husband and my son in law.

Angela was the first to arrive, with her sister,

Is he dead?

I shook my head and she went into the ICU , Her sister chatted on about how she broke the speed limit to get there. And then the clan of Lombardi arrived with cold mashed potatoes, congealed gravy, turkey and pumpkin pie, chatting about leftovers would be good in the microwave if this was going to be a long night …….. and I thought.. who are these awful people chatting and laughing whilst my son is dying about leftovers and time.

Time no longer existed in my world it had stopped…………

THIS be HELL …. I must have died……………………………. could have been the only explanation

To be continued………………..

March 3, 2022 at 1:06 pm 3 comments

February 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 25-Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/

The Circus from Hell

The next morning ,after the fiasco of the Lombardi’s clever ideas as to how to get a young man who couldn’t breathe or walk more than two feet without aid and my outrage as to what they were planning, Angela came in from her shift at the hospital.

Angela ritchey DO photo Chris Ritchey

I found out later she wasn’t scheduled for that shift but asked to change. I never did find out why . Chris , was not doing well and it was decided to tell Chris he was going to have to go back into the Clinic. He didn’t take it well a plastic water bottle flew across the room and hit the wall. I was pleased , believe it or not, it showed he still had strength and fight left in him.

Then it began, the rescue squad having to get him down the apartment stairs , Angela riding in the ambulance, me following the ambulance as I had no clue where I was going. Nine hours in the ER as there was no room in the Medical ICU. Phone calls back and forth. Angela telling the attending physician he had been diagnosed with H1NI. I was perplexed this was the first I heard of it . I kept thinking

that isn’t right why is she saying that , was I being kept in the dark again? I believed that damned flu shot was causing issues. If he had HINI why were they trying to send him back to Houston, none of this was making sense..

well not then anyway.

Clowns – artwork Chris Ritchey

Chris was finally sent to the Neurological ICU as there was no room in the Medical ICU.

And we waited , Sue and Tim arrived and my husband and the days turned into one long nightmare. Chris was admitted on the Saturday before Thanksgiving . I would fall asleep in the chair . I promised Chris he would never be alone and at first it worked reasonably well I would trade off with Angela during the day but the nurses let me stay in the room in a chair at night.

Then since they couldn’t figure out what was going on it was decided he must have H1N1. This meant we were fully masked and gowned when we went into his room. I watched my son’s every movement, every heart beat , every drop or rise in oxygen levels.

I sat there hour after hour trying to find away to give him strength , doing the deals with whomever ran the universe, all the time remembering my premonitions and fighting them back down into my sub conscience.

Finally exhaustion got the better of me, I could no longer see straight or sit in that waiting room . Nikki arranged to get me a room at the Intercontinental Hotel attached to the Clinic so I could walk back and forth. I had some clothes with me from the Friday but they were in the trunk of my car and I hadn’t a clue where it was. My mum had packed a small carrier bag with change of underwear and blouse and sweater sending it up with my husband.

I needed a few things so I bought a pair of pajamas in the Clinic Gift shop. The only ones in my size were bright lime green, terribly unflattering but then again no-one would be seeing me in in them, a toothbrush, deodorant etc. I made my way to the lobby of the hotel through the hospital feeling terribly afraid and alone. There was some funny looks when my only luggage was an Aldi’s carrier bag. Still the credit card was good.

I went to the room, had a shower put on my lime green pj’s and called room service. Well of course I had no robe and hadn’t thought , the waiter brought in the food on a trolley , whatever he thought of the vision in green he saw before him he didn’t show a change in face as this little fat woman in lime green pj’s ( that were a little tight) and red hair signed the chit.

I ate my first decent meal in days and fell into the bed and passed out. I slept till the evening and was going back through the corridors to the hospital when I saw two nurses helping a woman walk . I realized from the conversation as I went passed she was Carla Nash , the lady who had been attacked by a chimpanzee and was at the clinic after having a face transplant. I thought they seem to be able to work miracles , will there be one for my son and a little hope crept back into my being. I saw the trio on more than one occasion and my heart went out to her.

There were other stories during those hours and days as we waited and hoped.

An elderly man, some thing of a musician from what I gathered from a conversation in the waiting room of hell , was dying in the next room. His wife sat by his bed all day. Later that evening Chris’s nurse asked if it would bother us if his daughter, who was in one of the symphony orchestras. could play for her father.

As I sat there masked and gowned and closed off in our glassed in room, the faint sound of a violin drifted through the air . It was so surreal , this beautiful piece of music like some heavenly message easing her fathers passing and reminding me how much love and pain was happening on the other side of the wall , but beautiful at the same time . The music stopped and so apparently had the life of one more human being and their story.

There were of course other stories

The mum who had been brought in with a brain aneurism , her family gathered in the the small ICU waiting room, the tears, the worry , the hope. I don’t know what happened to her . Others whose lives crashed into ours in that room and then left some in tears and some transferred out of ICU with smiles. .

After three days of no sleep and actually pretty much on my own as far as my family I was ready to drop .

Once the diagnosis of H1N1 was decided upon Nikki and the new baby couldn’t be put at risk, my mum 90 , couldn’t take a chance with her and my husband could only come for an hour or so. He hated hospitals, Chris knew that and we knew if he was there holding vigil with me Chris would KNOW how much danger he was in , so it had to be…

” Oh Dad is coming in for a visit”

There I was alone in that waiting room from hell. The Lombardis, as Sue stated “will circle around Angela” , I definitely was excluded from that circle. And they did numbers of them all chatting and laughing and living. It was so hard .

Do you pray Loraine? You aren’t Catholic are you , what plans are you making ? Do you like Tacos?

However, when Sue was present it was doubly hard, she used to do and say the most inane things and it took everything I had to keep my mouth shut.

One particular day I got summoned by the nurse in ICU.

Is Chris’s mother in law attached to a medical practice?

No , why would you ask that ?

You will have to talk to your daughter in law , please. We know SHE is a resident and the nurses don’t want to make a big deal, but her mother is making a nuisance of herself, going to talk to the nurses and looking it at the other patients and giving advice.

Also, your daughter in law’s friend has come in and changed the setting the oxygen machine ( she was also a resident) and we have had to reset it, that can’t happen.

That day I had to mention to one of the sisters that

“Sue was being Sue and causing concern in the ICU and could someone please tell her not to continue in that vein” “

THAT did not go down very well. They shot the messenger! Talk went to a minimum but actually that was a blessing in disguise.

Even the Clinic security made the “Mother of my Hell “ prove she wasn’t a homeless person camping out in the waiting room with sleeping bags , pillows and food . Why they didn’t get themselves a room if they were going to continue to “circle Angela” I broached the subject: ,

Sue said Oh no! far too expensive!!!!!!”

Well there is plenty in the account from the fundraiser isn’t there at least 35 thousand, you could use that , after all that is why we had that fundraiser . Oh and by the way can I have the list of donors for Thank Yous. I have Nikkis list and mine but I know there were so many others!

I couldn’t credit her answer and I was perplexed :

Sue Lombardi –
“We don’t want people to know the full amount – we aren’t publicizing that. I have opened a safe deposit box for the cash – Angela has access” How do you know the amounts ?

Obviously Chris told me , why wouldn’t he? He was very grateful to everyone that donated.

I said to Chris after one particularly stressful evening

Oh ! Chris you owe me lunch for this, being in that holding area with them.

( having to put up with them and trying to keep my mouth shut – not an easy thing for me, . We certainly had nothing in common except what I supposed was the love of our children. and Chris knew how hard it was 🙂 )

and a lobster lunch at that.

He smiled and moved his oxygen mask and said :

” keep them out of here and I will buy you dinner too !”

Most days and nights bled into one another . I had no clue as to the time of day of day of the week. I would surface for a bit and memory comes in fragments of those days of crisis. It is only as I write some flash of a forgotten memory of those days in no particular sequence come back. ……. and my gut tightens , a sick feeling comes into my soul, an ache for my child overwhelms me once more .

To be continued……..

February 3, 2022 at 2:29 am 3 comments

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/

Cleveland – The Dying Time

NOTE: Two years ago today I started writing Chris’ story of his life and time on this poor planet . I cannot begin to tell you the toll these last few chapters have taken upon my very being.

I have to write at night when all is quiet and I am alone with my tears and gutting pain, trying to swallow back the emotions that erupt out of the very depths of me. It is painful and torturous but I promised and I will keep that promise to my son.

despair. by Chris Ritchey

Chris spent a few days being tested after returning to Cleveland , getting fluids. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving . I had spoken to Chris on the phone the night before , he wanted to come home for a few days but could he come to our house as he didn’t want to add to Nikki’s work, as she had the baby.

I said that was fine, have Angela drive him here if he was a bit wobbly to drive and I would get a room ready and etc.

On that Friday I was in K Mart getting new bedding and towels, groceries that I knew he would eat etc. for him and anything thing else I could think of to make him comfortable for when he came home. I knew that his dog Misty would help , they so loved each other and Misty missed him terribly.

My mother and I were just getting ready to go through the checkout when Angela called on my cell phone . I became a little confused as she said:

“Chris, said that you were going to come to the apartment and stay the night with him as I have to be on duty”

This was the first I had heard of it , but I didn’t say anything, maybe Chris had not told her he had wanted to come home . I would ask him when I saw him. I went along with her and said

Yes I can come , what time

she said she needed me there by 6.

Ok I will bring him supper and will be there at 6.

I went home made arrangements and took the food up with me. When I arrived, just before 6, Angela had already left . Chris was lying on the couch looking dreadful. He hadn’t eaten so I thought maybe he needed some nourishment . He ate in silence and then said :

Mum, you will have to go down and let this guy in he is coming to bring an oxygen tank

Why? what is going on, what happened I thought you were coming home, I don’t understand.

Well it seems he never told Angela about wanting to come home because he had started having difficulty breathing they went to South Pointe again. They prescribed oxygen to help with the breathing, they though he might have the flu.

Oh that damned flu shot , I didn’t think it was the flu I thought that shot is giving a false reading

but then I thought

it can’t be that bad they would have kept him in.

The man with the oxygen tank arrived, hooked up this cylinder type tank and Chris looked a little better. After he left Chris wanted to watch a movie . I remember his words so clearly , he was trying to put on a movie and the exertion of going across the room took everything he had.

“This is like drowning must be, not being able to breathe is so dibilitating , it is worse than the cancer. Mum what ever don’t let me be pathetic because I am pathetic now”

Oh Chris you aren’t pathetic, you are wonderful I love you and this is the flu.

In my heart of heart I knew this was not the flu. I didn’t know what to say or do I just sat an watched the tv screen, I couldn’t even tell you what the movie was. I just sat in the chair wanting to scream out loud to the gods, to fate, to whomever and desperatly trying not let my son see I was petrified for him.

He would dose off for a few minutes and then wake fitfully. About 11 pm Angela called:

She said that she had been speaking to her father and mother and they decided they needed to get Chris back to Houston.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing

Angela, and her parents were making arrangements to put Chris on a damned train to Texas. They had made arrangements for Chris to leave at three ( four hours from now) she would be home to help get him packed and help to get to the Amtrack station and take a train to Chicago , change trains to Austin and then it was ONLY a three hour drive to Houston!

I was incredulous what were these people thinking ? This young man dragging around an oxygen tank, had to have help getting to the bathroom. He couldn’t even make it downstairs.

For Christ sake those parents might be intellectually challenged, in my opinion, but Angela was a resident soon to be physician, she had to know that would kill him a journey like that !

Was I supposed to go with him him in 4 hours with just an overnight bag. I really couldn’t credit what I was hearing , surely they did not expect Chris to drag around on his own.

I said there was no way that would be possible.

Chris overhearing the conversation was desperate to get back to Houston, he thought they were his only hope and he would fight to get there .

I knew it would be disasterous to even attempt that journey and for ONCE in this whole fisaco of Lombardi-ism I put my foot down and said NO! that was not going to happen.

I told Chris,

“Look there is no way either of us could make that journey and I WILL be going with you , trust me on that . I will start calling around for options in the morning , if I have to charter a plane or hire an ambulance or drive a damned RV to Texas myself I will.”

He said

you can’t drive to Texas

I will do what ever needs to be done I will call Dr. Younes in the morning and see what HE suggests.

He then slept for a little and I sat up with him all that night watching every rise and fall of his chest, every whince, every sound………

That was the first night of two weeks of not sleeping for more than three hours at a time………………………….

January 3, 2022 at 2:12 pm 1 comment

Dec 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 23- Chris Ritchey

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/

OHIO

I was emotionally exhausted after the flight home from Houston although, I was thrilled the news was good but terrified at what I was seeing with my own eyes as to how Chris “looked”. to these mother’s eyes.

The “plan” was Chris and Angela would drive back stopping at various sights along the way and be back for a few days in Ohio and then the return drive to Houston for ongoing treatment.

I drew Angela aside and begged Angela:

‘Please , please leave the truck here and fly back here, the Doctor at MD Anderson didn’t think it wise for Chris to do that journey, can’t you talk with him he will listen to you if YOU say you want to fly back!

Angela’s quiet reply: because Angela never spoke loudly

Chris, will be just fine driving back to Ohio.” We will take it easy

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

It was going to be a lot of driving but I hoped that once Chris was home home Nikki and I could persuade Chris to fly back and we would rent him a vehicle.

He was taking so many drugs, not eating and to counter the effects I found he was taking exlax like candy. It was just 36 hours later after I left Houston I received a call from Angela saying they were stopping for the night in Jackson Mississippi

It was later the next day I received another call, she had had to take Chris to the local ER for fluids, he had collapsed! The Doctors there wanted to admit him but they declined saying they wanted to get back to the Clinic. I said

“Angela you can’t continue driving if he is that ill, book a flight, you have the money from the fundraiser that will will cover that cost , can you drive the truck to the airport and park it? I will have his dad and uncle fly down and drive the truck back, that will put Chris’ mind at rest re the truck .

Angela “What about the keys we can’t leave them , can you pick up the spare set from my mother at the bank?

I said I would .

Arrangements were made . I went that afternoon to the bank where Sue Lombardi worked to pick up the keys. She walked acrosse the lobby with a silly grin on her face

“Tim and I will pick up Chris and Angela and take them back to their apartment “

I was fuming underneath knowing I should have pushed more to stop that drive back. I was barely able to speak more than two or three words incase I said something that couldn’t be taken back.

Her daughter the Doctor, had she no common sense? Side trips to Memphsis indeed when her husband was downing pain pills for which she was getting the prescriptions . She had to see how his driving was terrible and anger flare ups in traffice in Texas. More than once seeing his “road rage” I would remind him

Chris, these guys have guns on their trucks and you calling them “dick head” and driving like you are , you are going to get me shot…

I dropped off my husband and brother in law at the airport , drove home and waited .

Finally Chris called me from the Lombardi’s car and said they had been picked up and would call me the next day.

He did call me the next day but not from the apartment , he was back in hospital at South Pointe, where Angela was a resident and getting those prescriptions filled that I was worried about.

It was an I am OK mum and getting fluids sort of call. I told him his truck was nearly back in Ohio , his dad and uncle had driven straight through and they would leave his truck at it at Nikkis,as it was safer there will all the items they had had to leave.

I was surprised a half an hour later when Chris called back, the inlaws and Angela had left and he said he was alone and wanted to talk to me .

“Mum, I am appreciative of everything you did in Texas

I said:

I know that Chris you don’t have to thank me

He continued :

But I was so mean to you

referring to the altercation we had when Angela had lied to him and he thought Nikki and I were excluding her .

SEE Chapter 17 of No Limits

I responded :

Chris I am your mother , you are allowed to be mean to me , I understand what you are going through , the lack of control over your own life , the anger – it is OK I love you !

He said :

You were right I should have stayed in Houston, I shouldn’t have come back to the apartment….. there are so many bad memories – I should’ve stayed in Houston and I love you mum I should’ve listened

I said

Chris, it is no good dwelling in hindsight….. we will get through this I will see you Friday . I love you

As always he said
”

I love you too”

I hung up and burst into tears…..

I can still hear his voice in my head , I can bring those words to the fore of my memory as if he were speaking them to me in the present time and day.

That is probably because it was the last time I ever heard him say those words out loud…… a mother clings to every bit of her child and his life and voice that she can.

Note as I sit and type this day of December 3rd 2021- it is the anniversary of his passing and so I am defeated I have to leave the keyboard and the desk and release the pain and heartache.. I can write no more today the emotional incontinence that overwhelms on this day cripples and crushes my very core. … until the next chapter……. and Chris I still love you with all my being……

December 3, 2021 at 2:14 pm 5 comments

Nov 3rd-No LIMITS-Chapter 22-Chris Ritchey

Author’s Note.. It wasn’t planned this way but as I reach the 1st ending of this documentation of my son before he passed . the times of publication these chapters are coinciding with times of his ending. I have said before this is absolutely crushing and painful to write as I have to relive those moments and memories. but to get to the “after” I have to document the “before” . As I get closer to ” loss of all hope memories ” I have to step away for hours and sometimes days as it is gutting to go through again and a drain on my physical and mental being..

NO LIMITS

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/

Houston Nights and days – a blur

The days after the fundraiser back in Ohio were tinged with gratitude to those who were so generous and writing thank you’s to those I knew had donated. Chris and I duly went about the routine of tests , bloodwork and infusion. One such visit brought out the Physicans Assistant , she was concerned that Chris was scheduled for the HINI flu shot. I hadn’t realized that Angela had set that up via Cleveland. Chris had never had a flu shot of any kind and I was unsure of his reaction to it. Apparently the PA was concerned as well, but Chris said :

“My wife has arranged it so I will take it”

I sat without saying a word in a fake leather vomit coloured chair holding my breath. I was being pummeled with thoughts

” don’t let him get this shot , it is not a good thing , something will happen”

all the while arguing with myself .

“If you say something and he doesn’t get the shot and he gets HINI with his system so compromised then you , who are not medically qualified in anyway, you could cause him worse issues”

So I said nothing , how I wish I had had the guts to tell him no! Hindsight is 20/20

Chris was always so tired after the infusion which he also had that day . We came home he ate a little, went to the bedroom , called Angela and then filled the hot water bottles , took pills and slept.

I heard him during the night running the hot baths that almost scalded his skin to ease the pain he was in. I lay awake wishing there was more I could do.

He finally slept and in the morning I went into the bathroom to collect the wet towels to wash and on the floor were soaking wet T’ shirts. I flashed back to when he was first diagnosed with Hodgkin’s and the “night sweats” that soaked his T shirts, pillows and bedding . Something was wrong , so very wrong and it was so sudden.

I wanted Chris to call the Dr. but he wouldn’t as he was scared they would take him off the trial . I wondered could it be a reaction to the H1N1 shot, it came on so quickly . The next couple of days saw him getting worse. The lethargy the pain, not wanting to eat and running a temperature.

Angela (Lomabrdi) ritchey ( Murphy) ( red) by Chris Ritchey

I had already booked Angela a flight for Nov 3rd as Chris was meeting with the “team” to see how the SGN 35 was working for him on November 5th.

I was so worried and out of my depth , I called Angela and said Chris is not looking at all well and I am very worried , barely eating and he won’t go to the Doctor or call. Angela rebooked her flight and came down the day before Hallowe’en.

Chris was naturally pleased to see her. She never mentioned to me if she thought he looked worse but in those few days I noticed it so she had to have noticed not seeing him for a couple of weeks . His eyes seemed sore and red rimmed , his skin a strange pallor tinged with grey. .

Hallowe’en, we were invited to JD’s and Karen’s for supper and to hand out candy. Chris laughed and joined in the conversation, Angela would jump up and hand out the candy and whilst everyone’s focus was on the kids and costumes I would watch as Chris quietly would reach into his top shirt pocket and pop another pill. I knew my son’s strength but I also knew he was dealing with a lot of pain . Angela had brought down some more medication from Cleveland and I worried about the amount and “what” Chris was taking but once again I said nothing.

Chris barely ate in the next few days. He took Angela and I to the British shop ( he had his truck in Houston now). She and I went in to buy Christening gifts for Gavin , Nikki’s new little baby . Chris couldn’t get out of the truck, said he just didn’t want to shop , although previously when he had taken me he loved going in there . Again, I worried.

On November 4th, the night before meeting with the team of SGN 35 we went back to the “Black Labrador Pub” to meet JD and Karen . Chris had wanted to thank them for all their hospitality and friendship whilst we had been in Texas. He loved the Ranch and lost himself in normalcy on those excursions to that ranch.

He told me that when he was well he was going to buy some land and get Gavin a horse ...

Chris nibbled at a salad , not at all like him and JD chastised me because Chris and Angela were going to drive back to Cleveland stopping on the way, if the news was good. How my son who was having a hard time driving 30 minutes to the Black Labrador Pub , how the hell was he going to drive 1,300 miles to Cleveland. JD, said

He will be fine “let go of the apron strings mom” …

November 5th :

We waited in a little office, Chris once again behind his sunglasses , Angela went to the restroom I sat once again near the door scared to breather. The Physician’s Assistant came in , and if there is one thing I know it is body language and she was happy. The Doctors came in and gave the good news … the SGN 35 was working all was good.

I breathed for the first time in days. And then the tag line ” the only thing was there was a slight “crackling” of the bottom half of the lungs that they were concerned about . Angela spoke up Oh she would have the Dr. at the Clinic check it out, he had had the flu shot . That seemed to satisfy them and they gave Chris a strength test and Ok’d him for another infusion before he left for Cleveland.

The first thing Chris did was to phone JD, whilst I called Nikki , who was sick with worry and told her the results were good. But she said

can’t he leave the truck there with JD and Karen and fly home

No Angela wanted to go to Nashville and make a vacation of it going home. They had to be back in 10 days . I flew home that afternoon .

To be continued…………….

November 3, 2021 at 6:17 pm 1 comment

June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights- continued

I can’t begin to put into words how stressful it was for both of us , those days and nights. Chris and myself “pretending everything was normal “ skirting around issues we both knew were uppermost on our minds. Wanting to talk but not wanting to say out loud our fears, maybe that way we could hope a little longer.

Not everything was rosy , mother and son facing a terrible unknown locked together in a small apartment. .Chris tired and in pain. I knew it wasn’t me he wanted with him. I found a note that Angela had left behind in a desk drawer, Chris was hurt and disappointed she was leaving Texas and it was me that would be with him.

I knew my presence in Texas only confirmed that he was dying of Cancer, I was a constant reminder that he needed a care giver ( although you felt he could manage on his own to deal with side effects of a trial drug and Cancer) he would’ve preferred that it would have been his wife, not his mother to be with him.

photo Angela by Chris Ritchey

As a wife, I couldn’t have left my husband knowing that he was living under a death sentence and had been since August 29th -but that was Angela’s choice.

I could never understand Angela’s way of thinking, but tried to make allowances , she too was dealing with a terrible situation in her young married life. I couldn’t believe that even during this awful, hopeful , chaotic time she would still try to manipulate a situation and lie as she had done with Nikki and Chris and the engagement ring episode.

Chapter Three :

March 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 2 – Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

October 8th: One month in and the façade came crashing down, we were due to come back to Cleveland for a few days . I made arrangements to still keep the apartment as they were so difficult to find. To me, it was worth paying for it to be empty rather than going through the hassle of moving and or finding something else.

This one particular day we did have that heart to heart that horrible “truth revealing ” argument that shouldn’t have happened!

In the hours before that argument came to a head Chris and I had gone to get his prescriptions- he was tired and in a lot of pain- I said maybe I could pop into Borders ( which was across the way)

I would like to buy the new Dan Brown novel-

I could see he was impatient to get back so I didn’t push it. His mood was dour and his eyes narrowed and lips ( always a sign of anger) were tight. He had been on his cell phone to his wife, Angela, as we waited for his prescriptions. He drove back to the apartment in utter silence . He immediately went out by the pool in the apartment – I could see him sitting not moving. I decided he needed space -then Nikki called and said that Chris had hung up on her and was very angry.

“but leave him alone mum” he doesn’t want to talk.

I knew my son. I knew whatever it was would fester until he exploded – he was so much like me.

I went to the pool- he said

“I don’t want to talk”

“You don’t have to -you can listen- I need to talk to you”

I was never a crier before Hodgkin’s I was a fighter, a do-er – this blubbering fool that I have become is down to the helplessness and hopelessness that took away happiness. Chris never knew me as a “crier” before his illness – so as the tears fell he sat silently as I told him

Chris, being a mother of a son is so much harder than you can imagine – I have tried so hard to give you and Angela the space you both need in this terrible time. I KNOW Chris, that you are feeling that you have no control over what is happening to your body and your life- I know you need some control , another reason why I have tried so hard to stand aside- you didn’t need me in the mix as well -But I am going to honestly tell you now -if this had been Nikki and not you I would have handled things so much differently – just as Nikki is my child I would not have sat back and taken a back seat to decisions as I have with you and Angela.

You see when a son marries he brings into his life another woman- it is very difficult in the best of circumstances for a mother to sit back and watch decisions being made that in some cases I did not agree with in a normal situation- this terrible situation we find ourselves all thrust into makes it doubly hard. But I have deferred to you both and to her “medical expertise” with this obscenity of Hodgkin’s that has engulfed us. It has been one of the hardest things in the world for me not to interfere or to put in my two cents. There have been times Chris when I have doubted my own abilities and lost confidence in myself – I have gone against my own gut feelings and yet there is a voice that tells me to still be protective of you .

I have tried to give you both your space – to be there when needed and to shut up for your sake when I was totally against some decisions. I have tried for your sake because I love you so much I would do anything and sacrifice anything for your health and happiness.

I don’t know the reason why you are so angry with Nikki and I but you have to know neither of us would intentionally do anything to hurt you . We have tried to put you first in all our thinking – We love you always have and always will. “

With that I left the poolside and went back into the apartment. Chris followed a few minutes later and then it all came out ( as I knew it would) an argument and accusations the finding out of lies that were told

“we had excluded Angela in decision-making as to driving the truck back to Texas.”

He wanted to drive his truck back . I told Angela in an email ( which I have ) that it wasn’t a good idea him driving, he was having difficulty due to the side effects of SGN35 and I thought she should know since obviously you had been in Ohio since Sept 10th and hadn’t see the problems he was having even driving to Target let alone 1,700 miles.

I never received any response from Angela to my emails ( which I still have)

Chris was furious with me and Nikki

“You didn’t include Angela”

Me:

“What are you talking about – I included Angela”

CHRIS No you didn’t !

Me.

Would you like to see the emails?

CHRIS: “

Yes! I would”

Me.

So you are calling me a liar ?

CHRIS:

” Don’t give me that F…. shit if I want to see the email then I must be calling you a liar. There aren’t any emails Angela doesn’t lie!

I then pulled up the emails…. all of them sent to Angela –

ME:

Look at the dates and times Chris … now tell me I’M the one that lied…… she says here she wants to talk to you about it did she?

CHRIS:

Well she has been busy

ME:

she talks to you 4 or 5 times a day she couldn’t mention it but she could let you believe that Nikki and I didn’t include her?

He broke down cried….. my wonderful strong brave son reduced to tears not by cancer that night but by lies and manipulation

She, the loving wife and bride did that to him by trying to lie by omission … not me ….I held him and he said:

“did you ever think that I want to see something of the country if I am going to be dead in two years.”

My heart broke for him – I cried and we held on tight to each other and I said

Chris none of us know when we will die, the way you are driving lately we could end up dead on the way to hospital tomorrow ….

he laughed a little and I said:

Chris, I know the SGN35 is working, the lump on your neck isn’t visible and you haven’t coughed since Sept 21st.

That night he went and checked the lumps on his neck for the first time in weeks. Chris called Nikki back, she and Jim had talked and Jim would take time off work and drive back to Houston with Chris in his truck . He told Nikki he wasn’t really angry with her, just at the hopelessness and helplessness he was feeling. Once again Chris and sister reached out beyond the miles to each other.

After talking to Nikki he said he wanted to take a drive, we still had the hire car. He left- I wasn’t sure where and I was worried- he was in so much pain and on so many pills –

A little while later he came back ….. he walked in patted me on the head as a I sat in the chair and handed me a book as he walked to the bedroom – The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown…………

June 3, 2021 at 1:06 pm 6 comments

May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston Days and Nights- continued

I haven’t the words to eloquently or adequately explain the emotions that crash in and out of your being as you watch your child battle to stay alive. This enemy, came to conquer , not with guns , bombs or knives it was insidious in its will to win turning the very body of its victim against itself. Cells that were made large so the pumps of the body (lymph nodes) plug and distort. It circulated through the life giving blood stream through the lungs causing coughing that wracked the very body trying to deal with the attacks. Cancer in all its forms is and obscenity .

I tried so hard to keep cheerful, what 29 year old wants to be with his mother. I know he wanted Angela there knowing the trial was his last hope for a cure or at least remission. I know he wanted to spend what time he had left with her . I know I was the best of a bad deal . I argued with myself, stop watching his every move, deliberately giving him space, taking myself out to the pool side to read, even though I was petrified of the little gecko things running about the pergolas and tables, I didn’t scream when they ran across my foot or thought I was a roadway across a chair.

Chris, would spend time going to the rifle range or to Cabelas. We tried to see some of the area when we could and when he felt up to it. JD and Karen, had been out of town for a bit. Chris, after one of the infusions of SGN 35 could barely speak the the next day but when JD called he put strength into his voice so JD would not realize how poorly he was feeling.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to go out into the lawn area and have a silent cry by myself. Only I wasn’t by myself one of the other residents I had noticed sitting by the pool, looking as I must look, was there. She looked up and me as I was not winning the battle of holding in the tears and noticed she too was crying. She reached up to hold my hand and I sat down and there we sat for a long time. Two humans knowing nothing about each other, never speaking sharing the impact of cancer. I learned she too, was caring for her grown daughter as the husband had to stay in Indiana for his job and children. Her daughter was also on a trial at MD Anderson and a last hope.

Hands – Touching- Hands – art work Christopher Ritchey

On the good days we toured Houston. He had wanted to go horse back riding. I hadn’t been on a horse in 20 years ( I was then a lot thinner and in better shape) and Chris hadn’t ridden since he was a little one. I made arrangements for the following day. Of course, that night poured with rain and a warm front came dripping over Houston. I wrote on my blog at the time :

NOOOOOO!!! this isn’t a picture of the horse after I rode it. Whew! 90 degrees yesterday after a rain that could’ve floated a boat. My foray into the wild west “avec” plastic helmet. I realize that horse rentals have to protect their clients but you tend to lose heat through your head … just ask a politician 🙂 and when it is covered with plastic and foam OMG!!!! Anyway 2 hours later after riding through swamp and shrub and bush I now remember why cowboys are bowlegged.

Chris, had become very interested in life in Texas , so different from Lorain , Ohio. One of our days ( again in that heat) was spent at George Ranch Historical Park. It was fascinating seeing the 1830’s cabin and farm the humble beginnings to the 1930’s house “George Cattle Complex” . Of course then there was that oil that helped

“The discovery of oil on the Ranch in the 1920s changed the fortunes of the family and the community forever. The George’s son and only child died while just a toddler and their beloved cousin and presumed heir Mary died tragically when she was a young woman. With no living heirs and a considerable estate, the Georges established The George Foundation to ensure that their wealth would continue to benefit communities across the county into the foreseeable future. This charitable Foundation still exists and gives back today and helps bring you the story of the remarkable family who loved, grieved, rejoiced and lived on this enduring stretch of Texas prairie.”

It was a good day and Chris was enthusiastic. I was once again feeling like I would die from the humidity and heat at any moment but we laughed and enjoyed a day without the mention of Doctors or cancer . I would have put up with heat, humidity and wading across the little river filled with alligators just to see him smile and laugh .

Mothers and Fathers who are losing their child will do the deal with God, the stars , fate whatever they believe, ”

“take me instead let my son/ daughter have life and laughter and old age…………”

To be continued………

May 3, 2021 at 1:53 pm 3 comments

April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey

untitled

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/

Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-

Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/

Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)

Houston: Days and Nights continued:

Being able to sleep at night did not last long. Although, I was more relaxed because I could try and take care of Chris, see to his needs, cook for him I spent my days watching every nuance of his being, and nights listening to his cough and worrying.

After the first weekend we settled into a routine of trips to the hospital , taking the infusions and blood test. One of the protocols of the trial of SGN 35 involved writing down and filling in a daily chart as to his physical and mental responses each day, reactions to the medications etc.

A Pivotal Open-Label Trial of Brentuximab Vedotin for Hodgkin Lymphoma – Full Text View – ClinicalTrials.gov

Chris, understood, along with tests this questionnaire and his answers would be part of the decision making as to whether he would be able to continue with the drug/infusion SGN 35. And that is a problem, when you are told you last chance for a “cure” ( there is that word used by Dr. Brad Pohlman a couple of weeks prior basically giving Chris the death sentence) you will do anything to stay on the trial. Chris would duly fill out the questionnaire every day and turn it in on his appointment days. The problem is I know his pain level was NOT a three, that he was not having any significant side effects.

After the first week I went to the evaluation with Dr. Younes’ PA, she was extremely nice but was concerned as Chris had lost 4 lbs. since she had seen he and Angela that 1st week. I wanted to tell her that he probably had had nothing to eat but a plate of spaghetti for days but kept my mouth shut. I assured her I would be cooking his meals at least three times a day . When we met with Doctor Younes Chris asked him for a prescription for Oxycodone for pain. I watched the Doctors face

“You shouldn’t be feeling pain on that level, why are you on Oxycodone it isn’t in your notes….”

I immediately realized Chris had committed a grave sin in asking. I knew Angela had a prescription filled for him from the Clinic. I hurriedly stated.

Oh! he was given a few after the lumpectomy when they did the biopsy on his neck a few days ago and he was in a lot of pain after that surgery and that is why as the prescription was only for a few of them.

That seemed to satisfy the doctor. When Angela called that evening I explained what happened and that the Dr. had prescribed Darvon . I mentioned the Doctor was not happy with Chris being on the Oxycodone . She just giggled and said

don’t worry I will get Chris a prescription….. Darvon is nothing more than Tylenol and does nothing” .

Darvon

Well I wasn’t going to argue after all she was the 3rd year Resident. Apparently by this time Chris had developed a tolerance to pain killers. He told Angela the Darvon wasn’t doing anything and she said just double the dosage, until I come down next week . Keeping my mouth shut was getting more and more difficult.

Hurricane Ike had left its mark on many areas even a year later. We decided to take a drive to Galveston, I had been there with Nikki for dance competitions a few years previously and it was very interesting. Unfortunately, Ike had done a lot of damage and it was depressing . On the way Chris got a phone call from the Cleveland Clinic. The results of the compatibility test for his sister being a donor for the stem cell transplant were in. They asked if Nikki was his twin because the results were extremely good , very high and they usually don’t get those type of results except with identical twins

Breathing a sigh of relief as we now had another option in our arsenal we stopped for lunch. Our view of the sea front was dismal

The Flagship Hotel remains after Hurricane Ike destroyed most other businesses on the coastline in Galveston, Texas, Sept. 19, 2008. U.S. Sailors assigned to Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron (HSC) 28 embarked aboard the amphibious assault ship USS Nassau (LHA 4) are providing defense support to the city?s civil authorities. (U.S. Navy photo by Chief Mass Communication Specialist Chris Hoffpauir/Released)

There was one seafood restaurant open and we sat in the balcony over looking what was once the USS Flagship Hotel.

I deserved and needed a drink, something I don’t often do . The pier on which the Hotel was located obviously had been pretty hard hit . The waiter told us a lot of the business along the sea wall had not survived. Chris walked down along the beach and called Angela with the results from the Clinic and I sat on the bench and called Nikki. Once again HOPE!!!!!

To be continued

April 3, 2021 at 12:04 pm 1 comment

Older Posts

That Woman’s Weblog

Posts tagged ‘grief’

June 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 29- Chris Ritchey

April 3rd-No Limits – Chapter 27- Chris Ritchey

The fog of remaining…….

March 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 26- Chris Ritchey

February 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 25-Chris Ritchey

January 3rd -No Limits- Chapter 24- Chris Ritchey

Dec 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapt 23- Chris Ritchey

Nov 3rd-No LIMITS-Chapter 22-Chris Ritchey

June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17

May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey

April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey

Recent Comments

Blogroll

OH Her Again

Categories

Archives

Email Subscription

Meta

Pages