NO LIMITS -Bk.2-Chapt. 3 -Beyond the Vale

 

 

 

 

 

Chris Ritchey Source

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/

Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/

Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/

SURREAL!!!!

I can’t begin to  tell you about   the “continuation” of my  life and how I  spent my  days in those weeks after Chris left us. I seem to  live in another place. I  no  longer knew who  I  was anymore, my  understanding of what had happened just wasn’t there.  I didn’t want to  talk to  anyone, be with  anyone, drive anywhere , do  the normal things like grocery  shopping  put on a brave face for anyone. I know I  didn’t answer the phone , go  to  the computer to  read the news, bother about anything that had filled my  life before Cancer  destroyed. I didn’t care. I  would sit in the chair watching  TV  but not really  knowing what I  was watching, I  turned off from  what had been my  norm.

My  daughter, that cold month  of January  stayed home with  her baby , my  mother from her apartment a few blocks away  would  phone  trying so  hard to  help  me and process her own grief. She loved Chris with  all her heart, waited for her “boy” to  be born and adored him, no  matter what mischief or trouble he got into, he could do  no  wrong.

One very  cold January day  , mum appeared at my front  door, she had , at 90 years old,  “walked ” from her apartment to  come and see me.  I  felt very  guilty  that my  mother had to  go  to  those lengths  to  get through  to  me.

“Loraine, I need to  be with  life and so  do  you, I  want you  to  take me to  spend the afternoon with  Nikki  and the baby”

And so  I  called Nikki to  find out if that was alright, I remember there was some relief in her voice as she said yes.  I do  remember the short drive to  my  daughter’s home. I  was terrified  , I hadn’t driven and it was like I  never had, my  hands gripped  the steering wheel so  hard, passing familiar houses and then the hospital , a black  Ford 150  truck  passed me in the other lane , the driver had a baseball cap and sun glasses  and I  nearly  went off the road.

I pulled over , my  mum so  concerned, because in that moment I wasn’t in Lorain Ohio  I  was in Houston Texas and reliving  being with  Chris in his truck and the drive to the medical center for more treatments , that didn’t work.  I was  choking (because  you  can choke on grief, I  have discovered that fact).

I realized later ,   I was “removing myself from any  normal behaviors  of “before”! Just opening the refrigerator could send me back to  the  refrigerator in the  Houston  apartment where Chris and I  spent weeks  whilst he continued treatment.

Silly  simple  things  would trigger memories and events , the smell of creamed corn/ or any sort of corn  ( would have me in the toilet  vomiting) . Creamed corn was the smell of the preservatives  in the stem cells  as they  were pumped into  Chris  ( Double  Stem Cell Transplant)

I no  longer had control of my  brain  and thoughts. The symptoms were very  much  on par with  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I  realize that now , although  at the time I  thought I was just going mad….

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
• Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
• Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

We finally  arrived at my  daughter’s home, deep  breath and  the best smile I  could manage. Nikki  had a lovely  fire in the family  room . My  mum sat in the Amish  rocking chair one  side and my  daughter  in the  recliner on the other side of the hearth.  Baby  Gavin was on his  blanket surrounded by  toys . I too , was on the floor  watching the antics as Gavin tried to  pull himself, reach for the nearest  bright colored object that caught his attention.

Off to  the side was  an interactive toy

One part of the toy  was a  light switch ( see green switch  below the scarecrow face left hand side)   and if you flicked  on the switch with baby  hands,  the face would light up  and the song would start.

” Flick the switch  and light the light, flick the switch  and make it bright. “

The toy  was a good  few feet away  from our little group.

As we sat there, remembering  and trying not to,  of other times in that room when Chris was with  us, the conversation got around to  Angela ( Lombardi) .  My  mother  just couldn’t come to  grips with  how terribly badly  and wronged Angela  and her family  had used us.

The fire continued to  crack and pop  the baby  cooing  and a sort of hiccupping giggle.  My  mum said  staring at the flames said to  no-one in particular…..

“I wonder what Chris would have thought or done about  what has happened? 

No -one  said anything. And then the toy in the corner  all of a sudden made a static  sound, like an old fashioned radio, it continued for a couple of seconds and then the song but only  the last part  “make it  RIGHT” not Bright . the static cut off the B !

My  daughter  looked at me ,

“mum did you  do  that???? “

No ! I  am nowhere near it ,

“well how did that happen? “

My  mum also  said

Loraine?? I  heard that too…..

Well don’t look at me I  replied I  didn’t go  near it !

Maybe something set it off  we thought , since  there was static maybe a short or something. I went over  jumped up  and down, how ridiculous I  must have looked  jumping up  and down infront of this child’s toy. Nothing happened !

Try  shaking said Nikii  worried the toy  might have a “short” or issue that could be dangerous to  baby  Gavin.

It was a stand alone  toy  and had to  be designed not to  fall on a baby or little one.  I shook it , kicked it …..nothing.  Then I  tried flicking the switch, no  problem the light came on  and  the tune once again played in its entirety

” Flick the switch  and light the light, flick the switch  and make it bright. “

There was no static….. Mum made a cup  of tea and we sat  no-one dare say  what each  one of us was thinking incase  the others felt  we were losing it and desperate for it to  be more than a toy  issue.

Truth  be known for weeks since Chris died , we each  in our own private times had been looking for signs, wanting desperately  to  have affirmation that he “continued” somewhere and that he was alright. Not sharing that longing with  anyone incase  they  would be upset or thinking  the other was losing all grip  on reality!

Finally  mum said  :

Well I  think  that was Chris  and he would make it right if he were here , he wouldn’t want to  see  what has been done to  us and he would have done something!!!

However, apparently  it was not the first time Nikki  had encountered toys that turned on.  As I  said the baby  had a boat load of toys and another one was   a talking Tonka  truck, you  pulled it or pushed it and as it moved it would say

A is for apple, B is for  ball, C is for Car, D is for dog

Five days after Chris  died and before he was cremated , Nikki  was alone in the house- all was quiet and she was giving the baby his bath, the dogs laying on the landing, when from the family  room came the “voice” of the speaking truck

A is for  and stopping at C is for car.

The truck could not move on its own and there was no-one in the house. It happened a couple of more times  apparently  before she opened up  to  my  mum and me as to  what had happened.

We just sort of sat there looking at the toys  no-one dare to  question what was happening.   And so  began the journey  of Beyond the Vale

To  be continued ….