Posts filed under ‘No Limits’
NO LIMITS – Bk 2 – Chapt 15. Beyond the Vale
Chris Ritchey Source
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/05/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-3-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/06/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-4-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/07/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-5-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Six : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/08/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-6-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/09/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-7-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/10/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-8-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/11/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-9-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Ten : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/12/03/no-limits-book-2-beyond-the-vale-chapt10/
Chapter Eleven : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2024/01/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-11-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Twelve: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2024/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-22-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Thirteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2024/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-13-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Fourteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2024/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-14-beyond-the-vale/
The Mind is a Dangerous Place!
I know those of you reading that have felt the agonizing torment of your being when those that held the greatest love were taken . The questioning WHY? especially when at the beginnings of their own lives. Your brain tries to make sense of something totally new to it – a profound grieving, an emptiness of soul and body. You are alone , no matter the others of your heart that grieve with you, they too, are facing an ordeal ultimately “alone” in a strange foreign place.
You fight within yourself trying to get back to familiar territory, to experience the life you had before , the person you were before – to be normal in your day.
That won’t happen although your conscious brain tries bravely to deal with day to day happenings. You don’t deal – you go on a sort of muscle memory of the mind. It is Tuesday and I have to go here. Wednesday another commitment and so on.
Walking through the days , willing yourself to get through the next minute the next hour. Waiting for the hour you can give in and let the mind deal with the pent up emotions, to protect the heart and lungs and well being of the body , the brain pulls the plug and you give in and release the pent up emotions. You collapse in upon yourself
Despair Artwork by Christopher Ritchey
I desperately wanted to believe there was more after life on this planet/dimension, somehow if I looked, concentrated hard enough a door would magically open and my desperate wish to be with my son again would be realized .
My logical side said No! you are searching in vain, the stories , magical happenings of people reaching through to their loved one was just an overwrought brain trying to heal the shattering heart in order that it kept beating.
The next day after my lone adventure of feeling that hand in mine.. no coldness or warmth but a pressure that wrapped about my fingers .
I stayed once more in my pajamas, curled up on the couch and tried to relieve the ” release of those moments”. Should I say something ? I would wait until my husband came back from the 4 wheeling trip”. He had had his own gulping grief, trying to be one of the guys at the same time , not breaking down , not to remind them the reason he was there and not Chris. He came home exhausted from the effort of maintaining normalcy. I decided to wait.
I still looked for signs daring to believe, what harm would it do to believe? I needed to believe. After all I wasn’t combing the wanted columns for Mystic Megs, or Mediums. It was just us and we weren’t harming or taking advantage of anyone/
Jean Schaeffer ( and me as the ghost) as Madame Arcarti
I didn’t have long to wait a few evenings later I got an excited call from my daughter. Mum get over here I have something to show you…….hurry!!!!
I arrived into the “great room” and Nikki was sitting on the floor in front of the big screen TV… Watch she said. At first I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to see .. there was the baby in his big crib in his own room.
Nikki, had been nervous about him leaving the master bedroom and his small crib. He was moved to a nursery but Jim had mounted a baby cam high up in the wall that overlooked the crib and most of the room.
As we watched , I can only call it an orb because that is what it looked like floated above the crib moved across the screen. The baby was smiling and once again reaching with his little arms to be picked up.
I suppose thinking back on it I don’t know why as we watched what was happening we didn’t rush up the stairs and grab him out of his crib. But there was something playful and loving in the mood on the screen like a child wanting to catch a ball. This went for a good ten minutes, then just like that the baby settled down and was fast asleep.
Apparently this had been happening for a couple of nights. At first Nikki wasn’t sure it was an issue with the camera , dust , some sort of technical issue. She had wiped the camera lens, done what she good to remove anything that might have picked up a glare , or a reflection. Although the “orb moved”
We sat , eyes glued to the screen watching the sleeping baby not saying a word. After an hour and nothing happening I left. Once again with more questions than answers and no-one to explain what was happening Once again alone in thought and wanting so much more …..
To be continued …..
No Limits-BK 2-Chapter 12- Beyond the Vale
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/05/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-3-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/06/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-4-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/07/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-5-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Six : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/08/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-6-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/09/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-7-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/10/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-8-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Nine https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/11/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-9-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Ten : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/12/03/no-limits-book-2-beyond-the-vale-chapt10/
Chapter Eleven : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2024/01/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-11-beyond-the-vale/
Garden Nights????
Whilst all sorts of “happenings” were going on at my daughter’s home, things were quite here in Chris’ home. We weren’t getting sounds, or aromas. It just seemed to be things showing up through the camera lens. We progressed from the kitchen to the back garden. When I say we, I meant my husband, he would spend a lot of his time just taking photo after photo , click, click click every second or so. What the neighbors must have thought I dare not ask.
As soon as he started his nightly vigils with his camera, things started appear. It was as though he was noticed. Since we couldn’t really explain , not being photographers etc. it was decided to see if we could find logical explanations, such as ” Lens Flare” . Following the photos taken in the back garden ( previous Chapter 10)(light and dust) which of course was a possibility. We decided to experiment!
To that end we decided to try and get Lens flare . Another night in the garden at the same time of day as the previous photos pointing the camera at the willow tree no lights or orbs on that evening No light source we could see.
Pointing the camera at the neighbors house did show a streak, but it was obviously the flash bouncing back of the little plum tree branch, if you look closely you can see the buds. We discounted the tree branches .
Next we turned back from the back yard facing south , to north and then we got lens flare .
but not on the willow tree.
My husband then ( not being computer savvy.. something that should be remembered in later chapters) decided to make a photograph album of the photos recording times and dates etc. He printed out the best ones but he took thousands of photos . I have hundreds of a dark willow tree and the back yard all the same with nothing on them , night after night. But then … the mists , since we were in the cold months we then decided to make sure it wasn’t our breaths. I would stand night after night in cold , whilst my husband took shots of my breath. Then he decided it might be coming from him so he brought one of those helmet cameras and walked around in various times an temperatures breathing in and out and letting his breath out of his nose and mouth.
As I have mentioned before I think we wanted to convince ourselves of our own sanity.
As some of you are aware we have a couple of decent sized garden ponds. We kept them open during the winter months due to Chris’ mothers Day present the Ghost in the Pond. https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/the-ghost-in-the-pond/
Maybe the mists were due to
“A thin layer of air above the pond is warmed by the pond water. Water evaporates from the pond’s surface into this thin layer. The thin, warm, moist layer of air over the pond then mixes with the cooler air from the land. As it cools, condensation occurs and a fog forms.
Or even the warmth of the ground and ground moisture causing condensation like a wintery dew ? Beautiful though it is , it not our “mists”
Could it be condensation from the furnace outlet , no how about smoke from some unknown source maybe next door drifting over, although there was never any smell and you couldn’t see our with your eyes , just through the camera. But we lit a torch just to see, no! you could see and smell that.The same with the dryer vents…ours and the neighbors…
Ou mists , only visible through the lens and on the downloaded jpgs could NOT be seen by us, the same with the plethora of orbs???
The closest we ever came to reproducing the “mists” was candle smoke from a lighted candle BUT again you could see and smell it…
Since those shots of the mists started to appear, and we have dozens of photos I will give you a hint as to what is to come… mists do not hover they move and move quickly, very very quickly……
NO LIMITS -Bk. 2- Chapt -7 Beyond the Vale
Chris Ritchey Source
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/05/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-3-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/06/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-4-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/07/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-5-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Six : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/08/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-6-beyond-the-vale/
IN GODS, PROPHETS – CLERGY ETC WE TRUST?????
I don’t have answers, I don’t want to argue beliefs, I am as ignorant and naive as anyone when it comes to death and the after life.
Before my son died , when I was very young I had some experiences , which I am sure could logically be disproved by those that counter the belief in the after life. BUT then again isn’t that what all religions are based upon… even “reincarnation” https://www.britannica.com/topic/reincarnation
Reincarnation, also called transmigration or metempsychosis, in religion and philosophy, rebirth of the aspect of an individual that persists after bodily death—whether it be consciousness, mind, the soul, or some other entity—in one or more successive existences. Depending upon the tradition, these existences may be human, animal, spiritual, or, in some instances, vegetable. While belief in reincarnation is most characteristic of South Asian and East Asian traditions, it also appears in the religious and philosophical thought of local religions, in some ancient Middle Eastern religions (e.g., the Greek Orphic mystery, or salvation, religion), Manichaeism, and gnosticism, as well as in such modern religious movements as theosophy.
And should you wish to explore further
And about the only people I found on the planet of the 8 billion of people that believe when you die you die and rot and help the earth into which you are interred to get some much needed composting material is Atheism
According to Atheists, nothing happens when we die. Nothing at all. You simply cease to exist. And that’s it. Yes, I know it may seem hard, but it’s that plain and simple. It’s like going to sleep. Without dreaming. While your body slowly starts to rot. Eaten by worms. And you will be nothing left but bones, that one day will also disappear. You will be forgotten forever, like the nothing you were.
https://www.joincake.com/blog/atheist-afterlife
Billions of people all believe we have a soul or an essence or an energy that makes me , me and you, you well except for this group of Atheist and Agnostics
https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/most-atheist-countries
- China – 103,907,840 — 181,838,720
- India – 102,870,000
- Japan – 81,493,120 — 82,766,450
- Vietnam – 66,978,900
- Russia – 34,507,680 — 69,015,360
- Germany – 33,794,250 — 40,388,250
- France – 25,982,320 — 32,628,960
- United Kingdom – 18,684,010 — 26,519,240
- South Korea – 14,579,400 — 25,270,960
- Ukraine – 9,546,400
Alright then ! IF all the major religions have some form of after life, why do they and their followers, POO-HOO- for the most part – the belief in spirits, ghosts, visitations from wherever they believe, the soul, essence, energy goes after the body ( gives up the ghost)?
How many times have people seen Hawks, eagles birds of all sorts that they believe are bringing messages of support to the loved ones left behind are looked at with the knowing nod and “oh dear grief has got them”?
However, if you are one of those religious sects that believe in reincarnation it would be perfectly natural.
As I have chronicled previously , I have no organized religious beliefs. I am learning and unfortunately I will have to give up the ghost myself to find the answers and believe it or not those that haven’t yet given up the ghost , no matter their hierarchy in an established church, temple, mosque- until they too have given up the ghost … news flash they don’t have any more of a clue than I do!
I remember my mum telling me her Dad, my grandad promised her that he would come back and let her know, (my mum also questioned.)
Well to my knowledge he didn’t visit my mum or his favorite grandchild. I was with him the morning he died. I went to see him in hospital he held onto my hand so tightly I couldn’t release it. My newly married husband had to get back to base and I said
Grandad, I have to go but I will give you a ring ( call) when we get back to London
His reply as I left the room-
It’s alright “maggot” (my nickname he called me) I have seen you and I can go now.
As my husband drove me back to my aunts house I could still feel the pressure of his hand on mine and then it went away suddenly. I knew before we were even greeted at the door by my Aunt:
” Your Grandad died a few minutes ago they just rang, a few minutes after you left.
I knew he had , somehow , and then the guilt of my 19 inexperienced years set in ..I said to my husband
” I shouldn’t have gone , should I? He might not have died so quickly and mum and dad could have travelled to see him”
The first experience I recall of having “feelings- premonitions” was when I was about 9. We were living in Canada in a rented house in Martinon , New Brunswick. It was a beautiful winters day . I was playing outside, bundled in a puffy, could hardly move snow suit” I think I looked like a green Michelin Man !
There I was happily playing with an old pair of wooden skis found in the basement and trying my hardest to walk back up the hill in all my clobber when I looked up at the kitchen window and there she was my much loved Nanny Hines, my mum’s mother. I so loved her. Being 9 I didn’t think logically
“How did Nanny Hines get to Canada ? Why didn’t someone tell me she was coming” When did she arrive?
I just knew that my favourite person in the whole wide world was sitting at the kitchen table smiling at me. I ran as fast as the snow suit and rubber boots allowed up the hill. I burst into the kitchen door- covered in snow. My mum was at the stove cooking supper. No-one was at the table
I ran into the living room, she wasn’t there , I went back to my mum….
Where is Nanny , where did she go?
What are you talking about Nanny isn’t here , she is in England.
NO! she was there, I saw her at the table looking out the window at me playing , she was smiling!
My mum just smiled at me and said take off those boots and snow suit and hang it up in the mud room ( fancy name for a kind of added on shed) . I insisted I saw my lovely nanny.
My mum gently said :
Loraine, I have been cooking all afternoon the windows were probably steamed up and you thought they made a picture of Nanny Hines, were you thinking of her?”
I remember looking at the kitchen windows , I didn’t see any pattens, in fact they were really pretty clear and I hadn’t been thinking of Nanny Hines at all I was trying to ski- , but I did as I was told and went into the living room and turned on the TV and started watching the Lone Ranger.
It was halfway through the Lone Ranger episode the phone rang. It was my Uncle Mark( my mum’s brother) from England wanting to speak to my Dad. I told him he hadn’t come home from work yet and he said what time was he due and I told him He said I will call back.
NOTE in those days transatlantic phone calls were very, very expensive)
Mum said
“Who was on the phone ” I told her and he was wanting to talk to Daddy and she said Oh Uncle Mark .. Oh he is probably calling because it is Daddy’s birthday and I have been making him his favourites, what a nice surprise for Daddy.
My father finally came home and the before we could sit down to eat his birthday dinner December 28th my Uncle Mark called back to tell Dad….. that mum’s mother Nanny Hines had died earlier that evening ( London Time) and ironically just about the time I saw my Nanny at the window three thousand miles away……
to be continued……..
NO LIMITS- Bk. 2- Chapter 6- Beyond the Vale
Chris Ritchey Source
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/05/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-3-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/06/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-4-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/07/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-5-beyond-the-vale/
Trilogy- Continued
I freely admit I am totally out of my depths and have been since my son died. My family were not and for the most part ( England) avid church goers. I can’t remember going to church before the age of 9 in England , although I remember on documents it said under religion I was “Church of England” . However it wasn’t until we emigrated to Canada my mother attended church, United Church of Christ , a small church in a rural community. I don’t know why she decided to become involved, maybe it was because the social atmosphere and sense of community she found in a new country, so different from London, leaving her large family back in England I believe she was looking for community to fill the void. All I know is she dragged me along and I was in the choir of St. Giles.
I did not enjoy “church” or the choir, I would rather have been running in the woods with my friends , on the beach in the summer , swimming, and sledding and skating in the winter. I used to sulk about having to go to church. If I was dropped off at Sunday school I would pretend to go in and go and play in the creek in the woods. I know Dr. Long, the minister, knew what I was up to.
Dr. Long , I secretly think my mum had a crush on him. He was a very patient man and when I would ask questions about God , religion and blind faith that he preached on Sunday he would truly try and explain to this rather impertinent child explanations that I could accept. Trouble is I never accepted them.
I always found organized religion of any denominations, somewhat hypocritical, asking me to take on teachings due to just believing – “having blind faith” I think the term is . Bible stories no matter which Christian Bible version I also found cloying and hypocritical. I wanted something tangible not something written thousand of years ago by ( what I now consider) writers with their own agenda, the beginnings of the Roman Catholic Church and its power come to mind.
The fact that King Henry VIII annoyed with the Pope for not allowing his divorce/ annulment then set up that same Church of England I was registered with centuries later so he could “have it off with Anne Boleyn” , Doctrines that suppressed questioning thoughts.
“Anne saw an opportunity in Henry’s infatuation and the convenient moral quandary. She determined that she would yield to his embraces only as his acknowledged queen. She began to take her place at his side in policy and in state, but not yet in his bed”
“Henry now required his subjects to swear an oath attached to the First Succession Act, which effectively rejected papal authority in legal matters and recognized Anne Boleyn as queen. Those who refused, such as Sir Thomas More, who had resigned as Lord Chancellor, and John Fisher, Bishop of Rochester, were placed in the Tower of London. In late 1534 parliament declared Henry “the only supreme head on earth of the Church of England”. The Church in England was now under Henry’s control, not Rome’s. On 14 May 1534, in one of the realm’s first official acts protecting Protestant Reformers” wikipedia.org
AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT…
It has always puzzled me how many believe and would have us believe there is not such thing as “ghosts or spirits”. I never understood how millions of people world wide go to Christian Churches and ” repeat “Father , Son and Holy Ghost ( Spirit). I have trolled through various explanations on the net and religious sites . God is the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. I have to admit after hours of scrolling through I still don’t understand, it seems , depending upon which site , which church , they are either the same ( All parts of an all powerful God or three different entities under one …
“The Bible also indicates that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are distinct Persons. For example, since the Father sent the Son into the world (John 3:16), He cannot be the same person as the Son. Likewise, after the Son returned to the Father (John 16:10), the Father and the Son sent the Holy Spirit into the world (John 14:26; Acts 2:33). Therefore, the Holy Spirit must be distinct from the Father and the Son……..
The English terms “Holy Ghost” and “Holy Spirit” are complete synonyms: one derives from the Old English gast and the other from the Latinloanwordspiritus. Like pneuma, they both refer to the breath, to its animating power, and to the soul. The Old English term is shared by all other Germanic languages (compare, e.g., the GermanGeist) and it is older; the King James Bible typically uses “Holy Ghost”. Beginning in the 20th century, translations overwhelmingly prefer “Holy Spirit”, partly because the general English term “ghost” has increasingly come to refer only to the spirit of a dead person.
Yet in the world of Homo sapiens 5, 10 twenty thousand years is a mere drop in the bucket. What happened to those who loved but had no idea of religious texts? Do they not rate a place in whatever religious beliefs of life after death we hold?
550,000 to 750,000 Years Ago: The Beginning of the Homo sapiens Lineage
My position on all of this is the same people of my immediate acquaintance and readers who think I am doolally (not in possession of all one’s mental faculties) and probably wrapped up in so much grief I am pretending to myself and others that my Christopher , no longer of this world, is either- according to their beliefs waiting in someplace called heaven, that what is happening to us is the work of “demons” or they don’t believe anything, once you are dead you are dead.
And yet these same people ( for the most part ( here in the USA) go to Church listen to sermons and directions and rituals that are from a man they never met ( Jesus. the son) pray to the trilogy based on translations and authors dead thousand of years and take it as gospel !
The worlds oldest religion is relatively very young by the planets standards and those of mankind :
Adherents hold that Hinduism—one of the principal faiths in the modern world, with about one billion followers—is the world’s oldest religion, with complete scriptural texts dating back 3,000 years. The oral tradition that gave rise to the Mahabharata, for example, probably dates to about 850 BCE, although its written Sanskrit form is about 400 years younger.
Zoroastrianism, the chief pre-Islamic religion practiced in Iran, draws on some of those Sanskrit oral compositions and, later, written texts. Its founder, Zarathushtra, wrote down hymns that predate written Sanskrit literature, which makes it possible to claim that Zoroastrianism is older than Hinduism, formally codified.
Judaism dates to great antiquity as well, with an oral tradition that is nearly 4,000 years old and written texts that may be older than the Sanskrit and Avestan texts of Hinduism and Zoroastrianism. For example, the Pentateuch (the first five books of the Bible) has some written elements that are thought to have originated in the mid-2nd millennium BCE. ( Britannica. com
https://theconversation.com/caveman-instincts-may-explain-our-belief-in-gods-and-ghosts-26945
Putting these ideas together is one way of explaining religious thought and behaviour. You could go further and suggest that, if these ideas are correct, religion is merely a by-product of mental processes operating in error.
I don’t know who is right, what particular religion is correct or if any of them are and I certainly do not want to question anyone’s beliefs, that would make me a hypocrite, neither am I trying to convince people that I am not doolally, I actually think I am a little bit, hence my questioning as much as I can what happened and happens.
I just find it astounding that people will fill the temples, the churches, the mosques etc. and believe what has been written by people they don’t know and yet…….. someone believes their loved one has a presence and essence and we scoff or placate them, or smile knowingly they have lost the plot.
I believe after all these months and years experiencing what I and my family have experienced and tried to find logical , or natural occurring explanations for there is something more and love and energy co exists………. to be continued
NO LIMITS- bk 2- Chapter 5- Beyond the Vale
Chris Ritchey Source
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/02/03/no-limits-bk-2-forward-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-1-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/04/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-2-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/05/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapt-3-beyond-the-vale/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2023/06/03/no-limits-bk-2-chapter-4-beyond-the-vale/
GHOSTS….. COMES IN THREES
When I first started writing about my son and No Limits in Book One of NO LIMITS I wrote in the forward , https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
“As I ponder the wisdom of writing the events of life as we know it and death as we believe it to be, I know there will be questions I cannot answer, events I cannot prove.
I am opening myself, my family and my son to a world of naysayers, negativity and ridicule. I will reach the walls with this book. I will push aside and through the walls my peers in this “community” and others have erected for themselves and for me.
Ironically although I have always written the truth whenever I have sat at this keyboard and its predecessors I probably won’t be believed , explanations will abound, logic ( as we perceive things to happen)will come into play .
I have hesitated for months, even years, to tell the story from my self-imposed box. I have written millions of words on my personal blog in the 10 years since my son died. https://www.thatwoman.wordpress.com . I have written his story, I have opened myself and my innermost thoughts and feelings. I have told the tale of cruelty, searing pain and thoughts of suicide. I have exposed myself in ways not many would without fear. So then, why is it I hesitate to share all of our story, a story of continuing love, strength and astonishment?”
I know and knew writing our experiences some would think , she has lost it, going off the deep end… and maybe I have in some respects as “long term ” grief and losing a son does change you . I have said before in this journey that is seemingly without end , I am no longer the woman or person I was. In fact none of the family that truly loved my son is the same, you just “aren’t” any more.
GHOSTS… this week I have been reminded of the word “Ghosts and what we as a society might believe ..or not… according to Mirium Webster:
1: the seat of life or intelligence : SOULgive up the ghost
2: a disembodied soul, especially: the soul of a dead person believed to be an inhabitant of the unseen world or to appear to the living in bodily likeness
4: a faint shadowy tracea ghost of a smile5: a false image in a photographic negative or on a television screen caused especially by reflection6: one who ghostwrites
7: a red blood cell that has lost its hemoglobin
Oh! Chris ! why would you buy another Koi? you know they never survive the winter”
“I needed to get this one and it’s Mother’s Day so you have to accept it “
Sleep Paralysis: According to the article :
“While doctors are unsure how exactly this takes place, it is generally believed to occur when a person hits a stage of rapid eye movement sleep (REM) – during which you’re most likely to have vivid dreams.
Those who suffer from sleep paralysis will often feel awake but may experience sensations of being pushed down or may see hallucinations in their room.
I know that experience all too well. Over the years I have found that my brain has tried to make sense of my life , and not doing the best job of it. I can attest when you “wake” or at least part of you wakes your body doesn’t move , I likened it to be as if I was a beached whale I couldn’t turn over move to see what had brought me from the “REM” . It takes willpower to really wake…. and more of my experience further along in the story. But , yes there is such a phenomenon and I am fully aware of how it works.
Exploding Head Syndrome . Yes that too. and No it isn’t the idiots that are setting off flash grenades and M 100’s leading up to the 4th of July . But it is scary and there is a similar loud crack or bang coming from the inside of my head. Deosnt’ happen often but I have had it and it too is scary:
Exploding head syndrome may sound like a made-up condition but it’s actually a very real and frightening sensory disorder.
According to Goldsmiths University, it is characterised by ‘the perception of a loud noise or sense of explosion in the head, usually when transitioning into or out of deep sleep’.
This could be anything from a literal explosion to a gunshot or even a scream.
Two years ago, a study found that 44.4 per cent of sufferers experienced significant fear during these episodes, with a small proportion believing it was caused by something supernatural.
“the perception of apparently significant patterns or recognizable images, especially faces, in random or accidental arrangements of shapes and lines:“there could be a mysterious stone coffin on Mars, or, more likely, it’s just the latest example of pareidolia”
Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley also believes that ‘illusory correlation’ can contribute to this, being the tendency to perceive a relationship between two unrelated events or experiences.
She told MailOnline: ‘In the context of ghost sightings, someone may associate a particular event or occurrence (such as a strange sound or coincidence) with the presence of a ghost. This perceived correlation can reinforce the belief in seeing a ghost, even though the connection is not based on objective evidence.
‘It’s very common when individuals are grieving or have experienced significant loss, that they may be more susceptible to experiences that they interpret as communication or visitations from deceased loved ones.
November 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 34- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty-One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-31-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/09/03/september-3rd-chapter-32-no-limits-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Three : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-33-chris-ritchey/
EMOTIONAL INCONTINENCE
artwork Chris Ritchey
Emotions ran riot in those hours after Chris passed, pummeled by disbelief, anger, physical pain, gut-wrenching sobs breaking the silence, sheer agony, feeling so lost, no source of comfort except a little toy bear given to me by my son. The smell of my son still on his shirt.
The funeral home: I tried as hard as I could to go across that alley way from my back garden to the funeral home parking lot. I stood at the gate unable to move. Thoughts bombarding me , after the “arrangement visit at the funeral home” I knew I didn’t trust myself. Their way was not our way , I knew I would be a red flag to the “bull ( cow)” of Sue Lombardi, it was better I stayed with the baby for my own sanity.
Artwork Chris Ritchey
The Lombardis, had agreed to the cremation at that making of the arrangement meeting ( less than 20 hours after Chris drew his last breath), Thanks to my son in law over riding Sue Lomabardi’s desire to have his ( or a ) coffin to decorate.
IF HE IS TO BE CREMATED AND NO COFFIN WHAT WILL WE DECORATE”
My poor daughter , who just the day before had lost her brother came home from that meeting broken and also angry
” How can they be so cruel, Angela just sat there, Sue ran the show- because that is what it was mum – all show- Sue wanting him in the ground just so she could decorate his coffin!”
Thankfully Jim mentioned how when he drove Chris to Houston Chris had told him if anything should ever happen , as he shoveled down his throat more of the pain killing drugs, He wanted to be cremated and thrown into the Grand Canyon!
It was decided Chris’ ashes would be divided , Angela, his wife of course for her goodbye and closure, Nikki , as his sister and a trip to the Grand Canyon and a portion for his dad and me for our farewell.
The fact my little family, who did attend, were told as Sue expanded on her wishes with how the funeral arrangement should be handled and Nikki interjected…. and was dismissed with a wave of the hand , and the statement ,
” it was not “their” wishes ( meaning Nikki and Jim and our family) it would be Lombardi’s wishes that were important…..( the bride and her mother)
I cannot begin to tell you how that news effected me. I knew then I couldn’t go 24 hours later to the funeral home .As it turned out it was just as well I didn’t – The ME that was raw and not in control of her emotions would not have gone quietly into that place: Anger would have reared its head, the only emotion that was allowing me to stand upright.
I wrote an open letter a few months later, when people felt comfortable telling me what had happened at that funeral home visitation, as mentioned in the last chapter, to Sue Lombardi: excerpt here
Apparently , you took it upon yourself to assail some of the people who came to pay their condolences at the “visitation” planned by you and yours as to MY reasoning for not being there – Sue you said:
“Can you believe it, his own mother isn’t even here! She boycotted the funeral because it wasn’t done her way!”
“You cannot believe what we have had to put up with”
AND
“Yes, she’s an UNNATURAL mother.”
I am perplexed as to your apparent lack humanity and feelings toward those that grieve especially another mother.
You see YOU and yours stood by my son’s bed in his final moments, leaving no room for his own father …. it wasn’t even given to me to look at the face of my husband as our child died but that of YOUR husband.
And HOW he could have looked into my eyes as my son drew his last breath and see what I KNOW he saw in those eyes as I looked up into “HIS face” and then HE enabled YOU and his daughter to take from us our closure sickens and makes me question even his humanity– certainly compassion was and is absent!
My husband, who tried so hard, three times to stay in that place of mourning at YOUR visitation . The prancing about and smiling by your other daughter in front of his son’s photo and no tears shed drove him away , the fact YOU had complained
“what are we going to decorate”
when you found out there would be no casket, sickened him as he gazed on the receiving line of grief as he thought of your concern for decorating as being paramount.
It was more than he could do to stay but he tried – he felt there was no honor in your attitude toward his son.
Your stoney face and holier than thou stance finally took its toll on him – he was brought back home for good. And it seems he was right, as you had other things more important than honoring his son, criticizing and insulting me was first and foremost apparently. ”
“CAN YOU BELIEVE ……”
YOU were witness to the most private , personal, poignant and heartbreaking moments between a mother and her dying child.
YOU stood there with your relief ( because it was relief I saw in your face )- a mother’s relief that your daughter wouldn’t have to be dealing with an invalid) waiting and hovering like some black crow over its carrion .
How COULD YOU ? as a mother who watched as another mother saw her child die – the most emotionally terrifying moment any mother can face – the unbearable pain that comes with those final moments as your child slips from this realm. HOW COULD YOU?
After witnessing that moment then HOW COULD YOU? decide 3 days later it is appropriate later to tell anyone who would listen “your thoughts of her“ as they came to grieve for the child she brought into this world and watched leave –
E. Munch- 1895
All the while I was trying to process what was happening in my world, I was flashing back to my nightmares and premonitions of this happening all those months before. It had come to pass – my premotions were true, the nightmare was true! Only, I couldn’t wake up from that nightmare ,it was unfolding all around me . I was seemingly watching from afar as events repeated themselves in reality. And if possible the worse insult was yet to come.
To be continued :
October 3rd- NO LIMITS – Chapter 33 – Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/05/03/may-3rd-no-limits-chapter-28-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-29-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-30-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty-One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-31-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Thirty Two: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/09/03/september-3rd-chapter-32-no-limits-chris-ritchey/
“On pain of death” – Gutless Mother …..
The days of the ” taking leave ” all went horribly wrong……the pain caused by a family I hardly knew – Lombardis and how they made Chris’ family’s pain and heart break so much worse was not to be borne, in fact I couldn’t bear it.
What I will say to you , all of you , is that I could have stopped the pain inflicted after his death caused by those that supposedly loved and cared for my son.
I could have stopped all that has happened since his death IF I HADN’T BEEN SO GUTLESS!
Chris and I had an honest relationship. Oh! sometimes a heated, and very vocal relationship- he was after all “my” son. Sometimes we needed those “bouts of heat” to get to the real issue, to draw out what was really the problem. However, no matter how heated our points of view became, we always came back to laughter and understanding of each other. He was part of me and his heritage in more ways than one.
Now to my dilemma – In my heart of hearts I knew that Chris should be making some decisions- I had a bad feeling about what the next weeks would bring.
One night I lay awake all night trying to decide what to do , I decided to find a time in the day where I would talk to Chris but I couldn’t.
C. J. Hodge “Turning Away” permission
www.artknowledgenews.com
How do you approach your son who had just turned 29 , who was fighting for survival and living on the thin thread of hope of a clinical trial drug and say
What do you want , what would be your wishes should you die?
How could I? how could I see his face as his “mum” asked such a question? Me, who was trying her damnedest to give him hope after the news he had very little unless the SGN 35 worked and he could tolerate its side effects, and for how long?
Try as I might I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t, for once in his life, be open and forthright with him. I thought there might be time, time after the results that I knew would be good- you see I watched the tumors on his neck shrink. I knew that when that cough stopped after the 21st of September that the SGN 35 was working. I watched my son with the eyes of a mother.
And because I couldn’t bring myself to have the “death discussion” with Chris a person who had the “legal right” ( enabled by her family) Angela , had exercised that right which has caused my family such a world of hurt .
I didn’t have Chris wishes in writing, NO ONE DID!!!!
I gave her her due and her way (that is not mine ) of saying “goodbye” only a week later to be denied ours.
Decorations by Lombardi (Vyka etc. )and Company
I am sure Chris trusted his bride and his family to use the love they had for him in a way that would help healing.
That didn’t happen because I was a “gutless wonder”
If there is a lesson to be learned here, please don’t trust that your final wishes would be what you wanted.
MAKE YOUR DECISIONS, MAKE THEM IN WRITING, AND MAKE THEM KNOWN, SIGN YOUR NAME!
There are no niceties in death and for some of us there was a great wickedness enabled by a mother’s cowardice.
I retreated in a world closed off by tears , no sounds came through that veil but the sounds of sobbing…..I somehow knew that it was coming from me. The funeral meeting has been held , I stayed home with my broken husband and Nikki’s baby. It wasn’t until afterwards anyone told me what had happened . I wrote on this blog an OPEN LETTER TO SUE LOMBARDI
“I read Chris’s Obituary on Saturday in the local paper. Was this my wonderful young man whose life was put into so many cents a line? Was this MY Chris – I could not let that be the last words written about my son so I composed a letter which I hope will be a more fitting epitaph to one whose passing has broken a mother’s, father’s and sister’s heart.
The Unbearable Pain of Being
I read my son’s obituary Saturday – a few lines describing a young man who was so much more than a husband, brother, friend , hunter, sportsman and employee.
Chris’ last 22 months on this earth found him on the cruelest of journeys, one fraught with hope turned to despair on almost a daily basis in the last days. My son bore this cruelty with a strength of character and body that even I, his mother, found remarkable.
But before the Cancer , there was another life-one of great happiness – He was funny , sometimes “dark” in his humour, he did not suffer fools gladly .
He and his sister shared a remarkable bond – almost twin like- they would take on the world together . When he was young it was his sister who stood up to the bullies and any adversity and when he grew he supported her and fought with her any battles that came their way.
Christopher had a temper, one he shared with his mother, I understood his temper as we both shared the same “trigger mechanism”.
He knew he was loved and he loved in return. He would buy a Christmas or birthday present and then not able to wait until the day for you to see it – he would have to show it to you right then and there.
Yes, he in his short life touched so many hearts , so many people- accomplishments on the soccer field,
starting the LCCC Club Soccer program after graduating High School- coaching training camps for young players. He received numerous scholarships for soccer and his artistic talent . He received two Cleveland Addy awards in his short career with Wyse Advertising . He would have been one of the best had his life not been cut short.
His friends know how special he was – he had some truly wonderful friends and I believe he too was a good friend.
I said goodbye to my son last Thursday – but my heart has not been able to let him go – he was one of the only reasons for being – I ache for him – I look for him- I cry for him – my son who was so very much more than a few paragraphs in an Obit column-
He was- Chris – a multi-faceted personality who gave us incredible joy and love and expected nothing in return .
I will see him on the street signs in our neighborhood, the logos, the television commercials he worked on, Settlers’ Watch – the Welcome to Lorain Booth at the Port. And my heart is sore pained within me because I will no longer hear his voice, see his smile or feel his strength.
My life has been broken in two – my happiness wrenched from me with the death of my child, my son , words cannot convey the crushing depth of my sadness, the void that cries to be filled and the torrents of tears that I shed that bring no relief.
I penned that Obit to be read at the “memorial service” How could I break out my closed off world , crippled emotionally.
How because I was ANGRY !
Angry at the lies, angry at people who had no kindness of thought for the family who loved Chris and still love him. It was anger that cause me to be upright and it is anger that gave me strength………
To be continued.
May 3rd – NO LIMITS-Chapter 28- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Six https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-chapter-26-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Seven https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapter-27-chris-ritchey/
THE DYING TIME
NOTE: You would think , after all these years, I would have built up some immunity to the rawness emotions of what happened in those last few hours and days .
You would be wrong it is yesterday in my world. I find, as I writing, I am sucking in breaths, gasping for air, eyes fill with tears and my heart races. I can only brave the act of reliving in short stages. I have to stop, walk away and come back for a few minutes.
I don’t know how to write these memories of those hours. Will I even be able to put my pain on a page, relieve it in entirety or become clinical and write just the medical journey with the inclusion of the Lombardi’s contribution to my end of days as a mother of my son?
I suppose I will find out along with the reader.
As he was moved to the new Medical ICU room with new staff and strangers, I shivered the room was the corner room looking out toward the hotel where I had been staying. I could see his room from my hotel room, the light softly glowing in the early morning morning hours. I had called my daughter and son-in law. My husband went to meet them in the lobby to show Nikki where to come whilst Jim took Baby Gavin to the room to wait.
I must have looked very strange as I waited ,away from the “Clan of Lombardis” by myself in the waiting room, as a young man in scrubs came up to me put his arm around me and started explaining something about
“blood gases elevated C02 levels ” .. hypercapnia… How Chris gases were compromised by the move. “
I had absolutely not a clue as to what he was saying , It was though I was deaf and trying to read his lips.
Who was he? What was he doing in my world ?
At that moment my daughter burst into the waiting room ran toward me , as she did so she apparently overheard the one sided conversation and as I said I must have looked dreadful.
The next thing she “melted “on the floor, collapsing to her knees, just folded up at she reached out to me and I reached forward to her. The young man caught us both somehow and said :
“please, it is alright no-one ever died from Co2 levels, we will get the levels corrected. I will take care of him!
The rest is a blur, since no-one in the family could stay in Chris room that night, and I was panicked
“How was I going to get him through that 3 in morning time slot , I so dreaded.
The flawed Hand of the Healer by Chris Ritchey
We went back to the hotel room to wait. There was a chaise lounge , I laid on it looking out across the way to Chris room and pulsating light as , I assume, people would come and go doing what they were supposed to do, injecting him with insulin, Heparin and too many drugs I couldn’t pronounce.
Nikki took the baby and laid on the bed, Jim grabbed a pillow and blanket and slept fitfully on the floor. Actually I have not a clue where my husband slept or even if he did, I am presume in one of the arm chairs.
I waited until morning, I had decided
this was enough no more were the Lombardis and their clan going to make the decisions, I was done with them and his bride.
I showered , got dressed and for the first time put on some make-up. My husband had already beaten me to it and had checked on Chris and called from the the floor to tell me
Chris stats had improved.
I went to the unit, didn’t check in with the reception station to get permission , no-one was going to stop me that morning!
I knew Angela would be in there for the Doctors rounds and that morning I was going to be part of the discussion. Unfortunately , Angela and the Doctors were already meeting behind the “glass wall”. I saw a familiar face, it was Dr. R.A of the Thanksgiving Day ” dying discussion”. She recognized me too, asked how I was.
I said:
a little better as I had been told Chris’ levels and stats were improving
Dr. R. A looked annoyed
WHO told you that? It is definitely NOT what is happening his organs are shutting down , he has had a series of “episodes” and it isn’t good , as I told you last week”
Why haven’t I been told? Why has this been kept from his family?
We tell his wife everything ( Dr. Ritchey) she has been given the complete information, it is up to her to inform the rest of you
And at that statement what was left of me, the person I always was came to the fore. I felt a strength in my voice I hadn’t had for weeks
” Well obviously there has been some sort of breakdown in the information given to us or apparently NOT given to us by his wife and her family.
You, and the hospital and this unit had better check my son’s paperwork because it is written and signed by him ( of which I have a copy at home.) that his sister and I are named in his Living Will , signed at South Pointe Hospital and we both are on that form ( notarized) as to any medical decisions and information is to be given to us directly!
Oh, she said, I will make sure the staff and unit are informed
With that she walked away and I still shaking with fear for my son and with anger left the unit to tell MY family .
Later on , after I had gathered myself together , I went back down to the unit , again by passing the harridan at the reception desk and
there it was my nightmare of 13 months previously ……playing out in front of me…. MY PREMONITION come to pass!!!!
E. Munch- 1895
I awoke in the early morning hours of that first night after chemo, shaking, gasping for breath. I had a dream; it was so real.
I was in a room, in the middle of the room was an open casket in which lay my son and around this casket was Angela, her mother and father and strange people . I was drenched in sweat and tears, the realization it was a nightmare slowly came to the front of my mind.
It wasn’t a casket it was a hospital bed , but the way they had him laid out it might as well have been .
I still to this day don’t know who they all were- strangers to me ! And that was something that would have caused my son such anguish- after all he could no longer speak , they would never have dared to put him in that situation had he been able to communicate.
Angela and her mother sat holding court and allowed and embraced 8-9 people to hold a dying time…. ” death clutterers to ogle and text on their phones around his dying body” .
It was to me , it was disgraceful behavior and totally lacking respect and love on Angela’s part. I never wanted to see their faces ever again! I was sickened at the sight. I went to the foot of his bed and slowly pulled a sheet up over his lower limbs, covering the bags and bodily fluids draining from him.
Chris would have hated what was happening, being on show. He thought thought the graveside antics of the “Lombardi , Vyka , Gonzales, Gott or Zaworski at a young nephews graveside on that previous Christmas morning was despicable and told Angela at the time, when she came to pick him up for the “event”
“That is sick, no I am not going , I won’t be involved in that ! What are you thinking?”
I can only imagine what he would have thought of what I was seeing as he lay unable to throw them out, because he would have.
I hoped the induced coma meant he knew nothing of it. I wanted to grab them by the neck and throw them out on their ear myself. But I couldn’t for the sake of my son.
My face once again must have communicated what my thoughts were for Angela rose from her seat and said to the tribe
” I think we had better go………
to be continued
March 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 26- Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/february-3rd-no-limits-chapter-25-chris-ritchey/
THE WINTER OF WEEPING that never ends…………
NOTE: It is said that time heals and spring and new life replaces the dark dreary days of winter. Those of the sisterhood of grief , especially those who have lost a soul and child of their body and heart, winter never ends. You are still lost in those days , you see glimpses of life and happiness, but you are never again whole. You see when you lose your child you and the person you were – leaves with them – when they draw their last breath.
You don’t even look the same, you may be thinner, put on weight , age more quickly, your eyes smart with too many tears, lines appear around your eyes and mouth , not the lines of age but of pain. You are wary , looking out for those moments that assault you as you go about your daily routine. Oh you smile at the correct moments, you try to join in with life , but no matter the days, months even years the only thing that gets better is you can hide the heart break just a bit better. You have learned who you can reach out , who doesn’t flinch when you want to talk about you child. Those who are patient and those who are understanding because they too are members of the Sisterhood of Grief.
I wrote the following five months after Christopher passed from this world. And all these years later nothing has changed…… Photo Credit – Virginia Mak
It was Thanksgiving. I was alone with Chris, everyone was with family . I sat by his bedside , he couldn’t talk a lot due to the oxygen mask , I read, although I had no idea what I was reading . I would, when he closed his eyes, drink in every part of my son, the contours of his face , his hands on the the sheet, his arms strong still listened to every breath he took , movement, sound he made. That day, the sun shone in the window, and the beard he had been growing had become more pronounced.
He grew the facial hair after he lost all of his hair due to the horrendous chemo sessions and stem cell transplants. I think he did so because it was a sign his body was trying to get back to normalcy. The last time he and his Nana were together at Nikki’s she stroked his face and the beginnings of his beard and said :
Chris you are truly my Viking and that is how I will think of you , brave and golden.
I was filling my memory of my son, every feature , nuance and aspect of my son that morning of Thanksgiving. The sunlight caught his face and the golden red of his beard . My Viking.
I didn’t want him to see me lose it so I excused myself and went to the waiting room. Thankfully there was no one there and I wept with the pain of “WHY”?????????????
When I finally pulled myself together and returned to the room he was sleeping . I sat quietly, hardly daring to breathe, I had always been told that sleep is how the body heals. I was clutching at anything I could find to give me hope, willing whatever strength I had to somehow be miraculously given to him by some magical umbilical chord of life.
He woke , pulled down his oxygen mask and asked for a sip of water. Those were the last words he spoke to to me , not his last words, but the last thing he ever asked of me . I held the bottle of water with the hospital straw , he took a small sip and immediately started choking….
All Hell broke loose nurses cand people came rushing into the room and someone grabbed hold of my arm and ushered me out into the still empty waiting room. I didn’t know what was happening, I knew it wasn’t good….. The “code blue ” over the pa system. Drs., interns , nurses came rushing along the corridor and then two technicians with a ventilator .
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think I was frozen , everything was falling away from me , no-one to hold me up, no where to go , what should I do ?,
WHY?????????? for God’s sake why……… NOOOOOOO this can’t happen…… . I was shaking with cold and tears.
After what seemed an eternity , one of Chris nurses came out to the waiting room with a cup of hot chocolate, she said
“it is OK he has been put on the vent to help him breathe, he has been sedated , the Dr. will be out in a moment drink this “
But you see, I knew from that first day of diagnosis all through
the best cancer to have, just 6 rounds of Chemo, 95 percent cure rate ,
because I had always known that damned cancer was winning. I had fought down my knowing and fears, I had embraced hope, prayers , medicines, trials , anything to fight the obscenity of death that was coming for my son. I had seen the fear on his face as they all came rushing in, the silent tears that fell from his eyes, and I heard his last words he ever spoke……....
I tried to call someone, anyone but I couldn’t make my fingers work or my brain, I don’t remember breathing , I stood there thinking this must be what shock is.
Finally the Dr. came in , I will call her Dr. RA, hers is the only name I remember from that day. The first thing she said was
“Would you like a priest ?”
No! I don’t want a damned priest , what good is he, to give me comfort! blessings !NO I want someone to stop my son dying….. not religious platitudes that don’t mean a thing.
I didn’t say that out loud , all I could manage was
No, is Chris critical.
She looked at me and said:
Oh! he has been critical since he came in , has no-one mentioned that to you , he is dying.
Then she left. The nurse came back to check on me and helped me call Angela, my husband and my son in law.
Angela was the first to arrive, with her sister,
Is he dead?
I shook my head and she went into the ICU , Her sister chatted on about how she broke the speed limit to get there. And then the clan of Lombardi arrived with cold mashed potatoes, congealed gravy, turkey and pumpkin pie, chatting about leftovers would be good in the microwave if this was going to be a long night …….. and I thought.. who are these awful people chatting and laughing whilst my son is dying about leftovers and time.
Time no longer existed in my world it had stopped…………
THIS be HELL …. I must have died……………………………. could have been the only explanation
To be continued………………..
February 3rd- NO LIMITS- Chapter 25-Chris Ritchey
NO LIMITS
Forward: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/jan-3rd-no-limits-the-forward-chris-ritchey/
Chapter One :https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/02/03/feb-3rd-no-limits-chapter-1-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Two:https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/03/03/march-3rd-no-limits-
Chapter Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/04/03/april-3rd-no-limits-chapt-3-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/05/03/no-limits-chapter-4-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Five: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/06/03/june-3rd-no-limits-chapter-5-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Six: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/07/03/july-3rd-no-limits-chapter-6-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Seven: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter7-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Eight: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/09/03/sept-3rd-no-limits-chapter-8-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Nine: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/oct-3rd-no-limits-chapter-9-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Ten: NO LIMITS- Nov 3rd- Chapter 10- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eleven: NO LIMITS-Dec. 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 11 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Twelve: NO LIMITS-Jan 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 12 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Thirteen : NO LIMITS- FEB 3rd- Chris Ritchey- Chapter 13 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fourteen: March 3rd, NO LIMITS, Chapter 14- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Fifteen: April 3rd- No Limits- Chapter 15- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Sixteen: May 3rd – No Limits- Chapter 16- Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Seventeen: June 3rd-No Limits-Chris Ritchey-Chapter 17 | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Eighteen: July 3rd – NO LIMITS- Chapter 18-Chris Ritchey | That Woman’s Weblog (wordpress.com)
Chapter Nineteen: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/08/03/august-3rd-no-limits-chapter-19-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/09/03/september-3rd-no-limits-chapter20-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty One: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/10/03/october-3rd-no-limits-chapter-21-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Two : https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/11/03/nov-3rd-no-limits-chapter-22-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Three: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2021/12/03/dec-3rd-no-limits-chapt-23-chris-ritchey/
Chapter Twenty Four: https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2022/01/03/january-3rd-no-limits-chapter-24-chris-ritchey/
The Circus from Hell
The next morning ,after the fiasco of the Lombardi’s clever ideas as to how to get a young man who couldn’t breathe or walk more than two feet without aid and my outrage as to what they were planning, Angela came in from her shift at the hospital.
Angela ritchey DO photo Chris Ritchey
I found out later she wasn’t scheduled for that shift but asked to change. I never did find out why . Chris , was not doing well and it was decided to tell Chris he was going to have to go back into the Clinic. He didn’t take it well a plastic water bottle flew across the room and hit the wall. I was pleased , believe it or not, it showed he still had strength and fight left in him.
Then it began, the rescue squad having to get him down the apartment stairs , Angela riding in the ambulance, me following the ambulance as I had no clue where I was going. Nine hours in the ER as there was no room in the Medical ICU. Phone calls back and forth. Angela telling the attending physician he had been diagnosed with H1NI. I was perplexed this was the first I heard of it . I kept thinking
that isn’t right why is she saying that , was I being kept in the dark again? I believed that damned flu shot was causing issues. If he had HINI why were they trying to send him back to Houston, none of this was making sense..
well not then anyway.
Clowns – artwork Chris Ritchey
Chris was finally sent to the Neurological ICU as there was no room in the Medical ICU.
And we waited , Sue and Tim arrived and my husband and the days turned into one long nightmare. Chris was admitted on the Saturday before Thanksgiving . I would fall asleep in the chair . I promised Chris he would never be alone and at first it worked reasonably well I would trade off with Angela during the day but the nurses let me stay in the room in a chair at night.
Then since they couldn’t figure out what was going on it was decided he must have H1N1. This meant we were fully masked and gowned when we went into his room. I watched my son’s every movement, every heart beat , every drop or rise in oxygen levels.
I sat there hour after hour trying to find away to give him strength , doing the deals with whomever ran the universe, all the time remembering my premonitions and fighting them back down into my sub conscience.
Finally exhaustion got the better of me, I could no longer see straight or sit in that waiting room . Nikki arranged to get me a room at the Intercontinental Hotel attached to the Clinic so I could walk back and forth. I had some clothes with me from the Friday but they were in the trunk of my car and I hadn’t a clue where it was. My mum had packed a small carrier bag with change of underwear and blouse and sweater sending it up with my husband.
I needed a few things so I bought a pair of pajamas in the Clinic Gift shop. The only ones in my size were bright lime green, terribly unflattering but then again no-one would be seeing me in in them, a toothbrush, deodorant etc. I made my way to the lobby of the hotel through the hospital feeling terribly afraid and alone. There was some funny looks when my only luggage was an Aldi’s carrier bag. Still the credit card was good.
I went to the room, had a shower put on my lime green pj’s and called room service. Well of course I had no robe and hadn’t thought , the waiter brought in the food on a trolley , whatever he thought of the vision in green he saw before him he didn’t show a change in face as this little fat woman in lime green pj’s ( that were a little tight) and red hair signed the chit.
I ate my first decent meal in days and fell into the bed and passed out. I slept till the evening and was going back through the corridors to the hospital when I saw two nurses helping a woman walk . I realized from the conversation as I went passed she was Carla Nash , the lady who had been attacked by a chimpanzee and was at the clinic after having a face transplant. I thought they seem to be able to work miracles , will there be one for my son and a little hope crept back into my being. I saw the trio on more than one occasion and my heart went out to her.
There were other stories during those hours and days as we waited and hoped.
An elderly man, some thing of a musician from what I gathered from a conversation in the waiting room of hell , was dying in the next room. His wife sat by his bed all day. Later that evening Chris’s nurse asked if it would bother us if his daughter, who was in one of the symphony orchestras. could play for her father.
As I sat there masked and gowned and closed off in our glassed in room, the faint sound of a violin drifted through the air . It was so surreal , this beautiful piece of music like some heavenly message easing her fathers passing and reminding me how much love and pain was happening on the other side of the wall , but beautiful at the same time . The music stopped and so apparently had the life of one more human being and their story.
There were of course other stories
The mum who had been brought in with a brain aneurism , her family gathered in the the small ICU waiting room, the tears, the worry , the hope. I don’t know what happened to her . Others whose lives crashed into ours in that room and then left some in tears and some transferred out of ICU with smiles. .
After three days of no sleep and actually pretty much on my own as far as my family I was ready to drop .
Once the diagnosis of H1N1 was decided upon Nikki and the new baby couldn’t be put at risk, my mum 90 , couldn’t take a chance with her and my husband could only come for an hour or so. He hated hospitals, Chris knew that and we knew if he was there holding vigil with me Chris would KNOW how much danger he was in , so it had to be…
” Oh Dad is coming in for a visit”
There I was alone in that waiting room from hell. The Lombardis, as Sue stated “will circle around Angela” , I definitely was excluded from that circle. And they did numbers of them all chatting and laughing and living. It was so hard .
Do you pray Loraine? You aren’t Catholic are you , what plans are you making ? Do you like Tacos?
However, when Sue was present it was doubly hard, she used to do and say the most inane things and it took everything I had to keep my mouth shut.
One particular day I got summoned by the nurse in ICU.
Is Chris’s mother in law attached to a medical practice?
No , why would you ask that ?
You will have to talk to your daughter in law , please. We know SHE is a resident and the nurses don’t want to make a big deal, but her mother is making a nuisance of herself, going to talk to the nurses and looking it at the other patients and giving advice.
Also, your daughter in law’s friend has come in and changed the setting the oxygen machine ( she was also a resident) and we have had to reset it, that can’t happen.
That day I had to mention to one of the sisters that
“Sue was being Sue and causing concern in the ICU and could someone please tell her not to continue in that vein” “
THAT did not go down very well. They shot the messenger! Talk went to a minimum but actually that was a blessing in disguise.
Even the Clinic security made the “Mother of my Hell “ prove she wasn’t a homeless person camping out in the waiting room with sleeping bags , pillows and food . Why they didn’t get themselves a room if they were going to continue to “circle Angela” I broached the subject: ,
Sue said Oh no! far too expensive!!!!!!”
Well there is plenty in the account from the fundraiser isn’t there at least 35 thousand, you could use that , after all that is why we had that fundraiser . Oh and by the way can I have the list of donors for Thank Yous. I have Nikkis list and mine but I know there were so many others!
I couldn’t credit her answer and I was perplexed :
Sue Lombardi –
“We don’t want people to know the full amount – we aren’t publicizing that. I have opened a safe deposit box for the cash – Angela has access” How do you know the amounts ?Obviously Chris told me , why wouldn’t he? He was very grateful to everyone that donated.
I said to Chris after one particularly stressful evening
Oh ! Chris you owe me lunch for this, being in that holding area with them.
( having to put up with them and trying to keep my mouth shut – not an easy thing for me, . We certainly had nothing in common except what I supposed was the love of our children. and Chris knew how hard it was 🙂 )
and a lobster lunch at that.
He smiled and moved his oxygen mask and said :
” keep them out of here and I will buy you dinner too !”
Most days and nights bled into one another . I had no clue as to the time of day of day of the week. I would surface for a bit and memory comes in fragments of those days of crisis. It is only as I write some flash of a forgotten memory of those days in no particular sequence come back. ……. and my gut tightens , a sick feeling comes into my soul, an ache for my child overwhelms me once more .
To be continued……..
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