Feb 3rd- sick of hospitals- Chris Ritchey
Artwork Chris Ritchey Face Book page
A whole month has passed since I last wrote and I have in the last three weeks spent more time in ER’s talking to Doctors -that don’t know us -explaining past issues. ICU becoming my 2nd home and all the different protocols.
I want to get off this band wagon of monitors, that beep and fluctuate I have seen too many of them since you were in that dreadful Main Campus Cleveland Clinic (Tausig). I have traversed the halls , waiting rooms in hospitals in Elyria, Westlake , Houston Texas and Lorain.
I am so tired of the unexpected and having to have the strength to advocate. This latest ill-health go around sudden and quick is going to drag out into months. Touch and go 10 days ago…….
The flawed Hand of the Healer by Chris Ritchey
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I can spot an officious nurse at 10 places, know the ones that listen , talked to professionals , that know their stuff I am sure , but the accent is thick so I become infuriating to them as I have to say “repeat that please.”
I have sat in ER’s waiting for results of scans and tests. I have sat in the waiting rooms with total strangers that reflect the fear , hopefulness and dread that I know is written on my face just as it is on theirs .
I am exhausted with illness, dying and decisions , keeping up my strength to be my family’s advocate all the while wanting to run away and not have to deal with anything at all. Life changes looming.
One of the most infuriating things is the fact that all these different hospital systems but when it is an emergency you are taken to the nearest ER . If they are under a different network your health records are not available, so the ER does not have a base line as to your previous health issues. Family are left explaining in layman’s terms as to your history and then when you contact you own medical team you have to explain the new issues. You can request those medical records be sent ( they don’t like it but insist).
Anyway weeks of hell again looking at those monitors for every heartbeat…………… and the horrible reminders of your last days flooding in my brain as the smells , the squeak of rubber shoes on shiny floor , the monitor alarms add yet another pain to deal with as you sit quietly waiting………..
I love you still and your bravery still reminds me to fight
Hands – Touching- Hands – art work Christopher Ritchey
Jan 3rd,2019- Mystic/Magic – Chris Ritchey
Another year dawns, this past one has not been pleasant for the most part. No further answers to the question we all really want to know what happens after our body fails. Is there an “essence of life” that continues? The life “energy” that makes us unique to ourselves , can that be destroyed , gone, obliterated ?
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/energy-can-neither-be-created-nor-destroyed/
Questions that have been asked and answered in various religious beliefs for a few thousand years. But , when you get right down to it you won’t really know till your own body fails. YOU KNOW, my darling Chris, my mum – now knows.
Mum and Balcony
Mum, who lived a full 99 years, a voracious reader, travelled , lived in three different countries, met hundreds of people of varying walks of life. She would listen to the religious leaders, watch them on the Sunday shows, in her youth questioned them at length. In her last days she would talk to the Hospice Nurses as to their belief as to what would happen but she had no answers in even those last days .
As I sat beside her , holding her hand , watching and trying to ease her final “body life” moments , there was no answer for me, she and her life energy slipped quietly away. The same with you -although hooked up to machines , but by the time they disconnected you I already knew you had left hours before. Somehow, a mother knows when her child is no longer with her, at least I did.
Photo source https://www.mushroom-appreciation.com/the-story-of-fairy-rings-has-always-intrigued-me.
We all so need the mystic and magic, hope that there is more somehow to our world, my thoughts segued to my earliest beliefs and tiny child’s belief in fairies.
I lay awake in today’s very early hours, wracking my poor brain as to who first told me about magic and fairies and a world beyond that had nothing to do with religion, that came later when my mother would drag me to church in Canada.
I couldn’t for the life of me remember , it was as if I had always known about the possibility of a “magical” realm I so wanted to believe in. As a tiny tot I would play for hours in the garden rockery ( rock gardens were a staple part of the garden and the place where fairies loved to dwell) building fairy homes, looking for fairy circles in the morning dew, positive they existed and wanting to catch a glimpse. I told my children about fairies and then my grandchildren ( before they got to the age when they think I am dotty).
I went back in my mind , trying so hard to remember my grandmothers telling me stories of fairies . No, the one used to recite romantic and adventurous poems and tell stories of unrequited love. Mum’s mother , tired and worn from life, would tell me stories of the happenings of her children, my father- science fiction, space aliens and travels to the stars. My mum never told me fairy stories, so who? And then it dawned , my reprobate of a “grandfather”. A memory from the mist, taking down a saucer of milk whilst everyone in the house was asleep, woken from my tiny bed, slipper-less feet, cold on the tiled kitchen floor quietly putting the saucer down for the hedgehogs as they carried the fairies to dance in the moonlight.
I realize now, he was drunk again probably , he was an inebriate that is for certain. I supposed going through the trenches in France and being a professional soldier he may have had some issues we would recognize today.
Fairies a gift from Chris
All I do know , is that as angering and annoying he was to the rest of the family and his children- HE was the one who came home with kittens and the odd baby rabbit or two in his pockets for me, flowers from his flowers shop , never were his pockets empty , little gifts. He taught me to love the flowers in the garden and only pick certain ones , to leave the blue bells ( the fairy flowers) in the woods.
As I lay there in the half light of a New year my mind wandered to when he was he was in hospital, I had only been married a few weeks, we went to see him . He woke long enough to squeeze my hand and say ”
I can go now- “maggot” ( his nickname for me ) I have seen you.
We left the hospital and on the short ride home I could still feel the pressure of his hand and I knew before we got to my Aunt’s house he had gone without her having to tell me. He had said goodbye and with him went his “magic”, given to me only ??? and a memory of an old man , not well loved who shared a bit of the mystique of this world.
One memory triggers another and I was back in your hospital room your stats were fluctuating , nurses and techs adjusting machines and then your hand squeezed mine so hard – I didn’t know what you were trying to tell me but I think I do now……. you were saying goodbye ……..
But then the magic of you continues……….
The Moonbeam’s Tree- Gabriel Miller 2019
Another New Year’s Eve, fireworks and M 80′- 100’s will no doubt shake the houses , even the odd gunshot ringing in another year.
Some will celebrate and some will hold each other closer as they remember another New Year’s Eve- one that found their baby boy having to leave them and the love they had for him without a place to land .
They are called back to a time of great pain and the longing for the answer to WHY??? The year is marked by a tiny tree- planted with love
a love that grows with time, the celebration of that little life continues, without hoopla, fireworks just pure love of a child
and today the love continues as it always will…..
Gabriel Miller August 17th- 2009 – December 31 -2009 a child of “heart”
Dec 3rd- crumbling walls- Chris Ritchey
Although I write about you every 3rd day of every month as a way to release my grief, love of you and so you are not forgotten, December 3rd is looming. The dying days that start at Thanksgiving – the day I sat alone in the waiting room as you were put on the vent. I relive that day and that intensive care waiting room every year dreading I won’t be able to hold myself together amidst all the joy of turkey , pumpkins, pies and laughter.
The circus that ensued that terrible Thanksgiving Day at the Cleveland Clinic thanks to “those others” (Lombardi) who finally came to “wait”, share dry turkey and cold mashed potatoes and discuss recipes whilst you were fighting for your life sickens me still. I could never understand their reactions of party hearty , picnic time- it is a wonder they didn’t bring celebratory wine. Respect and kindness to your family as we tried to deal with the losing of you certainly wasn’t on their menu .
artwork Chris Ritchey
It starts with Thanksgiving , the defense walls are reinforced , more to protect others from the volatile emotions that are churning within me. They deserve and need their happiness, they need not be reminded of dying days. I so wish I was strong, I am not.
These days leading up to the day you died leave me , even after the years of trying to train myself to avoid the trigger moments, weak and bereft of control. I had a relative who used to take to their bed when there were situations they couldn’t handle. There is no respite for me there in amongst the down pillows. I lay awake fighting down the emotional agony of remembrance of those days .Finally exhaustion will bring sleep but the mind continues and all the building of walls to keep my emotions and thoughts in check are breached. Down pillows become wet with tears.
Honestly I don’t know how my heart has kept beating, there are times choking back sobs I can’t breathe. but your beautiful sister and two little boys whose excitement at the season acts as an antidote enabling me once again to bear the unbearable.
Your Chris Miss presents to Gavin and Braedyn will once again be delivered and I will reinforce the walls ….. I love and miss you every day but December 3rd will find the walls tumbled into nothing and I will hide from the world until I can function again.
Artwork Chris Ritchey
“Heartbreak is a heavy burden to carry as a soul weakens” I love you Chris
Not forgotten- a reminder- and a Victory -Lorain
Photo Dan Brady
The lines of communication were broken and entangled, opinions of just what is “historic” and what is not – were bogged down in who “remembered ” and who forgot, who said what and who did what.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2018/11/10/lest-we-forget-lorain-administration-forgot/
A battle commenced in the hearts of those that not only have loved the “Dark Angel”, Miss Victory, Lorain’s Angel, whatever name she was known by. People rallied , historians, writers, council people who had voted NO to the sale of her place of honor, the possible movement to “monument row ” at nearby Lakeview park. Social media lit up with a resounding NO!!! Articles appeared in newspapers , on-line .
Photo Karen Ferraro
The consensus of the general population was the “Dark Angel” should remain in the place of honor in perpetuity . Lorain, in the past, has had a history of moving and get rid of its tangible history as if it is some “outdated décor” put away to be stored in pieces parts or demolished. But the latest ideas found a community saying not this time.
I am proud of those who stood up, researched, reached out to government, and wrote of their displeasure Matt Nahorn, Dan Brady , Diane Medina , Mary Springkowski , Jeff Sigsworth , and hundreds of people on face book pages.
I am glad to say that after not only was her “sentimental worth ” acknowledged but also her “historical” worth.
Thanks has to go to Mayor Ritenauer and Port Director Tom Brown because they came together ( as government should) to not only save that little park but to honor those that had kept her and this country free , through all the wars that followed the war to end all wars. It is a victory for common sense , historical worth and yes for sentiment.
Yesterday the Port of Lorain and The city of Lorain issued a joint statement saving the “lady”
Instead of angst and turmoil and he said ,she said, the coverage this morning is one of thanks , thanks to those with who served , are remembered and those whose passion fought for a Lady of Victory”
Thank YOU LORAIN!!!
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Lest we Forget – Lorain Administration Forgot –
Well I finally am angry enough to write , because that is what it takes to get my fingers flying across a key board. This was not the Remembrance Day post I had planned .
Lorain’s tangible history is almost extinct. I have given up for the most part because the interest in tangible history is not a priority in Lorain. If it is not maintained, knocked down , bastardized or moved about , it becomes a photo in file at the Lorain Historical Society on 10th street.
Tomorrow is Armistice Day , all over the world but Lorain Ohio, the administration under Mayor Ritenauer, Safety Service Director Dan Given and Chief of Staff Phil Dore decided in their “wisdom” that a little park ” was not worth the upkeep and had no historical significance” . Now to fill in readers NOT from Lorain but elsewhere in the country and world that come to this blog.
In April 1922 this town decided to honor the Great War’s war dead and injured they put their heart , soul, money and pride into a little V shaped park , commissioned a statue and the town gave due honors :
Photos courtesy of Dan BradyPlease access Dan Brady’s blog for the “historical research ” and story about the little park that became Victory Park https://danielebrady.blogspot.com/2012/05/ninety-years-of-miss-victory.html
Photo Dan Brady
Apparently this little tiny memorial park demands too much upkeep and was lumped in with other “vacant and overgrown lots in their mind.
“The city’s position is that we own hundreds of parcels all over that we’ve acquired over time,” Given said. “Why are we sitting on these things, maintaining them, cleaning up junk when we can actually make it productive?”
Photo Lorain 365
So the wheels started going round and round and talks were ongoing between “Veterans Groups” not with any transparency apparently because I live with a veteran and I had to tell him what was happening .
Ironically it was to me “that woman” to whom Dan Given and the city came to get the information about the “historical significance” to that V and the statuary . I duly got them all the historical significance and the who is who and how a city remembered in 1922 and for the past 96 years.
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/08/25/victory-no-longer-empty-handed-v-for-volunteers/
How annoying then to read from the Morning Journal www. morningjournal.com today the Chief of Staff of the City of Lorain quote :
He said the city also went out of its way to ensure the property had no historical significance for WWI and found none.
“It just so happened, that whoever funded the statue, put it there,” Dore said.
Did this man read any of the information given objectively or did they just cut and paste to fit what the intended purpose to do away with a “nuisance” hand it over to someone else.
I can taste my anger at the moment. They reached out to Veterans groups after the DAV post reached out to them but not the community that Mayor Ritenauer was concerned about . The agenda for Monday Night’s City Council meeting slipped this item in
Item G- ord – authorizing the Safety /Service Director to advertise for bids for the sale of two parcels no longer needed for municipal purposes.
The city council then went into executive session to discuss this with council members – of course not only can’t the community at large attend this session but Council members in their wisdom just voted on the matter when they came back to the floor.
Dissenting Votes,
Mary Springkowski, Greg Argenti and Josh Thornsberry. the rest could not apparently decide to send this to at least a committee so the “community could have its say?
NO! in their impeccable timing of the Administration and Dore and Given one week before NOVEMBER the 11th they decided this little park ” Dore: had no historical significance for WWI and found none. LOOK AGAIN PHIL!!!!!!
Well I beg to differ, there are still relatives of the American Legion Commander instrumental in organizing those honors ( see the article from 1922) who take pride in the Historical Worth of that little Park. Once the city sells it to whomever the Veteran Organizations decide that park can be torn down ,statues moved to monument row at Lakeview Park where they are totally out of context. or destroyed . We Only have “their word” this won’t happen in the future and forgive me but that isn’t good enough
The plan isn’t to go in and disrupt the entire community and move monuments,” he said. “But when we have veterans groups that their sole purpose is to honor the people who lead us in war with their bravery, it’s our obligation to listen to them.”
Been down that road before : Once bitten twice shy!!!!!! and so glad Mr. Given when YOU were on City Council you didn’t “listen to the Vets Council” when they wanted to give away the 200 year old park on 4th to make way for “Condos”
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/08/01/veterans-memorial-park-thanks-for-the-memories/
https://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2013/07/31/veterans-memorial-park-faulty-memory/
The mayor said ‘hey, I don’t want a nasty storm over this whole issue. If it’s good for the community, it’s good for the community,’” Given said
quotes from www. morningjournal.com article Lorain Clarifies Victory Park Plans .
Well maybe if the “Community” had been informed though discussion there would not be the blog post, the social media outrage at this “deal”
Never has so much blather been uttered by so few to cause outrage to so many!!!!
There is a “shame in this ” that shouldn’t be forgotten. Oh it will be forgotten yesterdays news!!! Lorain and her “non historical worth will move on” BUT as long as there is an internet and this blog is archived ” the “memory” of this debacle of decisions” will live on!
NOTE: I welcome any op ed for the city administration…. and this situation has earned the not so coveted Notorious Opponents of Exactitude Award
Nov. 3rd- tale of two – grief- Chris Ritchey
Chris Ritchey Source
Just three days after I wrote the October 3rd remembrance of you your Nana joined you. I would like to think that you were there for her. I know how much you loved her.
It has been almost a month and the grieving for your Nana is so different. I feel like a vessel full to the brim with sadness but inside this vessel the grief at the loss of you and of my mum meet . The grief I have for you plunges , rolls, rises up and is pushed back down. It takes will power not to drown in its depths but it can overwhelm me at times. It is cold , tearing at my brain, heart and gut taking pieces of me as it rages on. It is a monster and no parent should have to feel its presence.
Your Nana , I so miss, I spent every day with her for the past 34 years , she was part of all decisions made as a family. And for the past 8 years shared this roof and kitchen. There are many things that will bring tears but somehow they comfort as release. It is a gentle grief. Nana had lived a full life – fuller than most- her 99 years apart from the past few months saw her enjoying life, having her wits about her and good health. She had grown tired wanted to
“get off the planet” more and more as her health deteriorated. Her passing was with dignity, love and was understandable. She embraced the “transitioning” -her life force spent not from disease but just being old. and wearing out. Her passing was logical, the grand order of things and the grief I feel does not leave me questioning WHY???? or looking for answers.
I understand the loss of my mother but not the loss of you and my heart and brain rails against the WHY!!!
Source Chris Ritchey
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